Life Of A Typical Malay - March 2000
Monday 27/3
I'm writing this while checking a few commodity websites, strange, a few of them are down. At the same time? It's not my connection, there's
nothing wrong with Jaring at the moment. So while waiting for the pages to load, I'm going back and forth checking other sites.
So depressing, I'm on the verge of heading into my
deepest recess of depression I think..hehe...
Why?
Why not. This is me, this is
how I've always been. The cycle up and the cycle down. Just like coffee market.
I can't seem to get this living thing right. I keep searching and
searching for a path that will lead to semi-happiness and it's not
there.
Oh no, not again!...lol..(and the pages still do not load!)
The conclusion I've come to is that depressed people (like me) do not have
a very high tolerance for boredom. I was sitting at work today (watching paint dry...hehe..well,
market moved within range) thinking
"my god, I can't do this commodity thing for the rest of my life". Then I'll
be sitting at home thinking "my god, I can't live at this place the
rest of my life". Then I'll be talking to my so-called friends
thinking "my god, is this the best I can do for my social life?". Then
I'll be lying in bed in the morning thinking "my god, I can't physically
do this every morning for the rest of my life".
I don't understand my life anymore. Things just don't happen the way I want them to.
I get so close to realizing my hopes and dreams and then poof there they go again.
Why does this always happen?
Insecurity. I absolutely hate being as insecure as I am, but I can't stop it.
It's such a helpless feeling not being able to pull the brakes on a part
of you that you simply cannot stand.
Life is so damn tedious. 80% of the time I'm feeling depressed, bored, unfulfilled while only 20%
of the time do I feel good, excited, not-depressed, semi-normal. That's
not at all a good percentage - don't you think?
I can keep going off and looking for a new career, a new place to live,
new friends, etc.. and it will still come down to the same
thing - I'll be bored, and then depression will set in. Actually I'm so
depressed now I can't even go on with the rest of this entry...heh..
Hmmm...I am just confusing myself now. Too much talking about one thing I guess.
(and the servers are still down!)
Well people, I shall go. I will be back for another entry tomorrow and maybe,
just maybe, it will be interesting. Maybe not. I love you all! Except for you...yeah, you (glg.cache.jaring.my) right there. You suck. Big time.
Tuesday 28/3
Today has been relatively boring. Sort of. Boring in the not exciting sense.
I've done things, just not very interesting things.Just some things.
I slept late this morning, about 7-30 am. And woke up at 12 noon.
I was a bit delighted
by a bevy of snail mail today. It thrilled me, honestly, because
the mail
has been pretty lackluster as of late. Today though there were
two letters, one contained a checque of ..hehe..USD 1-00. Yeah, one buck. It was meant for payment for one on-line survey I did last month. One buck? All the way from Florida? The postage costs more than a dollar.
Not wanting to be laughed off by bank officers, I threw the letter away.
One buck? Good grief!
Was on the phone with Mat SJ this afternoon, he's still having
that problems (with his wife),
and I think it was really necessary for him to talk to and "be
around" someone who wasn't vested in the situation, like myself. It
was really interesting for me to be playing that Uncle Agony role.
I mean, I do it all the time for people I'm close to. People
used to tell me their problems. I think I'm an incredibly
good listener.
*Yawn*
Not
only because I care
but because I honestly find people's lives
interesting. And people
seem to find me easy to talk to, so it all works out. I would've
been a great therapist.
*Yawn*
If only people find my life interesting....oh no, now I need a therapist...
Wednesday 29/3
What if I just want to be quiet?
Thursday 30/3
I am such a rat pack!. Really. I was vacuuming when I decided to kind of rearrange my furnitures. It was tough, you know, because I was doing it alone, pushing the tables, dragging the cabinets, moving some boxes, lifting this and that.
Every item in my room
tells a story, and every time I pack something in, I would
invariably stop and indulge in the memories it brings.
I guess I’m too sentimental for my own good...heh.. And while "checking" one of the boxes/trunks (it has words like Kenyan Tea or something
written on it) I "stumbled" upon another box containing old (of course)
letters - letters from friends, letters from my family etc - nearly a decade old letters. First I wanted to just throw the box away, but after reading some of the letters I decided not to. I was smiling and grinning from ear to ear. And i spent the next half an hour
flipping my photo albums. So much of old memories.
That stack of concert tickets (stubs) are kewl too - 43 all together,
yeah, 43 concerts in 3 years I was in Scotland. Maybe I'll have the
tickets albumed, I have 6 of Bryan Adams concert tickets, Chris de
Burgh (4), The Eurythmics, The Housemartin, Pet Shop Boys, Steve Winwood, UB40, The Beautiful South, Bruce Springsteen, U2, T'Pau, Simple Minds, Wet Wet Wet, Deacon Blue, The proclaimers, Hue And Cry, Whitney Houston, Sting, Genesis, Phil Collins, Aztec Camera, Inxs and a few others. I even went to see Shakin Stevens once, oh, and Cliff Richards too. And George Michael, heh...
That’s one reason why I hate moving (no, not that I'm moving out, no) because I have to endure
the pain of chucking a lot of stuff; stuff which I feel tells
a part of my life, stuff which will always bring back a lot of
memories. People will call them junk, but I call them treasures. I have a few treasure chests here in my room, and a few more within this apartment.
I still remember I had to throw almost half of my stuff when I shifted house a few years
back, and with that, I felt that a large part of me has
been erased.
If we are always so obsessed with the present and future,
why bother to have lived in the past at all?
Am I making sense here??
* * * * *
Note:
- Friday, 31/3 - I'm a bit busy and don't have time to update this. I'll be away this weekend (Sanggang), back on Monday, InsyaAllah. Good weekend.
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