EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings, funerals.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.
VULNERABLE:
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.
BUTT:
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.
Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking
FLATULENCE:
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
bonding.
MAKING LOVE:
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL:
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
* One is to let her think she is having her own way.
* The other is to let her have it.
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same
thing.
THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.