Life Of A Typical Malay - January 2000

Tuesday 18/1/2000

Well, it's been another few days. I sometimes feel like I'm neglecting this diary - but then I remember that I have a real life so it doesn't really matter. I was not feeling good last Saturday (15/1) I spent the whole day in bed, with running nose and all.

I felt a bit better on Sunday (16/1), had brunch at Concorde Hotel with Rick (that Australian guy) and left for Raub at 3-30 pm to see my parents.

Called Cikgu Amin later on in the evening and we had dinner together after Isyak. Gave him a bottle of ZamZam water and a packet of Najwa (dates).

Left for Shah Alam Monday (17/1) evening after visiting Mak Ngah and Mak Chu. Went to Raub District Office too to see Tajuddin and Shariff, PWD officers - we worked together before, many years ago, building that Raub District Hospital.

Market was closed that night, public holiday in the states, remembering Martin Luther King or something. That gave me the opportunity to do my things, to upload my journal and to do do some cleaning.

* * * * * * *

I've had a quite a few people mailing me recently worried about my state of mind given the past few diary entries - are they REALLY that bad? I guess I'm just not on top of the world at the moment, but I'm sure that with time, and a few other things, it will pass as quickly as it came on.

I wouldn't, though, say that I'm as "low" as this journal makes out, I'm still functioning as normally as ever, just at a slightly slower pace.

See, my life is "interestingly dull".

The reasons are pretty clear in my mind, so it's not as if it's a passing phase brought about for no good reason, I know the reasons, I just can't change them - so I will have to learn to deal with things. Not as easy at it sounds.

And after a bit of rethinking, I think I'm finally starting to feel better about things. I just have to get on with my life, no matter what other people may do in and around it. My life is good, I am a good, decent, honest and genuine person, and I shouldn't let the actions of others make me think otherwise.

I'm also feeling rather frustrated at the moment. I know I have a good circle of friends,I'm still feeling frustrated though.I'm still annoyed with people who promise to get in touch and then don't bother (and no, not in those circumstances, just in normal circumstances) - I'd rather someone said "no" than said nothing at all.I really would. Perhaps it's just a temporary thing stemming from other frustrations, or perhaps I have to realised that I'm one of those annoying people who will never be satisfied.

Wednesday 19/1/2000

I woke up completely and utterly exhausted this morning and I have no reason why. So I spent the day in bed and finally surfaced at around 1:30 in the afternoon.

Went to Delapan Cafe after that, as usual, and chatted with Meda and Kamal . I wasn't very impressed by Meda's new office, not what I was expecting. I mean, he's very good in interior design but the layout of that office made it look awful, and with so many paintings on the wall for a moment I thought I was visiting a gallery or something.

Had dinner at Sport Cafe, Section 9, by myself as usual, but it was a great meal. Reached the office about 5 minutes late, coffee is a big failure I think. It has been playing sideways for weeks now. Bears and bulls are still playing tug-of-war.

Drove to KL after work this morning and together with Kumar we went to the new cafe opposite Estana, the first time I've been there but I'll go back some time, even though it is a bit on the expensive side.

Thursday 20/1/2000

Some (beep) stole some mail from my mail box today. I know they did because when I came home from work this morning, there was mail sticking out of the box, but I didn't collect it. When I left for work tonight, the mail was gone. (Beep)

Had a strange day today as I had to put my car in for a service and so I spent the time wondering around Section 2. Got bored with that after 5 minutes so I went to PKNS Complex. Did not buy anything though.

I went to Shah Alam Mall this evening and I was recognized by one of the girls who worked in the deli on the ground floor. She used to work at one Seven-Eleven in KL but moved to the new store out this way. The interesting thing about this is why she recognized me. It was not my looks or my dress but my voice. I must have a distinctive voice and never knew it....ahhh...

Friday 21/1/2000

Sorry Zamri, sorry Bahrim, sorry Hamdan. What a tube I was. The three of them called me a couple of days ago and we promised to go rayaing at Hamdan's on Thaipusam Day at about 10-00 am. So this morning (at 6-30 am) I had my alarm set at 8-30 am. And I swear I did not hear anything, not until 10 something when they kept ringing me but it was already late. Zamri and Bahrim proceeded to Hamdan's without me.

We had a meeting today after market hours, we unanimously agreed to have a Raya gathering on Monday 31/1/2000 at about 8-00 pm. We also agreed to invite traders from the office in Cheras, the only problem is that they are all Chinese so we have to prepare some Chinese foods. I was asked to bring some Malay kueh.

Chatted with that new group of traders, mostly about coffee market. (We are, for some very strange reasons, not encouraged to mingle with other groups). No one ever tried to talk to them before, Kak Siti asked me to go break the ice.

It was me who made the first move, but only with the encouragement of her made me do it. This has made me realize that I need someone else in my life to make me do the things I should be doing.

They call themselves "Bald Billionaires Club" - all of them sport G.I look but that "billionaires" word; a bit too ambitious I think.

Nice to chat with you, er....what was your name again? Zainal, right? You always look "serious" but you are not that difficult to get along with after all.

Oh puuhhhleeezzeeee!!!!...

Guys, you know what? I'm very easy to talk to. People always assume I'm a snot the first time they see me, but their perception changes drastically. I'm really very decent.

*Yawn*

I know that for a fact because I force my friends to spill what they thought of me. For most people, they say,

"Nal, when I first saw you, by your facial expression and how you acted, I thought you were a snotty guy who thinks he is better than anyone else. But now, I think you're normal. Strange, but normal."

When I asked them whether they thought I was a daft, they answered,

"No. I just thought you were a (beep), that's all."

Saturday 22/1/2000
5:35 pm -

I've been sitting in the relative silence of the living room today, aware of how the sun would bear down on me if I spent much outside.

I look about my basic, cream-coloured room and realize I'm feeling a small amount of withdrawal, at least from the information feeds of my real life, if not from the actual personal contacts. My conclusion has been that I need to live that life, so this should come as a consolation. But there's so much work to do on feeling as if I really belong among the normal.

I suppose I'm self-conscious and imagine that I am at once betrayed by an underdeveloped personality, the minute I attempt to belong to them.

I picture the reaction of those others, as they accept me just to be nice but do not take me seriously. Acceptability-in-part may not be the best of deals in life, but the count your blessings types would look at me and say, you have a lot to be thankful for. Then, they head off to their own dealings, with their fully-equipped personalities, brimming with common sense and common decency.

I sometimes wonder if I do them much good, hanging around. I must be reminding them of the last, small details they've been too busy to achieve. It is time to count as rubbish what I have that is not love. With my current priorities, that's a terribly low place to begin, and a decidedly humiliating posture to assume.

Since I so often flee to this solitude out of contempt for my failings in the real world, and with a sense that I shall never cope fully with its pressures, I don't think I do much towards loving myself here.

Anyway...

I come, then, to the hard realization that it is my place to perform as the normal will let me, and not entertain bitterness or resentment because of my failings. If I must walk among them a broken man; a travesty of what I might claim to be, absorbing their rejections and scorn until my death, then I will have lived as I should have.

I often find myself pleading with God, looking for a loophole in this reality.

"Surely, You can find me a place to be, among that society, where it isn't so hard, can't You? And I don't have to be there very often, do I?"

But I see the stiff appearance of love's requirements as unflinching and non-negotiable. More to my dismay, however, I know that so long as I perceive it thus, I shall not have it. The truth; that I think I do not fit in this society in that way, will indeed make me free. Knowing is one thing, feeling is quite another.

And I know very well, I can't just sit here doing nothing and hope for things to happen. I have to make things happen. And pray. Knowing the fact that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

* * * * * * *

Saturday 29/1/2000
Well, I can't think of anything else to say at this very moment. There's nothing really going on with my life, as my life basically revolves around work and ....yes, that's it... Although I did have an interesting Saturday night. I went rayaing at Zamri's in Puchong. Bahrim was there too, too bad Hamdan coudn't make it. We had a blast, food was good too and we left after midnight.

Friendships are a funny thing really.(Oh, I have something to say after all...*LOL*..) There are people that you think will always be there for you, but when it comes down to the grind, they disappear.

Then there's the people that you think you're only acquaintences with, but when something's wrong, they're the ones that are there for you. Those people amaze me.

I've seen people do that, and I just think, 'Why are they doing that? They've never done anything for them...'

Maybe some people are just of kinder heart than others. The thing that amazes me more is their sincerity. Their willingness to help isn't fake, and they have no ulterior motive other than to help. I really admire those people.

I hope that one day I'll be as good a person as them. I know that right now I'm not, and I freely admit that. But there's always room to improve yourself; that's one of the many things I'll have to work on. Of course.

Anyway, I'm tired. I've been staring at the screen the whole day and I swear I have moved around so little my ass has grown in just the past couple of days from sitting around so much.

I need to read newspaper, take a shower or something. Perhaps I need to update my charts, check past reports etc etc...
Sunday 30/1/2000
Dollah called yesterday asking me to be in Temerloh today for Majid's wedding. So, this morning at about 7-30 am I was already on the highway, bleary-eyed. Stopped at Genting Sempah R&R Complex for breakfast.

Din (Majid's brother) called when I was somewhere in Mentakab. Wanted to buy present but couldn't find anything worth buying (?) so I sped off to their house.

The khenduri was not that grand, it rained non stop, I only spent about half an hour there.

Chatted with some kampung folks, mostly about our victory in the last general election. PAS won the state seat (Semantan) for the very first time in history. We lost Temerloh parliamentary seat (by less than 300 votes) though.

Was at Dollah's until 3-00 pm, gave him a bottle of zamzam water, najwa and a few packets of dried liver (camel) .

Kau nih, bila nak kawin? Takkan pergi Umrah jer...kawinlah dulu...

Terasa hati aku....That word "Takkan".....

[Ok, there's no English word for takkan but what he meant was that, I "shouldn't" go for Umrah over and over again, settle down and get married first...]

I wanted to go straight home to Shah Alam but I ended up driving about 100 km to the west to see my parents. They were a bit surprised to see me home. I should have called them first.

Went to the town (Raub) with the hope of meeting Cikgu Amin at the mosque but he was not there, so I spent the time between Maghrib and Isyak watching news on telly at one of the stalls we usually frequent over a cup of tea.
Monday 31/1/2000
I'm not going into details, I'm not even going to discuss about what made today such a day.

Ok, here's a hint...

Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mak Chu and Pak Chu at their house this morning before I left for Shah Alam.

Think about it Nal...That what my mom said to me when I was about to kiss her goodbye.

Take this money, mom...I was lost for words.

Right, this is another hint. Not a good one though.

I'm going to watch Jerry McGuire again tonight, after work.

What? You still don't get it? That's perfectly ok with me... infact I'm still, at this moment in time, digesting the news. Not to worry (?) though, soon you'll know what am I talking about. Besides, this is my life I'm writing about. So, stop worrying about me, people; you've got your own life to worry about.

Yep, another hint...

It's about "bells".

What about bells? Jingle bells? Wedding bells?

Cakpong...Cakpong...

Oh, the clock is ticking...



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