Life Of A Typical Malay - February 2000

Thursday 24/2/2000

Thank God my life is gradually getting busier and busier. The hole or emptiness inside still nags at me though. My time is now getting spent with work. Yet the emptiness inside remains but keeping busy takes my mind off it some. To be honest I don't really want my being busy to take all of the focus of feeling this way - empty. Its not a nice way to feel but on the other hand ignoring the problem does no good either.

Best to deal with it.

Have you ever just laid around thinking to yourself and decided that... you think too much? I think about that, but then... that seems to be the problem, even then... I'm thinking too much.

Maybe I have to explore how my mind affects the quality of my life. Heck, I don't even know the very basic of reality. I don't even know what's real and what is just a play of my mind.

It is the mind, not the world around me, that creates most of the fear, stress and dissatisfaction I experience in life. Certainly, there are times where I am at risk of actual physical injury. Most of the time, though, my problems arise because I have attached my own upsetting meaning to a situation that inherently doesn't mean anything at all...

Surely feeling this way will drive me to the solution, whatever that might be. My moods lately have been slightly on the angry/bitter side. Angry inside that is. Angry for no valid reasons.

Not always a totally negative thing though.

With anger comes energy and if controlled can be channeled into good use.

Like being the drive to making a change for example. The opposite extreme to being sad is worse for me anyway. The feeling that all hope has gone, that the route in life seems destined to be a boring road to nowhere.

Saying all that I'm not sure if I would call it anger, just emotions stirring and bubbling over till I feel like I'm going to implode. Thoughts turn to despair with boredom as the catalyst.

I'm hyper sensitive maybe, a result of spending a lot of my life alone putting myself through a torture of negative thoughts. I'm good at observation of faults not quite so adept at fixing them....

Friday 25/2/2000

Oh boy, what a rough ride it was last night. Coffee tumbled again and broke that 100 mark (one buck a pound). We could not even get the chance to enter positions, it went down all the way without making corrections/retracement. We were a bit disappointed and went out for some drinks, wondering where the price is heading next. South looks like, but it has to go up to go down. So, tonight I'm trying to do "soul searching" in coffee...*LOL*..

It will make me either:
1) Want to give up OR
2) Drink more tea.

Trading on New York Exchange is not an easy business. I keep telling myself not to fall into its trap. And not to risk scared money.

Maybe what I need to do now is to try sitting out, read, learn, ask questions, study and focus. There's no quick buck in the markets. If someone gets lucky at first, the markets will quickly humble him. The markets ain't going anywhere! There will always be killer trades shaping up. There will always be losses. Just try and learn how to lose less over all. Think twice about picking my battles.

Whenever I feel down, and my acctount is drained to the point that it's hard to have a consistent plan I think a BREAK is in order. However, the ideal thing would have been, to test the system I am using and see if it is profitable or not. For some reason I have trouble being disciplined enough to do this testing. Maybe I don't want to see my creation bomb on paper ....(but using it instead in the real market is clearly worse if its bad). Maybe it's my laziness or poor time managment.

I am in coffee sitting on side lines with everything else now. Taking time to learn. Its all about discipline I guess. But I have to prove to myself, that I can, and will make the calls.

Quit?? Yes, I thought about it. I thought about going back to construction line, be a Resident Engineer again and bore myself watching those Indonesian and Bangladeshi immigrant workers. But I had already become "touched" by trading. It is in my blood and I wouldn't give it up if I lost all I had right now. No job can compare. I know that if it is to be, it is up to me to make it so. So, I'm going to stick around a bit longer.

Take the time to learn one market. Become successful with that market. Then learn another. What I learned in one market will be more easily applied in the second. If I make a mistake, learn from it. But never let it get me down. And if my heart is in it, never, never give up.

In reality, I know deep in my heart, that I CAN'T quit. "Once a trader, always a trader." It's kinda like gettin' busted with a tyre iron. Am I just gonna lay there and never get up, or am I gonna get back up and take somemore, til I eventually learn how to dodge, duck, or run from whatever knocked me for a loop, in the first place?

Trading is fun, if I allow it to be. Kinda like tryin' to beat the clock, and livin' on the edge. Try making my next trade as tho it will be my last, if it goes against me. I'll 'probly put a lot more thought and deliberacey into it. And I'm going to keep a stiff upper lip!!!

Trade well, Zainal. Trade well!!!

Note:

So, when you feel like drinking coffee, just think of me. But please drink Arabica Coffee, not Robusta or conillon.

Saturday 26/2/2000

Today has taken kind of a strange turn, and I think I need to just turn off this thing and stay as far from the internet as I can for the next twenty four hours or so. This is not at all a personal challenge.

I think I'll do a lot of reading.

I think.

Monday 28/2/2000

I've had enough.

That sums up how I feel a the moment. I'm fed up of feeling this way and fed up with these 4 walls.

I'm having some problems now actually, big big problems. No, not that I made someone pregnant. Hell, NO!

Hehe..

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as though they're here to stay..." - The Beatles

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no-one wants you when you lose

Don't give up
'cos you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good - Kate Bush & Peter Gabriel

Some other things actually, too complicated now I need to take a break for a few days to try fix them up. I can't just pray without doing something.

Farewell, I shall be back in ...I don't know, in a couple of days probably, hopefully in better spirits. I have online life, remember?...

Maybe I'll share the story with you...

If I care...



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