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© WF Graf 1999
TRASHY SIGNS, SLOGANS
and OFFICE MOTTOS
(PART ONE)



LIFE IS UNCERTAIN....
EAT DESSERT FIRST!





STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP!
Park elsewhere!






I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.





HERE I AM!
Now what are your other two wishes?




DISCOURAGE INBREEDING
- Ban Country Music -






And your crybaby whiney-assed
opinion would be...?




OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?







JOIN THE ARMY
Travel the World,
Meet interesting people
and kill them.







- Bumper Sticker -
If a woman's place is in the home
WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!






Where there's a will
I want to be in it.






MOOSEHEAD:  A great beer and
a new experience for a moose.






- Bumper Sticker -

 ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS,
 AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.







24 HOURS IN A DAY
24 BEERS IN A CASE
COINCIDENCE?
I THINK NOT!





After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.












The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.





They call it "PMS" because
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.






How long is this Beta guy
going to keep testing our stuff?




He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless dead.






> I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.




Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog






--- Wyoming Highway Sign ---

SPEED KILLS!
 SLOW INFURIATES.





The faulty interface lies between
the chair and the keyboard.







- Kansas State Motto -

KANSAS
 FIRST OF THE RECTANGLE STATES






POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
....Cops have nothing to go on.




One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.






If your feet smell and your nose runs,
you're built upside down.






If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.




Alabama State Motto:

At Least We're not Mississippi







It's always darkest just before
it goes pitch black.





GUN CONTROL:
A solution in search of a problem.





Cruel and unusual punishment
works better.




REMEMBER:
FIRST you pillage,
THEN you burn.






> After I cook the vegetables
what do I do with the wheelchairs?




To err is human.
  To forgive is against company policy.





Schizophrenia beats being alone.









If at first you don't succeed,
Put it out for beta test.





FOR SALE --  Iraqi rifle.
Never fired. Dropped once.





To catch rabbits,
Hide behind a bush
and do carrot calls.





ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12%  Monday
23%  Tuesday
40%  Wednesday
20%  Thursday
  5%  Friday





If ignorance is bliss,
you must be orgasmic.






Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?




THE U.S. CONGRESS
100 Senators;
435 Representatives;
No Clues






When things look dark,
hold your head up high
so it can rain up your nose.




CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!





If at first you don't succeed,
redefine success.





JESUS SAVES SINNERS
and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.




Hi,
I'm bored,
heavily armed
and I have a Bible.





BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER
AND TASTIER, TOO.



Forget the Joneses.
I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS.





STOP  THE  SLAUGHTER!
BOYCOTT  BABY  OIL!







If the shoe fits, buy it.
----Imelda Marcos


-Bumper Sticker-
 Horn broken. Watch for finger.






FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!
 It comes bundled with the software.





I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.






Kentucky:
Five Million People,
Fifteen Last Names.






Hello? Front desk?
Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here.





I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
AND I'VE GOT A GUN.





A hangover is the wrath of grapes.




SAVE the WHALES!
... Collect a whole set.





ENDLESS LOVE:
STEVIE WONDER and RAY CHARLES
PLAYING TENNIS



A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.



IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP
BUT YOU EAT BETTER.






Come in. My day was ruined anyway.




You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.




I just want revenge.
Is that so wrong?




A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.





HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.





Time is just nature's way
to keep everything from happening at once.




FREE THE INDIANAPOLIS 500



Hard work never killed anyone,
but why chance it?




All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.




HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET






Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires





I don't have a solution;
but I do admire the problem.






If I throw a stick, will you leave?




I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.






One-seventh of your life will be spent on Mondays.




A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
 But it uses up a thousand times the memory





The Meek shall inherit the earth..
..after we're through with it.







If a thing is worth doing
It would have been done already.






Digitarians are members of
The First Church of Binary Science.





Time flies like an arrow.
 Fruit flies like a banana.





IF WE WEREN'T MEANT TO EAT ANIMALS
THEN WHY ARE THEY MADE OF MEAT?






Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.





Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!  
.....Kermit the Frog





HAM AND EGGS
 A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime comittment for a pig.






Lord, If I can't be skinny,
please let all my friends be fat.




Be Alert!
..the world needs more lerts.



87% of all statistics are
made up on the spot.






Good Health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.





POO-POO HAPPENS!

(Bumper Sticker seen on Baby Stroller)





THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE
Keep going. è





Too many freaks
Not enouth circuses




Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.





I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.




Digital circuits are made from analog parts.




How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?




NUKE THE GAY BABY WHALES






Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.




Quick, Call a Witch Doctor!
My witch is sick.






JESUS LOVES YOU
It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.





I have a PBS mind in a MTV world.




 I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her name was, "Always".




What is a free gift?   Aren't all gifts free?






Can you yell "MOVIE!"
in a crowded firestation?







It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.







If ignorance is bliss,
why aren't more people happy?






1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.
1975 - 1998: Nothing.




HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER.
LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!





WELCOME TO UTAH
 Set your watch back 20 years.





To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?






 Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep.




I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.





When you do a good deed, get a receipt,
in case heaven is like the IRS.




Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.






Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.





CHAOS, PANIC AND DISORDER
MY WORK HERE IS DONE.




I still miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better!






I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.









Very funny, Scotty.
Now beam down my clothes.




Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.






A closed mouth gathers no foot.






The trouble with life is
there's no background music.



THE BILL OF RIGHTS
(Void where prohibited by law)





I can't rememember whether
I'm the good twin or the evil one.




If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.





The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.




I was only looking at
your nametag, honest!






First draw the curve, then plot the data.






ILLINOIS
The Land of the Voting Dead






EMORDNILAP is Palindrome
spelled backwards.





A FOOL AND HIS MONEY
can throw one hell of a party.





IF THERE IS NO GOD,
WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?





When blondes have more fun
do they know it?






Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.






REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE BELOW AVERAGE.




What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?










WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.






I'm not tense,
just terribly, terribly alert.




AMBIVALENT?
Well, yes and no.



Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case it was almost impossible.




- Customer Service Notice -

 Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
 If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.





If you run out of sick days,
call in dead.




ATTENTION: I-15 TRAVELERS
YOU ARE ENTERING THE STATE OF UTAH.
   IT IS ILLEGAL TO OBEY ANY FEDERAL STATUTE





Without C we would have to
program in BASI and PASAL






KINKY is using a feather.
PERVERTED is using the whole chicken.






Televangelists:
The Pro Wrestlers of religion.






Gargling twice daily is a good
way to see if your throat leaks.




JESUS IS COMING!
Look Busy.






ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!
Charged with battery.




Cleanliness is next to
"clean and jerk"
in the dictionary.






TO ERR IS HUMAN
TO FORGIVE IS TO ERR






PRESERVE THE SPOTTED OWL
(in formaldehyde)





We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "Smart"?



Be kind to your inferiors,
if you can find any.






Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.





Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.


It's not hard to meet expenses,
they're everywhere.





Think of the lottery as a tax break for the intelligent.






Two rights do not make a wrong.
  They make an airplane.





Two wrongs do not make a right,
but three lefts do.





MY WILD OATS
HAVE TURNED TO
SHREADED WHEAT





186,000 MPS: It's not just a good idea
-- It's the LAW!




When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".





Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?





ATHEISM:
 A non-prophet organization.






Who are these kids
and why do they call me "Mom"?



Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.





KENNEDY COMPOUND
KEEP OUT
TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED





Seen it all.   Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.






RED MEAT IS NOT BAD FOR YOU
FUZZY GREENISH-BLUE MEAT IS BAD FOR YOU.





POWER CORRUPTS AND
ABSOLUTE POWER IS KINDA NEAT.





If you love something, set it free.
If it doesn't come back,
hunt it down and kill it.







Due to an overwhelming number of requests (4), we have created a site where the background music and sound bytes used on Fort Ogden pages are available for previewing and downloading.

You can find it at: fortogden.com/audio


Fort Ogden and
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by Scott Adams

A Cubicle's-Eye View of Bosses, Management Fads and Other Workplace Afflictions.

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 		DILBERT
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STATEMENT OF POLITICAL
AND MORAL CORRECTNESS
Full noodle frontery will not be displayed on Fort Ogden pages. This site contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. No cosmetics were applied to animals used in the testing of these pages. We support the natural release of dihydrogen monoxide from the atmosphere. We also comply with the Data Recycling Act of 1997. We respect and celebrate St. Swizzen's Day. The Surgeon General warns that the consumption of gooey stuff can lead to zits. This site was pre-recorded for this time zone.

This statement was prepared upon the urging and advise of our legal counsel,
Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.






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