Life Of A Typical Malay - December 1999

...soon I'll be leaving...

It's almost that time of the year again: time to review your pathetic year only to discover that you've accomplished nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zero. Null.

Or maybe you have; I don't know.

For me, it's always been true that I accomplish approximately 50% less than I intended to - and that's on a good day. The average over the whole year would probably be something like 20% net accomplishment.

Every year, it gets to be a more nagging issue because I accomplish the same amounts but I get older so I somehow have to adjust my percentage of accomplishments so that they increase to make up for the fact that I will die at some point (hopefully, not soon and while I'm in good health, etc.).

Whenever I talk to people about this topic, I get different reactions. I've realized that the reactions have to do with different attitudes towards time.

People perceive time differently. I've discovered that I perceive time to be discrete while others perceive it to be continuous. I visualize time: the year as circular, the weeks, days and months as on a straight line. I see clear demarcations.

I think it is for this reason that I experience so much regret and distress over lost time. At the end of the year, I realize that it is gone. Gone forever. Will never return ever again. And I feel a deep sense of loss. Did I use my time productively? No. Of course not. Did I squeeze everything out of my time? No. Of course not.

When I wake up in the afternoon, I have things planned for the *day* and when the day is over, I either did them or I didn't. There is no half way. And if I didn't, I really hate myself for it, seeing the day as one discrete entity. Either what I planned for this box fit, or it didn't.

I see that other people have a continuous notion of time where they just do the things they want to do without much planning and continue doing whatever they were doing into the next day, into the next month, etc.

I can't deal with this even though I know that this is the better way to deal with time and life. If you perceive time as being continuous, you never fail, you just "take longer" to finish something. You just start working on your project and continue working on it until it's done. I've never been able to do this.

To me, things have a beginning and an ending. I wake up in the afternoon and I have to "ease" myself into the day. I have never been able to jump out of bed when the alarm rings and start doing whatever I was doing yesterday. No.

Each day has to have its own flavor and I contemplate the day before I begin it: what I will do, how I feel this afternoon, what my mood is like.

Then, after I've contemplated all of this, I get up and do my things. But each afternoon I have the feeling that this is a new day with new opportunities. But then regret sets in at the end of the day when I discover that I didn't do everything planned and there's no way to comfort myself by telling myself that tomorrow I will finish it.

No, the day is gone and whatever I didn't finish today is irreparable and there is no way to undo the damage done.

People who have a continuous perception of time clearly have an advantage. They don't regret a lot of things because they just continue doing them.

The new year means nothing because it's just a superficial symbol of an arbitrary point in time where the earth comes back to the same point in its path.

Big deal.

These people get a lot more done I think. They're not so hung up on when they should finish something and whether they've passed some arbitrary point in time; they just get it done.

I get hung up on deadline things and time markers like the new year which constantly force me to try to get things done. One would think that if I have a discrete perception of time, I'd get more done.

But here's the paradox: if I planned something and I decided that I'd get it done by the end of the day and I see in the middle of the day that I wasted time and got nothing done, I drop the whole thing altogether.

It's so stupid, but that's the way I am.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me and my personality and has nothing to do with perception of time.

* * * * * *

the wind
carry my prayer
hear me
know my pain
know my loss
for the one
that my heart
was claimed by
has gone

i am alone
give me strength
that I may endure
give me knowledge
to use what I have learned
give me comfort
for the pain
give me compassion
for those who have wronged me
give me forgiveness
for the one who still owns my heart....

* * * * * *

So, have a Merry Christmas everyone...


[ Note: Special thanks to RiRi for this lovely gif ]


May your Christmas Season be filled with love, music, laughter, family and friends...

And Happy New Year 2000

As another year draws to a close, may the peace of this season surround you with warmth and love...



Peace be with you...

* * * * * * *

God in my heart

If I could have one wish I know just what I'd like to find
If I could have one dream come true before my eyes
More than a pot of gold, more than a pathway to the stars
More than anything I know, I want God in my heart

If I could paint a picture in my mind of what I'd like to see
If I could take "me" once inside my deepest dreams
More than a treasure's glow, more than a comet traveling far
More than anything I know, I want God in my heart
He's more than all the world can give
When He truly comes to live in my heart
Why do I try to search for more
When He's what I'm looking for in my heart

So if I could have one wish I know just what I'd like to find
If I could have one wish come true before my eyes
More than a pot of gold, more than a pathway to the stars
More than anything I know, I want God
I pray I'll find God, I want God in my heart



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