Romantic Rain

rough draft, half finished , Version 2

I AM SO SORRY THIS STORY IS STILL BEING WRITTEN,, YOU CAN CON’T ON, THIS IS THE ROUGH DRAFT, BUT THE ENDING WILL BE VASTLY DIFFERENT. COME BACK FOR THE FINAL VERSION. aug 21.

 

       It was a wet summer's night. Romantic rain was what she called it when the sun set bright against the clouds and the water drizzled down only to be evaporated into the steamy atmosphere.  I took in a breath of fresh air as me and my love strolled down the busy street, popular for its restaurants and unique shops. Skaters rattled by on their boards, chains jingling, bladers skitted past, muttering polite ‘excuse me’s’ to those who got in their way. Families streamed out of restaurants, ready to lull their kids to sleep. It was a lazy Saturday night in the midst of a long weekend, the day of no worries, fun and play.

      "Let's go for a drink." She said with a twinkle in her eye, or should I say my fiancé's eye. We were set to get married a month from now. A week after the vow we both would be off to a month's trip around Asia. By then she wouldn't qualify as my fiancé anymore, but my wife. But it was too weird to name ourselves that title. Husbands and wives got boring as time passed by. I held her hand tighter and she did the same, smiling. No. We would be called husband and wife, but at heart we were still fiancés, a young couple that would resist the effects of age. Not that we wouldn't get old, but would do so gracefully, beautifully. Beautiful. I loved the word; it was just perfect to describe us.
      “The Juice Shack would be good.” I muttered as she stepped out of the wet and into a candle lit pub. I followed suite, slightly disappointed at her alcoholic choice. Ahh, she said ‘Let’s go for a drink.’  Drink equals alcohol. Gotcha. And alcohol means going to The Volcano, her favorite. I looked around, the red and blue lights glowing eerily through the smoky interior. True to its name, the walls were lined with multi colored lava lamps, throwing much needed light our way. The front consisted of a transparent garage door that opened or closed depending on weather. Today the door was open, the sound of tires and wet pavement providing accompaniment to the jazz music. In comparison to the lively front, the rear was dark and private, as if the sunlight never did make it that far. We settled by the back, our figures sublime in the shadows. She tousled her blonde hair, moist from the rain before she called the waitress over.

         “Ambrosia margarita please. And a pineapple juice for this gentleman here.” She chirped. The waitress nodded, scribbled our order on a pad of paper before leaving. “What peculiar weather. Look at the sky, it’s red!” The rain let up a bit so that the sun reflected magnificent magenta onto the clouds. Its rays lit up the bar, a benevolent luminary. For a moment, the light was all everyone talked about. We exchanged thoughts in our glances.

“Wish you brought your camera?”

“Yea. By the time I run back to the car, the sky would be dark!” She sighed, the scenery before her mesmerizing. I too, stared at the sky, the sun searing my eyes before being blotted our by the cosmopolitan horizon. Our drinks arrived then; she stirred hers, tracing invisible shapes into the table. I was always fascinated with how the auburn liquid seemed to cling to the edge of the glass, until it slid down heavy from gravity. She agitated it again, before taking a gulp. “I’ve always dreamed of love at first sight. The whole fairy tale bit. And I’d always wait and wait… until the day our paths crossed.” She trailed off as I leaned forward, interested in what she had to say. She had never talked about that first day. “I arrived town intent on finding a new life, new friends, new love. A degree, job and finally, a knight in shining armour, in that order. Who knew I’d meet you even before I moved here?”

I remembered the day vividly; mostly because of the many times I had recited the incident to anyone who would listen. She continued, waving her hand. “Remember how when the elevator stopped, you just stood there, so reserved, with your crossed hands out front? And then you pressed the open button, stepped back, looking at the floor indicator, waiting and waiting. Waiting with your hands crossed in front. Until I finally said ‘Mister, I think this elevator is stuck.’”

          “I didn’t want to look like a fool!” 

          “Mission failed.” She giggled, taking a sip of my juice. I remembered spying at her from the corner of my eye, admiring her long blonde hair, muscular shoulders and tanned skin. One floor shy of my destination, the elevator shuddered, lights dimming. We were stuck with each other while the maintenance crew worked at getting us out. It was a short 30 minutes but I was hooked from there on. When we finally got out, we said our goodbyes and parted without exchanging numbers.

          “You didn’t ask for my number!”

          “Would you have given it to me?” I teased. Her silence startled me, I knew she couldn’t lie. “Well?”

          “Good question, funny you never asked me this before. The answer is ‘I don’t know’. I was new in town and would have liked to meet someone, and yet, because I was new in town, I didn’t know if it was safe. And now my question to you is: Would you have asked me for my digits?”

          “Evidently I didn’t.” I retorted, my fingers brushing through my hair. “Honestly, I wanted to, but I was shy. Fine. Tell me one thing, what did you think of me?” The forbidden topic, I could never get this out of her. She took a sip of my tart drink for an effective, suspense building pause.

          “Nice, funny and talkative.”

          “Come on, that sounds so rehearsed. I mean physically.”

          “Ok, ok. Truth?” I nodded as she flipped her hair. “Cute, neat and conservative. Serious. Good looking. Mysterious. Alluring…” Pausing, smiling, she continued. “Not my style.” Seeing my disappointed face, she quickly continued. “Really James, what I thought of you back then doesn’t matter. But for what’s its worth, let’s say you grew on me.”  She guzzled down her drink, trying to unwind from her confession. I slid my chair over to her side. My arm graced her shoulders as she snuggled up against me.

“Forgiven, like always.”

“You’re great. Anyone saying anything otherwise deserves to be shot.”

         “Opposites really do attract.” I chuckled. “Adventurous surfer lady meets stern business guy. I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since then. It was crazy, I was drawn to you like... Alice was drawn to that Wonderhole.” She swerved to look at me.

          “Wonderhole?”

          “Ok, K, K, K. Well Wonderland, Rabbit hole. A nice hybrid of the two.” She laughed, resting her head back on my shoulder. It was my turn to gulp down my drink.

 

But by the end of the night, three drinks later, she was beside me whispering sweet nothings.
        "I love you." She said, eyes glazed.
        "I do too." I paused, arm around her.

"Let's go home…" She looked at me as if she wanted to extend her sentence, but kissed me instead. She then stood up, walking steadily towards the door. I fumbled for a few bills, throwing them on the table before following her out the pub. I caught up at the street when she paused so suddenly, we almost bumped. She was looking up at the sky. The rain had stopped revealing a curiously bright starry night.
        "Romantic rain yielding a romantic night." she said nodding to the heavens. "Honey… I can see the brightest stars. Do you know what they are?" She pointed, I looked. There were two stars brighter than the rest. They twinkled and shimmered, two winking eyes in the sky.
       "No, I don't... The Big Zipper?"  I joked.
       "No, silly." She bumped into me playfully. "They are you and me… two distant stars that have fallen in place." She giggled, embarrassed at her sudden poetic statement. I nodded, putting my arm around her waist.

“You mean so much to me, more than words can ever say.” I pulled her into an embrace before kissing her a deep one, in the middle of the sidewalk. The avenue was now busier than ever, the crowd had shifted to teenagers that hung out in big groups and smoked cigarettes. The club across the street pumped out bass that occasionally rattled the store windows. The rain had let up, leaving the pavement glistening from shop light reflections. I realized I had my eyes open. I shut them quickly, as I knew kissing and staring was rude.

       "Come on." She said, pulling away. "This could wait for home."
       "Right." The truth was, I couldn't wait. I recalled the kinky moments in our life. The skinny dipping in the lake, the tub of Jell-O. I also remembered the more romantic events, the time when we filled the pond with lit candles on paper boats and watched as each one of them burned out in the dark.
       We ventured towards the car, parked across from the playground, our secret place. It was well hidden from the public by rows of trees that surrounded the park, making it one of the most private places anyone could find in the open. We discovered it by chance when her dog ran into the bushes leaving us trailing behind. It wasn't spectacular, just a set of swings, a slide, but it was here that we spent countless nights squeaking on the swings or talking at the bench. Beside the park was a large forest, and beyond the forest, a cliff overseeing the city. We walked through the overgrown bushes, leaving civilization behind. With the city lights filtered away, the sky appeared greener than ever. I stood there gawking at the display.

“Northern lights!” She exclaimed, taking out her camera and boots as soon as we go to the car. “James, I gotta take a picture of this.” I watched her take off her sandals in exchange for boots. She turned around at my silence and laughed. “What time is it?”

“Time for us to go.” I said defiantly. She grabbed my wrist, the one with the watch and squinted at the crystal face.

“It’s only 10:30.” She confirmed. “Twenty minutes walk up there.” She pointed at the big imposing hill, it’s outline a lump in the sky. “Ten minutes to soak up the view and twenty minutes back. Easy as pie. It would be 11:30 and then…” She paused, clearing her throat. “Mila gives Jamesy a back rub.” She said in a kid voice. She lightly touched my chest, eyes smiling.

“It might rain.” I warned.

“Already did!” She called, slinging her camera over her shoulder.

        “You look like a lady soldier.” I called as I grudgingly followed her, catching up just as we entered the forest. Immediately the air was much cooler, and damp, very damp.

“Yeck.” She exclaimed as we deviated from the path, her dress trailing among the tall grass. “The ground’s still wet!” I parted the grass carefully before taking a squishy step forward, trying not to imagine what it would do to my new shoes. The image of dung beetles crossed my thoughts in which I politely shoved out of my mind. In the background, an owl hooted, probably informing others of us visitors.

 The walk, as promised was not so long, so that the city view appeared a bit before I was going to faint with exhaustion. We were on a cliff, a rickety wooden fence separating us from a 500 meter drop. Here, the grass was trim but suffered from death as a result of drought. It made the ground scratchy, instead of lush, that so suited this mood.

“Whew, that was not so bad, was it?” She started taking pictures of the emerald sky, which morphed to azure near the city line.

“No, I just think I’m gonna die now!” I joked, panting. I was a weakling, but a very healthy weakling, it would’ve been nice to blame it on a disorder, say, heart disease. Weight was never an issue with me, unless it was gaining it. I was a waif, at home type of guy. Meeting Camilla has opened up my eyes to a lot of things; she added the word “nature” to my vocabulary.

I plunked down on the ground, staring thoughtfully at the view before us. She was lying beside me, gazing at the aurora. “It must be from the storm, all those lil’ electrons clashing with the earth’s magnet, energizing the air until it glows…” She said seriously.

“You just made that up!” I accused as she laughed crazily, tapping her feet on the ground, the alcohol granting her freedom of speech.

We were at the top of the hill overlooking all of our glorious city. It glimmered in the hot air, like a big sun at the horizon. Above, the sky shimmered with distant stars. “But really, this is beautiful. You are beautiful. My lil honey bear.”

“My adventure puppy…” Reaching over, she eased me on my back until we were face to face, her tainted breath on mine. Her long hair created a niche, our own little world. We exchanged kisses, my hands squeezing her sides, moving over her smooth, bare back. Our kisses soft then getting more passionate and urgent. In the background a shooting star glowed brightly against the speckled backdrop of a sky. I imagined a frenzied orchestra overturing as the wind enchanted leaves and golden fairy dust encircling our intertwined bodies. The sky opened up to spill out heaven’s glory. In my utopia we weren’t just embracing… my fantasy ground to an abrupt halt as she stopped, unmoving. The music stopped, the angels disappeared and the sky flooded with darkness as I came to. She froze, her head cocked to one side.

“Mmm? What is it?” I mumbled.

“Listen!” She hissed as she got to her feet. I did, still as a statue, so I wouldn’t make noise. It was the sound of branches snapping as fast paced footsteps proceeded through the forest. Me and Camilla scrambled onto the bench, in feign of being in the middle of meaningful conversation. It wasn’t long before a girl ran out towards the cliff, panicking at the dead end she had reached. She kicked at the fence after looking down at the chasm below, letting out an anguished moan as a second figure emerged, calmly walking out of the shrubs.

“You done with your running.” The other snapped. She was panting, fresh from the chase.

“You can’t do this!” the first sobbed.

“Sigh. That is just so cliché. Just shut up and climb the fence,” pausing menacingly, “I’ll take you to Dad, he’s always favored you.” She then raised her hand, shot gun pointed at her unmoving companion. “NOW!” She commanded, her voice echoing through the cliff. Me and Camilla flinched, aware of the potentially fatal situation. The lookout was just too small. We were less than 10 meters away with no where else to go. We stood up, residing among the shadows, attempting to look unnoticeable.

“I’d rather be murdered by you than to commit suicide.” She trembled, hands clenching and unclenching. 

          “I think you’d rather avoid getting that pretty face blown off.” Me and Camilla inched toward the forest, but soon realized the only way out was the same way we came. Our attempt to scale the overgrown bushes caused such a rustling sound that the girl threw a suspicious glance in our direction. I held my breath, wondering what to do if she saw us. She didn’t and turned back to the other, gun now at her side. “Why you…” She muttered as she boldly marched up to the other, loudly slapping her in the face. I paused in bewilderment; it was like watching a movie, but more exiting. The recipient stood unmoving, face left at where the smack took her. “I’ve always wanted to give you this…” she sneered again, raising her hand, the one with the weapon. But before she was able to land a blow, the other jumped her, both girls careening onto the weeds. A mad scramble for the thrown weapon came out to be a tie as they rolled on the ground, four hands on the gun before letting out three shots in our direction.

Three random shots, but how random was it when one of us would be dead? The bullet whizzed by, knocking me to the ground. A thousand shooting stars darted in my vision, an ear splitting headache followed shortly after, muffling my scream with shock. I was threatening to faint when another gun shot jarred me awake. The fight apparently ended as one was delivered a quick death.
       “You lose again.” She announced darkly. I observed, heart racing as she started for us before abruptly turning on her heel to run out of the scene. Relieved, I collapsed on the ground, accessing my pain. It was as if I had received a blow to the head, but nothing more. I gingerly touched my ear, a wet throbbing mess. It wasn’t until I saw Camilla that I felt real pain. She was sprawled right by me, unmoving.

“Camilla?” I swallowed hard, afraid to know. “Are you hurt?” I inspected her, heart lurching at her wound, just below her ribcage. She moaned as I touched her. “I have to go call the ambulance.” I said, glancing at the imposing forest, wondering how I could walk it alone.       

“No, don't leave me.” She coughed, her dress becoming darker.

“You need help.” I said, getting up, dizzying at the effort. I struggled to drive the shooting stars at bay.

“James, I don’t want to be all alone. Don’t leave me here.”
         “I won't, you are coming with me.” I lifted her up, my muscles surprisingly weak, sagging under my rubber legs.      

“Please... it hurts, don't move me, don't leave... no ambulance. Look at me, I am shot. If I am to die, I want to die here… with you.” She clutched at her wound, and started sobbing.
       “Everything is ok” I lied, stroking her hair. I was worn out, I felt my soul dying, being drained of energy. I would rather die. God, why her? With that, I mustered all my strength, 10 full seconds of reenergizing before lifting her up, only to be shot down by my weakness. I staggered baby steps before I put her down. “Can you walk?” I gasped.                                                                                                                        

“I can’t… I can’t feel my legs!” She hysterically touched her thighs and stomach. A look of horror graced her convoluted her face.  “I can’t walk!” I squeezed her hands, placing them at her side. She closed her eyes and for a moment I was afraid she was gone.                                                                                                                                                              “Camilla!” I whispered fiercely. 
”James, I hear the ocean. It’s so close… ohh, I’m so cold” Her eyes were open now, unfocused, glazed. A single tear dripped down her face, caressing her lovely cheek. “I don't want it to be this way, but this is the last time I would be able to say this… but you are my one and true love, I can't live without you. Someday, time will stop, and me and you would be together forever..."
I nodded, not entirely understanding her. "How are you feeling?" for lack of a better comment.
"Weak... " Then silence. I was unmoving, afraid of hurting her, but I knew the end was near. I passed the time by staring hard at the city lights. I realized it was all one big blur. "I see light." She whispered. "Such beautiful sounds." she opened her eyes, smiling "I think I saw heaven. I am going. Know that life exists after death, I will be your proof...  will you remember me?" She whispered.
        ”Always." I managed as her body shuddered once, her breath leaving forever. The tears came then, the welling up of emotions until finally, the burst of pain. I spit out a sob, slow at first, gaining momentum until I was heaving with tears. I bawled, a grown man reduced to little boy status. Good cry, what an oxymoron. I thought bitterly. I held her close, staying by her dying body, a feeling of strange delirium washing over me. I looked over at the bench. Two figures materialized out if the air, one man, one woman. It was hot, I can tell as she poured water down her back, staining her white shirt nude. Rummaging through his bag, he produced a small tub of Berry sherbet, their reward for trekking this far. Delighted, she- Camilla opened the cover, to discover, stuck on top, a gold ring, adorned with diamonds. The sparkling ornament was striking against the crimson dessert. Tears filled her eyes as he- I bent down on one knee and slipped the band on her finger. In the background, the sun set. Tears filled my eyes as I shook the two out of my mind.     

I looked at Camilla, the moon casting shadows on her face. The dark patch on her dress had finally stopped swelling. I looked up at the sky. The aurora was now gone. Along with her spirit. I thought bitterly. The rain came then, licking our wounds, yet covering up the sky in its misery. My headache dulled, I was overcome with exhaustion, I lulled into slumber, a permanent nightmare.

Avoir continuer…

Snippets of story that I omitted:

, something that had preoccupied her for as long as I could remember.

I dove back into my memory, painful as it was.

I stayed there until the sun rose and a pair of bikers came by to call for help. They got me to the hospital to fix up my ear.

“Anyone’s love story is interesting to them, but ours is interesting to anybody.”

All walks of life sauntered down the avenue from the elderly to families with strollers.

I looked back at Camilla, still lifeless and cold. 

. I all of a sudden wished they would mow the forest- the grass was horrendously scraggly.

It was small town charm in a cosmopolitan city.

The walk was easy. We have been here so many times so that I could walk it with my eyes closed.

looked at her; she looked heavy in thought, the candle light playing shadows on her delicate features.

. I gingerly touched my ear and winced at my sudden pain. Was I dying? I dizzied at the thought. But did I care? The answer came just as quickly. All that matters is my love.

 

“Which was half a year later! How did you manage?” Her head now on my shoulder bobbed up, then down to my shrug. It was true, the image of her in the elevator was vastly different from the second time we met. She had dyed her hair brown, cut it short and lost her tan. I couldn’t say what was the same. “It may have been your bright green eyes, or those pouty lips.” The truth is that I dreamt of her whenever I wished. In those dreams, her looked changed, just like in real life. It made picking her out easy.

“It was if we knew each other all our life.” Maybe we have. I thought

 

         

The whole original ending

Questions for the reader:

Is it apparent that the two characters that show up in his day dreams are actually him and Camilla?

Is the ending too abrupt? As if it is unfinished?

Is there enough character development?

Reader comments:

wow, you've come a long way in 2 years...  in comparison, your initial story was lacking a lot in terms of vocabulary (word use) and character development.  your new version is much more enveloping and draws the reader to create a much stronger mental image. thanks for letting me read your story.

Regarding version 1 :

Thought the beginning was good, but ending was boring.

Thought the time when the girl died was actually the sounds of the main characters having sex.