Open Adoption Really Works !!

The way that I met this family was through a foster-care organisation. I had moved to Palmerston North from Wellington and had no family there for support. I became pregnant with Mitchell.  I was prepared to raise my children alone (as I had already done with Jayce), but I didn't know just HOW difficult this was going to prove.

After Mitchell was born in 1992, I suffered very severe Post Natal Depression, and went to councilling for it. But that didn't help. I thought that if I couldn't raise my children properly, then I should give them to people who could. I place both of my boys in Foster care. Jayce was 3yrs and Mitchell was 5mths. I went off the deep end for a while, behaving badly, thinking "Hey this is Great!! NO kids!" But I think I was reacting to not having my children with me.

I made a decision to try to be the mother that I had been and had both of the boys returned to me. But once again, it didn't work out and not through lack of trying. It broke my heart but I asked for Mitchell to be placed in Foster care again. But this time located closer to me. He was 5 &1/2mths old. The agency found a family that lived close by that I could visit regularly. Which I did for a while. It hurt when I left him there, and after a while he didn't know who I was.
I didn't expect that, as he had been such a clingy baby. I thought about things and spoke to Graeme, Mitchell's father. We both agreed that for Mitchell to come back to me was not in anyone's best interest. One day I rang the Barbara & Craig and asked to meet with them, I had something important to ask.

Now, the situation with the Smith family was they had four of their own children, all biologically theirs. They did Fostering as a way of helping people who needed help. I don't think that they expected me to ask them to adopt Mitchell. But at the time I asked them, they seemed very happy that I had done so. He had been with them for a while now, and it seemed like a natural thing to do. I could ring Barbara at anytime and talk to her and she understood how I felt.
I didn't feel like I was loosing a child, but gaining a family. They have always made me feel welcome, and even took on the natural grandparents too!! Everyone can visit Mitchell, no one really *lost* anything. We all gained, especially Mitchell who now had a family that I could do for him what at the time, I couldn't. Grandma and Grandpa had visits and we all have photos, and phone calls when time allowed. Graeme, Mitchell's father was not part of this equation, except through me. As I said before, we were friends. He got his information thru me, he did not want any direct contact.

The day of the final Adoption Order was made and we were all at the courthouse. The Judge commented on this, but we felt that it was good that the Judge could see that we all cared about each other. That is was a decision made in friendship and love. But this didn't stop the fact that I was hurting. I cried when I got home. Time healed my wounds. I still hurt, just not as frequently or hard. I missed my baby, I still loved him, the fact that he wasn't with me didn't mean that I cared about him any less.

Due to changing circumstances, I shifted back to Wellington, to be with Graeme, we were involved again. I got on with life, did some training and acquired a job. Due to problems with the parenting of Jayce I resigned from my job. This led to a void. I knew that I was a great "womb", I cruised through pregnancy without complications. But I knew that I couldn't cope with another child, but I had a yearning that wouldn't go away. I had to be pregnant!!!

So I considered Surrogacy, and investigated the mode of the procedure in New Zealand. Then I saw an ad in the paper, a "agent" wanted to contact women who was prepared to be surrogates. I answered that ad. It required that the surrogate travel to the States in the last few weeks to give birth to the baby there. I weighed up the proposition and after a while, I decided to go ahead with it. It seemed to be an answer to my "yearning" and at the same time, helping someone else. I became pregnant to my ex-partner again, but we both knew where it was going, he knew of my plans. He didn't seem to mind what I wanted to do, but was cautious in case I changed my mind. I had spoken to Barbara and Craig about my plans, they were also cautious, because the child would be a full sibling to Mitchell. They mentioned that if I had any doubts or changed my mind, they would be there for me. And the baby too if thats what I wanted.

It took six months for me to become pregnant.  It seemed like forever.  My baby was due at Christmas. A great present!

After I became pregnant I realised that I couldn't go through with an international adoption.  I told the "agent" I wouldn't go thru with it. I did it early on in the pregnancy, so I had not yet made any promises or signed any papers.

So, here I was pregnant with a child that was wanted, but couldn't be raised by myself. I felt lost!
I rang Barbara and told her I had changed my mind, but I needed parents for my baby. She seemed to be elated!! She said yes straight away, but had to consult with Craig before promising anything, to inform him of my change of plans. She rang me back and said "Yes", they would be happy to have the baby. We spoke at length about what would be best for all, especially myself. She always showed concern for me, and my state of wellbeing. We decided that the baby would stay with me for a week or two. To establish breastfeeding, and to give him the best start in life possible.

Barbara brought Mitchell through often and attended the scans with me. We found out we were going to have a son. We were close and we rang each other all the time. But Barbara knew when I needed space and gave it to me. Mitchell was elated, he told his siblings that he was going to have a brother, but they had to wait until Mum & Dad adopted him for him to become "their" brother. We chose names together as a family, and volleyed ideas back and forth.  It was great, the support was there and so was the space.

Patrick James was born on 22^nd December 1997, weighing in at 8lbs 8oz, a healthy wee boy. I had him with me for a week and Barbara came through for her first visit. I was elated, but when I placed Patrick in her arms, I knew what I was giving up. My son, my child. A few days later, I took Patrick through to Palmerston North and left him with Barbara. But she had to bring him back the next day as I had ceased to stop feeding him "cold turkey".  It didn't work well and I was in a lot of pain! Barbara stayed for a few days and during this time, we formed a closer bond as two mothers and friends. There were various trials associated with emotions, physical-mental states etc, but they were overcome with patience and time. Barbara has managed to establish full breastfeeding and Patrick is doing well.

We had the final adoption order made on the 24^th June 1998. The whole family was at the courthouse and once again the Judge commented on this. His new name is Patrick Jedidiah James, they added a new middle name. The fact that I gained a family has made the whole thing easier to deal with. It hasn't ceased the hurt/pain, but it is easier. Knowing that I have done what is best for my children makes it all the worthwhile.

I saw the boys on the 5th of August, they are both doing well. Patrick Jedidiah is almost walking and he is only 7mths old! He holds on to Barbara's skirt and plays "drop/pickup", but he is doing the picking up too. It's his little game, and it strengthens his legs. He is adorable. I felt a pain and an ache at seeing him, but I hid that. I cried when they left, I was missing out on so much, but that was my choice.
Mitchell is now asking questions galore. The latest one is why didn't I call him "Mitchell Timmins Smith" (Timmins being my maiden name). I told him that his father had chosen his name and it was special, a gift from him. Barbara and Craig knew this and decided to keep his birth name without changing it. He seemed to accept my answer, questions like this arise from time to time and we all deal with it in the best way we know how, with honesty. He is doing very well at school and brought his books down to show me, he is a very intelligent little boy.