Just when I thought it was safe to get short (to sell) October Cotton CTV9, there were news about Hurricane Bret approaching
Southern Texas - there are a few cotton growing areas in Texas. And in no time at all commodity traders message
boards were bombarded with rumours.
Get long (buy) everyone ! Get long everyone !...
Cotton to open limit up today, be prepared everyone !
That made me glued to my laptop again, checking news on weather conditions in Texas, it was confusing at times with all those storm categories.
And by evening it weakened considerably (from Category 4) to a tropical storm.
Price gapped lower and headed south - it closed in a negative range.
Coffee was not that interesting either, no power to go up, even on the first day of a new December contract. Looks like it's heading south again.
And now, the juicy bits...*LOL*..
It's 4:45 am, and it's kind of official. I have no direction. I have no focus. Well, it's never bothered me before, and I don't bloody see why it would now.
Boring day today and I am sure I made the very best of it. Yeah.
But I'm not going to try and fully explain why because my words are not strong enough to make you understand.
It is one of those days
when you have regrets.
Regrets, I have a few...blah blah blah..
Remember that song? Even Mahathir likes it.
Those days when you feel like you have wasted your good sense. Your precious time. Your knowledge. Your wisdom. Yeah, one of those days when you feel like saying to yourself, "oh,I'm ready to begin a new life.
Problem is, there's no such thing as
a new life; the old one is always right around the corner.
The minute you stepped back onto the old streets, you felt the
split. It's like you're watching yourself on a mental
screen, some kind of internal replay mechanism.So to speak.
So here I am wishing I could start my day all over again and take all the sweet things, take all of them ...and make them last the whole day.
And at the end of that perfect day, as I lie there in bed, in total darkness, I fall asleep with a big smile on my face thinking what a bloody wonderful life I lead.
Dream on...
Tuesday 24/8/1999
Heck, I'm stuck again in the market, not really stuck, kind of. Coffee bored us tonight, no fundamental news to lift the price up.
Cotton went down, I did not take the opportunity to go short when the price was to my advantage. I just let it slip away. Every night we (me and Dominic) keep telling ourselves, "we have to do something tonight, we have to..." but we usually end up not doing a thing.
Werner asked me to be his new Broker, to take care of his now-in-total-mess account. I asked him to discuss with Zul, he might be interested. I am not. If I were to handle his account, I'll do it just for the sake of helping him getting out of the market. Besides, he's not going to put in any more margins, so the new Broker has to kind of pump in some money to activate the account. Poor Werner.
Maybe I could help him, Abang Mat called me this morning with intention of investing about 20 K, latest by middle of next month. If that's not too late.
Oh, looks like I cannot go to bed now, tomorrow I need to go
to the bank first thing in the morning. Haji Ramli and Abang Din have been waiting for their money.
Maybe I just go surfing some sites, or perhaps go chatting... whatever ...just
to kill my time. I haven't done this in quite a while
so I wont feel too bad .
Go visit message boards, forums or even newsgroups perhaps. Yes, "meet" new people, broaden my horizon a little bit. Too much of cotton and coffee stuff doesn't make me any good.
I need to interact with people, I want to have fun, be it on-line.
I've lived
such a sheltered insecure little life for so long and these few
years have had so many changes and surprises for me that I am only
just beginning to realise this.
It's real fun having fun.
And meeting
new people.
It hurts getting hurt.
But I am hurting people too.
I learn new things.
But I don't claim to be knowledgeable.
Because I make mistakes.
I make money.
And I spend it.
I try to be my own person.
And fighting it at the same time.
And it makes me think it's all
going bloody too fast and I won't be able to cope but I kick myself
mentally and keep on reminding myself what a good life I really have.If that can be called " a good life".
Wednesday 25/8/1999
I
did go to bed this morning actually,at 6-30 am,
after staring at the 'puter screen for more than 10 mins, not
knowing where to go. My bookmark folder is not that cool, it
doesn't have many URLs.
My handphone alarm went off at 9-30 am but at 10-30 am I was still in bed.Then rushed to RHB Bank, Section 15 to withdraw some money, to Section 9 after that.
Maybe I was still sleepy, I made a mistake while filling in the bank slip. I wrote Ariffin's acount numer, instead of Haji Ramli's so the money was then wired to Ariffin.
I did not realise this until one of the officers phoned me about 15 mins later. I was having breakfast nearby, so I quickly dashed to the bank and filled in a new form. What a tube I was.And perhaps the officer too, took him 15 mins to realise I made that bloody mistake.
It rained cats and dogs tonight, took me nearly 2 hours to get to
the office. Traffic was heavy, all the way from the toll plaza right
to the junction near PJ Hilton, then from Mid-Valley City to Bukit
Bintang area.
I was all alone tonight, nobody else from our group turned up. Rumor-mongers had it again today.
Storm hits some high-yield Texas cotton fields hard" read one news on quotewatch.com
.That was enough to make me shiver. Waiting for cotton counter to open was like forever. Questions like,
Will the market open high? Will it shoot up all the way?
Will I be able to enter position tonight?
kept playing in my head.
And to my surprise ( and everyone else on the market forum) cotton counter opened 86 points lower than yesterday's closing, it gapped down.
What a "funnymental news" that was.
Called Harga just after midnight, he was still awake.
Hey Nal, I lost you number, I have something to tell you.
What is it?
I'm getting married in Oct. 1Oct 10th.
Wow, that's about 40 days from now man.
Yeah, and I'm a bit scared.Aku takut tak jadi. Aku tak tahu.
Ah, why are you worried? Viagra kan ada, Tongkat Ali pun ok.
No, not that. Apalah aku
dapat member bangang sangat macam kau ni...
So, what's the problem then?
We have already set the date,the cards etc etc...Problem is we have yet to go for marriage course, and the interview will be at the end of September. Now, what if I kantui? I will have to arrange for another interview - it will be too late then.
I'm pretty sure you will fail...hahaha...
Thursday 26/8/1999
Mahathir,the PM was in town today, and there was a huge gathering of ex-ITM students at Malawati Stadium. To me it was just another political gimmick, fishing for votes and sympathy.
P.S : It's Friday afternoon now actually, was too tired/sleepy to log on to the 'net when I reached home last night/this morning.
Friday 27/8/1999
For a very strange reason I have felt slightly drawn back to the
computer lately.
I must say I have been sick of the Internet the last couple of days.
Yesterday for example, I was online for less than 30 mins, just
checking some cotton and coffee reports. And that was it.
I have managed to stay off it mostly but there is always
something that draws me back to it. Just when I find myself being
able to wean away from the computer a reason comes about
that means I feel compelled to log on.
The only consolation is that knowing the fact that
the great thing about being a bandwith hog, is the ability
to look upon people who are worse than you and go "ohmegod.. look
at that guy over there, I bet he never goes out or has any friends"
etc etc... . The fact I actually
know, is good, because at least I am aware.And I can improve.
But, as it is, it's not too bad.
This is more like a battle of wills
and the computer knows it will always win. I have works to do on
the 'net, I need to do lots of research, I need to learn on-line
trading stuff. The next couple of years are
going to be interesting - I'm looking at becoming deeply engrossed
in a few things, internet tradings etc. I have lots to learn from some
very kind cyber souls, on-line trading is totally new to me,
hope one day I will succeed.
I have a bunch of friends on the
Internet too and if I didn't log on I would likely lose a good chunk
of the contact with them that I have...of course I don't want to do that. They are all I have, they are
the very people that make my life exciting. I don't have friends that are
very much into internet in real life. I can't think of any, not even one.
...but I am sick of the Internet.
When I first logged
on I was so excited and amazed and there is no doubt that it has
been life changing for me in many ways but too much of a good
thing can dampen your enthusiasm.
I wonder if I will ever be
able to wean myself off it?
There's a hole
In my life,
There's a hole,
In my life.
Shadow in my heart
Is tearing me apart
Or maybe it's just something
In the stars.
There's a hole,
In my life,
There's a hole,
In my life.
Be a happy man,
I try the best I can
Or maybe I'm just looking
for too much.
There's a hole
In my life
There's a hole
in my life.
There's something missing from my life,
Cuts me open like a knife.
It leaves me vulnerable
I have this disease
Shake like an incurable,
God help me please oh,
There's a hole
in my life,
there's a hole
in my life
Didn't go to bed until 5-00 am because I was surfing around
and chatting to someone. My icq was on "free for chat mode" and
since there was not much happening on
the commodity forum (and I didn't want to be rude too) I spent the hours
chatting with one strange girl who claimed to be from Maine. She sounded very depressed, lost and in need of a shoulder to cry on.
I did make her smile by saying my shoulders are not that broad.
Chatting with her made me ponder. I'm a very pondering person, to say the least. In fact, I think I
sometimes ponder too much. Way too much. There are always somethings which come
out of my mind.When I sit around thinking about what goes on
inside me and around me.
And listening to her sad stories saddened me.
Oh, I wish you luck, stranger.....
Funny thing with me is that every time I come across as being very emotional online
- I am probably not half as much in real life. Hard-headed, stubborn, goody-two-shoes etc etc perhaps.
Maybe it's just easier
somehow to express myself in written word knowing that I
am not face to face with people and that my thoughts and
feelings are being recognised but that I don't have to deal
with it there and then, face to face.
I believe men mostly have a hard
time dealing with their emotions and expressing them. The
more one adheres to this unwritten rule, the more one is thought
of as a "real man".
Having said that I am probably not considered
very "real man/manly". And if you think that then [beep] you!
To be honest I'd
rather be thought of as a human being than a "man".
Sometimes it's not the burden that breaks you down,but the way you carry it.