Life Of A Typical Malay - May 2000

Monday 1/5

It's over. It's done. Now I can go on with the rest of my life.

Sound boring doesn't it?. But I know people love to hear about other peoples lives. I guess the main reason I set up this online journal is because it's a way I can get my true feels out which I never really do in real life and helps me offload all of feelings I keep bottled up inside.

Wednesday 3/5

Oh, what a night! What a night!

Coffee prices plunged and closed sharply lower on talks that ACPC meeting was postponed to May 19 from May 8-9. Heck, there goes our bullish news, the so-called potential-rally news.

I was so bullish I went long when the price dipped and started to go up. But it couldn't break the high of the day and to my horror, it turned south. I had no choice other than to cut loss my other long position @ 107.80 with 6.85 points loss. About USD 4000 plus commission etc.

The only consolation was that, I am now having long position at 101.25 versus short position at 106.65 for 5.4 points "floating profits".

If the market goes up I'll just let go my short with some profits and let my long be there. If it goes down I won't be doing anything, squeeze my balls but I'm not going to go short at this level. Darn cheap for a 60-kg bag of coffee.

Other bullish fundemantal news are still intact, Brazilian Government's revised coffee crop for 00-01, CoT report that shows funds are stil short etc. And with frost season approaching, only strong accounts can go short. Mine is not that strong so I better wait for the next leg up. Could be tomorrow, coud be Friday. Or even next week. I'm monitoring (very closely) weather pattern in South America now, temperature in Argentina is getting cooler and cooler. A very good sign, next will be Southern Brazil.

So, basically, my loss for the night was only 0.40 point, about USD 360-00. Not too bad considering the fact a few new traders lost almost 10 points each. Abang Wan, Kak Siti and Haji Hashim had to go short at last to cover their long positions. 4.00 points, about USD 2200-00 each. That doesn't affect them one bit, their accounts are big. That was the reason why I exited a bit too early, with 0.40 loss, my account is not as big as theirs. I have to protect my account, obviously. I can't afford to make too many mistakes.

Oh, Dow Jones and Nasdaq (as of writing this entry) plunge too, hmmm....KLSE is set to tumble looks like...

Thursday 4/5

I've been thinking quite a lot these few days, mostly about coffee and wedding stuff. That drains me and leaves me feeling empty and confused at the end of the day. I have no mood to jot down every single thing that keeps playing in my head.

But then again, I promise that my life won't be dominated by "coffee" and success and failure as defined by others.

It's my life, and I'll prioritise as I see fit. If I'd rather be here writing my diary than doing some research on coffee, then that's what I want to do. I do care about my work though - don't get me wrong, but through living honestly to myself, I feel I'm very close to achieving an inner peace that I would never had achieved a few years ago.

I love my journal. And I *love* you (no, that's not I LOVE YOU virus...*LOL*...) guys, you know me more than my parents do.

Friday 5/5

I had that dream once again last night. Well, this morning actually. So that makes it about the 3rd time in the past few months. I dreamt that I was talking to my deceased grandfather on the phone. It was so odd. It was a bit scary.

The phone would ring, I'd pick up and he would just start talking to me. First, I wouldn't know who it was, but then he'd say "Nal, this is Tok, your grandfather". Well, in my confused state, I'd think "but you died years ago, how can you be talking to me?" He'd tell me that he can talk to me, from where he is. Then I'd get a little more relaxed and start asking him how he is. I asked him if he was ok, and he said "yes, definitely". We just banter on with some more small talk and finally... I ask the big question:

"Tok, where are you? Can you tell me where you are and what it's like? Please tell me where you are."

Nothing but silence follows. In every dream when I ask this question, he never answers - ever. He'll skip this question and start making more small talk. It's like he can't answer that question, something is holding him back from divulging that information to me. And I want so desperately to know that answer.

Do you think dreams can be semi-real? I mean, that he is really talking to me in my sleep and that he can't tell me about the afterlife. Or is it the opposite, that dreams come only from my subconscious, how will my grandfather in my dreams, tell me about one?

You know when I'm dreaming those dreams and I get to the part where I ask him that question - it's like being on the verge of something unknowable. Like being on the verge of finding out the meaning of life. God, just one more moment and he will tell me the answer to it all. But nothing happens, and in the end the line between my grandfather and I is disconnected and I have to hang up.

But I still hope to dream again and maybe this time he'll answer my question.
Saturday 6/5
I could not connect to jaring after more than half an hour trying, and cursing, last night.

So I could not upload my entry, check my email, read coffee reports or a myriad of other things I need to do in order to complete my day. And now that the line is ok, I have nothing much to write..heh..

I will get over myself soon, I am sure, it's just that as more and more of my life becomes centered around technology ... I hate that a major portion of it can be thrown into chaos because a dog chewed through something or a tampon got caught in a transformer...*lol*..

Called up Sharif and off we went for roti canai at Syed Restaurant, Section 3. We talked commodity, he seemed very interested to learn this stuff online. Later that night we went to Encik Ngah's tahlil, chatted some more until midnight.
Sunday 7/5
Went to KL this afternoon, usual stuff, had lunch at Central Market etc. Then to Kota Raya Complex, spotted last December issue of .net magazine, yay. Walked to Citibank, Jalan Ampang and settled my Mastercard and Visa bills. To Standard Chartered Bank but forgot to bring my ATM card. Dang!

Left at 5-30 pm when it was about to rain. KL is a flash flood city, it pours for a good 20 mins and that's it. Missed the 5-45 pm train by a few seconds but that was ok. Managed to read the magazine while waiting for the next train.

Read the Dear Thelma (Auntie Agony) section in today's paper. There was this guy who complained about his love affair. He wrote something like, I'm a self-centered guy, I don't even care about her...blah blah blah...That was really a slap on my face, I mean, I *think* I'm a self-centered guy too, I don't give rat's ass about people around me. Simply because they don't care about me. So why should I? But that guilt feelings overpowered me, I cannot think about *me* all the time, now I have to think about *us*

I'm going to call Rozita, just to show that I care, in all my keselambaan. Hmm, maybe next week....



next (...and he hides the pain...)