Life Of A Typical Malay - July 2000
Saturday 29/7
This entry is quite repetitive.
I'm sick and tired of:
- my caring for people going unacknowledged.
- being so close to someone all night (at the office), and then having to
hear them complain that no one was there.
- people telling me to open up to them and them not doing the same.
- doing everything for people and it becoming expected of me
- hearing people who I thought were my friends say they have no
friends/no one
who cares/no one to talk to
- feeling the way everyone makes me feel.
- trying to be a good friend to people only to turn around
and find out it's not good enough.
So...
- I'm not going to try anymore. I guess it may not be obvious that
I want to be a good friend.
- I want people to open up to me since I can't open up to them.
I feel as though everything I am and everything I try to be is not good enough for anyone.
I do sound like a teenage girl, don't I?...heh..
---------------
My life in general has seemed to be to start getting something in return
for what I give, more often, while still remaining as good as
possible. I have learned in the past year, that when I am being pushed
over the edge, and start sliding down, that it is okay to fight for my
life, instead of merely praying, taking care of myself and being as good
as possible.
To struggle, and preemptively push back.
To refuse to
give to those who already have more than me when what I really should be
doing is learning new things or trying to quit whining.
To be defensive and
offensive. How does this work karmically?
It has to do with the fact
that other people don't quite understand where I stand, perhaps they
can't quite picture anyone standing right at the edge of the cliff, so
they are just pushing according to a limited moral perspective or
something.
So I have become willing to become burdensome
for others,
again, to a certain extent. To argue and fight. But it is very
confusing, because, what if I don't know exactly where they
stand??? And, based on my experience, this is not only
possible, but likely. So then I fall back into my standard mode,
wherein goodness does not *fight* evil, it is either
present or it
is not.
Ok, so enough about the past. Right now I'm just trying to clean my
apartment, print some coffee and cotton reports, and to,
ermmmm, you know, stay alive and perhaps get healthier.
Sunday 30/7
Was in KL this afternoon, paying credit card bills and stuff. It was hot and stuffy I left
after a few hours, bought a few old computer magazines (back issues) at Kotaraya.
Also latest issue of a build-up magazine titled How Your Body Works, another fine British magazine,
been collecting this for about 2 months now. Hope I won't stop halfway, during my pre-internet years I collected more than a dozen of build-up magazines and my collection has become so huge I need 2 king-sized cabinets to have them nicely-stacked. Some of the titles can
be found here.
------------------later---------------
...and it's nice sometimes to whine on a quiet Sunday night...oh no, not again! .....*LOL*....
I sometimes wonder where I am. I know where I am, but I don't know
where the damn I is.
Whatever I there is came home on Sunday afternoon feeling wretched, feeling
discontent with life, knowing that deep down there is only hated for
where I am.
After surfing the net and whining a bit, I went for a nap at 3-00 pm,
like i usually do (on a Sunday), and woke up to throw myself back into what I call my
life. They say the body needs a day off. I haven't given my body a day's
rest in weeks. Instead, I throw myself into meaningless tasks, like
cleaning the whole apartment, including rooms I never clean. Instead I
dig through some old boxes (boxes of memories?) and throw out tons of
useless crap I forgot I even had.
Instead I do everything but spend quality time with myself. I did
enough of that this month, next month I promised myself I would just
do, not think about doing but instead just get up and do. Dammit!.
Instead I have let myself be the automation that I really am.
In the landscape, though, I sometimes am able to glimpse my shadow. It
follows me around, sometimes whispering in my ear, other times just
letting me feel his presence by a gentle release of breath.
I sometimes wish I could become that gentle release of breath. Filling
my belly with intoxicating life to only feel it slowly trace itself out
of my body.
I think then I might feel alive.
Monday 31/7
Today was not as busy as what I had imagined,
I'm a bit worried though, I haven't finished all the reports yet.
I'll do it tonight during trading hours then.
Mr Kong was at the site for a few minutes
and we discussed quite a bit, warned him about another
"nasty" letter from the Architect.
He told us about Phase 2 link house project which
to be delayed, I jokingly proposed to have Simon as the
person in-charge of architectural works for Phase 2
condominium project. It's getting a bit difficult to handle now,
at least I have someone I can rely on. My C-o-Ws are civil and
structural orientated, it's a bit taxing to supervise 2 trades at
the same time.Alah, nak jaga satu pun susah,
inikan nak jaga dua kerja...
Sent my car for a bit of washing/polishing, took them about an hour
and I almost fell asleep. They charged RM 60-00 which I think was
a bit too much.
- my car has never been this clean...
It rained in the afternoon so we just stayed at the office,
now that they know how to open midi files etc my office has
become like a dangdut center, with Malay and Hindi songs
being played over and over again. Arrgghh !!!!!!! I
better bring my Aztec Camera, Simple Minds, Crowded House or
perhaps Boyzone CDs tomorrow, just to see how they react.
Received a fax from the office asking me to attend the Board
& Exco Meeting tomorrow at 9-30 am. Blimey, I have a
Site Meeting tomorrow too, and, by the way, who the hell put my name on
that Exco & Management list? I haven't signed my letter
of appointment yet, for God sake! (Maybe they thought I had
already signed it, too bad, they are busy with project worth millions)
Anyway, there's nothing to worry about, that's a very common practice
here in Malaysia. I'm just glad they are not paying me nuts,
I actually said this during interview, and I had them, En Manaf and En Roslan in stitches,You pay nuts,
you'll get monkeys...
------later perhaps: 6-50 pm, usj office-----------
next month