| O N E | - The Ice Cream Man.
There is this sign above this display of young women wearing pink tube
dresses and black platform sandals. It says: "The Best Things Come to
Those Who Wait!" I remember thinking: "and wait and wait and wait and wait...
" Then I stopped the ice cream truck and I recognized the man driving as the same
guy who drove the truck 10 years ago. I was not surprised. He told me that years are all
attached; this is why he is still an ice cream man. I told him I was now 21 and bought a
Rocket Pop and some Fun Dip. When he drove away, I got the feeling he was going to kill
himself that night. The bell on the truck is like the alarm that goes off in a factory when
something gets stuck in the machinary. I listen to it fade out down the block and wonder
how many of those somethings were whole people.
I havent slept in 2 days, nervous about getting a part-time job at Carvel.
I have a severe case of Housewive's Insomnia. This is what happens when you
are a woman, no longer a teenager, and still live in the suburbs. The only cure is
to take five more sleeping pills than the family doctor prescribes at night and
marry your high school sweetheart, then move into that house on
Pea Pond Road where your grandparents lived and then your parents lived; and
wait and wait and wait and wait...for the best things.
Then I start walking down the straight sidewalk with the Weed Killer hiding in
all the open cracks and I admire how green the grass is on everyone's lawn. I get so
emotional about it that my eyes tear up.
I see these two guys standing in a driveway holding wooden baseball bats.
One guy's bat is way bigger than the other guy's bat and I get the feeling
that he knows this. I overhear these guys having a conversation and the one with the
huge bat says: "Did you see those new women on display in town?" and this other
guy says: "Yeah man, I was seriously considering fucking them." Then the guy with the
huge bat lifts it above his head like he's going to kill the other guy and the other guy
says: "I have to go mow the lawn again."
Personally, I didnt think it needed mowing, but there was a dandelion near the
Virgin Mary lawn orniment, so I thought he must be worried about that, but it was too late.
The guy with the enormous bat gives this other guy a hard smack to the skull. He was down
and bleeding, but I came back later and there was a faux marble birdbath there, so I guess
eveything is okay. Then the guy with the gargantuan bat starts running towards town.
I finished my Rocket Pop and threw the stick into the street.
Just then a Sport Utility Vehicle pulls up and this lady gets out and says to me:
"You have broken code number 777 which states that 'None Shall Break Code Number
777' and so I must take you in for questioning." She hands me her business card
and printed on it are the words "Mrs. Jennifer Mastrelliano: Professional Traffic."
So I say: "What is this supposed to mean?" and she says "I'm one of those people who
stares at things on the side of the road, you didnt think people were really curious, did you?
I also have three kids." Then she starts to laugh at me, but it sounds kind of sweet,
like she knows exactly what she is doing. Then the lady (who has such a perfect french
manicure I begin to tear up again) takes me by the arm and wields
me into the back seat of the SUV. I remember being astonished at her strength.
I decided not to put up a struggle so she let me eat my
Fun Dip in the car. We were driving for a long time down streets that had the same
names as the towns they were in. We passed by the display of brand new women in town and
I saw that one of them was missing, her back and ass had made a deep
imprint in the wall behind her and tacked to the wall was a sign that said
"We appologize for our appearence." The other young women in pink tube dresses
and black platform sandals had changed their positions and were now grouped around
the pay phone. I noticed that the lady had turned the
rearview mirror so she could watch me in the back seat. Her eyes had fine wrinkles around
them and were swabbed with blue eyeshadow which collected in the creases. She scared me.
"Put your seatbelt on, young lady!" she says, and I obay. I finish my Fun Dip and start fidgeting
because I'm hungry. I start kicking the back of her seat and chanting: "Are we there YET? I'm
starving. I wanna go to Friendly's!!" but the lady says: "You dont deserve to go to Friendly's
young lady." and we pull over next to this group of guys with wooden baseball bats talking to girls
in pink tube dresses and black platform sandals. They're standing next to the ice cream truck.
The lady says "Now get out of my car before I tell your father what you did!"
So I get out and she floors the gas pedal and I just stand there.
The girls are eyeing me and the guys are eyeing me differently and I dont know how I'm supposed
to feel about all this so I just go up to the ice cream truck and order a Toasted Almond bar.
The ice cream man turns around to get one out of the freezer and I notice he has a large
bleeding hole in the back of his head. He hands me the Toasted Almond and says: "Eighty-five
cents. I tried to quit." I hand him the money and walk away to join in the conversation.
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