Life Of A Typical Malay - June 2000

Monday 19/6

I have often whined about how much my life is controlled by my unconscious beliefs, attitudes and repressed patterns. So the question arises: if many of my beliefs are unconscious and therefore invisible to me, how do I know what they are?

Well, I have also said that my thoughts create my world, and therein lies the answer to this question. My world mirrors my believe back to me. The invisible, repressed programs that control my life become visible to me through my life experiences. I believe each of us projects our unconscious shadows, fears, wounding and life challenges onto other people and things.

We get clues about our unconscious programming if we watch our reactions, responses, feelings and thoughts about other people and events. I often ask myself these questions. How do I judge or stereotype people? What pushes my buttons? What makes me angry or fearful or sad? The outer incidents that trigger these reactions in me simply mirror my beliefs. If I didn't have programs around the issues that upset me, where would my reactions come from? If I didn't have some internal reference, I wouldn't react at all.

I react to my own shadows when I kick the door or lash out at my friends. I need to look inside myself when I chastise the scapegoat at work.

I need to connect with my inner shadow. I have no business flinging it at others and trying to palm off my awkward and unwanted feelings. As I try to exchange my shadow with others in the intricacy of our lives, we rob each other of our potential wholeness.

So who is going to break the loop? When do I stop justifying my own limitations? What can I do about it? It's time to make my stand and say "The buck stops here!" If I get angry at something outside of me, I'm going to look inside for the source. Stay grounded. Stay aware. Stay detached. Stay accountable. If I have problems with something on the outside, they are my problems, and I am the one who needs to resolve them.

And here's the magic of it--when I resolve my own problems inside, the ones outside simply disappear! Once I release the "greed" program by substituting an abundance program in its place, I will be free.

* * * * * * * *

On a note so serious note....this is getting hillarious (?), I received another web message from that disgusted reader aka plain stupid. It goes like this:

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Sender IP:202.188.27.191
Sender Name: plain stupid
Subject: From Your Web Page

u''re right. i''m just another stupid, no-life-son-of-a-bitch..like u :) and yes, i did bookmarked ur url. why? 1). coz i have no life, remember? 2). coz i keep coming back to read ur journal, to see how long i could stand ur over-blown ego. who am i to judge? well..u should''ve expected cases like this would happen when u put up an online journal. plain stupid me eh? yeah well...couldnt

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heh.. too bad I missed the whole sentence. Yeah, I'm right because I'm not just another stupid, no-life-son-of-a-ooppsss like you. Heh....I know you are here to stay...*LOL*...how many times do I have to tell you all of me is beautiful, even the disgusting and the stupid parts?...*LOL*...By the way, when are you going to build me a shrine?...*LOL*...

Signing off, laughing..... ..

heh...

aku rasa aku tau dah balau mana tu, tengah nak kumpul dia punya maklumat, sajalah bagi dia datang sini hari-hari, lagi banyak info aku dapat.syok jugak macam ni, ..heh..

Tuesday 20/6

First I have to thank you guys for taking your precious time sending me email condolences (*LOL*). I received 24 emails today, that's quite a record. I need ego booster like that!..*LOL*.. This is one of the mails I received, I can't just publish all mails, this is my journal, tolong sikit!...heh..

Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000 17:32:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: (email deleted)
Subject: Hi!
To: toomany@rocketmail.com

Zainal,

It's been a long time since I had the time to check your journal entries, but I just did today and my oh my dah ramai peminat rupanya you nie! hehehe Sorry, just kidding there. But seriously, in my opinion you shouldn't care what other people think or say or do. Let them say whatever they want to say. Words can't hurt you. What's more important is that there are other readers who appreciate what you are doing.

Maybe some of them even respect you as a person, look up to you and stuff. This group of reader is more important, Zainal, not the one who insulted you. He/They is/are just trying to make you feel bad. Shame on him/them! Believe me, memang banyak orang yang berminda rendah macam tu kat dunia ni.

But it's up to us whether or not to fall for the game they have in mind. They love it when you responds, Zainal. They think it's amusing because it will make you look bad to your other readers (by responding nastily to their insults).

And forgive me for saying this, but honestly I think you are beginning to sound like them. Sorry again. I know you are someone with dignity, so don't waste your time melayan orang-orang yang gila semua tu. They will stop once they get bored if you just simply ignore them. Buang masa you je melayan mereka tu, you layan I lagi berfaedah. hehehehe jk

You dah bertunang ye? Congratulations then. So when is the big day? Make sure you post your wedding pic for us on your homepage hehehe

Well I think that's all for now. I'll be checking your journal more often now, to see if you're still making a fool out of yourself by melayan si..what's his name again? plain stupid reader? sheesh some people! There's a saying but I forgot how it goes..hmmm maybe like this, "Argue with a fool and you'll become one." Something like thatlah. Anyway, take care and all the best.

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Well, Thank God I survive the attack, albeit with a slightly-bruised ego.

Since trading was a bit dull last night, I spent the hour tracking the referrer list on my hit counter. I was a bit shocked to see lbn-27-111.tm.net.my after lbn-27-111.tm.net.my on the list and was like, God, I can't believe Nemesis is doing this to me. (Nemesis is one of regular readers of this journal). First I thought the messages must have come from a Mat Salleh, until I received a mail from a guy (?) who claimed to be the sender. Here goes the email:

From: (name & email deleted)
To: bdq71@yahoo.com
CC: toomany@rocketmail.com
Subject: the plain stupid me
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 13:04:05 MYT

like i said, i dont mind revealing my identity if u are interested to have a man-to-man talk. i know it was a bit unfair coz i launched my attacks anonymously, so here i am now. true, i've been a li'l harsh...calling u a son-of-a-bitch, (it hurts, mak aku tak pernah panggil aku macam tu..- Zainal) but u never asked why i did all that, did u? as usual ure too involved with ur own self that u dont care abt anything else. ure too busy feeding ur over-blown ego.

nak tau kenapa aku cakap macam tu? sebenarnya aku tak suka cara kau bila kau tulis pasal pertunangan kau. when u started telling the whole world as if that lady doesn't mean a thing to u. kau macam endah tak endah je, macam nak tak nak je. have u ever thought how'd she feels in case she finds out abt it? aku kesian le dengan tunang kau tu.

sebagai lelaki aku faham perasaan kau..maybe kau ni masih tak puas hidup bujang, masih tak ready utk berkeluarga, belum ready nak pikul tanggungjawab yg berat tapi sebab aku lelakilah yg aku tak paham sangat-sangat kenapa kau boleh anggap perempuan itu satu pemusnah kebahagiaan kau.

and a gentleman wouldn't broadcast that to the whole world! i dont know, maybe u find some kind of satisfaction when u do that. but i still believe that ur fiance deserves more than that. poor girl, i must say.

so thats it. contrary to what u might think of me, i am not a coward son-of-a-bitch who hides behind that web pager of urs just so i could say all that crap. no, i was just checking to see if ure a sensitive guy u claim to be. and i guess u were, since u couldnt ignore me and my msgs :) hope u can be more sensitive when it comes to ur fiance's feeling. thats all i have to say for now and i apologize for my kurang ajar manners. sometimes u've got to get one's attention first in order to be heard.

assalamualaikum.

I replied to his mail, explaining the whole thing. Well, almost. I don't really remember what I wrote though but judging from his email, obviously he only read a small section of my journal. And that was the problem.

He replied a few hours later:

assalamualaikum
no, i am not Nemesis but yes, i do know her. know her very well as a matter of fact, she's a good friend of mine and she's the one who told me abt ur homepage in the first place. she said urs is one of the few malaysian personal homepages thats worth a look and so i did. and i must say i agree with her,(thanks but you're a little late, I'm already torn - Zainal) until that topic abt ur engagement came out.

i tried not to judge or "get too involved" with the whole thing, but i can't. maybe itulah padahnya bila kita ni terlalu sensitive but believe me, i've got my own personal reasons why ur story seems to catch my attention. something to do with my past, but thats another story.

and like i said, getting reader's reactions and feedbacks is one of the price u have to pay when u put up an online journal. maybe u are not used to get something violent like mine but ill quote u on this, "everybody has their own way of getting attention, and this is mine." :)

i will write again. later tonight maybe after u update ur journal. sometimes it cracks me up when i read our "assaults" to each other, makes me feel like a kid again but hey, they said there's a li'l boy inside of every man.

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....and I rest my case....

sebenarnya aku ada lagi nak...., ooppsss...oklah, oklah...nak tergelak pulak aku, kadang-kadang tu aku rasa journal ni dah jadi macam cerita keling pulak. Di India, kalau hero dia buat benda tak baik sikit (sedangkan diaorang tak tahu tujuan baik hero tu) atapun hero dia mati, penonton jadi marah sampai bakar panggung. So, since aku hero kat sini, aku kenalah buat perangai elok sikit.

Actually I wanted to write about my phone conversation with Rozita (that poor little tunang of mine... bila pulak aku bertunang ni?, aku hantar cincin tu adalah...) but this entry has become so loooong I better stop now, maybe tomorrow...

Namaste,

Shah Rukh Khan

Thursday 22/6

Sorry, I was away filming a new movie,...heh.., it's called Keh Keh Hotak Hang. And for the very first time aku jadi crook, jangan bakar panggung dahlah nanti...LOL..

I was a bit tired last night so I went to bed a little bit early, about 4-00 am and when I woke up for Subuh (6-30 am) my laptop was still on and there were news everywhere:

Outlying Parana, Brazil coffee regions see frost threat Thursday

Sao Paulo--June 21--There is a risk of frost in outlying parts of the Parana state coffee-growing region on Thursday morning, the Parana State Agronomic Institute (IAPAR) said Wednesday. Rain is forecast in the state's main coffee regions on Thursday morning. (Story .21935)

And I was like, "what? this is too good to be true" and started checking other sites and I managed to post a message on commodity forum which in no time at all became a runaway thread. Bravo Zainarldo (Zainarldo is my handle on commodity forum message board, sounds a bit Brazilian because I trade Brazilian Arabica coffee)

A few weather sites also showed a weak polar a mass coming from Argentina, reaching south of Brazil, hovering over Parana and Minais Gerais states, 2 biggest coffee producing states.

Tried in vain calling Bob to convey the news but he was still in bed, his phone was offed. Rushed to En Ngah's Delapan Cafe and ordered some kueh (local delicacies) to bring to the office tonight. Yesterday Halim brought some cakes, fruits and drinks and I promised them to bring something tonight.

Took a quick nap after Zohor without logging off. Sometimes it takes ages to log on to bridge channel.

Woke up just when London Exchange LIFFE was about to open, rushed to Restaurant Azira and had Nasi Ayam tapaued. LIFFE was called to open $20 - 40 higher, but instead it opened unchanged. Strange! It went south, slowly and within 30 mins or so it recorded active-contract low of $875/MT. That puzzled me a little but after checking maps of coffee growing regions I realized that Robusta coffee is not planted in Parana and Minais Gerais coffee belts.

Good, that was the reason why prices didn't go up, stupid me!

Arrived at USJ mosque at 7-30 pm, Maghrib congregation has already ended. Just when I was about to say my prayer, someone patted me on the shoulder. Jadi Imam aku malam Jumaat ni rupanya. Did I do any mistakes?, I asked one of them (about 20 people) after saying doa.No, you did quite alright. A little bit slow though, answered one of them.

Managed to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (NTV7) while setting up my laptop and stuff. How easy it is to be a millionaire, and how difficult it is to answer simple questions.

Another news at 8-45 pm had us a bit disappointed:

Brazil's Minas Gerais and Parana coffee regions seen unaffected by frost

Sao Paulo--June 22--Coffee producers in the south of Brazil's Minas Gerais state said there had been no damage to coffee trees from frost Thursday morning. Most cooperatives in the region told BridgeNews that there had been no frost. The exception was the Pocos de Caldas cooperative which had a light frost, but said crops had suffered no damage. (Story .13453)

Anyway, coffee gapped up and had a small rally, short coverings by fund managers and small speculators I guess. It lost steam and went sideways until closing, higher by 200 points then yesterday.

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Ok, now back to our phone conversation. Well, nothing much really, just my routine call to Rozita, we spend about an hour or so on the phone daily, just to get to know each other better. I'm still on Chapter 2 of Love For Dummies..*LOL*.. She hasn't started reading it yet, or maybe she has, I don't know. How do I find out? Becuase that's on Chapter 10! ... Rozita teaches in Johor by the way, she will have to move here (Shah Alam) when we get married. Oh yeah, I'm thinking of accepting that job offer and I may have to move to KL, I hate driving thru' Federal Highway and I want, if possible, to stay as close as possible (hey, berapa banyak "possible" da?) near my work place. Pantai Hillpark Condo Phase 2 has panoramic view, that sounds kewl. I can't afford to drive home (Shah Alam) at 3-30 am after trading hours only to drive to KL again about 3 hours later. So, looks like Shah Alam will be my weekend home then.

More about that soon, it's not yet confirmed though. The company did call me a few times but I have yet to say yes, I want to see the contract first. There's no point of saying yes now only to regret it later.



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