Life Of A Typical Malay - October 1999

Sunday 17/10/1999

My Sunday was spent watching telly, Formula 1 Race, live from Sepang. Eddie Irvine and Michael Schumacher (Ferarri) took the first 2 spots, Mika Hakkinen was third. A few hours later came a shocking announcement from International Racing Federation or something announcing Mika Hakkinen as the new champion, Irvine and Schumacher were disqualified.

Had tea with Jas (BHLB Unit Trust Agent) at Section 9, he explained the process of transferring EPF (Provident Fund) - too complicated, and asked him to do it for me; my EPF money is not that much anyway.

Did some reading tonight, one article about "success" caught my attention.

There is no short-cut to success, one has to work hard, be open and flexible in your mind, keep the challenge alive inside you, and through a whole lifetime be ready to learn new things and-of course-be mentally prepared for a hard punch on your nose-especially when you think you are doing well.

Monday 18/10/1999

Todd called this morning, well he sort of left a message on my voice mail. "Call me back, very important" .Heck, I couldn't find his number, I deleted it long time ago. Accidently, of course. Called Datuk (Todd's best friend) in Negeri Sembilan but he was out. Managed to get thru' to them in the late afternoon. Not that important matter anyway, Todd knows one VIP ( a single lady ) who is looking for someone to manage her construction projects, someone qualified to be her business partner, blah blah blah....

What made you think I.....

C'mon....be serious....I know you....

OK then, but don't speak too highly of me...*LOL*...you know, I always dive low...

Yeah, right. Errmmm....do you play golf?

Shit, I don't....

That's ok, I'll think of something else. Make yourself available this Saturday afternoon, I'll be in touch with you.

Spent the rest of the day working on my computer, checking reports and weather forecast (Brazil) for the next 4 days (rain in Belo Horizonte, Campinas, Irati, Londrina and Curitiba, thunderstorm possible in Sao Paolo and Campo Grande.......heck, I might as well change my name to Zainarldo....*LOL*...) and doing other personal stuff.

I always noticed that the more I try to do , the less I get done. Have you ever noticed that? I think the reason is that doing requires evaluation and activitiy on the physical level. The physical part of us is limited by perception and personality.

Our perceptions tell us what we can do, can't do, will do, won't do and what others will think, do and say about our "doing." Doing is an intelecctual exercise. . The more we value our intellect, the more we think we must do. The key is to stop doing and start being. We must accept our goodness right where we are and stop thinking of it as something we must wait to get.

Whatever it is you want to be is waiting for you. You can be healthy, organized, loved, prosperous, fulfilled, and free without "doing" anything. It begins with a single thought and a simple statement.....

Holy shit !!! Coffee tanked at the opening ! It gapped 8.40 lower and plunged to 91.00 in less than 5 minutes. Heavier than expected rain during the weekend was the reason, obviously.

Tuesday 19/10/1999

I always walk in the half-light.

And few people, if ever, touch my soul.

Or even bother to ask if it needs touching.

Ok, here goes...

Got a call from Kamal (I have a few friends by the name of Kamal) this morning, spent until noon on the phone. Kamal is a fairly normal guy. Maybe. He's married. We have been good buddies for a few years now and I think that we know more about each other than everyone else combined. It is funny that there are things that you can tell some people and not others, but there is always that one person of the same sex that you can tell anything. That's Kamal.

Nal, what are you waiting for? You are just wasting your time. You have money, self respect and all you need now is a good woman to keep you on the straight and narrow. You are a good guy, your heart is in the right place and I think in time, things will work out fine for you, I truly hope they do.....just don't be like half-empty glass....

Half empty? Half full? Does it matter? The question is really this: do I want to drink it?...

I *think* I'm smart...(oh, puhleeeezzzee...!!!...*LOL*..) but of course, my judgement is not always so sound, and so I may end up not using my brain. I like to think that I'm just a guy with a good heart...*LOL*... I have been brought up right and I hope that I find myself someone who respects that. If not, I will learn in the long run that most women don't really know what they want until you force them to see their own reality. But that is a discussion for another time......

Oh, I'm so tired and sick and I just want to surrender and not have to think about how I've screwed up my life and caused so many other people to think of my "so-called problems". There are no solutions to my problems, only more and more problems to bury me beneath.

And I don't have the strength to claw my way for air, much less to freedom.

I can not rely on someone saving me. Sleepless hours waiting for myself, waiting for me to be my own savior.

Wednesday 20/10/1999

Thought of working on my new homepage but up until now I still can't figure out how to transfer my files, or how to work using ftp program. Maybe it's not that ftp thing, maybe I have to write to www.register4free.com again, to tell them that my domain will be hosted by www. icom.com.InterNIC will not release my domain unless they get confirmation from www.register4free.com.

Hmmmm...I really don't know....looks like I'll be with www.angelfire.com for quite sometimes. That's ok with me, it's free anyway. And knowing the fact I have my own domain is good enough, www.akudia.com is mine and will always be mine.

My fingers were a bit itchy to do some modifications to my page but I couldn't concentrate and kept checking weather sites I gave up. This journal page has n o fancy graphics (well, almost no graphics at all). I'm keeping it all pretty simple. There're a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, I'm no artist. Second, I'm too lazy to mess around with neat design features. Thirdly, I like it like this. In the future, who knows, I may start playing with the look and feel. For now, this is what *we* get.

I entered market tonight, the first hour was ok, it was to my advantage. Suddenly, it dropped like a stone and I had no choice other than to lock my position.

Thursday 21/10/1999
Ok, let's talk "coffee"......

I've learned something in this recent coffee ride. Last week, when coffee hit 120.00 I only watched the ride in total disbelief. Because I dug my heals in too far, I missed the chance to collect the up, go short on the inevitable down and double all my money! My hindsight is 20/20 but I really need these reading glasses adjusted for present time! Meanwhile, I'm not going to beat myselve up too much.

An old saying goes, " Good deals, pretty girls, and buses come along every 5 minutes."

Is it really fundamentals vs technicals? Or, does one put both together? In my humble opinion the coffee market has more fundamentals than technicals which apply.

If technicals applied absolutely to the coffee market, Salomon Smith Barney's report on rain and "second flowerings" would have had no effect on the market yesterday. (2nd flowerings? not on any trees I have!)

This is manipulation at it's best. The first Mr. Rothschild pioneered the practice of using false information to get his prices up or down. A short study in the art of PR was very helpful to me .

My point is that I pay very close attention to the underlying supply and demand figures for this market. Maybe I'm working too hard. Maybe it is all in the charts. The question is: is it in the charts in retrospect, or in time to make some money from a trade?

Ok,I don't want to confuse the words conspiracy and manipulation, unless of course, I need conspiracy theories to have a good time! ....*LOL*...

I am not down or depressed. I am totally fascinated about how this whole thing works! If I learn to do the right things, I expect the money to follow.

I never paper traded but have learned so much these last 10 months or so. Paper trading would never never uncovered things like slippage, stress of being right and worrying about losing or being wrong and worrying about losing then too. Other psycological factors I never would have believe I was vunerable to have reared their ugly head. Fear and greed take on an entirely new meaning now. The words don't describe it anywhere near the way the emotion enscribes it.

Greed, you bet. Fear, you bet.

These are emotions I never thought applied to me like this. I have been tested in many different ways in my life but never have never faced - concurrently - the raw emotional dual edge of fear and greed.

How does one know the difference between pressing winners and being greedy?

Clearly, in the future I will be very satisfied with the kind of gains I made then lost in coffee. Setting profit targets surely would have helped. Take the profits. Regroup. Decide what to do next. Still be in the game to press ahead should that conscious decision be made. But protect profits as a way of protecting the account.

Bottom line is....

You can't have what you want until you want what you have. The universe is extremely responsive to our strongest thoughts and emotions. When we are unhappy. dissatisfied or unfulfilled, we give a great deal of energy to the condition we are in. We must realize that complaining about where we are or what we have is the best way to ensure things stay exactly as they are.

We will not attract better or do more until we respect and appreciate what we have now. When our needs and wants seemingly go unmet, we should remember what we do not need. If we consider that we have ended up with the shortest end of the stick, we should consider those who have no stick at all.

The only way to prove ourselves to the universal forces is to be grateful and appreciative of what we have now. When we are grateful for the minor, the powers that be carry us over to the grand.

 Ok, I'll remember that. I am grateful for now...the harder I work at what I should be, the less I'll try to hide what I am....oh god, I'm confused....*LOL*...




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