Life Of A Typical Malay - February 2000

Tuesday 15/2/2000

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Sender IP: 202.188.76.133
Subject: From Your Web Page
Assalammualaikum,
just nak cakap hi..pasal journal tuh..still in process nak abiskan baca..panjang norr.hheehee..seronot gakz baca..one thing for sure..u make me laugh!..=)
-May
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{That was another ICQ web message I got from my one of my journal readers. Thanks but no thanks.}

Hmmm.... looks like this journal is not turning out as planned. It was supposed to go towards achieving lots of things - improving myself as a person, helping me gain a much better understanding of myself and the world, and as a release for emotions. Yet it has become kind of "laughing stock" to some. I mean, I'm not here to make someone laugh.

I am NO clown.

And now I’m looking at my journal as a whole and it has drifted into a lazy uncreative repetition, whining, whining, whining....If I’m going to continue with this journal I’m gonna have to change it.

I’m getting the feeling of being trapped at the moment, I’m getting frustrated with both myself and my life.

Oh no, I better stop whining...

But what can I write here when every day seems the same. I can't possibly go on like this, I am numb (and dumb) and walk around with my eyes only half open.

Well, it's 4-30 am now and I just got home, another stressful trading day, coffee seems the same too. Numb and dumb. Tonight it only moved within 1.40 points, lots of switch activities for March and May contracts. Perhaps I have to wait until Feb 18th when March contract expires, or at least until the funeral of March bulls. Bears are taking over now, I don't know whether or not I can survive (being a bull) in this bear market. I think I can, bears don't have that long life span.

Well, my mood has lightened a little now that I've had chance to shake of works state of mind. I've been listening to some appropriate songs ( I don't usually have my CD on at about this hour but tonight I'm doing the unusual thing - listening to some of my all-time favourite songs). And the play list so far goes as follows:-

Faithfully - Journey
circus life
under the big-top world
we all need a clown (?)
to make us smile
through space and time
always another show
wondering where i am
lost without you

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
"You've got a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere" seems like an appropriate song for my mood, feel a little trapped at the moment. I just feel the urge to get away from it all.
"You've got a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere"

Baby, Can I Hold You - Tracy Chapman
Seeing as I had the CD in to play Fast Car I just can't take it out without playing this song.

Throwing It All Away - Genesis
Need I say I love you?
Need I say I care?
Need I say that emotions are something we don't share?
I don't want to be sitting here trying to deceive you
'Cos you know I know baby
I don't wanna go.

True Faith - New Order
I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I don't care 'cause I'm not there
And I don't care if I'm here tomorrow
Again and again I've taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...


Can't Fight This feeling - REO Speedwagon
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
‘Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

and a few others like:

Rise To The Occasion - Climie Fisher
Sweetest Smile - Black
Dignity - Deacon Blue
How Men Are - Aztec Camera
With Or Without You - U2
Tougher Than The Rest - Bruce Springsteen
Shattered Dreams - Johnny Hates Jazz
These Dreams - Heart

Oh, I even have Vanessa Paradis' (Johnny Depp's current girlfriend?) Joe Le Taxi on my CD.

Talking about music, why I keep n bumping into Jamal Abdillah (the singer) I don't know. I "saw" him again tonight(second time this week) near Standard Chartered Bank, Taipan, USJ when I was about to withdraw some money.

He gave that hey-you-don't-you-know-who-I-am? look, I did not even say hi to him. Strange, what was he doing there? At 3-00 in the morning?

Wednesday 16/2/2000

5-20 am :

I let myself be carried away now. It's the time when I feel so easily swayed. Running water over stones. I don't know where I go, but I cannot keep still.

Last night/this morning was another for taking out people's skeletons. There were a few of us traders sitting in the conference room, watching coffee playing sideways for hours on end only to slide within 5 minutes or so.

We we comparing what we know of the people we live with. Hehe... one would be surprised at the things people share behind closed doors, but then again, maybe it is not so surprising.

Dark histories, suicidal tendencies, drug abuse, and god knows what else. Pretty scary. Strange how knowing people's secrets make me feel closer to them, even though they do not know I know. Well, we are all matured people, being with those guys (they are much older than me, only Halim is about my age) doesn't make me feel odd. It does sometimes make me feel old. Yea, odd and old.

What I have learned last night throws shadows on memories. I feel so morbid with my interest piqued by grotesque stories.

Part of me wants to delve into my own darker side. The one who invites pain, the one who keeps wanting to know about secrets and hush-hushed stories. I want to explore the slicing anger, the rage, the lust, and the pain. Forbidden emotions, hidden feelings. But I am also disgusted by this side of me. It makes me feel cold, unsure and guilty. Ahhh...I'm only human....

What a balanced (..*LOL*..) thinking ....one minute I'm thinking all positive the next I'm thinking what a drag life is at the minute and why I'll be like this forever. I must have so many different philosophy's in my head all fighting to be the champion. The trouble is when you've been the same for several years it's pretty damn hard to change. I know myself too well.....

I've been thinking about so many things, when really I should take one step at a time. I've always been one to want to try run before I can walk. In my mind I have a set of goals and a picture of how things should be. Some days I think that it is all just dreams and I'm destined to stay like this for always, other days I just want to strangle my negative side for being silly and crazy.

That are my weaknesses I guess, being silly and crazy. And knowing what my weaknesses are, is my strongest point. Confused? I bloody am.

I just want to think positive, aim for the sky and teach these broken wings to fly.

The only problem is that underneath my common sense I still have the damaging thoughts that have been instilled over years previously. *They* tell me I worth shit, *they* tell me I'm not as good as anyone else, *they* say my dreams are pointless and reset my targets to well below average. I know that I shouldn't listen to this little voice in my head, I know that I shouldn't follow its echo, but it is one that wont go away easily. No matter how hard I try, it won't go away that easy.

Ahhh... To hell with that.

The only way to go now is to slowly day by day work against this voice, till finally it gives up and changes its philosophy.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

...and I keep waiting for the day to end, it seems so slow. Hankering away on my pc nearly the whole night and feeling nothing accomplished. Dark days. Emotional tides. Restlessness and a headache.

Hmmm...I'm off to bed now, hope to wake up a little bit early tomorrow (today?), I need to go to KL to buy tickets to see a theatre play titled "A Flight Delayed".

Thursday 17/2/2000

Heck, I'm having troubles right now knowing exactly what to write today. I don't know how revealing I wish to be in here now that my hit counter records streams (slight exaggeration there...*LOL*..) of local visitors. It always gives me scary thought seeing IP numbers that end with MY (Malaysia). I don't mind getting visits from people from Mongolia for example, but my balls shrink everytime I see tm.net.my or jaring.my. Who could that be? Could that be him? Could that be her? Could that be them? You know, that scary thoughts.

I lose track of my visitors, I don't even know who is reading this now. I wonder if other people have had this problem when they first started up. The thought of completely baring my soul to complete strangers is a little bit intimidating. But, I'm sure as I do this more and more, those feelings will subside a little. I hope.

Ah, lantaklah...

My last few entries have been rather *bonk* I think. But the fact is, I haven’t had much time to do anything other than "work". Well, I guess that’s not 100% accurate. I spend a lot of time on the internet, possibly too much time. But that's part of my work. The biggest part. Checking news on Brazil, Colombia and New York, London and Tokyo Exchanges in general, participating in market forums, updating my charts etc.

Have you ever noticed how you can totally lose track of time while in cyberspace? There’s just so much to do, see and read online, that if you let yourself, you can waste hours upon hours online. I find myself online too much. Reading up on some of my many interests, downloading new programs to try out etc. Lucky I'm not into mIRC and shit like that. I don't have e-mail buddies but my mail box is always full with newsletters and reports, all computer-generated mails. ICQ is my only means of communication, I always have it activated when I'm online. It's nice sometimes to have passing strangers saying hi.

I can’t imagine how I’d respond the first time my grandchildren (if I have any) ask me what it was like before the internet was around.

Well, actually the internet has technically been around for a while, but I think you understand what I mean.

With the internet becoming more and more prevalent in our society, will we become more and more isolated as people? What will be the incentive for going out and socializing? Will the majority of our social interactions come through our phone lines? Once the television, computer and phone line all merge into one appliance will we ever leave our houses? Is the vision of citizens doing their daily activities over the new computer an accurate one? Will we now do all of our shopping, movie watching, television watching, music listening over this new type of computer? Will we all (or at least most of us) work from home? Will we conduct all of our meetings online? Will we go to school online?

I think the answer to all the questions above is YES.

The vision of a society completely attached to the computer one is a scary vision indeed. Although, I can see it beginning to come to fruition. Personally, I know I spend way to much time online. Will we forget what it is like to have face to face communications with our fellow humans? Scary thoughts to ponder if you ask me!

I need to do my part to make sure that this doesn’t happen. I need to get out and experience life more. I need to use my interpersonal communicative skills before they atrophy into nothingness.

* * * * *

I was ready to go to KL this afternoon, stopped at Seven Eleven (Section 6) to buy newspapers to read while on the train. Then suddenly it poured, and by the time I reached my car I was already soaking wet. Drove to the mosque instead and spent about an hour there (at the car park) reading newspapers. Tuned in to MIXX FM and it so happened that their "road crew" was in town, Section 9. And for the fun of it I drove there to collect some souvenirs, a CD and a can of Coke.

What a life!

Market was dull again tonight, lucky Dominic dropped by so off we went for a quick drinks.

Bila kita mau kaya, Mike? (When are we getting rich, Mike?)

Tak taulah Mike...(I don't know, Mike...)

Kalau kita bikin profit kita pergi New York nak? (If we make some profits, we go to New York then?)

Orait, calit sikit, Mike. (Ok, give me five!)

Funny, as you can see, we call each other Mike.

Saturday 19/2/2000

Chicken! I knew coffee was heading down, all the indicators showed negative signs, technically and fundamentally. Even London was down. But I did not do anything, I just sat there like a fool, hoping for the price to bounce so that I could go short at higer level. In the end I got nothing.

Greedy old bonker!

Oh, that was last night...

I went to KL again this afternoon, right after having lunch at Sports Cafe. Man, I like it there, everytime they see me coming, they will go look for The Star. They bloody know my habits, reading The Star while having my meals.

I spent about 4 hours in KL, first I went to The Actors Studio, Plaza Putra (Merdeka Square) and bought 2 tickets for Monday night (A Flight Delayed). Markets are closed Monday for President's Day. Hope Dominic will enjoy the show, I'm sure I will. I've seen these talented guys performing a few times, and I have to admit I admire the names like Zahim AlBakri, Jit Murad, Ida Nerina, Patrick Teoh, to name a few. My favourite play so far is Gold Rain and Hail Stones.

Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, bagi aku, baik lagi negeri orang...*LOL*...

I then walked to Central Market and bought a 125ml-bottle Polo Ralph Laurent aftershave, a 150ml-bottle eau de toilette and one 85ml Jaguar deodrant stick. All for RM 285, damn expensive but in this hot and humid weather I cannot live without these 3 items. I tried Calvin Kline, Guy Laroche and even Alain Delon products before but to me Polo is still the best. I'm going to stick to that.

After saying my Asar, I went to Kota Raya, thought of buying old computer magazines, but it was packed with shoppers I left immediately.

I checked my Citibank mastercard and visa accounts again, that RM 5000 was still there. Maybe they have increased my credit limit, who knows? Hey Citibank, instead of increasing my credit limits, why don't you give me that platinum card? ...*LOL*...Well, I know I'm not qualified but I've been with you guys for what, 4 or 5 years?

I walked along Jalan Masjid India (Little India), all the way to Sogo. Heck, whatever happened to that famous Pasar Malam (Night Market) along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman?

Spent almost an hour at Kunokuniya Books (or was it Kukokuniya?) trying to find books on commodities. I almost bought one but changed my mind, I can always get any kind of info. thru' the internet, so why waste money?

And while browsing, I came across a book titled "If You Want To Make God Really Laugh, Show Him Your Business Plans" by one Barry J Gibbons (I think), former CEO/Owner of Burger King. Not funny.

My last stop was Pertama Complex, by then I was already kaput. Took the train back to Shah Alam, said my Isyak at Section 18 and then had dinner at Section 9.

Logged on to the internet at 12 midnight, for another session of journey of self discovery......*LOL*..

And here it goes...

So many things I see in daily life trigger my negative emotions. I can’t seem to get away from them. I end up focusing on personality flaws or lack of self esteem etc, Sometimes they make me angry, though I keep this inside. Other times I will tend to want to withdraw and crawl into my shell. What alternatives are there. An alternative could be to try look at the situation differently. Try see each trigger as a sign that something is wrong, a helpful reminder that I need to take positive action to remedy it. A better way to be. Would be a nice habit to get into, though is it a realistic habit for me?

My journey of discovery really begins when I can accept myself for who I am, warts and gifts and everything in between. With acceptance, I release my own harsh judgments. My perspective shifts from "I'm not good enough" to "I'm okay and capable of doing better."

When I'm not stuck in a belief that I am inadequate, I can awaken to the power in every moment to change thinking and behaviour I don't like. Big change happens in the small steps. Big change happens right now when I decide to release a habitual pattern and react differently to a situation. When I replace my negative thought in this moment with a positive one. When I shift my focus from what I don't have--right now--to what I do have and what I want. Big change only happens through these moment-by-moment little ones. And as I inch forward, I can see the quality of my life shift, and I can be inspired by this.

He's nobody's dream
And as he writes he wonders why
Why he can't be loved
Why he can't be somebody's star
And why he keeps asking: Why am I here?
With dreams of so much more
They burn him with their realism
He's there again, scared
And he still dreams of not alone
And he's still nobody's dream
Monday 21/2/2000
Last night when I was having dinner, Lim, a friend (we went to learn French at Alliance Francais together) of mine called.

Hey Zainal, I'm in Shah Alam now, let's go for dinner, what say you? I got something for you, I'm sure you gonna like it.

Oh, come on over, I'm at Section 9 now, I'll wait for you infront of Mac Donald. What is it you got there? Another French CD?

Nope, but 2 tickets for a comedy play titled A Flight Delayed on Sunday 27th.

Blimey, I've already got 2 tickets, I'm going to see that play tomorrow night. Anyway, just come over for a little chat.

So, what was I to do with that 2 extra tickets?

So, this morning I posted a message on a few newsgroups offering those tickets for free. I got a few replies and decided to give them to the one Lee W.S who happens to live at Section 11, Shah Alam.

I had a pretty hectic morning today, my printer went kaput and I had to copy a few files to my diskette. Then to Meda's office and spent a few hours there printing reports etc. Rushed to USJ in the afternoon, only to find my Hong Kong Bank ATM card was not in my wallet. Damn it. Dropped by the office, no one was there, ah, President's Day blues I guess.

Left for Puchong after Asar after dropping the tickets into Lee's mail box, picked Dominic up and took KESAS Highway to KL. Surprise, surprise, took us less than half an hour to get to Plaza Putra. KLites don't drive anymore? Or perhaps everybody likes to work over-time?

We walked to Central Market looking for a place to have something to eat. The restaurant next to that kebab house was closed, so we decided to go back to Plaza Putera. I went to Masjid Jamek to say my Maghrib, we then walked back to the plaza and had dinner there.

While waiting for the show to start we lepaked infront of the studio. I saw a few familiar faces there, actress Louisa Chong and her husband , one TV2 English newsreader (can't remember what her name was, Raja something...) and a few others.

Mike, I think I'm the only "nobody" here, everyone else is someone...

That's crap, I think I'm somebody, otherwise I wouldn't be here...

Yeah, you're right!

{ The play revolves around a couple, Jeff and Rin, embarking on their first holiday together after a two-year relationship. As fate would have it, they get trapped in Singapore's Changi Airport when their flight is delayed. With so much time in hand,the couple began to have a heart-to-heart talk about their relationship.

Rin believes she knows precisely what is needed to make their relationship work - if only she can persuade Jeff to participate. Jeff on the other handis an obsessive compulsive worker who is aggravated by his career and his previous marriage.

Rin also meets Puan Fatimah, a conservative middle-aged wife and mother who doesn't quite understand why modern relationship are so tortorous.

Meanwhile Jeff runs into Deena, his former college whose own personal bagage includes her recent break up with her boyfriend.}

It was a brilliant show. It really was fantabulous. They had us in stitches with their double-meaning jokes. I like jokes that have double meaning, y'know, you laugh and at the same time your ears turn red. What a splendid performance by Ida Nerina, Zahim Al Bakri, Patrick Teoh and Azean Irdawaty.
Wednesday 23/2/2000
Was I lost? No, but thanks for asking..*LOL*..Laziness is my only excuse. I have often thought I should write something, everyday. So tonight I write. So, hello, 'o journal of my soul... once again I write to you and the world hoping that perhaps maybe I shall be heard. Though I have no real message or words of wisdom, I am here writing, attempting to understand myself... though I think it to be an impossibility.

Well, actually, my laptop crashed a few times last night. I was at the office and while cheking some commdodity-related websites, I decided to "go" to George Square, Glasgow. Fellow traders were a bit curious so we started trawling other Webcam sites. We started with the famous Jenni Cam, a site that purpotedly receives millions of hits everyday from loney puppies hoping for a glimpse of her. Unfortunately, all we got was an endless black-and-white shot of an empty chair.

Then my pc went blank, and we were left without internet connection for the rest of the night. I was kind of lost, not being able to know how London Exchange performing.

And that was the reason why there was no entry yesterday. I was a bit paranoid too, remember, I posted a message on a few newsgroup the other day. And yesterday my counter recorded not less than 50 new hits, local hits. Lucky it was down to just 20 something today. People must think how crazy I am, y'know, having a diary published on the 'net.

To me this is not at all weird, not at all crazy. Well, some peple just don't go out much, some people just don't surf the internet much. As simple as that.

Why do people write journals in public then? Isn't it supposed to be private? Maybe because with the web, we can all be movie stars, famous, like on tv. Everyone just wants attention. I think maybe a lot of us didn't get a lot of attention when we were younger so we take it out on the web. To me, writing for strangers seems safer than keeping a paper diary that might be found and read by someone I know. Well, my diary doesn't have all that juicy stuff so I don't have to worry much. Not yet anyway...hehe..

Sometimes...
I reflect back upon my life
and catch glimpses of events
most of these are things
I would prefer not to remember
and funny how that works.
I close my eyes
and allow myself to be lifted away.
beyond my dreams.
beyond my life
beyond anything
that may cause me strife.
these words are written
but could be spoken
either way,
it does not matter
take it for what it is
and nothing more.



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