Life Of A Typical Malay - June 2000
Tuesday 6/6
I was about to go to sleep for
the second time this morning when Bob called up. (Woke up at 9-am after less than 2 hours sleep).
Ok, give me half an hour and I'll see you there.
He was already at The Baker's Cottage
, Section 9 when I arrived about 40 minutes later.
We had nice American breakfast, he picked up the tab. Told him about that job offer,
he adviced me to think carefully.
If you can handle doing
2 different works then
by all means accept it. But remember, although you don't trade everyday but
the amount of research you have to do can drain you.
Yeah, I know that. I'm quite comfortable with the present arrangement,
I only enter positions when I really feel confident. Maybe once, or twice
a week. And that's the reason why I think I can afford to do other things,
you know, just to broaden my horizon, go back to construction line.
I'm getting married soon and *many people* wants to see doing 9 to 5 job,
if you know what I mean.
I understand perfectly what your problem is.
We live in a very sick society. Don't they know that commodity trading is a job too? You are doing well, just keep it up.
I stopped blaming the society looooong time ago, heh...and
I never blamed myself either. Anyway, I'm still learning, who knows maybe I'll be trading online one day. I'm not going to rush into things but I see its potential, this commodity trading. And about that job offer, if it fits me I may consider taking it up. If not, too bad.
Wednesday 7/6
Left for Taman Setiawangsa at about noon, never been there before, quite a posh
residential area. It wasn't that difficult to locate the office but to find a parking spot
was a headache. Spent more than 30 mins driving from one end to the other,
parked my car at the mosque compound instead and just walked to the office.
Much more easier that way.
Actually, the company is not an Engineering Consultant firm but a Developer. I was
given a brief description about the project,
and was interviewed by the Project Manager about 20 minutes later.
We had a very nice conversation, he was more interested in what
I am doing now, and asked me lots and lots of question about
KLIA and Proton City projects. Well,
it wasn't an interview really, it was more like "getting to know you" stuff.
In the end I didn't think about the discussion at all and was
reasonably calm and collected.
I think I did all right, I was able to answer all
the questions put to me, but did have one
blank moment. The only problem is that the project has
already started, up to 7th floor.
I merely said, I'll think about
it.
My fingers
are still crossed. If nothing else, I certainly looked the part
in my new shirt and tie.
I don't normally wear ties but I thought I would make an effort today.
Thursday 8/6
Coffee is such a bore these few days, it goes up one day only to turn south the very next day. No power to go to either extreme. Good thing is that I now have times to look at other counters, cotton, silver, corn etc, I know one fine day in a not distant future I'll be trading these commodities.
We have been spending time reading mags, newspapers, gossipping and having good laughs. I truly enjoy being with traders like Bob, Abang Wan, Halim, Kak Siti, Haji Hashim etc. I'm sure they like having me around too.
I know that my friends value me, as I value them.
Yet still I feel incomplete, falling short of everything expected
of me by others, including myself. One might say that I am the
center of my universe, my perspective. Yet I find this to not be
true. At one point it was, but I keep reforming the universe to
revolve around those whom are closest to me. They are my moons,
as they support me, changing the emotion tides of my being.
Mostly, they are my sun, warming my heart, giving me life,
and holding a gravity that I and my universe revolve around.
How can I change it? The very meaning behind it dictates that
I cannot change it, lest it cause harm, hurt the center of my being.
Friday 9/6
I am rambling, again.
[You expect a description of my diary, well I don't know.
I am like doing a million things at once in my life right
now and I have been living like this for like 12 months or
something and I am having a hard time in actually plotting my
life's progress and I thought a diary would be a nice idea.
The people I know and work with are dead exciting and
I often get comments that my life is like a soap opera (with no commercials)
so why not let other people have peep at a life in progress,
yes, why not? ]
I must sleep before the emotions that
are building overwhelm me. There is nothing outside of my mind
that can know those emotions and associated thoughts.
No one would understand them and they might cause harm
as my logical side defines boundaries and closures.
To be continued tomorrow...
Saturday 10/6
...hmm...where was I?...
Oh, and I'm also extremely bored most of the time,
regardless of the fact that my life is exciting as hell.
And I have to deal with the fact that I have many conflicting
internal interests... you know, I want it all...
to be notorious and respected, admired and feared,
intelligent and stupid, hot and cold, happy and sad,
embraced and alone, rich and poor, satisfied and ambitious.
The nice thing is that I still can have anything that I want.
The bad thing is that I don't know what I really want,
and that I'm afraid that by the time I find out,
it'll be one of the things I can't have anymore.
But that's my problem, not yours.
By the way you've got nothing better do to than to read about
other people's lives? Sad sad. Me too..
All this stuff I've been dealing with lately that's been
tearing me apart inside are things that
I really can't deal with that I've always had about me.
Fear of the future is a big thing with me.
It used not to be but now all of a sudden the future matters.
One day I'm gonna get married and have kids. One day I'm gonna retire.
One day I'm gonna be an old fart and die. One day the
universe will run out of energy... and so on.
I fear all of this greatly. I like the way things are now,
but as much as I want change I really don't want to be changed.
Or have anything taken away from me.
I'm quite a spoiled person
and so far I think I've milked everything for what it's worth.
But I want more. How do I become content with just doing the
best I can day to day? How come I can't go to bed happy,
how come it's gotta be all about "what if I die in my sleep?"
Good night!
next
(Boyz 2 Men)