Life Of A Typical Malay - April 2000

Friday 7/4

Eh, what's wrong with www.mail.yahoo.com? Is the site being hacked? I swear everytime I log on to the site (to check my e-mails) I will type www.mail.yahoo.com but something strange's happening today. Everytime I type that address, it will direct me to a page with this scary picture on it. I have to go to Yahoo portal (www.yahoo.com) to retrieve my emails now. Strange.



I don't feel like writing today really, and I don't think I will write tomorrow either. And the day after, too. I don't know why, one of those days I guess. Perhaps I'm a bit tired, emotionally.

Anyway, I think I will try and turn over a new leaf when I get back on Monday and start setting goals and all that crap. Get some stuff done. You know, take control of my own destiny and all that jazz. I know I have all the talent and the potential in the world. Just lacking in drive and motivation right now. I guess I'm still searching for my true calling, you know?

Good weekend!

a day (or 2) later...

Liar!

Ah, c'mon....this is my diary...I just feel like writing today. By the way, how do you know it's Sunday morning?

As you wander through the valley of life, be sure to take in every detail. Marvel at the wonder that is existance and see yourself for the miracle you are. Taste the air, breathe in joy, breathe out your troubles, for no woe can lessen the beauty that is you. We have power unimaginable. Tap into your energies, shake off the shackles which hold you back, and free yourself to fly with the wind.

Remove the fear...no-one can keep you trapped against your will. Take the step into the void, for if you do, you will find you can fly.

I am free, I am happy. If I feel like singing while I walk, I'll sing. If I feel like spreading my arms and spinning circles in the park, I'll do. Do I get strange looks? Sometimes. Do I care? Kiss my ass. No. If I let the opinions of other people rule my life, I would be awfully miserable, so I don't.

Try doing something out of the ordinary today, just to see how it feels. I promise you , if you ignore the fear of being different, you will feel ecstatic. Breathe in positive energy, and visualise all you negative energy leaving as you breathe out, and you will begin to understand how you feel most of the time.

The secret to enjoying life is allowing life to enjoy you.

And don't bother trying to explain. And never ever say, I am just too tired having to live up to others' expectations, screw all those people who think they own part of my life....

Lain macam jer bunyi ko ini hari, Nal?

Hah?

Monday 10/4

I don't want company.
I don't want to be loved.
I don't want to love.
I don't want to be told I love you.
I don't want to tell I love you.
I don't want to be touched.
I don't want to be hugged.
I don't want sex.
I don't want apologies.
I don't want something nice to be done for me.
I don't want...

...Then I woke up and sat straight up....

Then again, I'd rather be asleep than awake....

Tuesday 11/4

Has anyone seen that Java Man?

Started out trading coffee (Java) early last year by throwing a few thousand at him. He gave me everything golden under the sun in return. Seeing how much he "liked" me; I pawned his friemdship gifts and gave him back the money for another trip round the sun. He overdid it that time; took me to Venus and beyond where I collected precious gifts. When I got home, I sold the gifts and kept the money.

But I did buy him something nice for his birthday.

That's when I think he found another friend because he came around less and less. When he did show up, he was preoccupied and seemed not to notice me. I gave some more money and we went for dinner and a movie. After that, he stood me up three time in a row.

Now, I'm left with memories but no friendship.

Has anyone seen that Java Man???

* * * * * * * *

Hello, this is Mr. Coffee Bull aka Mr Java Man, I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now but leave your name and number and I will contact you regarding the next wave up as soon as possible. Beep....

Damn answering machine again. Heck, I know you're there Java Man. It just ain't right the way you're treating me. We still are friends, remember? Open up a little and understand how I feel. I miss you and I'll always be there for you. Why don't you pick up the phone, life is just too tough without the bull market. I love the bull. I need the bull. I hope you get this message. Why do you want to treat me this way? Is there a pleasure you get in making me suffer like this?

I know your friends are probably listening but I don't care. And you might have many friends around but I know that I'm your only real friend. Can't you see I'm crying baby and I don't care who knows how I feel. I'm willing to just forgive and forget. Pick up the phone and call me. I don't deserve this just talking to your answering machine after all we've been through. We were so good together as friends.

Has anyone seen that Java Man?
Wednesday 12/4
"..I listen to the sounds they make on the way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
I imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
and when it lands will my eyes be closed or open...?"
-bjork,

I don't really like bjork that much. I hate pop culture. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of everybody imitating something, world of pre-packaged personality and shrink-wrapped personas, just one big sociocultural game of follow the leader. I want a place where I can be me, the person I feel inside late at night when I'm lying in bed watching the lights on the bay.

But when I say this, when I shudder at the obviously hip, when I get frustrated at people homogeneously nonconforming, I get called pretentious and elitist and a snob, and all I want is them to just be real.

People can be so... cruel, for lack of a better word. They don't seem to realize that the things they do can really mess someone up, mess someone's life up beyond repair.

But real is scary as shit. If you're being part of the latest trend, if you're following the leader and you have the right opinions and listen to bands no one else has ever heard of and do everything right, if people reject you it's because they just not cool, not because of you.

But dammit, if I'm real, at least I know who I am. Only I don't, because in this society, real people are invisible. The path to recognition is via rebelling just like everyone else does. Or going for the yuppie thing just like everyone else does. Otherwise, unless I am rich and don't have to give a (beep), I am a misfit, a weirdo, an outcast.
Thursday 13/4
Hmmm...how I love to whine...this journal has become a place where I whine. Sometimes I feel like stop writing (whining?) this journal alltogether.

What?

No, I'm too stubborn for that. I don't give up on things that I've started quite that easily. At this point, I want to be a more honest individual. Honesty doesn't include hiding and we hide the things that we're often ashamed of. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, do I? I feel this is the lesson to be learned right now, but I also know I will have to work out how else I can keep the journal as my work space, while still allowing others in to see the process.

Oddly enough, this very life that I thought is uninteresting, now has my complete attention---it fascinates me.

Plus it would be different, and you know my knack for not doing what everyone else is doing. And doing what everyone else not doing.

Are things truly meant to happen this way, or do we decide our own fates? .....

Time lately has been going both so very slow and so very fast for me, depending on my mood, my level of boredom, and the last time I had a cigarette.

Insecurity. I absolutely hate being as insecure as I am, but I can't stop it. It's such a helpless feeling not being able to pull the brakes on a part of you that you simply cannot stand.


next (the day the music died...)




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