So, do you live around here
often?"---Steven Wright
Referring to a glass of water:
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't
trust anybody!---Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He
said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas
to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And
see this thing? This steers it."---Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo
Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking
down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better...---Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post
card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from
space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."---Steven Wright
A man committed suicide by overdosing
on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of
dust.---Steven Wright
A metaphor is like a simile.---Steven
Wright
A while ago, I went skiing in England.
It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in
Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes,
I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy
I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without
saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You
know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten
years." I said, "Why did you take such a long
time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to
know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you
better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total
stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I
remember you."---Steven Wright
After they make styrofoam, what do
they ship it in?---Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are
insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for
ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store... With a pricing gun... She said,
"Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."---Steven
Wright
All the plants in my house are dead --
I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering
them with ice cubes.---Steven Wright
Are there any questions?---Steven
Wright
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you
have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than
you can.---Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I
still see them at the beach... it irritates me! I'll go
over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing
here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"---Steven Wright
Called a blind date to set up a
meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one
driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never
found her, but when I got home my place was
robbed.---Steven Wright
Called a blind date to set up a
meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in
the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one
drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places. We never met.---Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you
live in a small country.---Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a
while I was a suspect.---Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked
George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
quarter?---Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house.
I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just
so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels
real."---Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of
snakes.---Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting
for permanent press? I don't get it...---Steven
Wright
Every day, the hummingbird eats its
own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the
food. It doesn't. It just eats another
hummingbird.---Steven Wright
Every so often, I like to stick my
head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture.---Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you
have the time.---Steven Wright
Factorials were someone's attempt to
make math look exciting.---Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car... I
had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied
it to a lamp post and left it running... slow glance
upward---Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and
a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let
them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax,
and now my room is all shiny.---Steven Wright
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent
her a singing mammogram.---Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was
yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...
No, I don't.---Steven Wright
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I
started talking to a French looking girl. She was a
bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two
different languages.---Steven Wright
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and
wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a
good, say, 10 or 12-D.---Steven Wright
He asked me if I knew what time it
was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."---Steven
Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know
how he made all of his money? He designed the little
diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
in.---Steven Wright
Horses just naturally have Mohawk
haircuts.---Steven Wright
How young can you die of old
age?---Steven Wright
I accidentally installed the deer
whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm
chased by a herd of deer.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It
was on someone else's property.---Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day... I
named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here,
Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German
Shepherd.---Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way
dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.---Steven
Wright
I bought a portable cable TV.---Steven
Wright
I bought a self learning record to
learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the
record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.---Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for
Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told
them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know when to stop unwrapping.---Steven Wright
I bought one of those little glass
ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it
upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow.
I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in
rows.---Steven Wright
Later: I bought one of those
little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just
checking.---Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I
don't know what to add to it.---Steven Wright
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.
It wasn't the kind that folds.---Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me
five.---Steven Wright
I can levitate birds. No one
cares.---Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to
go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to
sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end
of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My
mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you
to go to sleep."---Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like
this.---Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to
the remote control.---Steven Wright
I decided to leave and go to
California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two
blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on
an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began
hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of
those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I
climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The
guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't
you get into one of the cars out back." So I did.
And he was really into picking people up because he
picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went
90 miles per hour and we all got speeding
tickets.---Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the
other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see
anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.---Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone
ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't
hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go
like this ((()))((()))(((. I go down to the pet store --
"Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."---Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said,
"In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote
"Doctor"... What's my mother going to
do?---Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid
of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was
doing.---Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my
phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up,
they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave
messages before the beep.---Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't
know when I'll use it.---Steven Wright
I got into an elevator at work and
this man followed in after me... I pushed "1"
and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you
going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed
Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two
tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I
looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind
of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his
car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the
phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it
up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said,
"Is this Steven Wright?"... I said,
"Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones,
the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to
the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would
appreciate it if you never called me
again."---Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken
out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the
cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly... and says, "Here, you can
go."---Steven Wright
I got tired of calling the movies to
listen to what is playing so I bought the album.---Steven
Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find
my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello,
Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the
couch." And they were!---Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the victims of
The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!---Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When
he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one
car.---Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in
Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.---Steven
Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking
down the street when suddenly the prescription ran
out.---Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a
while... the tires got dizzy.---Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep
during the day because that means it's going to be up all
night.---Steven Wright
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of
his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a
midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who
poses for trophies.---Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States...
Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile."
I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size
map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me
where I live, and I say, "E6".---Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my
house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire
for the evening in two minutes.---Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll
call when I'm out."---Steven Wright
I have the oldest typewriter in the
world. It types in pencil.---Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection
of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the
world... Perhaps you've seen it.---Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs. One
is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The
other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up
a child.---Steven Wright
I heard that in relativity theory
space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered
this when he kept showing up three miles late for his
meetings.---Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my
car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me
stop, and I'm gone.---Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my
apartment.... The people who live above me are
furious!---Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension
cord.---Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was
in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew
across the room.---Steven Wright
I like this new idea of voodoo
acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk
down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
I like to fill my tub up with water,
then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine
that's been hit.---Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name
the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On
Fire.---Steven Wright
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When
they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far
did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put
on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."---Steven
Wright
I like to reminisce with people I
don't know.---Steven Wright
I like to skate on the other side of
the ice.---Steven Wright
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5",
but I can't find the first four anywhere.---Steven Wright
I looked out my apartment window, and
I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying,
"I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's
your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this
stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer
there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it
certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was
just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs?
Sorry."---Steven Wright
I lost a button hole today.---Steven
Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak
out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I
say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."---Steven Wright
I made wine out of raisins so I
wouldn't have to wait for it to age.---Steven Wright
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.
She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the
escalator.---Steven Wright
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not
having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I once tried to commit suicide by
jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last
minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two
little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to
the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."---Steven Wright
I owed my friend George $25. For about
three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the
money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New
York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said,
"Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a
minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars
I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars
out of his own money and he gave it to George. At
gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from
George.---Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I
can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick
it out the window. I've been arrested three times for
practicing.---Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the
blender used to be. I called someone. They went
"Aaaaahhhh..."---Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but
forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles
per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.---Steven
Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.
They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one
out and he ran around in circles.---Steven Wright
I put hardwood floors on top of
wall-to-wall carpet.---Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave
oven and almost went back in time.---Steven Wright
I put my air conditioner in backwards.
It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused.
"It was supposed to be hot today."---Steven
Wright
I put tape on the mirrors in my house
so I don't accidentally walk through into another
dimension.---Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned
down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy
Birthday".
I replaced the headlights in my car
with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one
moving.---Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour
Banking", but I don't have that much time.---Steven
Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other
day... He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me?"
I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone
has no five on it." He said, "How long have you
had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar
has no sevens on it."---Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a
real foot.---Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said
"Help Wanted." There was another sign below it
that said "Self Service." So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.---Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25
Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.---Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and
asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with
purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.---Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising
executive, but only for a second.---Steven Wright
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I
didn't hear it.---Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's
gone now.---Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last
night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I took a baby shower.---Steven Wright
I used to be a bartender at the Betty
Ford Clinic.---Steven Wright
I used to be a narrator for bad
mimes.---Steven Wright
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired
for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I
had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an
outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at
3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I
told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want
to get dirty.---Steven Wright
I used to be an airline pilot. I got
fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They
caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a
coathanger.---Steven Wright
I used to own an ant farm but had to
give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit
it.---Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant
factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.---Steven Wright
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my
entire body, only 2" taller.---Steven Wright
I was arrested for selling
illegal-sized paper.---Steven Wright
I was born by Cesarean section... But
not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.---Steven Wright
I was cleaning out my closet and I
found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I
remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the
swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came
back.---Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got
stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed
limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but
I wasn't going to be out that long..."---Steven
Wright
I was going to commit suicide the
other day, but I must not have been serious because I
brought a beach towel.---Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto
a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all
of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all
blank."---Steven Wright
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a
hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going
that far."
I was in a job interview and I opened
a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy,
"Let me ask you a question. If you are in a
spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and
you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't
want your job."---Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead
of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're
surrounded."---Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a
sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I
went outside and saw a sign that said "compact
cars".---Steven Wright
I was once arrested for walking in
someone else's sleep.---Steven Wright
I was once walking through the forest
alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't
hear it.---Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I
thought it was a poem about everything.---Steven Wright
I was skydiving horizontally.---Steven
Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind
kept wandering.---Steven Wright
I was walking down the street and saw
a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found,
just keep it."---Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my
92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown.
They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored
another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game
he was watching was better.---Steven Wright
I washed mud, off of mud.---Steven
Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was
thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to
go so fast.---Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus
tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up.
People complained because they couldn't see the
lake.---Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour
grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front
door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."---Steven Wright
I went into a clothes store the other
day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I
help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got
anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do
we have anything you like?" I said, "You
started this."---Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next
to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey,
you have two different colored socks on." I said,
"Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I
go by thickness."---Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4
and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four."---Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They
wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.---Steven
Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves
"breakfast at any time." So I ordered French
Toast during the Renaissance.---Steven Wright
I went to court for a parking ticket.
I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would
anyone in their right mind park in the passing
lane?"---Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow
a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said,
"I'm going to buy some sugar."---Steven Wright
I went to the cinema, and the prices
were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give
me two boys and a girl."---Steven Wright
I went to the eye doctor and found out
I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up
contact lenses.---Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and
bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I
also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So
I had to buy them again.---Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had
all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all
the other museums.---Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night
that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an
Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to
it.---Steven Wright
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber
company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4
inch thick. We made paneling.---Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once.
A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can
I take a bath without getting wet?"---Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... Not
on purpose.---Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music
so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be
listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."---Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about
my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her
When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring."---Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night
trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went
out and painted passing lines on curved roads.---Steven
Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if
you have any boxes...---Steven Wright
I'm so hyper... said with a very
dull voice---Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page
numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the
rest.---Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized
autobiography.---Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract
painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,
no canvas, I just think about it.---Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, so I
don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm
sorry, I haven't seen it all month."---Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were
misspelled, how would we know?---Steven Wright
If all the nations in the world are in
debt, where did all the money go?---Steven Wright
If the pen is mightier than the sword,
in a duel I'll let you have the pen!---Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side
down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if
you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop
it?---Steven Wright
(If you can't hear me, it's because
I'm in parentheses.)---Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave
back?---Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?---Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.---Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument
with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered
to be an odd number.---Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have
paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go
upstairs.---Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch
that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it
on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it
out."---Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just
me?---Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the
room is, it's always room temperature.---Steven Wright
It takes money to make money because
you have to copy the design exactly.---Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an
evening.---Steven Wright
It's a good apartment because they
allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last
summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis
accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail.
Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family
picnics.---Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity, or
else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused.---Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't
want to have to paint it.---Steven Wright
Last night, I walked up to this
beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing
two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but
to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said,
"Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and
you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean
too far and you almost fall over but at the last second
you catch yourself? I feel like that all the
time."---Steven Wright
Last time I went skiing, I had to get
up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so
I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the
morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the
house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove
to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of
this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.---Steven
Wright
Last time I went to the movies I was
thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that
the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.---Steven Wright
Last week I bought a new phone. I took
it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed
redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.---Steven
Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador
Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other
fish.---Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country.
We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had
one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I
don't remember what it was.---Steven Wright
Lots of comedians have people they try
to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to
get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was
doing.---Steven Wright
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35,
... "So, do you live around here
often?"---Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every
time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while
waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.---Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.
He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years
old.---Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording
all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he
meant.---Steven Wright
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.
I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on
the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch
it was to think about sandpaper.---Steven Wright
My girlfriend asked me how long I was
going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole
time."---Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with
white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write
misspelled words on them.---Steven Wright
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke
me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell
exactly when and how you were going to die, would you
want to know?" "Heck no," I said,
"Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to
sleep..."---Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It
doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very
accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess
what he told me.---Steven Wright
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.
It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story
short ...---Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so
when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over
my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.---Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a
highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave
the driveway doing 60 MPH.---Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway...
he can't get out.---Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then
it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.---Steven
Wright
My school colors were clear. We used
to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the
band."---Steven Wright
My watch is three hours fast, and I
can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.---Steven
Wright
Now I'm going to tell you about the
girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York.
She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the
escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very
pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid
hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in
Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and
I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she
thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from
somewhere else. And her father is an incredible
millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to
show you which way to put the batteries in
something.---Steven Wright
On the other hand... You have
different fingers.---Steven Wright
One day I got on the usual bus, and
when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese
girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day,
isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst
today and he says I have a problem." So I asked,
"What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said,
"Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a
perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well,
my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish
cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said,
"Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."---Steven Wright
One night I came home very late. It
was the next night.---Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and
fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were
showing up on TV's all over the world.---Steven Wright
One night a jet flew a little bit too
close to my house. I was walking from the living room to
the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit
down.---Steven Wright
One time I went to a drive-in in a
taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.---Steven Wright
One time I went to a museum where all
the work in the museum had been done by children. They
had all the paintings up on refrigerators.---Steven
Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for
running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the
stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."---Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my
house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my
way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of
my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house.---Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja
vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.---Steven Wright
So I figured I'd leave the area,
because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I
was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't
into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I
told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth
certificate has an expiration date.---Steven Wright
Some people think George is weird,
because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George
is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on
them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks
under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.---Steven
Wright
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time
my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I
couldn't pay for it.---Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just
kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if
that didn't happen.---Steven Wright
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch
them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...---Steven Wright
The brain is a wonderful organ; it
starts working the moment you get up in the morning and
doesn't stop until you get to work.---Steven Wright
The doctor says he has to amputate all
of me.---Steven Wright
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood
plays "Helter Skelter."---Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you
plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing
lane?"---Steven Wright
The only thing houseflies fear more
than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.---Steven
Wright
The other day when I was walking
through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a
candle making shadows of people on a tree.---Steven
Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog
around my building... on the ledge. Some people are
afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.---Steven
Wright
The other night I came home late, and
tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the
house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I
lived. I said, "Right here, officer". Later, I
parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the
cars, "Get out of my driveway!"---Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight
savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two
shadows.---Steven Wright
Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And
I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking
chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over
backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?
That's how I feel all the time.'---Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a
department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on
the escalators.---Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing
and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.---Steven
Wright
There's a pizza place near where I
live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a
guy tossing a triangle in the air.---Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that
close to drowning... picks up his glass of water from
the stool... I like to live on the edge...---Steven
Wright
This is my impression of a bowling
ball... drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...
gutter...---Steven Wright
This isn't all true.---Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes'
mirrors.---Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number... The
other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,
"Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months
old." I said, "I'll wait."---Steven Wright
Today I was arrested for scalping low
numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.---Steven
Wright
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are
needed to make carbon paper.---Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day
at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each
other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty
years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the
same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.
One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What
did you think?"---Steven Wright
Under my bed I have shoe box full of
telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just
a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all
over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I
had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I
didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone
-- it had no number 5 on it.---Steven Wright
We were in Salino, Utah when we were
arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded
"maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time
it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."---Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?---Steven
Wright
What's another word for
Thesaurus?---Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to
science fiction.---Steven Wright
When I get bored I go to a
Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.---Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive
downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car
and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I
came back the entire area was missing.---Steven Wright
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre.
It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket.
You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the
previous Friday... That way you still have the
weekend.---Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one
of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run
around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him
he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.---Steven
Wright
When I was a baby, I kept a diary.
Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 --
Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me
like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second
birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age
doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time
I'm six, I'll be ninety.---Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store
and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train
schedules?"---Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand
box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...
eventually.---Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into
Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said,
"Well, what do you need?"---Steven Wright
When I was eight, I played Little
League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight
across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a direct line. I took
advantage of that knowledge.---Steven Wright
When I was five years old I was on a
merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses
stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple wooden horse.---Steven Wright
When I was in high school, I got in
trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want
my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle
of August? Cool!"
When I was little, my grandfather used
to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without
moving. He said it was elevator practice.---Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my
girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."---Steven
Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged
on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly
the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do I know you?"---Steven Wright
Why doesn't the fattest man in the
world become a hockey goalie?---Steven Wright
Why is it, "A penny for your
thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents
in?" Somebody's making a penny.---Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is
it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song
wrote everything.---Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran
on static electricity... If you wanted to run the
blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you
wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real
quick.---Steven Wright
Winny would spend all of his time
practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a
rug.---Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em... can't
shoot 'em.---Steven Wright
Wrote my own communications software
in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My
computer keeps calling itself.---Steven Wright
Years ago, I worked in a natural,
organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day
a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice,
can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I
was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.---Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would
you put it?---Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading
a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And
all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like
that all the time.---Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're walking
up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think
there's one more step? I'm like that all the
time.---Steven Wright
