A comedy series set in Walmington-on Sea, during the Second World War, about a keen but rather incompetent Home-Guard, starring:
SERIES 1
EPISODE 1 - THE MAN AND THE HOUR
At Swallow Bank, Pike has to fill sandbags and put sticky paper across the windows. Meanwhile, Mainwaring listens to Anthony Eden on the radio, when he announces the forming of the Local Defence Volunteers (LDV). He tells Wilson that he will set up a unit, where he will be the commander, and Wilson second in command. That evening in the church hall, volunteers include Jones the butcher, who used to fight in the Sudan, Frazer, who owns a philatelist shop, Godfrey, a retired soldier, Walker, who is able to supply essentials, and of course Pike, who is also an office-boy at the bank. He tells the members to gather whatever weapons they can, and bring them to the evening parade. These things include mainly carving knives tied to broom handles. During that parade, he demonstrates how to blow up an enemy tank, using blankets soaked in petrol. This alerts various ideas from the platoon, such as stuffing spuds in exhaust pipes. He is pleased with the initiative the platoon seem to have. Suddenly, an expected delivery of uniform and weapons arrives, but it is merely armbands and peppercorns. He realises however, that every little bit helps, and boasts "So come on Adolf! We're ready for you!"
EPISODE 2 - MUSEUM PIECE
While still waiting for the uniforms and weapons to arrive, Mainwaring receives a letter instructing the bank to close the Peabody Museum of Historic Army Weapons' account for the duration. He suddenly realises that that is where he can get his hands on some weapons, and in spite of Wilson's point of it being stealing, at 1800 hours, Operation Gun Grab begins. Before they get in, they have to outwit the caretaker, who is in fact Jones' father. They are not successful at breaking the door down, so instead, Private Frazer, disguised as an ARP Warden, tells him he's showing a light. With the help of a bottle of whiskey, he manages to get him to come out and see for himself, whilst the rest of the platoon enter. They manage to seize a Chinese Rocket Gun, and although Mainwaring isn't particularly enthused by it, he has to eat his words when the boy-scout (who let him use their delivery cart), lights the fuse, and the platoon have to shelter under the table.
EPISODE 3 - COMMAND DECISION
Whilst the lack of weapons causes low morale for the platoon, Captain Mainwaring receives a visit at the bank from an old campaigner, Colonel Square, who offers the platoon 20 rifles. However, in return, Mainwaring must surrender the platoon. He reluctantly agrees, and goes to visit his home in Marsham Hall. He changes his mind about the deal, when he discovers Square's crackpot plans to turn them into cavalry with circus horses and antiquarian muskets. Captain Mainwaring rashly decides to promise the platoon that they will have weapons by the end of the week. He later receives a letter saying that instead of LDV, they will now be called the 'Home Guard'. Meanwhile, by the end of the week, he regrets his promise of weapons, until suddenly, five guns arrive, bringing joy to the platoon.
EPISODE 4 - ENEMY WITHIN THE GATES
Mainwaring's lecture on dealing with enemy agents is interrupted by a monocle-wearing officer, with a suspicious accent. Not taking any chances, they arrest the man and plan an interrogation until he convinces them he's a Polish captain serving with GHQ, and is simply there to inform them of a £10 reward for every Nazi arrested. Whilst on night patrol, Jones' section first accidentally shoot a swan, then get caught slacking by the Polish Captain, who takes their names, and then they capture two German pilots. They are taken to the church hall, where Godfrey credulously lets them escape. They are soon recaptured by the Polish captain, who escorts them back to the hall. When the military police arrive to arrest the prisoners, they mistakenly arrest the Polish captain too, and reward the platoon a total of £30. Mainwaring decides to spend some of a platoon dinner, whereupon Walker offers to supply a rare medieval luxury - roast swan.
EPISODE 5 - THE SHOWING UP OF CORPORAL JONES
Major Regan visits from area HQ to monitor progress from everything from use of weapons to first aid. Just when things seem to be running smoothly, he labels Jones a 'potential danger', who forgot how to aim his rifle, and got his glasses steamed up while charging a dummy with his bayonet. Jones' fate is decided on his ability to negotiate an assault course in 15 minutes. The night before the test, his outlook is bleak, but then, certain platoon members cook up a plan. Strategically placed along the course, the other men, each do different parts of the assault course, with two minutes to spare. Suspecting something fishy, Major Regan decideds to inspect the assault course, and ends up getting lost.
EPISODE 6 - SHOOTING PAINS
Mainwaring and Wilson discuss the forthcoming shooting practice, and the fiasco the last time - the platoon mistook the tyres on the area commander's staff car for the target! Mainwaring's platoon is chosen to provide the Guard of Honour for the Prime Minister's impending visit. However, the sloppy shooting at the range forces the major to reconsider his views, and instead, select the Eastgate platoon. To decide upon the matter, a shooting contest is arranged, in which three of Walmington's men compete against the Eastgate platoon. A visit to the local Hippodrome that evening, sparks off one of Walker's devious plans. The entertainer of the Hippodrome audience, Laura La Plaz, who has the firing skills, dresses up as a platoon member, in order to help Walmington win the shooting contest. Unfortunately, the scheme looks set to backfire, when Laura La Plaz's system is disallowed by Mainwaring, which affects her performance. But then Frazer steps up and clinches victory by scoring five bull's-eyes, telling Mainwaring that it was seeing a young girl that took his mind off telling him that he was a champion at shooting targets. Finally, the platoon get to be Guard of Honour for Winston Churchill.
SERIES 2
EPISODE 1 - OPERATION KILT *
The platoon are completing their first PT lesson, during which Captain Ogilvy, from the Highland Regiment, arrives to brief the men about some manoeuvres on Saturday night, in which six of the Highland Regiment will attempt to capture Mainwaring's HQ. The Walmington boys outnumber Ogilvy's bunch by three to one, and therefore shouldn't have any problems. The Walmington platoon go to Manor Farm, Ogilvy's base, where Jones dresses up as a pantomime cow, in a field with 40 real cows. After this backfires, they decide to lay man traps. Unfortunately, after capturing most of Ogilvy's men, Jones ends up getting caught in a man trap, but then so does Captain Ogilvy, who ends up showing what Scotsmen wear under their kilt.
EPISODE 2 - THE BATTLE OF GODFREY'S COTTAGE *
In the event of an invasion, Godfrey's cottage gets picked as a machine-gun post. Mainwaring, who is in thr bank's vault, fails to hear the ringing of the church bells, heralding a German invasion (so everyone thinks). While Wilson and pike head towards the Novelty Rock Emporium, Jones and Frazer inform Mainwaring and then head for the cottage. They are not aware that Wilson and Pike are elsewhere. They eventually go towards the cottage, which the rest of the platoon are guarding. Jones, meanwhile, has to nip outside to use the outside toilet, when Wilson and Pike mistake him for a German. They begin shooting, until Godfrey's sister waves her tea cloth out of the window, which Wilson and Pike take as a sign of surrender. When they move towards the home, they find their enemies are none other than their own men.
EPISODE 3 - THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE WALKER *
Walker receives his call up. The platoon see this as bad news, because of his ability to supply things off the ration. Regarding Walker as too important to leave, Mainwaring fights the War Office on his behalf. Unfortunately, it doesn't do any good - Walker still joins up. However, a few days later, the platoon are relieved when he is discharged, after he's found to be allergic to corned beef.
EPISODE 4 - SGT. WILSON'S LITTLE SECRET
Mrs. Pike receives a letter from the WVS, asking her to take in an evacuee. She tells Pike that it will be nice being a mother again. However, Wilson, who overhears this, misinterprets - he thinks Mavis is pregnant! Eventually, he confides in Mainwaring, who, as his superior, sees no alternative than for Wilson and Mavis to wed. He arranges for the platoon to provide the guard of honour at the wedding, whilst Wilson practises the ceremonial march with Jones substituting for Mrs. Pike. At that moment, Mavis comes into the church hall with Little Arthur. When she introduces him to Wilson, the confusion is all cleared, and Wilson breathes a sigh of relief.
EPISODE 5 - A STRIPE FOR FRAZER *
Mainwaring is allowed to promote someone to Corporal. Rather than giving the job to Jones, he suggests installing another Lance-Corporal, and seeing who performs the best. Although Wilson advises him against it, Mainwaring, classing himself as a shrewd judge of character, chooses Frazer. This competition causes intense rivalry between the two candidates, and a lot of fawning towards Mainwaring. Frazer's brash attitudes and overpowering desire to impress, the men start taking a dislike to, especially when he books Pike for deserting his post and cowardice in the face of the enemy, and Walker for mutiny. When Jones is added to the list, action is required, anfd Frazer soon falls out of contention for promotion.
EPISODE 6 - UNDER FIRE *
While the platoon are fire watching, Frazer spots a light flashing on the corner of Mortimer Street, and the platoon suspect a spy is signalling to the enemy planes overhead. The suspect whom the platoon arrest, is a Mr. Murphy, who claims to be a British citizen, although he was born in Austria. Meanwhile, the church hall is hit with an incendiary device, which cause a fire that the platoon struggles to control. Mrs. Pike manages to extinguish the fire, by smothering it with sandbags. She also stands up for Mr. Murphy, when she claims he was married to her Auntie Ethel's cousin.
SERIES 3
EPISODE 1 - THE ARMOURED MIGHT OF LANCE CORPORAL JONES
After giving the platoon a lecture on use of respirators, and of a new weapon (a cheese cutter), Mainwaring tells the platoon that they should work closer with the ARP, until it is revealed that the new chief warden is Mr. Hodges, the rather common green-grocer, whom, when he arrives on scene, immediately causes friction by demanding use of the hall every Wednesday evening. Meanwhile, Walker talks Jones into donating his van to the platoon (for one of his dodgy deals). He tells Jones about the petrol coupons he'll obtain, but it gets converted into gas for fuel economy. Hodges soon requisitions the van as an ambulance during his air raid practise, where the platoon are forced to become stretcher bearers. Chaos is sooned caused when Jones comes without his keys, and the back door is locked. While he goes to his shop to get the keys, the platoon attempt to get the man in an alternative way. The man, getting impatient, decides to walk to the hospital.
EPISODE 2 - BATTLE SCHOOL
The platoon take a train ride to a weekend camp and a course in guerrilla warfare. It is only a mile away, but it takes four hours for the train to arrive. Mainwaring is hungry and grouchy, and, when the platoon arrive, their hunger pains deepen when they discover they've missed supper. They then oversleep and miss breakfast too. That morning, they set out to capture Captain Rodrigues' base. While Frazer thinks there's no chance of him finding it, Mainwaring discovers a secret tunnel, which leads straight into the HQ, and tells the platoon they'll capture the base at nightfall. While they are there, Walker lays his hands on some food, which, back on the train, he distributes amongst the platoon. Also on the train, Frazer tells Mainwaring how he never doubted him for a whole minute.
EPISODE 3 - THE LION HAS PHONES
Of all things, Mainwaring is teaching his platoon how to use a phone in a phone-box. Some ladies join the queue, and ask what's going on, and Walker, taking advantage, telling them that they're making all the calls they can, because they're being rationed to one a day, and offers them as many calls as they like for a price. That night, while Frazer and Wilson are on patrol, they witness a German bomber crash in the reservoir. Mainwaring arrives, whilst Walker is missing. Jones goes to phone GHQ, but gets the wrong number. He speaks to the cashier at the Plaza Cinema, and gets confused upon hearing her say that the film's title is 'One Of Our Aircraft Is Missing', and Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it! Back at the reservoir, Hodges and Lieutenant Hope Bruce from GHQ arrive to help, that is after Mainwaring claims they've had the cheek to fire at them. When Walker arrives, he tells Mainwaring that everything's sorted, after he's had a word with a reservoir official, who has opened the sluices, making the Germans swim for their lives.
EPISODE 4 - THE BULLET IS NOT FOR FIRING
When the platoon use up their ammo in a night's exercise, Mainwaring insists on holding a court of inquiry so as to get more ammo, in spite of Walker's offer of getting some cheap. Meanwhile, while Mainwaring is trying to unclog a rifle, he breaks the bannister, and the verger calls him a vandal. Come the Inquiry, it is constantly interrupted by the vicar's choir practise in the office, and the platoon coming in to shelter from the rain. It is suggested that the troops all give their evidence together, during which Jones hears the Nunc Dimittis from the office, and thinks it's angel's voices, and his time has come! Whilst giving a demonstration, the ceiling gets blown down, and the verger gives his familiar cry of "Vandals!".
EPISODE 5 - SOMETHING NASTY IN THE VAULT
A bank inspection is interrupted by an air raid, after which, it is discovered that the bank has taken a direct hit. In the vault, Mainwaring and Wilson find themselves holding an unexploded bomb. Using a fishing reel, Frazer manages to fish the key to the vault out of Mainwaring's pocket. As well as Walker attempting to help himself to some of the money, the platoon devise a crane to remove the bomb from Mainwaring an Wilson's hands. Later, when Walker hands a cheque, it is recognised as a dud, and Mainwaring sees his money is bank property, which is met with his feeble excuse of "Is it? I thought it was bomb damage!".
EPISODE 6 - ROOM AT THE BOTTOM
It is revealed that Mainwaring's self-appointment to captain isn't official, in fact, he hasn't even been commissioned as a lieutenant. He gets demoted to Private, and Wilson temporarily put in charge of the platoon, whilst Mainwaring wears a brave face and attends a drill exercise. Meanwhile, a training exercise turns into a failure under Wilson's command, and the platoon write to HQ, requesting that Mainwaring is reinstated.
EPISODE 7 - BIG GUNS
A naval gun is delivered to the platoon, but Mainwaring doesn't know how to use it. Frazer was in the Navy, but when asked if he knows how to use the gun, he reveals that he was mainly a cook. Luckily, a handbook comes with it. While giving a 'Tewt' (Tactical Exercise Without Troops), with a model of the town laid on a blackout screen, Mainwaring tells the platoon that the bandstand is blocking the line of fire, and that he has written to the council, saying he wants it down within 48 hours. It is a rare example of Victorian ironwork, which was erected to commemorate Queen Victoria's visit to the town in 1891, and Mr. Rees, the town clerk, and Mr. Bennett, the borough engineer, are not happy with his request. Mainwaring agrees to arrange a full scale demonstration on Sunday morning. Meanwhile, the as the platoon are about to continue their 'TEWT', the verger brings it to an abrupt halt, when he has to put the black-out screen up. When it comes to the demonstration on Sunday, the platoon end up getting caught up in the camouflage net, and Mr. Rees ends up telling Mainwaring that he'll tell his people they can sleep safe in their beds - providing they're inside the enemy tank!
EPISODE 8 - THE DAY THE BALLOON WENT UP
Captain Mainwaring's drilling is interrupted by the vicar's discovery of a rude word on the spare harmonium in the tower room. Mainwaring gets all the platoon to copy the letters, and the vicar to compare the handwriting. This is soon interrupted by the sight of the verger swinging to and fro across the outside of the window. It is discovered he's caught on the cable of a barrage balloon. He is soon freed, but then the platoon have to decide what to do with the balloon. With the RAF unlikely to be able to help before nightfall, it is decided to take the balloon to Pinnerfields and tie it to a tree. However, it gets tied to a rotten piece of wood, and ends escaping and taking Mainwaring with it. The platoon jump into Jones' van and follow it, and, after they finally catch it, an RAF Officer arrives. The platoon salute him, and as they do, they let the balloon go. They quickly get into the van to follow the balloon again.
EPISODE 9 - WAR DANCE
Pike is nearly 19, and going out with ATS girl Violet Gibbons. Her mother used to clean for Mainwaring, whilst Violet worked in a fish and chip shop, and Woolworth's. Mainwaring, who doesn't approve of the couple due to his concern for Pike's future at the bank, persuades Wilson to have a talk with Pike. However, his attempt fails, and at a Home Guard dance, Pike, is determined to announce his engagement. Meanwhile, in an argument with the verger about his welcome there, Jones tells him that he's a trouble- maker, and reminds him that they never found out who wrote the rude word on the spare harmonium. Pike, meanwhile, announces his engagement, in spite of Jones' attempt to keep him away from the microphone. His mother, who previously knew nothing about the relationship, throws a bucket of water at him, and he soon decides that married life isn't for him after all.
EPISODE 10 - MENACE FROM THE DEEP
As two sailors who have been guarding the machine gun post at the end of the pier leave town, the Home Guard unit take over for four nights. After struggling to get into the rowing boat, the platoon finally get there. After pike ties the boat to the telephone wire, it soon drifts away, along with the food, and the telephone is cut off. When they attempt to send an SOS signal, all they get is Hodges. He gets drunk on Walker's whiskey, and says that nobody loves him. Wilson tells Mainwaring not to upset him, as he is one of the best bowlers on the cricket team. That is not it for trouble, during the night, Jones spots a sea mine under the pier, which could blow up if it touches anything. After letting it drift away bit, the platoon attempt to blow it up. After a few vain attempts, Hodges manages to blow it up by throwing a stone at it, to which Mainwaring tells Wilson he's right - Hodges is a good bowler.
EPISODE 11 - BRANDED
Godfrey hands in his notice. Mainwaring interviews him, and he tells him that after finding a mouse in his pantry, he couldn't bring himself to kill it, and therefore doesn't know how he'll be able to fight the Germans, and confesses to having been a conscientious objector during ther last campaign. The platoon cold-shoulder him, and when he makes them some tea and biscuits, none of them accept. Meanwhile, the platoon participate in a smoke-filled room, and Mainwaring, after going through, decides there's not enough smoke in it. After increasing it, he goes through again, and ends up passing out. His life is saved by Godfrey. The platoon all visit him, while he's in bed, recovering from his ordeal, where Mainwaring sees a photo of him wearing the Military Medal, which he claims he doesn't wear because he doesn't like wearing medals with his uniform. Mainwaring decides to install Godfrey as the platoon's medical orderly.
EPISODE 12 - MAN HUNT
During a lecture about having to report all parachutes discovered, and state whether they're white (British) or cream (German), Frazer suggests getting a tracker dog, which Walker is able to get hold of. Meanwhile, Walker tells Mainwaring that he found a parachute the other week, and had it made up into eight dozen pairs of ladies knickers. He says he can't remember what colour it was, and has already sold all the produce at his market. They decide to go house-knocking, to try to find someone who's brought a pair, but have no joy. Meanwhile, Walker introduces the dog to the platoon, and they try him out. When Mrs. Pike interrupts, the dog goes for her, and she ends up showing her white knickers, whereupon Walker suddenly remembers he sold the last pair to Mrs. Pike, and that it was a British parachute. When a discarde parachute is discovered in the area, the platoon end up tracking down who they think is a German saboteur with a bomb, but is really a Viennese ornithologist with an a rare bird's egg. Suddenly, a German pilot catches up with them, and complains that they have been running away, whilst he was trying to give himself up.
EPISODE 13 - NO SPRING FOR FRAZER
When Frazer hands in the Lewis gun, Mainwaring inspects it, and finds the butterfly spring is missing. He suspects the spring fell into a coffin, which Mr. Drury has taken. When they go to see him, they find the coffin has gone, for Horace Blewitt. He is now resting in his brother Sidney's house, where the platoon enter and find the lid is screwed down. They try sneaking into the house in the night, and after that fails, suggesting there is an unexploded bomb in the churchyard, thus causing the funeral to be abandoned. When they go to the graveyard to have another go at retrieving the spring, the verger sees them running off. Mainwaring is forced to have Frazer court-martialled, but while he is on the phone, Frazer suddenly finds that the spring was in his pocket all the time. Mainwaring leaves Godfrey to deal with the call, who asks the person on the end if they have an account with them.
EPISODE 14 - SONS OF THE SEA
To pay off the debts of the late Mr. Johnson, Mainwaring takes possession of his boat, 'The Naughty Jane'. The platoon use it for river patrols, and that evening, decide to test it out. They end up getting lost in the fog, and drifting into the English Channel. Eventually, they reach land, where Jones hears French voices, it is thought they've drifted across the Channel. Actually, it a nearby party is being held by the French Canadians, to celebrate the shooting down of their 50th Nazi plane for the enemy. The platoon meanwhile, hide in a railway wagon for the night, but when they awake, they find they are travelling through the countryside. Mainwaring tells the platoon to take off their tunics and forage hats and get rid of their rifle bolts (in case they fall into enemy hands), and each time the train stops, he will drop someone off, and they'll make their own way back home. The first stop, he finds is at a station, where there is a man waiting. In an attempt to bluff his way out, Mainwaring asks the man, "Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?", to which he replies "Oh, la gare est 'Eastborne', actually", and then asks why they're talking French. The platoon suddenly realise they're in England, and cry out in relief. When the man says that he's waiting for the 12.30 to Walmington-on-Sea, Wilson suggests they wait with him and be back in time for lunch, but Mainwaring tells the platoon they're to go back along the tracks and retrieve their rifle bolts.
* These episodes, sadly, got wiped and haven't been repeated since 1969. David Croft has attempted to find copies around the world, but has not had much joy so far. If any of you people looking at this site, happen to have an old vintage copy of any of these episodes, why not write to David Croft with that copy, as it would be nice if these episodes could be shown again. Or you can send your name, address and contact number to the E-mail address for this webpage ( telly_2@hotmail.com). As a reminder, the episodes we're after are 'Operation Kilt', 'The Battle of Godfrey's Cottage', 'The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Walker', 'A Stripe for Frazer' and 'Under Fire'. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN!!!