Life Of A Typical Malay - October 1999
Wednesday 27/10/1999
I've been thinking about why I have a diary on line for the world
to see.
The answer is bloody simple. Because I'm very much of a lone ranger and
I don't have anyone to
talk to after a stressful day at work. Coming home and being
able to write about things that make me happy or piss me off is
a form of stress relief and it really does make a difference to
my life. Simple, isn't it.
Just that sometimes I don't feel like writing. And I never blame myself for that.
To be honest I don't know why I'm making this entry, or
even maintaining this diary. At the moment I don't care about much.
I feel a bit lonely and lost and as if no one cares for me. *They*
would say I was just feeling sorry for myself, which I probably
am. But that is me, I do feel sorry for myself a lot of the time.
Since I joined the net about 3 years ago a great deal has changed for
on the inside. I'm still the exactly the same person on the inside
as I was way back then though. Just the way I'm thinking and
the way I look at life in general I gues.
It means that in 20, 30 years time things will
still be the same as they are now.
* * * * * * *
Went to have brunch at Delapan Cafe, had a lengthy talk with Meda.
I agreed to be part of the team, to have a "working space" of my own.
The only problem is that they all have their own businesses and I
don't. So, why do I need an office? Well, actually I'm kind of
working on my own and I don't want to spend my time "doing my works"
(i.e research etc)
at home because I'm not doing some kind of home-based business.
So, I need an office then. Besides, the rental is not that expensive.
And I think it's about time I tell *you* about that good news I've been keeping secret.
I am teaming up with a few guys and we are in the process of establishing our own brokerage house.
More about that soon....
I don't know how I will cope but I do need to change
my life around instead of just wasting it by sitting here on my
arse all the time when I'm not at work. I enjoy doing commodity trading which is
good, except for the fact it has become a bit stressful of late,
and that is important. I need to do things with my time, any
thing but just do something instead of sitting around and
wondering what to do and end up doing nothing.
A busy mind
is a good thing for the well being of the whole body and ones
out look on life.
Kamal called again tonight, he sounded so desperate, and asked for some money
to borrow. Thirty hundred bucks. RM 3000-00. Gosh, he still owes me RM 2000-00.
But Mal, I don't have that much of money. Well, I have some but it's not mine, it's someone else's money.
I really need RM 3000-00 by tomorrow Nal, to pay my supplier, he's been after me for quite sometimes now and I really don't know who to turn to right now. I know you can help and I promise to pay you back by 15th Nov, plus the RM 2000-00 you loaned me early last year.
Ok then, but please promise to pay me back. I need the money by 15th.
Thursday 28/10/1999
....oh, no.....not again......*LOL*....
I've come to the conclusion I'm suffering from a very bad
case of depression. I have absolutely no desire to do anything
and to actually do something takes all my effort. It is slowly
getting worse. Apart from work there is nothing in my life. When people
ask me what I like to do, I have no answer for them as I never
do anything. I sit around
the house playing on the PC. I don't go out
unless I have to and when I do make an effort I ask myself
if it was worth it afterwards.
Like this afternoon. I went to Delapan Cafe for lunch, but instead of driving I walked
so I would be able to...y'know...to think...
Chatted with Kamal and Meda, paid Meda RM 500-00 as deposit. Both of them thanked me for helping...
Meda: Look Nal, I'm stuck with my project, payments and all I don't even have money to have the office painted. I'll use this RM 500-00 to buy a few tins of paint and hopefully by next week everything will be ok.
Kamal: Me too Nal, I can't thank you enough, I'll pay your money back soon. Hopefully.
Guys, I do believe in "invisible hands"....
On the
way back I stopped at 7-Eleven to get something to munch on and
just made a complete goat of myself. I know people would think I
just need to do something, and I know this is true, but I have no
idea what to do. I have no interests in my life, I have no "friends"
to enjoy things with and no motivation to do anything.
I know I'm in a bad way but I don't know what to do about it.
That's my problem.
And...
When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger.
The mind is such an incredible power that it literally expands
whatever it
touches. When we are faced with a challenge, obstacle or problem,
our tendency is to nurture it. We talk about it. We describe it
vividly. We monitor its progress day by day, imagining how much
it is growing
and how its effects are devastating every aspect of our lives.
What we are actually
doing is giving the problem more value than it's worth. When
confronted
with a difficulty, we must immediately shift our attention from
the problem
to the solution.
We can think, speak and bring the best possible outcome into
existence by focusing
on where we are going, not on where we think we are.
So, I'm going to focus on the solution.....
Friday 29/10/1999
Ada 2 benda yang aku ingat sampai
sekarang masa aku pergi Sembahyang Jumaat tadi. Mula tu aku tengok
ramai students lepak kat bawah sambil
makan pisang yang orang hantar. Taklah pelik sangat kan? Tak, sebenarnya, aku rasa
macam "hiba" saja bila tengok diaorang makan, ada yang pelahap,
ada yang simpan dalam beg. Aku teringat masa aku student dulu, aku
lagi susah tapi aku lagi menyusahkan bapak aku. Akak The pun sama.
Aku selalu susahkan diaorang, suruh hantar duit bulan-bulan sedangkan
makan dekat ITM free. Aku asyik makan kat luar, macam orang kaya.
Teruk betul aku masa dulu. Itu pasal sekarang aku
"kena tolong" family members aku
yang lain, kira macam nak tebus dosalah tu...
Tengoklah, kalau aku ada masa aku nak jugak hantar pisang setandan dua ke Pusat Islam ITM masa Sembahyang Jumaat.
Lagi satu tu, masa Khutbah, Imam tu ada cakap pasal baca Quran.
Aku lupa apa dia cakap tapi dia ada sentuh pasal "ruginya" orang yang
jadikan Quran sebagai perhiasan, baca pun hanya sekali seminggu, malam Jumaat.
Sebijik terkena batang hidung aku.
Mengalir air mata aku, puas aku tahan takut obvious sangat, malu aku kalau orang sebelah perasan. Takut dia ingat aku "mengalir air mata" pasal frust bercinta ke, pasal ada problems ke...
Jadi, aku buat keputusan, mulai harini aku nak mula baca
Quran balik, tak banyak pun sikit, tapi tiap-tiap hari, nak
sambung balik.
* * * * * * *
I was all nervous (but excited) tonight, price opened high and jumped to 102-00 at the re-opening. It reached 103-20 after 10 mins and reversed. It touched opening price and closed at 100-20, quite strong. I did not liquidate my position, not that I was greedy. Just a strategy.
All indicators (technicals and fundamentals) are bullish, why
should I liquidate my "buy"? I might as well wait until next week, because
I feel I'm in for a big money....
Is money important? Well, I guess so. Money just saves time.
It means I can do more of the things I love to do and less of
the things I hate to do. Oh well..
This is a money minded world - and I am a money minded man....
* * * * * * *
Left for KL at 2-00 am, parked my car near Wisma Genesis and walked
to Estana to see Dominic. Saw Zack and his gang and I quickly grabbed
my phone. I did not hear them calling me because "I was on the phone" .
Told Dominic about my plan for next week, he did not agree at first, he wanted me to liquidate the position, take whatever profits, not matter how small it is. Then enter new positions. He later agreed when I told him it's better to "secure or lock" the profits and that will offset the new position should I enter market
at the wrong time.
That's a good plan Zainal, why am I so stupid?
Left at 4-30 am and went to Citibank to pay for my credit card bill only to find I left it at home. Heck, I have to be back tomorrow, payment due date is 31/10/1999. I'm such a lazy bastard again !...
Saturday 30/10/1999
Went to KL (again) this afternoon, weather was fine, cloudy.
Thought of doing some shopping but KotaRaya and Metro were packed,
end of the month I guess. Left after paying my Citibank bill and
spending quite some times at Central Market, I was amazed by some
handicraft works being displayed in conjunction with Deepavali
Festival.
Took a nap before Maghrib, then to PKNS Complex for some groceries.
Akak The and the family arrived at 8-00 pm, they wanted to stay overnight (Teh and Kak Teh are coming tomorrow) but a call by one of Abang The's client at 11-30 pm had us all disappointed.
Anyway, it was such a nice family gathering, we plan to go visit Ani (Taiping) next weekend. Hope Ida, Teh and their families will be there too. Must be fun.
* * * * * * *
And now ladies and gentlemen.....on with my life.....*LOL*...
I've been spending time trying to sort myself out so I am happy
and know where I am heading with my life. I will be the first to
admit I'm unhappy and have been for years. The unhappiness comes
from a lot of places but mostly I think it comes from being so
lonely.
Yawn.
And the fault for me being lonely lies squarely with me.
So I am the reason I am unhappy all the time. It's easy to say
that because I have known it for a long time. The problem now is
trying to resolve the situation, which is what I am working on now. If I am to be happy I have to
decide to be happy.
Sunday 31/10/1999
I was suppossed to go for that Khairat Kematian Seminar at DePalma Inn, Section 19 this morning but I woke up late. Went to bed quite early (last night) but after staring at the ceiling for almost 2 hours, I decided to do some reading. So I grabbed latest .net magazine
and managed to bring myself to sleep after a few pages. I think.
Teh, Kak Teh and their 2 kids (Adrianna and Balqis) arrived at 12 noon, we watched live telecast of Formula 1 (Japan) and had lunch.
I continued watching telly even after they left, there was one "good"
kid movie titled DragonWorld or something. Thought the movie was
filmed in Scotland, the castles and all looked so very familiar to me.
I particularly liked the storyline, too bad the film was meant for kids.
* * * * * *
Took a spin around Shah Alam, then to ITM (UTMara ? ). Was stopped by
one of the guards.
Oh, I'm so so sorry but I am a "part-time
lecturer" here, I'll get them to give me one of those car stickers
next week.
Ok, you're in.
....hehehe....
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