Life Of A Typical Malay - June 2000

Friday 23/6

I was to ring Rozita tonight, she will be gone all weekend. Why didn't I do that? She made it a point to say she would be gone!

I think I need to be buried so that I would grow!

Saturday 24/6

What a strange day, as if everyday isn't strange enough, always filled with routine shit that makes you wonder what ass ever thought up such a daft existence. Sometimes routine shit is all there is between me and the void. I've been trying to come up with distractions, but they just won't do.

Seriously, I go through everyday having as grand a time as I can, but occasionally, it hits me: I am miserable deep down. I should be doing more. After all these years, I should be able to make at least double what I currently make a year. I am not overly concerned with money, per say, as much as I am concerned with creating my own cave, that one place that no one but Rozita is allowed unless she says so .

There are many things I miss and long for since I have been home. I ignore such stuff in my daily life because I prefer to focus on nothing. I guess you could say i am unhappy,. But am I? Who knows. It all seems like some bad play that will never end. I may sound unhappy, but am I? Or am I, but I just cannot deal with that thought.

A few months ago, a good friend of mine called me up. He said, "Zainal, I am worried, I have no worry." . I said to him, 'but Din, you have problem over not have problem. That has to count." He laughed and said I was right.

I am miserable inside, but I prefer to cancel out my thoughts. I cannot help but wonder if it is good to focus on thinking my way to some place else or if I should worry about what I worry about at my life. Heck, that makes no sense.

All I know is that either I have no list of changes or everything under the sun needs to be changed. Of course there is one thing that i don't want to change, and that is what causes the sun to shine out of my behind.

Or maybe a good ego loss is what I need. I haven't purged in a least a month or two, and I realize I need it daily. Usually I console myself with the thought that I am all alone and that I am all that I have in this world. When the shit hits the fan, this is what I remind myself. Usually this allows me to do foolhardy things like, well...erm... But sometimes it makes me miserable. It's been making me miserable lately. Is this all there is? And then I cancel my thoughts too: all of these things that I do during the day, they're all distractions. When I'm alone I'm unable to ignore that fact. I can lose my ego whining, but I haven't done that in awhile. Driving my car on a nice evening, I can lose myself, but every night when I get home I think, "shall I go for a another spin?" and I tell myself no. The thing is, ego loss can only come about for me without my planning it in advance, and it's always temporary -- an hour or two.

"Tonight I shall have an ego loss." Doesn't quite work.

Sunday 25/6

I hang on so tightly to everything. I hate to give anything up. I am the original champion of lost causes. It must be a gene or something. I can't figure out why I feel I must hold on so tightly to things which should be just left.

A long time ago I stood in an empty place in the deepest part of the night with tears streaming down my face, my arms raised, my hands clenched into fists and tried over and over to let something go. I thought by opening my fists I could release the thing that was tormenting me. No big surprise, it didn't work.

I still try to do that, though. Even knowing it won't work, that it doesn't help, still I try. It's the best thing I've come up with so far. I can't turn and just walk away from anything. Love, pain, memories, people, places, things, I can't just leave them. I must constantly consciously work at letting them go.

The night has passed and left me sitting here trying to get rid of something, yet it is still with me. Someone once tried to pretty it up and said that I can't get over things until I really work them out, so that once dead, the thing stays dead. That person should talk to all my personal ghosts, for they continue to chase me almost every night.

I like to imagine that when I die I will become privy to all the secrets of the universe, and these things that I hold while trying to let go will be explained.

I doubt it, though.

I just wish i could sleep, close my eyes and drift off into nothingness..........

Monday 26/6

I promise today will be the last time I write craps like this:

because

my heart needs to ask if I am remembering to be gentle with myself. Am I remembering at all times to honor and respect who I am? And am I remembering to honor and learn from my times of anxiety, discomfort and suffering?

I'm reminding myself about this because I've needed to remind myself. Sounds confusing? I have had a very difficult time this year. I've suffered repeated periods of depression, where I despaired of ever living in higher consciousness. There were many days when I could do nothing but whine. On those days when I was able to work, I sometimes felt like a fraud. There I was, reminding myself to attain higher consciousness, while I was struggling with resistance and darkness.

The fact that I still experience depression and fear and self-contempt does not negate the dramatic changes that have occurred in my life. And I want to share with you the tools that are working so well for me. No, my problems did not lie with my depression or my credibility on the job. My problems arose from my judgments.

I am increasingly aware of how much I judge myself. I found myself judging that my depression was a sign of weakness, that I was not worthy to be sharing my experiences with you, that real teachers have it all figured out. A part of me thinks that I'm not there yet. My life is not yet unfolding as it should. In other words, I'm not good enough yet--I'm not okay as I am.

I think I may also harbor a fantasy that I will reach a point where struggles will disappear, or at least become more manageable. I will somehow be more in control. The world can swirl in chaos around me but I will be calm and centered and wise. Part of me wants to believe that and judges that I'm inadequate because I'm not there. But the wise part of me says, "Don't kid yourself." I know from experience that spiritual growth can be hard, painful work. We don't get anywhere if we aren't willing to sit with our depression, our anger, our fear, our frustrations and insanity. If we aren't willing to move out of our comfort zone and actively work with our discomfort, we don't change. We aren't challenging our ego, our limited perspectives of life. We aren't learning the lessons we are here to learn.

Our discomfort or suffering, whatever form it takes, invites us to open to a new dimension of ourselves. We can be confident that our soul or the divine is orchestrating the whole painful mess for our benefit. With awareness, we may move through our problems more quickly. But let's not kid ourselves that this ever gets easy.

So when we're wrestling with the challenges of our lives, let's applaud our courage for doing so. Let's accept ourselves and the details of our lives for what they are: the gifts of the divine. Let's wake up to our own worth and beauty.
Tuesday 27/6
Coffee has been rather drab, mundane routine that never seems to go up. It has been downtrending since God-knows how many months, with only a few corrections to the upward. I'm pretty scared to go short at this winter season, just don't want to get caught with my pants down. Maybe I'll just wait until winter season's over then I'll decide my next entry positions. With Indonesia not likely to join that retention scheme approved by ACPC Meeting in London, looks like Vietnam and a few other countries will follow suit. That leaves Brazil biting the bullet because they are the only country that just started retaining 20% of their coffee export. Others will start in October 2000, or maybe the scheme will be abandoned all together. Very likely.

I find myself in an interesting state of mind. When I am a bull, I watch, I wait, I listen, I read, I sigh, and so on.

But as a bear, I actually look forward to and enjoy the action much more! Why is that? Is destruction and demise so much more thrilling? It's like watching a fire, it burns and consumes until there is nothing left, the greater the roar the better!!! But the building of the pyre is not that motivational. Lighting the match is a joy....
Wednesday 28/6
Was at Setiawangsa this afternoon, had an appointment with the Managing Directors of the Developer firm at 11-00. It was suppossed to be last Monday but he was out of the country. Reached the office at 10-30 am and chatted with the receptionist for about 10 minutes or so.

I was really at ease talking to the 2 MDs, they seemed very nice and I did a lot of talking. And from the corners of my eyes I could see one of them (he sat beside me, the other was infront of me) nodding his head repeatedly. We "chatted" for nearly 2 hours, and at the end I said Ok, I'll accept the offer.

You know what, there are 2 things that really caught my attention, said one of them.

And I was like, Excuse me?

No, first, your CV looks beautiful with all those big projects like Kraftangan Center, KL International Airport and Proton City projects. Besides, you speak a few other languages and you like to do some other things some people not able to do, he answered. Like what, Sir? I was a bit curious. You taught at ITM on a part-time basis, right? You are very much on the internet, and you even have your own website. Not many Engineers are connected to the internet, and I started to blush.

Well, you see, that's the reason why I'm still single, and we laughed.

Well, actually, I've never seen such an honest person like you, I've interviewed so many people before but you are, honestly, quite different. I can tell by the way you talk, your expression and your .....

What were you saying again, Sir? I cut him short.

So, I will start working for that Condominium project (Pantai Hillpark) next Monday. The salary they offered me, well, not too bad either, RM 9000-00 a month (inclusive), much lower then my last drawn salary but who am I to complain? I should thank my lucky star instead.

Thank God, CSCE will be closed Monday and Tuesday for Independence Day, July 4th holidays.

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I nearly collided with a Mazda Lantis on the way home this evening, and it was driven by Hans Isaac, the actor. He just said, sorry, that was close, wasn't it? when I got out from my car.

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It rained cats and dogs the moment I reached Shah Alam, took a quick nap and woke up at 5-00 pm . Something wrong with my telephone, I failed to log on to the internet after a few times trying. It just went dead.

Drove to En Ngah's office but he was not in so I decided to go straight to my office in Subang Jaya. Zainal, Hashim and their friend Hazhim were there. Had a quick meals and chatted with them a bit. They were talking about marketing some products imported from Indonesia when I said, why don't you make a simple webpage and market it through the internet. It's much more effective that way. I agreed to design a page for them, just a simple one, and promised to have it ready by this weekend.

Thursday 29/6
I don't know if I can keep up with this journal now that I'll be doing 2 jobs a day. A Resident Enginner by day and a Commdity Trader by night. Such a huge undertaking I must say.

I would say that I've had a wonderful time here, (no, I'm not leaving yet!) and for the most part I have. Yet I fear that I have done something foolish. You see, I know that at some point I'm bound to say or do something that will piss someone off, so I constantly analyze what I have done and what type of feedback I receive. When the feedback I receive seems wrong, I blame myself, for surely it is my fault. It is always my fault. I have accepted this.

So now I shall sit here in my cyber existance and mourn, my soul screaming through the optic cables of the world that is mine. I understand not what has happened, nor can I question it. I will never understand. Perhaps I shall travel this world alone for some time, with only my friends for consolance. Such is the way of things.

So many places I've been, so many things I've seen. Each day brings new promises and adventures abound. Goodbye, my heart, my desire, for though we are together, we are also apart. So myself I must humble, tear down to the base of who I am, to rebuild again.

I guess the reason why I'm taking this job offer is because I want to do different things for awhile so that I can think. I know I will discover many things and have a closer look at my life. I shall take the days one at a time and see what happens.

Friday 30/6
Spent the whole afternoon at (U)ITM Faculty Of Engineering site office, chatted with Ghaz, my former Clerk-of-Work/Supervisor. He's working there as an Assistant Resident Engineer, building a few blocks of lecture theatres, administration buildings etc. The project will last for another 4 years or so.

Left for the office a bit late than usual, said my Maghrib at Section 9. Market was a bit active during first hour of trading then started to play sideways until 12-00 am. Not many Traders turned up tonight, Bob was getting ready for his fishing trip tomorrow. Decided to call it a day at 12-30 am, Halim, Kak Siti, Abang Wan, Haji Hashim, Kak Zainab and Abang Miza did the same too.

Promised Zainal and Hashim to have the website ready by early next week, asked them to take a few photos of the product using my digital camera. And I couldn't stop myself from giggling when I checked the camera just before I left. Nude photos. Plenty of them. Yeah, photos taken from adult magazines I presumed. I forgot to teach them how to use the erase button. But I'm just going to keep quiet, don't want to embarass them with my finding. Decided t go to KL for a spin, tried calling Kumar on his handphone but coudn't get through. Didn't see any familiar faces at Estana so I drove home after chatting for about 10 minutes with Yusuf and Karim, the 2 Bangladeshi waiters.

Oh, I'm seeing Merchant Of Venice tomorrow night...



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