Life Of A Typical Malay - July 1999

Wednesday 21/7/1999

I did a little bit of spring cleaning on my hard drive this afternoon and found some old files that I intended to put on one of my pages. I re-read some of the things I had written, some craps and little excerpts of things that I write when I'm feeling a little bit down. Or a little bit happy. I don't write when I'm totally down. Or when I'm really happy. Something that I write when I'm feeling inspired or am really thinking.

It's a strange feeling to actually think that I really wrote those craps. And when I go back and re-read them, I know exactly what I was feeling then. But I just kind of stuff them back into one of my files and forget about them until I come across them again. Kind of strange isn't it?

The same thing goes with this journal. I just write and let others know what's going on with me. I wish I could write more deep thoughts and stuff so that if I even go back to read old entries, I could think back to myself and re-experience the emotions. But sometimes I think I'm getting a little frustrated with having this journal as the only outlet for what's happening in my life

Took a spin around Section 9, 10, 11 and 12, Shah Alam until about 6-00 pm. I find myself going on whims like this lately. Almost everyday, all I do is go out and drive for hours. Never any direction, but just out there.

I think it's pretty much reflective of my life. Here we go again...*LOL*... I've never really had any direction, I just get out and do what I fancy. Personally, the philosphy has worked. So far. But whenever there is any external influences, like my social life for example... nothing ever works. And I get really depress and do stupid things.

We had a meeting tonight, just after the market opened. It was suppossed to start at 8-30 pm but En Fadhil was busy with someone. Surprisingly, Tony and Priya were there at the office. As expected, he did not get the axe. But now we have nothing to do with him anymore. Me, Dominic, Kumar, Andrew and Werner. And Agnes perhaps. We unanimously agreed to have Zack to be our new "Manager", on one condition. Don't bloody interfere with our accounts.

I'm seriously thinking of "doing" cotton now since coffee price has gone historically low. And the risk is not as high as trading coffee, daily price movement is only about 1 to 2 points. Compared to up to 25 points for coffee. Looks like I have to learn more about cotton now. Heck,I don't even know world's largest cotton producing country.

Thursday 22/7/1999

2-45 am.
I really have nothing much to say today, just got home from work and a bit tired. Hungry like (beep). Nothing in the fridge, and too lazy to drive to Seven Eleven. I was not at all hungry about an hour ago, otherwise I would have stopped somewhere in PJ for something light. I guess I'll just go to bed then, maybe in 30 mins or so. Let me finish writing this first.

Market was good tonight, everybody was shocked at first to see price jumped to 100.00 but deep down we were excited to know that temperature in Brazil getting colder and there was a report about polar air mass of 1035 millibar approaching coffee growing areas. What a news it was.

Cotton was not that active, playing sideways all the way.

Had a meeting, kind of, with Zack, Kumar and Dominic. Zack wanted the three of us to be his Trade Managers and help him out next week. I turned down his offer saying, I have no "talent" to be one. Besides, I have my own account to look after I don't think I can manage to have extra works. In jest Kumar replied, " "Perangai macam budak-budak, nak jadi Manager..."

...*LOL*.... When I look in a mirror, I see a boy, not a man. Some would say I am immature, but I guess if you say so. Most would agree that the thing they like to do the most is laugh and have fun. That's what I like to do. Well when it comes to my sense of fun/humor, it's really at a childish level. Gawd. My responsibilities are those of an adult but my attitude is pretty much that of a grumpy old man.

So, macamana aku nak jadi Manager kalau dah perangai macam tu? Betul jugak cakap Kumar tu, walaupun it was a joke. Promised Zack to help him out - just for a week. And warned him not to address me as Manager, it's an insult. I'm a Trader not a Manager.

Oh,I just downed a glass of plain water and I'm not hungry anymore.

Gobshite, I "lost" my journal entries for Friday - Tuesday, I must have (accidently) deleted them. Drattttttsssss. Ok, looks like I have to re-do the whole bloody things.

Friday 23/7/1999

Ok, yeah so I really wrote this Saturday morning, sue me then...*LOL*.

I decided not to re-write those lost entries, stupid of me to do so. Ahhh...but that entry for Tuesday, I was trying to kind of giving signals to someone. And now that it's gone .....hmmm...

I know some day you'll have a beautiful life

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky

But why...why...why can't it be in mine? - Pearl Jam -

Was not in a good mood tonight,nothing seemed right. My market prediction was correct though, but it was not not to my advantage.

Guess what I just found out? My opinion counts for nothing . Not even shit, shit is too wonderful for my opinion, my opinion may one day aspire to being shit.

While having a 'discussion' about "stochastic and moving average" and the parts thereof, I was informed that, while that was an interesting theory, it's just not how it is. When I queried as to whether or not he had taken the time to read about this subject he was endeavoring to know so much about, he simply answered: "Well, yeah. You know, economic and all."

Up yours,tough guy. Why don't you sit in on one of my discussion sessions, why don't you apply your intelligence to actually learning these lofty subjects you claim to know so much about instead of regurgitating the musings of your less than qualified managers. Thanks for being so unreasonable.

Minutes before, I was taken aback by his supercilious rejection of my carefully considered answer to one of his I-see-no-point-of-asking-me-that-bloody questions. But I'm not going into this shit. No, I don't want to waste your time here either.

Business directors.

And before I bolt, I want to once again emphasize, "Don't take me so damn serious everyone". What you're seeing here on my pages are my many moods and my many emotions. And they change each day. I didn't put these pages up to be judged. You can if you want to,just judge me by my best moments, not my worst...*LOL*.

They are here merely for me to share some of my life and experiences with people who normally wouldn't have a chance to know me. Cut me some slack. I broke my own rule and re-read my previous entries and some of the stuff I've written makes me cringe. I will not however, alter or edit anything I've written. It's how I felt at the time, and good or bad - It's me. I make no apologies.

Saturday 24/7/1999

My big mouth always gets me in trouble. I feel like an idiot who should shut up most of the time. My views seem only to ever cause animosity or turbulence and that is never the intention. Well, I was having lunch with Mat at Hotel ITM when a group of smartly-dressed office workers walked in and sat next to our table.

We were chatting about those political issues, Mat was a bit agressive. I did not say much but did make a few sarcastic remarks. Little did we know that the guys there were listening to our conversation. And thay had UMNO badges on them. Shit.

We quickly changed our topic of conversation. Then Mat broke the news, problems with his wife. I thought they are happily married, heck, no. I told him to hang in there because it has to get better.

And he was like, does it? I could only answer by telling him that's what people keep telling me, how the hell should I know. Besides, I'm not a family man.....again, what the hell do I know.

see, I'm a good Uncle...*LOL*Akak The and the family were here this evening, had dinner together. Abang The nak pinjam Digital Camera aku, dia tak tahu aku nak guna kamera tu pasal aku mungkin nak taruk gambar dalam journal aku ni.

Told him about my journal and he was like, what? He didn't get it.

Writing this journal is good therapy for me. Many people don't understand that. I said, writing is good therapy for me. Still don't understand? I don't write good, I'm not a writer, I just ramble, I just write whatever I feel like writing, this is my space by the way.

I know I want to not be all depressing when I update this but I need somewhere to vent, and I like doing it here. I just need to be more careful I guess. At this point I have "no idea" who visits on a regular basis so I'll just ramble. Even if no one does that is fine too. Again...it is my outlet and I am sorry if I do not entertain you.

I am not hosting a god damn cocktail party.

Sunday 25/7/1999
My Sunday morning was spent in bed, afternoon on the road and evening at home.

I was a bit hyper today, went to KFC for some coffee. Boy, did I pour some sugar into that one because I was wired for the rest of the day?...*LOL*... Coffee is a good thing, but at the same time really dangerous. And trading coffee on New York Commodity Exchange is more dangerous.

I don't care. I do not do drugs or drink. It's against my religion. Well,I'm not religious. I'm not pious.

I smoke ocassionaly - not like a chimney though.

I have to have SOME vices. I'm not anti-sosial, I just want to be liked, is that so wrong?

Pui and Noor were here visiting, great to see them again. I was extremely nice to Pui today, gave him my other CD player and one set of pinggan mangkuk which I bought for RM 1500/set as his belated wedding present. Gave a set to Nuar, just to be fair. Well, when I am good I'm very very good, when I am bad...

Monday 26/7/1999
I made some changes to my index page today, just a little bit. I put my 2-year old pic (which was taken in Dunoon,Scotland), hahaha...everybody has their own way of getting attention.

There was an article in The Star today titled Surfing To Dull Men's Land -

a place in cyberspace may make life more interesting for dull people. Check it out and get a life.

Ever had the feeling that your life is not worth living and that everything around you is dull and grey?

Dull as you may be, you can find birds of the same feather in an exclusive club and you need no longer feel left out, lost and alone in the mainstream of life.

Just click away and access www.dullmen.com and you will encounter scores of like-minded members of your tribe.

A place in cyberspace where dull men can share thoughts and experiences, free from pressure to be "in and trendy" and enjoy instead the simple, ordinary things of everyday life.


So,off I went to the club...*LOL*...

The site draws a distinction between "nerds" and "boring men". It specifies that most "nerds" tend to be boring men. Dull men accept their dullness, boring men are dull men who actually believe that they are interesting.

O-me-god...O-me-god...

The site further adds that dull men are always sincere and many dull men are shy. And with the anonymity of the internet, now dull men are free-free to tell others what's on their minds, to share their experiences, strengths and desires.

 Oh ok,that does not sound too bad...

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