Life Of A Typical Malay - May 2000

Monday 29/5

Sat & Sun - I switched off my handphone, disconnected my touch phone, did not log on to the internet, did not switch on the telly (that was easy, watching tv was/is never part of my life really...). And I survived somehow.

Yeah. Sometimes I can be that selfish.

Tuesday 30/5

I don't know where to begin. Yeah, right!. These last few days have been busy with works that I have forgotten one important thing. How I feel. Now, I'm confused. I'm sad and angry at the same time and all I do is take it out on the world around me. God, help me!

I got into (almost) heated argument today with a friend at work (I'm not mentioning name) because I've just been annoyed with him lately. No good reasons, just good ol' fashioned argument.

The sad part is that I'm afraid to make up with him. I can stand him for a while and then it starts all over again. I just get so sick of dealing with him, and it's not him. It's 100% me, but I don't quite know what bothers me so much about him. What drives me to be so cold to him? His sarcastic remarks perhaps.

I preach about doing good, and I try my hardest, but an old friend once told me that there are just going to be people in life who you can't get along with. No helping that. So, I don't know what to make of this. But it doesn't stop there.

I explode at my other friends, instead of thinking of how they enjoy being with me , all I can see are their bad points, how they've hurt me, how I keep holding on to the past and I can't seem to let go of the fact that everyone makes mistakes and everyone has qualities about them that you just have to put up with. I don't even like admitting to myself that I can't seem to accept things with my friends.

Lately everything has been annoying me so much. Or maybe I've become hyper-sensitive now, I don't know. Well, I can take jokes, people can make fun of me. Up to a point.

I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll never figure out what's bothering me so much, what's been eating at me from the inside out. I do know this, if I can't figure this out soon, I'm going to lose some close friends of mine. After all, you can only take so much...

You know what, men have feelings too.

Wednesday 31/5

If someone were to ask me to describe my major challenge in life, I could probably come up with an answer. But would it be the best answer? Do I really know the source of the problems that repeatedly surface in my life?

I am such a complex, intelligent, habitual, reactive and mostly unconscious being. It takes considerable inner work and dedication to fathom what's going on inside of me. And yet the route to self-knowledge is the only path to fulfillment, happiness, love, and truth.

I can unravel the web of my existence by understanding and healing my fundamental life challenges, blocks and weaknesses. Doing this brings huge returns for me in energy, creativity, passion and life purpose.

But it can be a real challenge to identify the life challenges I need to heal. Because:

1. I don't really pay attention to myself. I tend to put more attention on the outer rather than the inner world. I also don't give priority to personal growth and so do not dedicate the disciplined, persistent, consistent time that's required for self-awareness. So committing to take the time to 'know thyself' is a key first step.

2. Defense mechanisms keep me unaware of my challenges. I have built up layers of armor that isolate my conscious mind from what lies underneath. I do so much to protect myself that I rarely experience my authentic, natural feelings. I keep my inner truth locked away.

3. I do not go deeply enough into my feelings to identify the underlying problem. I have not developed the tools and awareness to penetrate beneath my reactive emotions. Perhaps I'm afraid or perhaps just oblivious as to how to connect with my deepest experiences. I either haven't experienced the power of having meaning, purpose, awareness and connection, or else I've forgotten.

4. I lack clarity around my challenges. Most of my challenges are rooted in a few key wounds. Understanding the problem is half the battle to improving the situation. So it helps if I can identify the root source that spans a variety of problems. I have a fundamental character type and therefore have certain related strengths and weaknesses. These define the hurdles I need to overcome, how I cope and my direction in life.

The more clearly I can define my problem, the more clearly I will understand the solutions required and the more likely it is I will experience the changes I am seeking.

So I'm going to make the time and put in the energy and effort to understand the deeper levels of what troubles me. Everyone I know who has changed significantly gave high priority to making a difference in their lives.

And I bloody know I'm worth it.



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