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(Proofread carefully to see if I any words out.)
(Copywight 1999, Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.)



You know what I hate about being schizophrenic?
What?
That I can never complete a...
Yes, you can.
No, I...
You can.
Sorry I brought it up.
OK.

Having Surgery?
1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.'
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean, "You want a divorce?"
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ... (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

What is the difference between God and a doctor?
God knows that he is not a doctor.

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

"I just can't find the cause for your illness," said the internist at the college clinic. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"That's OK Doc. I understand," replied the student. "I'll come back when you're sober."

The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns --you only think you're covered.

>

HMO Orientation

Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?,
A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.

Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A - No. Only those you need.

Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.

Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait till you return and then get sick.

Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists s/he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?

Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
Warning Signs That You Need a New Doctor

- The patient before you was a goat.
- Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
- He has an assistant named Igor.
- The local bar association named him "client of the year."
- Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
- During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
- Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
- He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
- You can beat him in a game of Operation.
- All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it- Yourself Series".
- He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"About $6,000

Dentist: Good grief! You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen-the biggest cavity I've ever seen.Patient: You don't have to repeat it, doc! Dentist: I didn't-that was the echo.

Somewhere on file there must be a mandatory rule that states that all
ER patients must wait a minimum of one hour in the waiting room
(unless they are clearly dying or squirting blood all over the place).

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof * the light goesoff?'" Becky replied, "The darn fool!.... He's peeing in the fridge again!"

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Patient - "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

Your proctologist called. They think they've found your head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses,  a snazzy
French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

   At a health food store a man asked for an all-around herbal  combination.  The owner recommended one he said he'd sold for  over sixty years.    Dubious, the fellow takes the bottle to the cashier, a really stunning young blonde.  As he was paying, he asked, "Has your
  boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years ?  He looks   to be a lot younger than I am."
    "Can't really say Sir." replied the blonde.  "I've only been   with him about forty years now."

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health - when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?

One day a doctor, a farmer, and the president of an HMO arrive at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter hesitates, because heaven is getting kind of full.  Finally he tells the doctor, "You may come in, for you have taken care of the sick in their time of need."  Then he turns to the farmer and says, "And you, too, may enter, for you have grown food to nourish your fellow man." Then St. Peter turns to the HMO executive.  "Well, I guess you can come in too--but only for three days."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

Finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart
This week is National Anxiety Week. I don't know why, but for some reason that makes me nervous.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings about that.

Exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever I say it, I immediately wash out my mouth with chocolate!

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Do you think that if we had Prozac back then, it could have prevented the Great Depression?

I once went to a shrink. He told me to speak freely. I did. Then the darn fool tried to charge me $90 an hour.

So what is this "biotic"? And why are people against it?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

II'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

If you ever go to the Mayo Clinic, don't ask them for mayonnaise, because, buddy, they've heard that one a million times.  However, you might try your luck with the ol' "pull-my-finger" gag.  --J.P. Styskal

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they
get a four legged chicken with it's own barcode?

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"Eventually" said the Doctor "she will rise and shine!"

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."

P: Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
D: Why's that?
P: My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

P: Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
D: Certainly - how about a paper bag?

P: Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
D: Next, please!

P: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
D: Pull yourself together!

P: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
D: What's come over you?
P: Two cars and a bus!

P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
D: Sit there and don't stir.

P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
D: I'll deal with you later.

P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
D: One at a time, please.

P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
D: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
P: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

P: Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
D: When did it happen?
P: When did what happen?

P: Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
D: Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

ADENOIDS: Space creatures whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
ANASTHESIA: Rushun princez y'all studyed in skool.
ANTACID: Haloosinagenic drugs uzed by little bugs.
ARTERY: Whut the plastik Jesus on yer dashboard is.
BOWEL: A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U.
BRONCHITIS: Dinosour frum the plastikseen age.
CAT SCAN: Lookin' fer chicks.
CAUTERIZE: Makin' eye contak with a chick.
D&C: Washingtun--whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress peepul live.
ENEMA: Sumone who ain't no frend.
FESTER: Yer unkles name.
GENITAL: Hed of a army--fer instanz, Genital Robert E. Lee.
G.I.SERIES: Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
HYPODERMIC: Big, fat zoo crittur.
PAP SMEAR: When peepul sez nasti things abowt yer pappy.
RECOVERY: Whar yew fix up yer fernitur.
RECTUM: Whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk.
SEIZURE: Emperore of Rome.
TESTICLES: Books of the bible.
TUMOR: Number of beers yew can drink after last call.
URINE: Opposyte of yer out
BARIUM: what you do with dead chemists.

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness after surgery:

Science, Medicine, & Moronity"

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and theabominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax containsthe heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow in steadof the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken outand the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tendstowards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and natureabhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Medical Advice
Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents. People who, by their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents. Thus, the surly bird gets the germ.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

WHAT DOCTORS REALLY MEAN:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.

"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

A guy walks in to an ear doctor's office, "Doc, I can't hear a thing out of my right ear". The doctor says, "Let me get my otoscope and have a look".
He gets his ear light and looks in the guys ear, and then somewhat bewildered and scratching his head, he says, "Man you have a suppository in your ear". SUPPOSITORY exclaimed the man, "Thank God", now I know where my hearing aid is.

The two doctors found their new patient in a strong perspiration, and both their hands under the bed-clothes in order to feel his pulse, but, by accident, got hold of each other's hand.
"Nothing serious," said one doctor.
"He's probably drunk," said the other doctor.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Medical Professor - "What would you do in the case of a person easting poisonous mushrooms?"
Student - "Recommend a change of diet."

Doctor - "Well, Mr. Jones, how are you feeling this morning?"
Jones - "Much better, thank you. The only thing that troubles me is my breathing."
Doctor - "Um - yes. We must see if we can't do something to stop that."

Patient - "What shall I do? I have water on the knee."
Doctor - "Wear pumps."

In the back woods of West Virginia, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The man scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO......

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

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