Life Of A Typical Malay - December 1999
Part 2
Wednesday 22/12/1999
My apartment is a perfect place for reflection: it's a high
ceiling room with
flat panelling, dim lights and a few casement windows that are
out of the way. Here I
sit thinking, remembering, feeling. I do my best to travel
to places/times
I haven't visited yet, as well as those I have.
Effortlessly faces and
pictures come to mind along with feelings and emotion.
The only easy analogy
I can think of is an emptyness through which people/events/thoughts/
etc float
so that I may watch them and ponder over their patterns.
The easiest way to describe this state is confusion.
All I perceive in this emptyness is a desperation and dire
hopelessness that
is incomprehensible and overwhelming. It's with these feelings that
I look
outside for answers and alternatives. It's with these emotions that
I strive
to gather the energy to make something in this emptyness;
something to satisfy
the desire and bannish the hopelessness.
With this understanding I live my life, happy because I see that
there ARE
people out there. People that let me know they understand, and tell
me that
they can help me, because they understand things the way they are.
It took me a while to figure out that although these people did
understand
things the way they are, their understanding was almost always
different from
mine. Not just different, but less, unsatisfying, often offensive
and
repulsive.
By the time I'd figured it out, it'd been a little late. I'd gone
ahead and done my best at adapting to these many different realities,
and in
the process lost my own. Not having a solid reality, the need to
express it
dwindled, as did the skill needed to do so.
The final result has been more confusion. The end product is a
person who
has troubles understanding his own reality as well as expressing it.
Luckily
I have something left, a part which I have always been to afraid
to show
people. It's inside of me, inside my head, sort of like a voice,
but more
like a whole person, in fact, it would be a whole person if I
didn't keep it
under control.
It's funny that this 'person' inside of me is me, which is something
I'm
only realising now, unfortunately, that doesn't really change much.
I still
can't let it loose, it could hurt someone!
Sometimes I play movies for this person. I engulf it with memories
of the
past and the future, and it reacts. It feels happiness, sadness,
anger, and
all those things that make a person a person.
His only problem is
that most
of what he has to say won't be interesting to most people, or will
make them
angry. What he has to say just isn't important to most people, but
it is to
me, and that's a recent development.
I can't finish this now, my thoughts are to confused. I'm falling
asleep,
and it's the best place to be. My alternatives aren't that pleasent,
and they
keep getting worse with time.
If I look at things from the right point-of-view, then, you know,
things are
ok: the good and the bad even themselves out so that neither really
comes out
on top. It's with this point-of-view that I can sleep at night,
I think I'm
sort of lucky that way.
* * * * * *
I really do believe there's something very wrong with me. Is it
possible
for someone to be incapable of feeling love? I think so. I'm not
talking about love in the sense you love your family or some close
friends.
I guess I'm talking about romantic love. Maybe romantic
love doesn't exist, and all this "love at first sight" crap is
an excuse
people use to fool themselves into thinking they're not really
alone in this
world. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm getting older and have never, EVER,
fallen in
love with someone. (oh well, I did fall in love once - it was another bad investment so I don't want to talk about it anymore. No, thank you)
I think there's something missing in me (maybe
even physically in my brain), and that's why I'm an unhappy person.
I talked to one of my friends the other day about this and she was
truly surprised
that I've never loved anyone. While at the same time
she's
fallen in love more than a few times and is still in love with some of
her ex(s). I asked her "how will you know when you love someone?"
She says, "you'll know when you feel it". Bullshit. Feel what? What
exactly do you feel? I haven't a clue. She said, "I can't wait to
see you go ga-ga over someone". And I thought ga-ga? What the hell
does
that mean? I've never gone ga-ga over anyone, and quite frankly
I don't
see myself starting now.
I was also talking to a friend of mine about this same topic and he
told me he has been in love twice in his life and that you'll know
you're in love when it hits you.
It hasn't hit me. What am I looking
for - thunderbolts, an excruciating pain at the pit of my stomach, a
desire never to be apart from that person?
Maybe there are certain
people in this world who can't experience love. Not all of us are born
with the capacity to feel every emotion. Which is fine with me I guess
(I can't change it), but there's a continual void there. If you can't
feel love in our society, you're going to be an outcast and bound to
end up alone.
I wish I could feel love, but maybe it's like Chris
Isaak said "Nobody loves noone".
I believe we have a choice on who we love. It is not love that keeps
two people together, it is commitment, understand, communication and
friendship. We love people for all reasons, some better than others.
And when we can choose to continue to love that person or not.
A relationship is two people. Two separate people who come together
and share their lives.
Yes, men are frustrating but we are people,
who need to grow and be whole just like you girls. Blah
.
You fell in love with a person. Let him/her be that person.
It doesn't mean he/she loves you less. Nor does it mean you love him/her less. It means you respect each other and are secure in each other's identity.
I think that there is no way you can control who you fall in love
with no matter how
much you try you cant supress feelings .
I think the older we get the idea of "falling love" becomes more
scientific. Age is a
great teacher. I know I will find that perfect someone.
Thought I did. Same interests, shared values, etc., etc.
This "love affair" lasted 2 years. I still can't explain why
it died and because of this I view love as a very transient thing
and fear it coming my way again. As far as love being more
scientific as we get older, I simply mean that if we have gone
through break-ups, divorce, death, we are much more sensitive
to the "hazard" potential of future relationships.
Personally,
I don't think this is a good thing. I miss the feelings of being
"in love," the lightness, the butterflies, the sighs and smiles. S
omeone said once that love is for the young. More and more, I
believe this. This is probably more than I wanted.
We choose who we fall in love with for the simple
fact that once we have the object of our affection, we take our
selves out of the game.
In other words, "I fell in love in with
because of fate, but I choose not to fall in love with anyone else."
Sounds a little convoluted, I know. I'm somewhat cynical on
this topic.
But I am working on my attitude.
* * * * * *
Time goes by I know what's gonna happen
I know it's going away
Gonna take its toll
Gonna take its toll
But I'll take my time
And I'm thinking about the way things are
And I'm thinking about the way things were
And I'm thinking about my lucky star
And I'm thinking about a lucky charm
And I'm thinking about my deadly scar
Oh I'm thinking about a lucky charm
And I'm thinking about the riddle
I don't know, I know this feeling is nothing too far out of the
ordinary
for you people. I wish I could put it into words better.
I wish someone
were here, I wish I had someone who's felt this way I could talk to.
Maybe part of this is belated birthday angst, that feeling of getting
older and standing still, like being on an elevator, continually
going up
and down yet going nowhere. And unlike a roller coaster, it's not
even a
fun ride.
Goddamn it, I'd do anything not to feel this way.
But all my "solutions" end up being far worse than the problem.
I guess I'll just try to sleep for now.
end of Part 2, click "next" to continue...
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