Zack called me to his room again.
Il a essayé de m'empoisonner,
il a essayé de me tricher.
Cette chose entière ne m'a pas fait fâché.J'étais trop triste
d'être fou.
Triste parce qu'il a essayé de me tricher.C'mon...I
was not born yesterday.Not another Tony,please....
Je sais qu'il a fait cela hors du désespoir.
Mais pourquoi?. Poor guy.That guy.Not me.
That whole thing ruined my trading session,it bloody ruined my trading session.
Didn't stay until cotton closing time,instead we went for a glass of Teh Tarik Tongkat Ali at Estana.
The place was so quiet,maybe it was too early,1-45 am.
Friday nights/early Saturday mornings the place is always jammed,packed with girly guys
from one club/disco across the road.
Apparently,kacau bapuk is
Malaysian men's favourite pastimes....yes...
Estana will be like scenes from
the movie The Birdcage (the film was banned here in Malaysia)on Friday nights.
And while I'm at this,here's a joke...
Q: How do you tell a gay bar?
A: The entrance is at the backside....
Oh sorry,that's enough to make you vomit.We nearly vomitted last night,we even had sickbags ready.
Saturday 7/8/1999
Looks like I have to cancel my plan of going somewhere next weekend.
Ida called just now,they (Ani,Ngah,Teh,Akak The - and their
families) are going home to visit our parents
on Saturday.I have to be there too.
Spent about 2 unfruitful hours looking for books on "commodity
tradings" at Berita Book Centre and Marwilis,PKNS Complex.Left
at about 3-00 when it was about to rain.Had a nice sleep until
Asar.
Then (together with
Nuar,Halimah & baby Irfan) to Segambut to pick Ida (and Ati,her
daughter) up.Had a nice family gathering at Teh's in Bukit Indah.
Ngah and the family were already there when we arrived.Akak The
couldn't make it,Abang The was busy with his new business.It was
a real nice family rendzevous,we chatted,we cracked jokes and we
laughed until our eyes swollen.
We only chatted serious
stuff towards dinner.
"...just
forget her,obviously she's not interested in you....you're not
that cheap,you have your pride..."
"...yeah,read between the lines Nal,
read
between the lines..."
.."so,let's get cracking,who's next on your
list then?...hahahaha..."
Wow,that sambal tempoyak was so
hot my face turned red.
Left at 10-30 pm,Nuar was behind the wheels.I didn't feel like driving.
Rilekslah,kutu, mana frust menonggeng punya....
11-45 pm:
I deleted her name/phone numbers etc from my mobile just now.
And I'm taking this opportunity to think about things again.
I always get so introspective when I'm alone. Think about things I
normally wouldn't think about.My life.My family.My friends.My sex life...
Just kidding.....*LOL*..
Sunday 8/8/1999
Hmmm, I haven't been writing much *thoughts* these few days.Yeah,I know. It seems like when
I have something to say, I have no time, and when I have time
to write, I'm all tapped out. And somehow simple reportage of
what I've been doing to keep my life busy (..*LOL*..)doesn't feel like a
wonderful thing to write about.... .( Dear Diary, today I woke up
at 1-00 pm and had a shower...)....
Hopefully, my brain will perk up again very soon.
I always find Sunday to be "day of thinking",probably because I have so much of free time.
I don't usually get online that much.Errr...well,Sundays I mean.
The conversations I had with my brothers and sisters (last night)
is still fresh in my mind as I type this.
"You are as loyal as a dog...."
"Yeah,but what's wrong with that?"
..."and you are as blind as a bat"...
For god sake,get over it Zainal!....
I am thinking of changing "myself",be more knowledgable,be
more organized,and above all,be more myself....
And since everyone else is busy thinking of
changing the world,and no one thinks
of changing himself/herself (except me...*LOL*..),I think I
will succeed.
I want to *present* myself in the best way possible.No,I'm not trying to fish attentions.
No.
I want to do it for me.
If someone doesn't like me for who I am, and find me (?) and
(?) the way I am, then they are the one with the problem,
right?
If no one likes me the way that I am... they can go.... buy a
currypuff or something. Yeah, that's it.
And don't forget to say a little prayer before you eat.
Anyway. I'm fighting to find positive reasons for my actions.
But I only know I feel better like this.Much better. And maybe it's all that
counts. I couldn't go on pretending I'm okay when I'm cracking inside.
I couldn't go on faking happinness, pretending I'm ok. I am not.
How ironical. To get exactly what I had dreamt of, and
find I'd rather it stayed an unreachable dream. Or maybe,
maybe I did not exactly find what I was looking for.
Maybe I was looking for the
next best thing.Or the next best thing to the next best thing.
Oh,you are just confusing yourself,Zainal.
But then again,to make my dreams come thru' is to wake up.....oh,ok...
It seems it's construction time again. Time to reinvent those
figures of myself, and of my want.
And I'm not making myself sounds too complicated either.
No.
Monday 9/8/1999
Was at PKNS Complex this afternoon;paying bills,lunching and stuff.
I witnessed one incident at KFC,thought of writing it here.
I was about 6th (or maybe 7th) in line when suddenly one rude fat
Chinese guy came
pushing his way past me and everyone else, yelling at the
cashier (a Bangladeshi immigrant).....
"Hey,you said you weren't
serving anyone for
fifteen minutes mah because you said you had to wait
for the food to be ready...
blah blah blah.
I didn't see him waiting around anywhere, so I don't know
where he came from.But he was rude.Very rude, irate and verbally
abusive to the cashier.He insisted that the guy take his order.
He then went outside and made a call.We could hear him clearly,his voice was so loud.
After 10 minutes or so he opened the door and yelled...
"No, I want to cancel my order,I want
my money back"...
"No,you can't do that,your order has been placed and it will be
ready in 10 minutes."
"But it's your fault and I'm already late".
"That's not my problem"
"Hey,you better watch your mouth.Go back to Bangladesh if you don't like to work here
,we don't want you here.."
...blah blah blah...
and it went around a couple more times, with the man yelling
over my head as the cashier tried to take my order.
I can't believe the man was getting that upset over a
small thing. The other people around me were just smiling, shaking their heads, looking at the sky,
the sidewalk, the trees across the street, trying desparately not
to tell the man what a tube he was
being.
Hmmm....some people...I am not always a nice person, nor am I an evil person either.But that guy.....huh..
Tuesday 10/8/1999
It rained continously today,heavy at times.Stopped for 5 minutes and it poured again.
I still don't understand it why our Manager is so pissed with me/us,he did
not even talk to us last night.
Ok,I caught him gonking that Friday night,that must be the reason.
Grow up,man.
We have this mutual agreement that my plans for each
trade are not to be criticized. Just because he disagrees does
not make him right. Yes, sometimes he is right but that's not
the point, because sometimes I am right too.
[ Well,most of the times he is wrong,
he is too "technical".There must be reasons behind price movements,
and
that movements will be shown on charts ]
Besides, I am trading
MY own account.
Just leave me alone.
And just because he is our Manager does not mean he can simply ask us to enter market when there is no clear indication of it's direction....Unless he's desperate.Actually he is.Very desperate indeed.
The point is, that for my
plan to be successful, I have to follow "my plan" consistently.
Not his.When you mix the two it breaks the consistency factor and
you lose your edge. The law of averages now works viciously
against you.
Go find your own investors....just don't touch me,don't touch us,you are just barking up the wrong tree.I'm not that easy to be manipulated.
Gobshite.
Wednesday 11/8/1999
5-45 a.m:
Nice to hear from DrH again,my so-called "old internet friend" (no puns intended).She's now married and I guess that's probably the reason why she's not online that often anymore.I wish I could just "cut and paste" her message and put it here since I'm so lazy to write today's entry.
Oh,what's wrong with me? I try to work, but sitting in front of this
computer won't do.I'm not lazy,I'm not bored, I'm just tired I guess. Tired of going in circles.Tired of going from one end to another only to find there were no ends....[ how crazy can a guy be?..*LOL*.. ].Tired of thinking.
And I can't
seem to find a way to break out of it.Lots of ideas cross my mind,bloody lots of ideas.
Some better than others, but none of them exactly right. They
just leave me with this renewed feeling of being locked.Feeling of being trapped.
And reading her honest and sincere message makes me thinking.I like to think that I am an honest, candid person [ gawd ] with the
same kinds of issues any of us might have.
I think a part of
being honest is being comfortable revealing hypocracy. I am.
I know that what I say may not make sense or contradict things
I have said or done.
I try to
cheer myself up by thinking I've got no reason to complain.Not when I compare my life to hers.(Not that her life is in deep shit.No.)
Not when I compare my life to some other people's.
No,it doesn't work.
I got what I wanted...[ really?..no,you did not ], what I needed [ see,lying again...hahaha..], so I shouldn't be complaining.
Sometimes I wonder whether I * really * understand what I'm
striving for and what it means to my eyes.What it means to my mind.
Sometimes I wonder whether I know.
And I guess that's the purpose of this journal thingy, finding my true self...*LOL*...All I ask now is that *some people* let my journey be
my own. A big part of why I write here to see myself in this
reflection. And in order to do that I need to be free to express
what's in my heart,what's in my mind... be it angry or rude.Or even sarcastic. And if *they* wait me out,
I think *they* will find that I do work it out.
Ohh yesssss.....
I know I have lots of weaknesses.....but then again,people who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of
taking advantage of them.
So guys,the ball is in your court...*LOL*...
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing
an imperfect person perfectly."