I want to work like dog so I don't feel the passage of time. I want to
forget all of the things I have to do between now and then. I want to
jump into action without thinking of the consequences. I want the
adrenaline of the pure go. Go go go. I want to pick a fight. I want to
be numb with rage. I want to scream from the bottom of my gut so that
it rings out, a gutteral low-pitched thing to remind me I am alive.
I no longer feel sad
Just constantly mad
With a world I feel that has abondoned me
I push hard this way
And harder that way
But the ray
Of hope, I need so bad, refuses to shine my way
Disconnected, soul rejected from that which
matters most.
---------------
One day the angst will end
one day my loneliness will end
one day my alienation will turn positive
one day my solitude will be just that
one day my dreams will stop turning into sand
one day things will start getting better instead
of worse
one day I'll forget how to write sad journal entries
one day my inner peace will be more than fleeting
one day obscurity will be overshadowed by clarity
one day might never come.....
Monday 10/7
En Roslan's Secretary rang me up this morning asking me to be at Istana Hotel, KL
at 8-30 pm tonight for a dinner or something, in conjunction with the
launching ceremony of one of their projects. I'm so sorry
but I have some other plans for tonight, if only you told me last week....
But this is a special invitation....
Ok, tell En Roslan I can't make it tonight, maybe he'll remember something.
But if he insists on me coming for the ceremony then I will have to be there.
Call me later to confirm, ok?
And she didn't call. Thank goodness.
We were supposed to have a weekly staff meeting but Mr Kong did not turn up.
Called the office but his assistant told me that he was at the site.
Which site? I asked her back. Pantai
Dalam, she replied. But I'm calling from Pantai Dalam project
office and he's not here.
----------------
I think my weekdays routine for this week will be somthing like this:
6-30 am: Wake up, say my Subuh
prayer,
log on to the internet (print some market reports, check my mail
boxes etc), take a shower and get ready to leave for work at
7-45 am.
8-30 - 9-00 am: If I reach Pantai Dalam before nine then I'll
go straight for breakfast at one of many stalls nearby.
Actually the Contractor are providing us (me and my staff)
free meals at the canteen but I don't think that is healthy
(in every imaginable sense...heh..)
. I mean, if they are honest, why don't they take care of their own
staff? Why us? Just because we are the Client's and Consultants'
representatives? Anyway, I don't want to be seen taking
advantage of this opportunity, it's not that big a matter,
I have my own principles and I know what's good and what's bad .
My C-o-Ws do have their meals at the canteen though.
Some of them purposely stay until 8-00 something to have free dinner.
Clever them....heh...
9-00 - 12-00 pm: Daily site inspection, meetings etc,
I usually do one round of inspection but if they call for more,
it will only be such a short affair.
12-00 - 1-30 pm: Lunch hour is from 12 noon - 1-00 pm
but I don't usually follow that schedule. I go out at 12-30 pm,
have lunch,
buy The Malay Mail, say my Zohor and
if time permits, I do some other personal things like sending
my car for service for example.
1-30 - 5-30 pm: Site inspections and doing some paperworks.
I'm still using my own laptop, printer and handphone,
if I were to wait for them to supply me then it'll be too late.
5-30 pm: Leave for USJ Subang Jaya, unless they, the Contractors call
for other inspections.
6-30 pm: Reach the other office (the Brokerage House),
if it's closed then I'll go for something light to eat,
say my Maghrib at the mosque and
wait for Haniff to arrive at 8-00 pm. If Zainal S or/and Hashim
is/are around, I'll go for dinner with them, set up my laptop and
surf some trading-related websites. By 8-30 pm everything is in order,
the rest of the Traders arrive at about 9-00 pm. We usually go
for drinks at 11-00 am, it all depends, sometimes market moves
drastically in the first half an hour, sometimes it just plays
sideways until closing.
1-45 am: Leave for Shah Alam.
2-15 am: ZZZZZZZ......
-----------------
By the way:
1. I've been taking lots of vitamins the last few days.
2. I haven't called Rozita for more than a week now, rang her
up yesterday but the phone was not answered.
3. I used to read one surah a day (about 7-10 pages) but
I hardly find time to read Quran anymore. I know this is a lame excuse so I'll make sure
to read a few ayats a day now that I'm telling this to
the whole world (as if the whole world is listening). It's already July and
I'm only halfway to khatam.
4. I only sleep 4 hours a day, is that good for me? I used to sleep
10 8 hours a day.
5. I don't really have time to think anymore, not even to think how stupid (?) I was/am to
do 2 stressful jobs a day.
6. They want to see me doing 9 to 5 job, they
should be happy now. I'm happy to know that they are happy. Balls.
7. I'm a strong guy (mentally, not physically) and I think
I can survive. I think.
Tuesday 11/7
4-00 pm:
I'm not feeling too good today, simply because I lost more than
RM 4000-00 last night trading coffee. And because of other things too. Caught
in a very heavy traffic jam this morning, all the way from Subang Batu 3 toll plaza to KL was another.
Didn't do lots of inspection today, just did a few rounds in the afternoon.
Ok, yesterday I left for Subang Jaya office at 5-15 pm, Zainal S was there playing computer game. We talked about that so-called boardroom tussle in which he explained everything. I was not that surprise to hear what he had to say but I did give my opinions. After all we are friends, and our goal is to make money. That's all.
London LIFFE was trading lower at that time, just before end of morning session, there was this news about chance of frost in coffee growing areas in Brazil this weekend. And the price jumped by 13 points. I was a bit excited and quickly rang Halim, Bob,Kak Siti and Haji Hashim up. I also paged Abang Wan with a message Frost alert! High potential
of frost in Brazil this weekend - Zainal.
New York CSCE gapped up by 3.60 point and started to climb, I placed my buy order at 85.30 but got filled at 89.30 with spread of 1.00 point. It didn't go any further and started to fill the gap at the opening. I had no choise other than to liquidate my podition with a loss of 1.05 points. Haji Hashim and Bob liquidated their positions too.
Went for drinks with Bob, Halim, Kak Siti and Haji Hashim afterwards, we discussed about our Plan B, just incase the management decide to cease operation, our accounts are at stake now.
Just before closing time, Zainal S called for a meeting, he explained the things he had to explain. It became a bit tense too - Zainal S
couldn't stand being cornered. Obviously.
I only reached home at 3-10 am - I did not hear my alarm clock ringing this morning, woke up just before seven and quickly had a shower and logged on to the internet to read news and reviews of market performance.
Traffic was so damn heavy this morning, there was an accident near Motorola and many people slowed down their vehicles to get a closer look. Very typical Malaysian drivers I must say.
Had breakfast with Kamal (hint: handle with care...*LOL*..) and we chatted quite a bit, it was a bit tricky but I think I managed to send my message across.
Spent the rest of the afternoon at Block A, 8th Floor, steel
reinforcement to slab and beams.
Followed David (Mechanical &
Electrical C-o-W) doing some checkings to a few units of one
of the zones to be concreted today. He will be on leave
this coming Thursday and I'll cover him for inspection at
Block B. Hope I won't make any mistakes.
later...
----------------------
Mie called up (when I was driving home) asking me procedures to open an account to trade commodity. Asked him to meet me in Shah Alam
tonight before I leave for the office.
Logged on to the internet and printed some reports, the 4 weather agencies (INMET, Somar, GWS and Cropcast) gave details of weather forecast in coffee areas up to this weekend. The only report that gave a slightly neutral and bearsih outlook was from one meterologist from Solomon
Smith Barney, the same guy that made me poorer by a few thousand ringgits a few months ago. I remember it well, coffee was trading higher that day and there was this report about weather forecast calling for continous rain during flowering season. And market reacted to it, it plunged like a stone only to recover the very next day.
Mie arrived at 7-30 when I was about to leave for work. He gave me an envelope containing RM 30,000 asking me to open an account for him. I was a bit stunned, I mean, this guy knows nothing about trading. Promised to see him again later next week, to explain details on how the systems work. By 8-30 pm, everything was in order, received the bank-in slip thru' fax from Singapore office giving me greenlight to trade with the money I just deposited.
Prices on CSCE Exchange gapped slightly higher but did not retrace,
it started to climb after lunch hour (New York time) and rallied
by 7.5 %, about 8.00 points. That was a massive jump, unfortunately,
we did not do anything, we just watched the screen with total
disbelief. Cursing ourselves for not taking the opportunity.
Yesterday was a mistake, today we did another, hope we won't do the
same mistake again tomorrow.
I could have made USD 5000-00 if I did not liquidate my position last night. Arrgghhh!....
We had a small discussion later and everyone agreed to our Plan B,
to open up a new brokerage house where all of us will be
the shareholders. That means we will be moving out to a new building, somewhere in Subang Jaya too. Our accounts are at stake now, I think we can manage the new company professionaly. After all, we are matured Traders and we know a lot more than they (Zainal S, Halim and Teoh) do.
We need that sense of belonging too.
Told them that I have no money
(RM 10,000 each for up to 10 Traders/Brokers) but they
agreed to have my name on the list as one of the owners of the company.
Renovation works to start soon and we hope to move in by 1 st
August. Abang Miza and Kak Zainab will be in Singapore to seal
the contract with our main principal, UniCapital Inc.
Haji Hashim and Kak Siti are the 2 main people behind this
while me, Halim, Yati, Din, Bob and Abang Wan (and Kak Anis) are just giving our moral support for the time being. We have other commitments.
Tak taulah, mungkin aku boleh offer diri aku jadi part-time security guard...heh..
Wednesday 12/7
Morning was such a breeze, I'm still amaze with myself.....with
less than 4 hours of sleep daily I don't find it difficult to wake up
at 6-30 am anymore. At work, when I feel a bit sleepy I'll
go climb Level 10 or down to a few floors below to the car park area
and in a day I make at least four inspections a day.
The buildings are getting higher and higher and the Contractor
have yet to install temporary lift/ passenger hoist.
To Citibank during lunch hour to pay my Visa and Mastercard bills,
parked my car at Pantai Dalam train station and from Dayabumi I
just walked all the way to the bank at Jalan Ampang. Then took a cab
to Pantai Dalam. Actually I wanted to go to Hong Leong Finance to settle my car loan but I forgot to tell the driver.
later...
Price actions both on New York CSCE and London LIFFE puzzled us, London LIFFE was called to
open USD 65-00 higher but instead it just gapped up by USD 13-00, climbed to USD 870-00 in about
2 minutes and collapsed to USD 850-00/MT during morning
session.
New York CSCE gapped lower by 90 points (0.9 cent) and climbed
to USD 94.20, slightly below yesterday's high. Then it went south slowly but gradually,
it broke yesterday's low and touched sell stops below USD 0.92. It played within inside day price and
closed lower but within 50 % retracement. Chance of frost on Thursday was about 80 % (according to Somar and INMET) but temperature will turn slightly warmer Saturday and Sunday (by 1 to 2 deg Celcius). Second air mass to hit parts of coffee growing region in Parana Monday morning. Minais Gerais was said to be unaffected by frost. That was somewhat neutral but price did not close higher. Fund managers
are heavily shorts and yet the actions tonight showed us otherwise.
Obviously market knows something we Traders don't......
Thursday 13/7
Spent the whole morning, up to lunch hour, at Block B.
Inspection to Floor 11, Zone B, replacing David
(M & E Supervisor). It was good actually, I
learned something new today, some electrical & mechanical stuff.
Gave them greenlight to proceed with concreting works at 1-00 pm.
Was dead tired, did not even go out for lunch, said
my Zohor at the office, heck, my
second day not reading Quran
(Zohor usually is the only time where I get the chance to read Quran).