There's no place like home
I don't know what's happened to L. I haven't spoken to her for days now. No messages, nothing. Maybe her PC is broken. (All of them?). Maybe she just quit on me.
One more week left at work.
I think I'll have my cards read. I feel like I have no focus. It seems I'll be lost after next week. I can't make a decision- whether to go back to Penshurst, go to the new school, go to another school altogether, do something else, do nothing.
I am very tired. I just don't get enough sleep. I was thinking today, it's kinda weird that when people are looking for a partner, they really want someone just like themselves. Or maybe it's just me. When I was with T, I tried to accentuate all the things we 'had in common', (i.e.: the things about her that were just like me), and change the things I didn't like, (i.e.: the things not like me). Of course, this never worked. She just resented me for it, and said I didn't 'love her just the way she was'. And it's true. I wanted her to be like me. I wonder if this means I'll never be able to live with anyone!!!! Aagghh! I don't know if this is a real problem… or if it was just a problem with her. Actually, I think it is a problem with me.
One more day to go, then I can sleep in!
Had a really great therapy session last night. I was on a real high afterwards, which is not that common. We talked about my name change. Here's something I've learned about life: Sometimes you learn, sometimes you teach. OK, so I'm not Socrates or anything, but I think the thing about my name change has to do with learning. Going back to my childhood, almost like starting again. Learning more about myself and accepting that I don't know everything. Maybe admitting that, perhaps changing my name was a rash thing to do; something that I didn't really think about in terms of consequences. On the other hand, I couldn't have possibly known then what I know now, and in that sense, I did what I had to do at the time. I needed to disconnect, and now I need to have that link again. To belong, to be part of my family no matter what has happened in the past. I told dad and he seemed pretty happy about the idea, although, of course he wouldn't say that! Now I can see it from their point of view- I would be so upset if Kate changed her name. It would feel so much like rejection; which is what I was doing anyway, especially to dad. It has taken me 8 years to realize all of this!
(Later- same day). Just got home from work. I am exhausted. We had McDonald's because I just couldn't summon up the energy to cook anything. Had another argument with Kate about her room. I can't stand it anymore. She lost her homework book, and I even went in there to search today and I just couldn't find it. What I did find was a plastic bag with some old lunch in it, possibly a banana. It was so black and moldy that it had partially liquefied in the bottom of the bag. It made me retch, and it has to be pretty bad for that. (6 and a half years of nursing gave me a strong stomach). I swear, this could have been human remains it was that disgusting and offensive. How could she have had that in her room and not noticed? So I put my foot down tonight and said that she has to clean it & keep it clean. She started whingeing at me again, saying that she 'just couldn't' keep it tidy and that she was 'born that way', etc, etc. Then she said I was a nasty mother and she was going to go and live with her dad. I said I'd pack her bags. Later on, after her shower, she came out and said she would try and keep her room clean. I said that I didn't really want her to live with her dad, and she said she didn't want to go anyway, and that she just said it because she was angry. She said: "We still love each other even when we're angry, don't we?" I dried her hair with the hairdryer and she went to bed peacefully, the battle over for another day. See, we are learning. Live and Learn and sometimes teach.
I'm feeling pretty good today! This morning went well, I didn't even get too stressed!
Sandie & Julie came over last night, but they didn't stay long- they knew I had to get up early this morning. I think Sandie was hoping that Mox would be on last night, but he wasn't. Kate was being a complete cow last night. She's just not logical. Kids aren't logical! She didn't want to go to bed because Sandie & Julie were there. So, she started whingeing and I had a talk to her, (instead of yelling), and she understood that we had to get up early, etc, etc. She seems to understand, and I think she's just going to go to sleep, then 10 minutes passes and she starts calling out again! I get so angry! I cannot understand how she can be so reasonable one minute and so utterly unreasonable the next.
(Later- same day). Sandie & Julie were here when I got home from work at 6:20. Kate started again as soon as I asked her to do something reasonable- like have a shower at 20 to 7 while I made her dinner. She threw herself on the floor complaining that it wasn't fair, and said she wished I'd never had a baby (her). Sandie took her into the bathroom; I kicked the chair. What's not fair? The fact that I have to work at some shitty low paying job with bad hours? That Sandra has to pick her up from school for two weeks? That her so-called father is having a 6-month holiday in Europe? I just get so angry. I feel so hurt that Kate sides with my sisters- that she's nasty to me when they are here. It's so petty to feel emotionally hurt by a five-year-old. I should be 'adult' enough to deal with that but it all just gets jammed in there with all the other insecurities about not being loved, not being good enough. Not being a 'good' mother.
I'd bought a 12-pack of little packets of cracker biscuits for Kate to take to school, and she took one today, so there should've been 11 left. There were only 9. It was the first thing I noticed when I went into the kitchen, and I made a comment to Julie. For some reason it pissed me off that they ate 2 packets, when really I should've been grateful that they'd picked her up & looked after her until I got home. All this stems from feeling resentment (that I have to be dependant on them) and guilt (that I feel that way). And now I feel guilty that I even commented on it. I mean, how petty am I? Sandra is always feeding us when we go over there. I have to hide stuff because I am so obsessive about it. At the moment I have a block of 'Black Forest' chocolate, a pack of chocolate- covered butternut cookies and a packet of Twisties hidden inside the frying pan. I have such a weird obsession about food.
I spoke to L today. She thinks I'm obsessive about getting my spelling correct in ICQ. And it's true! I am! She has this ability to cheer me up, even when I'm feeling guarded and defensive, I tend to let it go when I am 'with' her. I am trying to ignore the fact that we live on opposite sides of the world, jut like I am ignoring the fact that my job will end in less than two weeks. I don't want to stop 'seeing' her. I don't want to think about our future. Julie was saying the other day that really, it's only money that's stopping her & Kim from being together. Pretty sad state of affairs. But then again, some people don't have enough money to eat.
I love dictionaries. I was just checking the spelling of whingeing, which I had correct, by the way, (the word-processor's dictionary didn't recognize it- probably American!), and I got side-tracked by all these great words, like whippy, whipping boy, whippersnapper, whimbrel, whim-wham. I find it so absolutely fascinating!
My friend Deb had a baby boy on Friday (24th). His name is Luke Anthony.
Celeste-day tomorrow. Another 50 minutes of therapy to add to the pile.
Not much to say today. Went grocery shopping- just bought crap. I don't know why I bother going, I never seem to buy any food! Which begs the question: What do we eat? Something, I guess.
Had a talk to L today- I told her that I'm overweight and she said she still loves me! That's kinda cool! I guess it's me that has the problem with it anyway. So, it's good that that's out in the open… I was kinda paranoid about it.
I fell over today in the kitchen! It really hurt! My foot's really sore now, and my knee that I took all the skin off last month. Sandie said: "You're always falling over!" (Which isn't really true, only twice in the last month. It's only remarkable because I probably haven't done it since I was a kid). I wonder what's the average amount of falling over in an adult life? I'm still not smoking. Drinking Coke tonight, though. I've got to go to bed early tonight. 5:30 alarm call tomorrow! Argh!
Mum went to the wedding today, and it looks like she took Nanna Joy with her. Sandie will be glad she doesn't have to go to Lill's. Sandie's not very happy. We will go over for dinner tonight.
I'm feeling a bit depressed this morning. I was woken up by the phone ringing, and it was mum wanting to drop off some stuff. I still don't feel like I've had enough sleep, even though I had over 8 hours. I need to stop eating so much crap. I was doing so well, too. Why can't I stick to something? I need to talk to Celeste. Only 2 days to go. I stopped smoking again the other day (again)… but then Melissa kept giving me hers yesterday. Maybe I need to stop drinking coffee. That's probably what's making me so tired all the time.
I haven't talked to L much lately. I know she's got a life… other things to do. I only seem to do this! Maybe I'm just feeling generally depressed, so the whole thing seems worse. Neither of us can travel now, or in the near future. So I know we're not going to meet- at least for a long time. Oh well, at least it gives me time to lose some more weight!
I really need to think about what I'm going to do after the next 2 weeks are over. It scares me, and I've been trying to avoid it. I really don't want to go back to Penshurst. I don't even know if I want to go back to casual teaching at all. Sometimes I feel good & confident about it; other times I'm terrified. I have this thing about not being prepared . It stems from my basic fear of not being good enough, which I have always had, as far as I can remember.
Sandie's advice on talking to Linda on the phone: Don't do it!!! It seems she had a bad experience talking to Mox. It's going to cost heaps of money! I think she said she spoke for about 1 1/2 hours. Whoops! Now she's worried that she just said stupid stuff and he won't want to talk to her anymore.
Yesterday I went shopping with my boss. It's a weird experience, shopping with someone you don't know that well. I still haven't come out to her, & I don't think I will at this stage. Sometimes it really pisses me off, how I have to be guarded & careful about what I say. Kate & I went to her flat for coffee- but I felt really uncomfortable. I kept wondering what she'd think if she knew that I was a lesbian- whether she'd feel weird about that. I don't really know her well enough to know what her opinion on the whole homosexual issue would be.
My boss is so neat & tidy. I wish I were like that! I am half-tidy. I like it when my place is neat, but it just seems not to stay that way! I have given up on Kate's room. She can live like a pig if she wants, as long as it stays in her room. I refuse to be her slave! I'm sure I was a pig at 5, too, but I had a 70's mum that cleaned up after me.
I am having lunch with Melissa today. It's my last day at work before my boss goes on holidays and I have to do before & school care, too! Ugh! I have to start at 7:15! Oh well, it's only for two weeks I guess. I don't want to think about what I'm going to do after that!
I have been without my computer for two whole days! It's been terrible! I have missed L so much, it's a little scary. Just thinking about her, wondering what she's doing. She'd be asleep as I'm writing this, as it's only about 6:15 am there. I can't believe how much I messed up the programs on my computer by accidentally moving one little thing. It's really scary. Even though it's 'fixed', I can't access my email, either in Netscape or in mIE. I am down loading a new Netscape to see if that will fix the problem.
I haven't heard whether mum has sold her shop or not, so I don't know if I'm $1 500 richer. Or poorer, as I have already planned how to spend it!
I am very seriously considering going back to using the name I was born with. For me, names are all about belonging somewhere… or connecting in some way. My current name has outlived its usefulness and it's time to get back to where I came from. Back to my roots, so to speak. Sandie says that I needed to go through all the shit I've been going through so subconsciously I did it under an 'alias'. Almost like protecting myself by adopting a different name, and now that's over and I need to get back to being myself. I'm not sure if this is right or not, but it just doesn't feel like my name fits me anymore. I think I will change it back, once and for all. Like coming full circle. Although, I am dreading the actual physical demands of changing it. Having done it three times already I know how much of a pain it can be. Oh well, no pain, no gain (no brain!).
Spoke to Ted today. He is such a lovely man, if ever there was one. He's just so nice although that sounds like such a sappy way of describing anyone. He's a genuinely nice person. That's all I can say about it! I hope we'll be able to keep in touch, even if he leaves the university or I leave teaching.
Moxie phoned Sandie today while I was there! She was a bit nervous, but she handled it really well. I'm sure he wouldn't have picked up on it! I said hello. It was a bit weird hearing his voice… I knew he was Canadian, but I didn't expect him to sound so American! I don't know what I expected instead! Not that I didn't like it, just that I forgot to expect that!. I wonder what L sounds like. I'd love to hear her voice, but I'd worry that I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say!!! And I'd worry about the cost of the call, the pressure of who's going to hang up first, who will call next, etc, etc. So, maybe it's best this way until some point in the future that we don't want to think about yet. Yep.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about work. I'm so envious of Sandie's job! I just wish I could think of something that I'd like to do! Maybe I should go & get some computer skills on paper, or something like that. Get it while I can. But then, what will I do for money in the meantime? I could teach, I suppose. The longer I go without doing it the more anxious I get about going back. I don't mind so much when the teacher's 'book' me, and I get to discuss it with them. I hate being called at 7 in the morning and planning a day's work then & there. It causes me so much anxiety it's just not worth it, even for $150 a day. Although, I guess I have done it, even though I felt like that. I have gone to school every time and 'performed'. Who knows. Another ten years of therapy and I should have it sorted!!
Slept in 'till nearly 10 today- no alarm! Yey!. Went to Sandra's last night- I have cleared my debt with her from the Yum Cha she paid for months ago, and all the other little things, like Kate's lunch that time at the hospital... and at that cafe in Hurstville. I feel much better about that. I am talking to L at the moment in ICQ. She's just gone somewhere and I don't know when she'll be back *sniff*. She's having a little party at her place, so she's probably been distracted. I told her "I love you" in a message, then she said the same back! But, she's had a couple of drinks so I don't know if that counts. She's very reluctant to give me her address, which I can understand, I think. Maybe it's just that extra step in the 'commitment', whatever that is. If we keep it like this it's kind of still distanced… we're not really contacting, maybe. Well, that's my opinion of what she thinks, which may be totally different to what she actually thinks. It's quite difficult writing this because I know that she'll read it, but I'm determined not to censor what I am saying. I've just got to pretend that no one else is reading this!.
I think mum has sold her shop! so I'll get the $1500 she owes me!! Yey! I really need to buy a new chair, seeing as I spend so much time sitting here on this horrid chair!
I'm back from my ex- mother- in- law's place. Actually, it wasn't that bad, and I guess it's kind of cool that we can still have a relationship even though Clance and I have been separated for nearly 5 years. And she is Kate's grandmother, after all. I even saw James & Lyn & their 2 kids, and Lyn & I chatted like we'd seen each other last week, not years ago!. I can't believe that Clance will be back in 3 weeks. It seems to have gone so quickly, especially the last 2 months. He is supposedly arriving at 6:30 am, on Monday the 10th of November. I am supposed to pick him up, then he has to come home & change & go to work. That's just plain crazy! His mum said she's gonna write to him and tell him to change his flight so he comes home a day earlier! I can't see him doing that!!. Oh, well, I'll just have to wait and see. I'm kind of in a good mood today, surprisingly! (despite my concerns over not having a job!!!)
Went to Kellie's wedding today. I really had to force myself to go. Let's just say I endured it gracefully... but I really would've rather been anywhere else. Sometimes I just can't be bothered trying to be all nice and sociable. Oh well, it was only 3 hours. Tomorrow we have to go to Kate's grandma's house... it must be my weekend for enduring stuff, I think. At least we got fed this morning... and will again tomorrow! I need to sleep more... I need to eat something healthy... I need to cut down my caffeine intake. And do the biological alarm thing. I wonder if that only works if you believe it will work?. I really need to change my school preferences, too. Just when I thought I had this term sorted out... I really don't know what to do when the next 4 weeks are over. I can't go back to Penshurst School. I don't even know if I want to teach anyway, permanent or casual. Maybe I'm just having a bad week... no, make that I am having a bad week! I'm so glad about the thing with L- she really does make me feel cared for, and special. I hope I do the same for her. ".......three thousand five hundred miles away...."
Hmmmm....... this seemed like a good idea at the time.... but maybe today isn't a good day to start. I lost my job today. It was my third day there. I knew it was gonna be a bad day from when I woke up & heard on the radio that my favourite politician has defected from the democrats to the labour party. So now I have to vote labour when I was always a strong democrat voter. Then I was gonna go to the DSS, but the line was too long. When I got home again, I got a phone call from Kate's school saying she'd forgotten her lunch and would I bring it up for her before lunch... then I get to work only to be told that the council was going to close it down in 4 weeks. Fuck.
Kate whinged at me from the time we left work (6pm) 'till the time she fell asleep. Sometimes I despise being a parent...and then I get so pissed off that her father has completely abdicated his responsibilities... and Kate thinks the sun shines out of his ass.
Pete 'phoned tonight. He's moving again, but at least this time it's still on the mainland. I'd really like to visit him- maybe after Christmas. Although now that I've lost my FUCKING JOB!!!......
Just as I was talking to him, Sandy & Julie showed up. They kinda cheered me up- at least I don't have to deal with the depression until they go... and I'll probably be too tired to think about it.
I talked to L too, and that helped!!! She makes me laugh!. I was feeling depressed about the whole thing today.... the fact that we live so far apart.. and on top of everything else, I start getting into that 'what's the point of it' frame of mind.... but then I talk to her and it all seems ok again.... I don't know. It's one day at a time in these uncharted waters.
My neighbours have put this fertilizer on their plants and it absolutely stinks. It smells like something dead.
November (1.11.97 to 15.11.97)
November (16.10.97 to 30.10.97)
there's no place like home
