| F O U R |- The Shortcut.
Inside the club, everyone is wearing black. Some girls are dancing like they're doing the Limbo, some seem to stir magical dust in the air in front of them. The guys have all sorts of things stuck down their pants. I see one with an entire CD collection in there and another with a whole set of steak knives. I get the distinct feeling that I do not belong here. Liz is holding a mixed drink with her wrist bent and her little finger sticking out leaning in the doorway like a vaguely disinterested tragedy talking to a guy who has an electric guitar sticking out of the top of his pants. Liz is pretty cute. Another guy who has an Anne Rice novel sticking out of the top of his pants goes up to her and she ignores the other guy who starts playing his guitar badly to get her attention. She starts to giggle uncontrolably and both guys start to flatter her by discussing how cute she is as if she is'nt even there. Liz is pretty cute. Sarah and Stacy are staring at me and when I look at them their frozen disgust does not fade, they do not attempt to smile. I begin to feel ugly for no good reason.
There's a guy with nothing at all sticking out of the top of his pants. He's talking to Sarah. He is taken by the immense insecurities she has in spite of her beauty. He is undoubtably mistaking this quality for being humble. She tells him she is an artist. He nods, and asks: "What kind of art?". Sarah says: "I like dark themes, I usually paint when I'm depressed." She says this but the funny thing is that her lips dont move at all. Then I realize that the sentence is actually the chorus of the song that is playing. The dance floor is packed, Sarah runs to dance too, some people come in from the outside patio to dance. They're all singing: "I like dark themes, I usually paint when I'm depressed." Sarah looks at me sideways while she moves stiffly on the dance floor, careful not to dance too differently from anyone else. Her eyes seem huge like raw saphires in the flashing blue half-light, she smiles like a cat in a fairy tale. She smiles like the unhinged jaw of a snake. She dances enough to be seen but not enough to break a sweat. Everyone is dancing away their stability, everyone dances like grass in the same field, everyone paints dark themes, everyone is famous, everyone likes being depressed, four out of five people agree. The guy with nothing sticking out of the top of his pants watches Sarah dance but I think something about the way she moves makes him walk away. He goes to the men's room.
I am waiting for him to come out. Time passes quickly here and I dont wear a watch. He never comes out. So, I go in. There are four guys in the men's bathroom but none of them are the one I am looking for. One of them smiles at me like a gameshow host. One of them lifts me up and puts me on the vanity in front of the mirror next to the sink. One pulls a microphone out of his pants and says into it: "So what are you doing in the men's room?" then he holds the microphone up to my mouth. The other guy just continues urinating and glances nervously over his shoulder at me. I say into the microphone: "I was just looking for someone." but no one moves they continue staring at me as if I didnt say anything at all and the guy with the microphone pulls it away and asks into it: "So what are you doing in the men's room?" and holds the microphone up to my mouth again. I look around and notice that in one of the stalls in front of me there's this other guy standing in front of the toilet with the door open holding up a cue card, he's not the guy I'm looking for either. I say "oh." and read the cue card:
"'Carol- [Laughing hesitantly] Um, well, Jared, I really don't know WHY I'm in the men's room. I guess I just wanted to see what it was like in here. [batts eyelashes; looks innocent].'" The gameshow host guy laughs and looks up at the cue card, smiles as if the camera has zoomed in on his prosthetic teeth and says: "'Rob- [Straightening shoulders; fixing collar]Is'nt that sweet, Jared? [William- throwing head back in playful laughter; clapping hands twice.]'" The guy who lifted me onto the vanity throws his head back and laughs while clapping his hands twice. The other guy finishes urinating and goes to wash his hands in the sink, I'm in the way though and he gets really annoyed at the other guys who put me so close to the sink. He struggles to reach the soap dispenser. Jared says into the microphone: "'[patting Carol on the Shoulder] You don't have to worry, Carol, no one minds that you're in here, I'll show you. Hey man, do you mind this girl being in the men's room? [30 seconds saved for real life response]'" Jared stuffs the microphone in front of the mouth of the guy who is trying to wash his hands and the guy looks around nervously at the other three who are looking back at him the way you would look at a lobster in a tank at a restaurant, he says: "Um, no." and he goes to dry his hands. Then I see the guy I'm looking for. He has shrunk to the height of no more than 4 inches and he is sitting comfortably on top of the hand dryer. I say: "Excuse me please." and the other guys back away.
I go up to the hand dryer and stick my head really close and ask: "What are you doing?" The other three guys stare at me looking confused. He says to me: "I'm just watching everyone. You mean, you can see that I'm only 4 inches tall?." I say: "Yeah, why?" and he says: "Ididnt think it was that obvious." So I put out my hand and he climbs into my palm. I take him back into the club, Sarah has finished dancing and Stacy is back by her side they see that we're leaving and come over to say goodbye. They lean over my hand and kiss him and they invite him to 10 parties and they don't invite me to any. Once we're outside, he grows back to regular size and brushes himself off.
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