4-30 pm: My, it's going to be a long day today, been at the office since
11-00 am and will be in until 2-00 am. I'm tired, I'm sleepy and I need to have a shower.
Went to Marriott for lunch with
Ida just now, wanted to go to KL Plaza where she works but the
place was so crowded with people coming for interview. Apparently,
that soon-to-open Planet Hollywood was having walk-in interview sessions. Then to
Bukit Bintang Plaza for my Zohor.The
office is a bit quiet now, only Zack, Lynn,Ricky, Michelle,
Tim and Chuah are around.
Going to spend the time printing info on cotton,
market reports etc. Darn,I was correct last night but too scared
to enter cotton market for the very first time.
Maybe next time I'll just shoot for the moon. Even if I miss,
I'll land among the stars. But fortune is like the market, where
many times, if I can stay a little, the price
will fall..*LOL*..
And while I'm here let me ramble a little...
I feel that everyone else has had so many things going on for them
this past year. Like actual change and I have been here. Same old
same old. I don't know if that is good. It may not be bad but
it doesn't seem good. I want to be altered somehow. No idea how
that is going to happen though. But something needs to change here.
Ah well......
Basically sometimes I tend to feel like I am reaching out but
no one has grab my hand.
I guess I deserve it for all the shit I have done. I am really
starting not to trust or
have faith in the human race much..*LOL*.... People just let each other down.
What a world!!!
Oh,I'm a sinking ship, with no bouyancy to resurface....
Wednesday 28/7/1999
5-00 pm - (Internet Cafe) Salem Power Station, Bukit Bintang Plaza.
Oh, I have to write in from here, I don't feel good logging on to the internet at the office, everytime I do so the telephone line flashes and I don't want them to think I'm wasting my time on-line.
This cafe looks ok, I'm a bit surprised not to see many young boys/girls chatting on mIRC pretending to be adults. The only flaw is that they are still using IE4,yikes... And their Netscape doesn't have up-to-date plug-ins...I can't even open midi files...
I have lots of sites to check today, cotton sites are my main target. Just read a report about (cotton) market direction in August. I better be prepared or else I'll miss the boat again.
Feel a bit tired and sleepy, man, I only had 3 hours of sleep yesterday. I stayed a little bit longer at the office last night (morning), cotton counter closes at 2-45 am.
From next week onwards I'll have to re-schedule my routine, I don't think I'll be able to be online after market. Too sleepy and too tired for sure. It will be more interesting, what with coffee and cotton market going on opposite direction.
Thursday 29/7/1999
Didn't go to the
office this morning, didn't feel like it. Too tired and I needed
extra hours of sleep. Only woke up at 2-30 pm, feeling fresh and very much
"alive".
Didn't do much surfing either, came across one article about "journaling".
Apparently, personal writing not only improve emotional health, but physical health too.
According to studies, writing about your deepest thoughts
and feelings in is a powerful tool for you
to add to your healthful living tool chest.
Most men resist personal writing until some traumatic experience,
such as divorce, serious illness, a change in the job or work
environment, or the death of a friend or loved one, forces them
to seek extra help. Even everyday frustrations can provide
topics for writing. Journaling works every time it's used.
Since journaling is for your own use, spelling, handwriting,
and grammar are not major concerns. The purpose of writing in
the journal is for you to get your feelings and experiences
down on paper. You're not writing for a grade or for review by
someone else.
Nothing much happening on the market tonight, coffee was dull and cotton caught us off guard, played sideways for an hour and suddenly jumped by more than 2 points, only to plunge again towards closing time.
Was chatting with Kumar about internet when Zul jokingly said, "get real,people..."
The thing that really pisses me off is when people think the cyberworld is so
different from the real world. It's the people that make everything. If you aren't a popular
person in real life, you really can't escape to the internet...*LOL*..
Friday 30/7/1999
July is coming to a close. And I am kind of sad.
Well not really sad, just bored. Guess what time it is. Go on, guess.
4:30 am. What is THAT about?
The last few days I
have actually been on a not-so-normal routine of working.
It does me no good.
And market looks gloom, coffee especially, cotton ain't that bad.
As for me and my feelings? Well being busy helps but overall I
am not in a good place. I often find myself in just a very
negative state of mind about everything. Something wrong somewhere.
Like smiling almost
becomes a chore. Funny thing is I sometimes laugh at myself,
like when I was on my way down from Level 14 just now. I looked in the
mirror,shook my head and then laughed...well, not really laughing
but smiling. Or maybe I smiled first and then shook my head.Ah...it
doesn't matter, happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease
to be amused...*LOL*..
I don't think I can express how I am feeling. I don't believe
anyone but me can truly know the depth of my feelings. You see,
I try my best not to fall for people because I logically know
that it won't work out. Scary isn't it?..*LOL*.. But then someone becomes
part of my life and I can't stop myself, even if there are
reasons why it absolutely can't be. That never matters.
I think I am a rarity. I "can" fall for a person, regardless of looks.
If I could put some up I would. It is like I have been
stabbed in many different places. Like someone has gone
over my body with a sharp blade. I am very raw. I am exposed.
The pain is really great
and I pray that I will be able to come to the point where I can
be my happy self again. I think its going to be a really long time.
God, give me some patience. And give it to me NOW!
So...
well...
errmmmm....
oh ok...
I....
I'm officially proclaiming my hatred
of being single.
It's about time to settle down, because I am "sick" of being alone.
"Sick" is not the word to describe how
I feel right now, right at this very moment. "Tired" is more
appropriate I guess.
Kind of hard to say such a
thing after what I just wrote on top.
Hopefully I won't feel "tired" or "sick" this often...
It's time to take some chances and spread my wings and escape
my own personal hell. So, any single ladies out there?...*LOL*...
Whew...
Saturday 31/7/1999
5
-50 pm:
Here I am, stuck at home again on a Saturday evening.
I don’t know whether or not to go out, surf the 'net
until my eyes glaze over, or just go to bed. Maybe I’ll
do all three. Not at the same time, of course.
I guess I don't really need to plan much of anything right now.
It's kind of nice not to have to.
Nuar,Halimah and baby Irfan are away for the weekend,visiting Halimah's mum in Johor.
And they are taking my car. Looks like I have to just call a cab if
I want to go out.
So basically I'm home alone again for the second weekend in a row. Maybe they (Nuar and Halimah) know that I want to be left alone. They did ask me to join them.Malaslah aku, aku tak suka sangat makan durian, lagipun, kalau nak durian, kat KL boleh cari.
Maybe I'm missing the point of "going away for the weekend".
I'm thinking of going away next weekend or the weekend after. Still do not know where to go to, Langkawi perhaps, or Tioman. Or maybe Singapore. I'm seriously thinking of going to Singapore, haven't been there for god knows how many years. Hope haze will clear by then...
Pause....."Where Are You Now" (Jimmy Harnen) is playing on the radio...shhhhhh....quiet please...
It's funny, I'm very much into music as much as any fourteen-year-old -- I don't feel old. I still daydream like a high-schooler
-- although much of that is creating worlds in my mind instead of
fantasizing about getting a girl...*LOL*...
When I'm truly by myself, away from my duties at work, I still feel like that
fourteen-year-old with the geeky glasses and almost no friends,
and who was busy writing stories about falling in love when I never
actually had.
Ok, I'm logging off, I just updated my cast page, it looks ok now on both IE and Netscape.
If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him,is he still wrong?