Received an email from a friend today (Hi there,Din) telling me he liked the
integrity of this online journal of mine (no,I'm not making this up) or whatever you want to call it.
It surprised him that I'm doing this homepage.And this journal.
First he thought I was crazy but now he understands me better.
It's nice to know someone understands you.
Looking back,I was one of those kids who sat in the back of the classroom dreading being called on even when I knew the answers. But this web thingy changes the whole equation and I think I've finally found my medium.At last.
And you know what, it's the first time I "really" realized that people are reading my diary.Well,not really.I have "invisible counter" on my current entry page.And I basically know who reads my diary.Hope I do not scare you.
Yes,you.
Your presence here scares me.It scares me to the point of possibly tainting the integrity of this journal. I have never been a very open person and this platform was as good as any to kick and scream and vent.And to swear. I don't swear that much in real life though.
It's a scary thought to be open and honest,
especially to strangers. But I think I like it. There's a feeling of freedom
to it.
Some of you may have noticed that my spelling is not always good and I
think I skipped the class the day we covered punctuation.
This diary has become kind of refuge to me and reading back old
entries (which for a very personal reasons,have been taken off the web) makes me think that it's time for me to push forward and really live life - and be a man.A real man. But that won't happen as long as
I hide in this diary. So I need to go. I need to test my own resolve. I need to live and to be. I can't just wait for the world to make my experiences for me. It's up to me,it's up to each and every person to taste life actively.
Sometimes life is hard, sometimes it's good, but most of the time it's just plain boring.And I have to admit I lead a plain boring life. Well,at least it's better than not having a life at all.
Though it might seem boring, and I'm
feeling like a machine, I still do even the smallest things my own way.
I have my own way of seeing things.You have your own.And we all
have our own.
[oh,why did I break that into 3 sentences? That will only make me sound long-winded...]
We are all great
personalities, and this is shown in these small details of our
lives. I'm just sharing my life ,my ordinary life and my personality
with others.
Or maybe my life
is much richer than I think.I really don't know.
Perhaps you know something....
Thursday 19/8/1999
Did not go to the office tonight,nothing much going on.Coffee KCU9 expires Monday,lots of
switching activities in a very thin range,September and December contracts.
Cotton CTV9 has been slow too for the past few days,last night for
example,it moved within only 60 points.
So,what was the point of being there?
Going to the office has become such a pressure lately.Working with "that group"
can be a real prick sometimes.Most of the times infact.
Almost everyone is so superfacial. I see them every night.I meet them everynight.
They play their games everynight. I just watch.We just watch. Part of me feels sorry for
the new recruits.
Part of me feels angry.
Really angry.
I have to pretend to be nice. The fact is the world we live in ain't
that simple. Lucky me. I know I am insightful enough not to see things at its facade level.
I know I can also be nice and pretend to integrate myself into their mindset thus being a
part of the world they live in.
Gawd.
I am such a hypocrite.
I don't consider myself a bad guy, but I can be a little
hermit-like at times. When my butt sinks into my chair,
(where I am now), it may, on ocassion, resist leaving.
So I'm just going to surf the net....I have nothing to say....
Friday 20/8/1999
Well, it's really early.It's 5-00 am Saturday. Just got home about 30 mins or so ago.Was at Estana with Dominic and Kumar after office,usual stuff.
Market was cruel,coffee especially.I thought yesterday's price was low enough,tonight it nose-dived to 86-30.Werner got trapped,he should have locked his position when the price was 100-00 a few days ago.Well,he took the chance.
Yesterday, I
really have no clue what
I did. Eventually, I learned some commodity stuff on-line
, but other than that...
I think I was useless. It's not that life is boring... it's
that... I've been sleeping during the day... and staying awake at
night.
It's really sad.
If there's one thing bad about being on the
net, it's being able to connect at night with no problems,thus not
giving me
opportunity to go to sleep.
Oh well.
Was on the phone with Ana today.She's been a good friend since my working days at Jalan Conlay, KL.
I last spoke to her about 5 months ago so it was a surprise to hear from her again.
We get along very well,she knows a lot about me and I know a lot
about her too.She's very "westernized",she smokes like a chimney
and she's very much into westerners.
[
well, she doesn't know a thing about me having a page,
so basically I'm pretty safe...*LOL*..]
She's miserable. She can't find love. I mean, in-love.
Nobody thrills her. I've been there. I'm sorta there right now.
I explained to her that she doesn't think she leads an exciting
life but everyone else does. That makes her attractive to people
who lead unexciting lives. She needs to find someone who's life
is just as exciting -- so they are thrilled by each other. Of
course, who am I to give advice?
Oh,I think I need to fall in love.
Saturday 21/8/1999
9-00 pm:
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it seems
as though they're here to
stay..."
My neigbour (one floor below) has been playing The Beatles for the
past few hours now.It was nice at first but now it bugs me..., I
used to play that song over and over
when life began to overwhelm me. That was long time ago.
It reminded me
that the difficulties of life were temporary, that with
a little time everything would
work itself out. What happens when yesterday begins to drift
further into the past,
when the days where my problems seemed under control are so
far gone that I no longer
remember how to be that happy. What can I do when the one
thing that made everything
else reasonable, drifts off into yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be..."
Oh, I'm a bit hungry,will go out for dinner
later.Not now.I still have some works to do.Still have some sites
to check.
Yet I'm wasting my time with this entry.I don't usually write much. I suppose I haven't much to say, though I feel I do.
It's just that to write here, where everybody can see, should
they choose to, and judge,
well, that takes a certain inspiration. Nobody (well,except
one or two)
has written me
to tell me I suck, or that I moved them, or even that I didn't
make them feel anything at all.
So why do I write?
The point was for me to have a means of expressing myself to
anyone who cared, but nobody reads it. So I am wasting my time,
right?... but here I sit, plugging away, agonizing over every
detail, trying not to edit myself to much and make it all seem
too pasteurized. Trying to cough
up something worth the time I hope someone will spend to read it.
It may not be any good, but it is what I have to say, so there it
is.
Every day is full of simple thoughts. We all have them, we all share ideas and
thoughts with one another. But every thought is different in one way or another.
Many pass through the day with thoughts such as,
"What did
I do yesterday?", "What shall I do today?" "What will I do
tomorrow ?"
In everyone's life is a time to be alone. No one deserves to be alone.
Yet, I am alone. But I like it. So far. Life's great. Maybe not as
great as yours. But it's great....when it's great,obviously.
This is my life by the way.
When in the past people said things like,
"Life just can't be great
all the time" or "You should be grateful, other people have far
more bigger problems" to me, I usually responded with "So ?"
There's always someone with bigger problems, obviously.
So what the hell am I thinking now?!
I'm telling myself the cliches I despise. Pointless, utterly
pointless. Sometimes I'm pretty good at fooling myself,
but this just won't do. I've got to come up with something
better if I want to trick myself.
Which leads to the obvious question "Why on earth would I
want to trick myself?!"
Gawd. I'm logging off now. Guten Appetit.
Sunday 22/8/1999
Today I spent the whole day outside. Almost. Weather was ok; not too hot, not too cloudy.
To Section 2 for breakfast, was at the stall for over an hour, too engross reading newspapers. One of my habits (good or bad), reading newspapers while eating. Eating while reading.
Then to Shah Alam lake for a bit of ,well,err....enjoying fresh air.Was at the other side of the lake, nearer to the State Library, not many people there.
Then worked on my laptop for about 30 mins, drats, the battery was weak.
Managed to learn some commodity stuff, or rather "read" the "HELP" file, GlobalCharts.com. I downloaded this trial programme a few days ago, too technical, not at all my kind of things.
The Company e-mailed me yesterday wanting to know how I was progressing. Hehehehe....bad news guys, really bad news....
Then to Farmers Market / Pasar Tani, near Macro & Shah Alam Stadium. Funny, when they first started (months ago) there were no "farmers" but Sunday Car Boot Sales. Now, all these "city farmers" outnumber car-booters. Boot Sales concept does not really work here in Malaysia.
Did not buy anything. What do you expect me to buy? Vegetables? Second-hand shirts?
There was also a go-kart race, right next to the Stadium.Spent an hour there, I'll probably come back next weekend. Or the weekend after. Or not at all. There's more to life than watching people go-karting.
Hmmm,lots of activities in Shah Alam these few weeks.
Afternoon saw me going up and down Franchise City (Kota Francais) .A building, not a city. Wonder why they call that soon-to-open 5-storey mall a "city". The building looks ok from the outside, strong and impressive. But once inside, you'll notice the workmanship. Way below average. Down below.
I was fascinated by the wide range of stuff being displayed/sold at PKNS Complex. Another exhibition/promotion kind of thing. From home-made stuff to immitation goods. VCDs for example. Bloody lots of stalls displaying "latest" VCDs. All pirated. At 10 quids each. I nearly bought "Big Daddy" and "Mouths Wide Open"...oooppsss, I mean "Eyes Wide Open"
Highlight of my entire week probably was "having my hair cut....*LOL*...Yeah, it was.
cut 'n wash as usual?
nope. g.i.
what? g.i? you serious?
you heard me right. yeah. g.i.
apapasal?
saja.
Sure ada apa-apa ni. Frust ker? Ker bayar nazar?
[ishhh...banyak songeh pulak budak sekor ni...]
Saja jer...lagipun kalau i tak botak pun tak ada orang nak, lebih baik botak...
hahahahaha....
Sometimes it's not the burden that breaks you down,but the way you carry it.