Life Of A Typical Malay - August 2000
Monday 14/8
Was at the main office (Taman Setiawangsa) this afternoon for a
meeting with the MD (En Roslan) and Mr Kong. I should have told
En Roslan about my "position", ya know, me not getting my salary,
and the appointment letter etc. But I'm such a nice guy ...heh...to
put Mr Kong into trouble. He's the one not doing his job I guess.
Actually we had other things to discuss and the reason I was
called for the meeting was to report on progress of works in general.
Had lunch with Mr Kong later on, he picked up the tab. I sensed something fishy but it's too early to tell.
Reached the site at 3-30 pm, worked on that bloody progress report until 6-45 pm and took me nearly an hour to reach Shah Alam. Had a quick shower, said my Maghrib and by 8-45 pm I was already at Subang Jaya office.
Coffee plunged again making new contract low, 76.50, lowest in
six years. London LIFFE traded below USD 800-00 for the second
time in 8 years. Bearish Commitments Of Traders Reports
(last Friday after trading session) was the main reason.
The others being warm weather in Brazil with absolutely no risk of frost
in the very near future and mounting CSCE stock and anticipation
of large increase(of up to 600,000 bags ) in tomorrow's GCA
(Green Coffee Association) Report.
Told the other Traders about my intention of driving straight to
the office (Pantai Hillpark) after trading hours.
You are one weird guy, Zainal, but
for god sake, take a bit of rest first.- Abang Wan.
Why don't you just spend the night here,
damn it, you need to have a good night sleep. - Kak Siti.
I know you are not a small boy. - Haji Hashim
Tidur kat office jer lah Nal, pagi-pagi esok baru pegi KL. - Kak Zainab.
Ok, ok, ok....I'll spend the night here at the office and I'll leave tomorrow morning. I'm too tired to drive home to Shah Alam.
Next time I'm not going to tell them what my plans are,
I know they care a lot about me (some of them) and
to know that they do, scares the hell out of me...heh...
I was about to sleep when the phone in the operation room
rang continously, and it was locked. Had to endure that
freaking sound for a good 10 minutes or so. All I did for the next
hour was to turn and toss, turn and toss. I could not bring myself
to sleep. Sat straight up and lit up a cigarette, wondering what
to do next. Took a shower (it was 4 something) and spent
the next few minutes submitting myself to Allah and
I was close to wailing (and as I write this, air mata aku mengalir jer, lama dah aku hidup kat dunia ni, banyak dosa aku buat....aku tak akan "give up" mintak petunjuk Tuhan...
Decided to go to one Internet Cafe to have some reports printed, here in Subang Jaya SS15 there are a few cafes that operate 24 hours a day, kind of cool don't you think so?
Reached Pantai Dalam just before Subuh, was thinking of taking a nap at the mosque but there was a ceramah that lasted until 7-30 am.
So, I was up all night........
Tuesday 15/8
Our Site Meeting started a bit late, 11-00 am instead of 9-30 am. Nothing much being discussed, took some of the Consultants to Block B to see sample unit of the Apartment Type B.
Had a heated argument with Simon in the afternoon:
Simon: This project was once mine, and now you are asking me to handle the architectural works. I don't want to get involved.
Me:You told Mr Kong that you agreed to supervise the works, right?
Simon:No, I was just joking...blah blah blah
Me:Look, if you are not happy with my presence here, then by all means tell me the truth. I can just go if that is what you want. Unlike you, I'm not that desperate for this job.
[Cha Ya Nun Alif(s) memang gitu, suka sangat bermuka-muka, depan
gang dia cakap lain, depan orang lain cakap lain. Aku tahu,
dua-dua ni tak suka aku ada kat sini, kind of menggugat diaorang.
Anyway, I was too busy doing my reports to pay attention to what he had to say.
I managed to be online for half and hour to check on London
LIFFE before heading home for a much needed sleep until 11-20 pm. Reached the office about midnight,Coffee traded within a tight range after yesterday massive
sell-off, looks like small Speculators and Fund
Managers are reducing their short positions.
But Commercials/Hedgers are not selling at this price level.
Spent the night at the office again.
Wednesday 16/8
Busy, busy, busy....darn, the printer ran out of magenta color I
had no choice other than to use my own printer. Then I ran out of
A3 and A4 paper. Then the photocopy machine went kaput. Then I had
to go for site inspection. Then the Architect arrived for another
inspection. Then Zuraimi called me saying the figure he calculated was wrong and I had to do it all over again.
Took a cab to Citibank to withdraw some money, I only had 50 bucks on me, never been this
broke. Paid RM 300 for printing, color copyying and scanning of
that bloody reports. Was given a nice umbrella as a gift. To find a
cab at 5-30 pm was a nightmare, I just walked up and down Jalan
Ampang with a brolly in one hand and a few plastic bags in the other.
Macam bapok jer...bawak payung...Awwww!!! I tak
rela, you....... Real men don't carry umbrella. It was not
even raining.
Managed to hail a cab after nearly 40 minutes standing there like a fool. Reached the site about Maghrib and packed my stuff and headed straight to Shah Alam.
To Section 2 to get the things binded, spent nearly 2 hours there. By that time I was feeling like a robot, I kept telling myself, heck, you have to do what you have to do, Zainal.
Reached Subang Jaya at 11-30 pm, took a bit of rest later. Started to do some checking/finishing touch to the reports at 2-30 am when trading ceased for the day. It was so quiet I could hear sound coming from my PCMCIA card. By 6-00 am, everything was ok, left for Pantai Dalam after saying my Subuh at Masjid Subang Jaya.
Thursday 17/8
KDN Site Meeting - heck, I did some mistakes (typing error), instead of "1st July", I typed "1st August" [ shame on you Zainal, remember, you said you want this year to be slow......]
I felt so relieve the moment the meeting ended I just sat there in my room thinking what to do next, or rather, where was I going for a quick nap because I owe myself more than 12 hours of sleep.
Decided to call it a day at 4-00 pm, headed straight to Subang Jaya and was in the land of nod until 7-30 pm. To Shah Alam to collect my snail mails, to have shower etc. This past week, I've been spending less than half an hour each day in Shah Alam I might as well rent my apartment out.
Not many Traders turned up tonight, Halim and Bob were not there. It was Haji Hashim's birthday and we were treated with bubur kacang, sandwich and biscuits.
Friday 18/8
Well, I've made up my mind ! It finally came to me, and has
been coming to me slowly but surely all along.
I've decided to dedicate my life to becoming a Professional Gambler
Professional Trader. I'm not sure how long it will take at this point,
but I have reached a point were I must decide 1 of 2 things.
Is trading going to remain a part time venture ?
Or am I going to focus on becoming a Professional Trader ?
That means getting to the point, where I can do nothing but
trade for a living, and clearly understand that the markets
are a way of life for me.
I can only say, that in the last few months, since I started
this venture, I have fallen in love.
I now have an unavoidable passion for trading.
So I have decided to marry it. I never had any idea that
trading could be so fascinating, or could become so deep.
There are a few who trade all the time, because they don't
work full time, or have worked many years, and can trade enough to
simply enjoy it, but not as their only livelyhood or focus.
With me, my whole life I've been searching for definition.
What is it that I must be ?
I've always had many talents, as well as my share of faults,
quite like most people who ever propose to take on anything.
[ I've been a slave of many masters. I've been a small King
as well. I've been a Lecturer (on a part time basis at ITM/UiTM),
and a Civil Engineer.
I've been (during my student days in the UK)
a dishwasher, and a fruit picker. Well, these 2 don't
count really, you don't have to have brain to be a dishwasher
at Indian Restaurant, do you?
I used to run a Class D construction company while working
as a Resident Engineer for Kompleks Budaya Kraf, Jalan Conlay, KL.
Made nice profits but payments were late we (me and En Mahadi) had to cease opeartion.
I don't know whether I will be going back to running a
construction company, I am part-owner (sleeping partner?)
of one Class B company and since I'm not one of those UMNO's ass-lickers,
chances of getting projects looks slim. ]
I figure I'll give it a shot.
There is no other place, where I have endured pain,
without promotion, yet loved every minute of it.
There is nothing that compares to trading for me.
And I feel my calling is trading. I'm tired of looking, and I
understand that one must, and should enjoy, and love what
they do to be really and truly happy. I'd rather be a failure
in what I enjoy than be success in what I hate. No, not
that I hate working as a Resident Engineer, I just hate the
thought of working for someone.
Well, Trading does it for me. To me, its the ultimate high.
The ultimate challenge.
I know you guys are probably laughing at me now. Hey, cant blame you.
How can this guy be thinking he's going to become professional ?
Trust me, I understand your points, even before they surface....heh...
I can only say, for some people, they just know. For some, I
guess they get their calling. Well, I've got mine. It's Trading.
I have many, many hours upon hours of study to do yet. The road
will be long, and winding. But I've made up my mind.
I just love this stuff. Heck, 2 years ago,
I couldn't tell what a single trading term meant.
But in the back of my mind, I always felt that this NY CSCE,
and all its power, where somehow connected to a single entity.
Well, I think I've found it. The markets.
I can't really begin to describe the absolute fear that
I felt when I first put 5 grand on the line. I went long in cotton.
Well it was fighting back then, and I didn't understand money
management. I took some losses, and withdrew all my
longs from the market. I watched cotton in turn go to 65.
What a feeling. At the same time, mind you, I had my coffee
aspirations kicking in. I took it on the chin there as well.
But all the while I knew. I just knew these markets were ready
to move. I couldn't always pin-point my timing. But I just knew.
Now I've had some good winners too. But after 2 years, I can
honestly say, without a doubt, I've learned quite a lot and
I'm ever ready to learn more.
But loosing bets/being in the red could have been avoided by alot of simple
things I didn't know. I just didn't know how to trade.
I made mistakes, I married losing trades, I held on to losers.
I entered poorly. I risked far too much on hope.
I would even trade on a whim at times. Just tossing good
money all over the place.
Just like a bull in a china shop.
Well in the last couple of months, I have learned more about trading
than in the previous 10. I understand the little things now.
The things that Real Pros have known all along. This game is tough.
Very tough. But, you can trade to win. It just takes discipline,
and good business minded sense.
You constantly have to cut losses or costs. You have to let
losers go, immediately. You have to tighten a good stop graciously,
alloting for breathing room, while yet protecting and locking in
profits.
You don't pay 4 comissions on the same trade. You learn to wait.
You learn to pick your battles better. You learn to not trade at all.
The virtue of standing by, and waiting like a Jackle, for prey.
You have to be a Scardy Cat. There are no Heros in the markets.
Only dead ones. Good Traders know these things. Good traders better
themselves. They seek understanding and knowledge of the markets
everyday. They find winning trades, and feed off of them.
They learn tactics. They learn skill, and timing. They learn importance.
Primary and Secondary considerations. As well as when they apply.
They know that they will lose. But after awhile, you learn to lose
less. They understand survival. In the wild, if you're young,
and weak, and timid, and uneducated, you perish. Same things
in the markets.
If you don't get better, you die. Or even worse, you add to
a dying position, and continue to trade wrong, thus creating the
slow, drawn out death. All the while thinking, hey better times
are just ahead. I'm just having bad luck.
Trading is not luck. There is some luck involved on entries and exits.
But your better traders understand the markets they are trading more.
They also don't try to beat the markets. They just find a way
to co-exist with them. Yes, trading harmony attained. That doesn't
even sound right. But it is true, and it can be done.
Anyway, I've decided to turn professional. I have an initial target
of 3 years to begin Full Time trading for a living.
I hope it comes sooner. But in the meantime, I have to trade
some and work some. But that's my goal now.
It will not be easy. I have many things to change yet. But I've
made up my mind. That is my quest. I want trading to be my Job.
Or perhaps write books on trading technics etc, some Traders make tons of money selling books than trading.
Saturday 19/8
Someone just left me a note saying that I am afraid to be happy.
Ya know what, they hit the nail right on the head.
I guess I feel like what if I get to the point that I'm happy and my
life still sucks then what am I left with?
I also find that if you are happy and something terrible
happens it makes it hurt that much more. But if you are numb
the pain seems to go away that much quicker.
Anyway thanks for stiring up the thought process.
Sunday 20/8
Soft Boredom...
...it's not difficult.
...it's not trying.
...it's boring.
I try to deal with my worst enemy by using self-deception,
but I'm terrible at lying to myself. I know all my lines
of bullshit and as soon as I start hearing one in my continuous
soliloquies-in-my-head I call myself a liar.
Lately, instead of my usual habit of continually debating/arguing with
my friends/colleagues--except not arguing with them in person but when
they're not there, and imagining their responses--I've been
daydreaming about arguing with people who I haven't even met yet.
Strange but it's true.
It's odd. I do this all day. I only don't do it when I'm asleep.
I continually talk to myself, but usually not out loud.
If it's out loud I'm usually pretty out of it. (Well, at least I'm guaranteed of having intelligent conversations)
I talk about anything I have on my mind. I answer myself.
I often hold four opinions simultaneously, and argue them
while sitting somewhere harmlessly.
In a way, it's my only true life, but it's in an idiolect that
I feel would be incomprehensible to anyone else.
Perhaps, but nevermind. I'm trapped in here.
You're trapped out there.
...and never the twain shall meet.
------------------
Went to KL in the evening, wanted to buy tickets to see Of Men And Other Strangers next Saturday
but the office (The Actors Studio) was closed for the 8-30 pm show.
last week next week