At one point in my life when I was nine years old, I became suicidal. I did everything to try to kill myself...I have scars from where I slit my wrists, I have a scar from where I cut vein to vein from my wrist to the vein by my elbow, I held a loaded gun with the safety off to my head, I have a scar on my chest from where I tried to push a knife into my heart, I have a scar on my neck somewhere; from where I tried to slit my throat, and I have a scar on my stomach from where I tried to gash it open. (Most of the scars have faded now, but you can still tell that something happened in those places.) I did many other things to try to end my life, but those are most of the main things that I managed to do.
I didn't want to live, I longed to die, I was paranoid of everything, I had no self-esteem, and I felt alone. I thought that there was nothing for me in life at all...I thought I had no place in this world. I thought no one loved me and everyone hated me-like my family and friends. I spent most of my time in my room crying or just sitting there. (I've gotten to the point where my left eye blinks faster than the other one, from crying so much. It's always been like that, but now it's more noticeable. Usually people don't realize it until I say something about it. I think it's rather funny though.) I never wanted to do anything with friends or family anymore. Just to be alone was all I wanted.
I started to listen to The Offspring when they first came out with an actual CD. I was nine years old and that's when I started to be suicidal. (My first Offspring CD was Ignition in 1992. The Offspring (self-titled) was released on vinyl only in 1989...so, that made it hard for me to get because I didn't have a record player. But, I managed to here it somehow. Then, I bought The Offspring when it was re-released on CD in 1995.) Just listening to the lyrics and all made me think a little about what I was doing...it didn't make me stop though. I kept on trying to commit suicide.
As The Offspring came out with more albums, I was really touched to hear some of the lyrics that Dexter wrote. There were many songs and if not songs, just lyrics written where it sounded like they were talking right to me. As if they knew exactly how I was feeling and what I was going through. I was amazed by that. From then on, they have been my favorite band and always will be!
One time, I slit my wrist deeper than I had ever done before. I was in my bathroom and I put the knife down and I sat on the floor sobbing uncontrollably as blood poured from my wrist. I started to loose my vision and my breathe got shorter and shorter. I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was and felt so confused. I sat up and put pressure on my wrist and the blood flow stopped to a good point. If I hadn't have done that...I wouldn't be alive right now.
It had been a while since I had tried to kill myself again after that. My parents eventually found out that I was suicidal. That was the most awful feeling in the world...I'm sure it was for my parents also. The only thing they knew of me doing was slitting my wrists, nothing else thank goodness. They were really upset like emotionally; as was I, and they thought that it was something they had done to make my try to kill myself and I explained that it wasn't. My mom talked to me one day and my dad another. I was faced with having to go to a psychiatrist. But, I do go to consuling. Luckily, I didn't have to.
I finally came to my senses and realized that I did have a place in life, that I was put here to do something, that people did love me-family and friends, and no one hated me. I gained some self-esteem and I'm still working on gaining more. I'm still extremely paranoid over things though. I usually don't and can't hold sharp objects that much and if I do, I shake a great amount. So, it makes it really hard to use a knife or anything like that for useful reasons. Most of the time when I talk about my experience of being suicidal, I cry and my voice shakes.
Being suicidal was the dumbest thing that I've ever done in my whole life and always will be! I admit that there are still times when I do get the tendencies to commit suicide again, but I never actually do it. I'm probably the most emotional person you'll ever meet...I cry at least two to four times a day. Sometimes over nothing at all. I can't help it. That's just the way I was made.
Basically, what I got out of all this was a favorite band who I love, respect, who are my personal heroes, and they mean the world to me-The Offspring; out of Orange County, California. With four incredibly wonderful and talented guys-Bryan Keith "Dexter" Holland, Kevin "Noodles" Wassermann, Greg "K." Kriesel, and Ron Welty...having them inspire me enough to where I stopped being suicidal. Having Noodles and Greg K. inspire me to play the guitar, Ron Welty inspire me to play some kind of percussion-piano is what I got, and Dexter inspire me to write and sing my heart out...and everything else they've given me! I have so much respect and love towards The Offspring! They are my strength to go on in everyday I live. All and all, I'm so glad that everything happened like this. I love you guys for life!
I haven't gotten a chance to meet them yet, but I know when I do...I'll be sure to thank them for everything they've done for me!