There's no place like home
I worked again at the new school on Friday. While I was there, I got another two days for next week. Amazing. Hopefully this means that they like me. I mentioned to Robin that I knew Chris and he didn't know that-which means that I got the work on my own, not because Chris suggested me!
Today I am tired and cranky. My back is really sore from my computer chair, I think. I can't wait 'till I get my new one. I didn't wake up until about 9:30 and I really hate sleeping that much. It just makes me feel more tired. And now I have to get up at 6 am again for the next 5 days.
I bought a new keyboard yesterday, an ergonomic one and I love it! I am actually trying to type properly and it's much easier with this keyboard.
Celeste is having a break in the week after Christmas. I wasn't surprised that she was having a break, but I was surprised that I hadn't even thought about it. It always makes me a bit nervous when she has a break. I will be at mums anyway, over Christmas and New Year.
Yesterday was my first day at the new school. They called me last night. It was OK- aside from the usual stress of being the 'new' person. It was kind of weird, because I didn't know anyone. Even at Penshurst I 'knew' people even when I was 'new'. It's such a big school. The class was OK, at least. It was air-conditioned! Most of them did the work I had for them. There were two boys and one girl that I had trouble with. The teacher there allowed them to have drink bottles full of water on their desks and twice there were water-spilling incidences. I wonder if this is just a 'summer' rule because it is so hot. The room itself was small, but air-conditioned, which was nice.
So, I managed to be stressed and anxious and nervous and still go to school and teach for a day. If I have stuff for them to do- it's fine, I can cope with that. It's just that I don't have enough stuff. I can get some more stuff. I don't know where, but I'm sure I can.
The other bad thing that happened was that the buyer for mum's shop pulled out at the last minute. This means mum won't get her money. Which means I won't get mine either. I am really pissed off about this, but I don't know who to be pissed off with. It's not mum's fault, I know. It's my own fault for expecting the money back, especially as mum 'loaned' us that money a few years ago. I have no right to be angry about this. I need to let it go. The reality is that I am not going to get it back. I will not get my new chair, or my sunglasses, or my new shoes, or my physiotherapy. Fuck it. It's gone and it ain't coming back.
(Later…) I didn't get a call today. I phoned the Dept. of School Education- they couldn't find the letter I sent them changing my name and preferences. Idiots. Even the DSS got it right. They want me to fax everything. I think I will send them 3 or 4 copies. Or maybe 50 and clog up their fax machine. Maybe then they'll notice.
It's twenty past eight, Monday morning. They didn't call. I'm starting to get paranoid. Monday mornings are notoriously busy for casuals.
Sandie starts her training today. She was really anxious last night. Mum, Julie, Kate and I went out for dinner but Sandie didn't want to. I can understand that. I think mum was a bit upset that she didn't come because it's so rare that we all go out together. I'm really going to miss having Sandie around- I think that has been part of my stress- it's almost like she's leaving.
My naval ring fell out this morning. I didn't even feel it- just saw it on the floor. Weird. Almost like my body just rejected it- spat it out.
I was in such a cranky mood last night when we were out. Kate was being such a pain in the butt- she even fell off her chair because she can't just sit like a normal person. I hate going to restaurants with her; it causes me too much stress. Lucky we hardly ever go.
I am going to mum's for Christmas and if Anthony wants to see Kate he'll have to come down to see her. I am doing what I want to do and he has no right to ask me to change my plans to suit him. He forfeited his right to have any say in it when he went away for 6 months. He will need to accommodate my plans into what he is doing; it is no longer necessary for me to need him to 'have' Kate. This is new, this is liberating, this is self-reliance.
I called Clance this morning and asked him to pick her up an hour later, because I had to go to Roselands to pick up my new glasses. Kate needed hers fixed, too, but it could've waited. I think the real reason that I did it was to show him that I am calling the shots now, I don't need him anymore. And it's true, I don't. Except for the money. Kate wants her hair cut short now, surprise surprise.
I was so upset last night. Had a bit of a cry at Sandie's house. I just feel so stupid and unprepared and like I don't know anything. I have taught 67 days this year. I can do it. I have done it. There's no logical reason why I can't do it at another school, especially another school. So why am I sostressed about it?
I didn't get a call yesterday. I went shopping instead and spent all of my money. I finally bought myself some new glasses. All my money is gone now, until mum gives me the money she owes me.
It's 8:20 am, and unlikely that I will work today. I feel relieved as well as disappointed, but mostly relieved. Is it really worth the amount of stress I go through every morning? Now I have two days of stress-free mornings before it all starts over again.
Wow. I'm on such a high today. I made the decision yesterday to put my name down at the new school. Then proceeded to get really stressed about it- typing up a cover letter, getting Pete to check it, making it 'perfect', etc. Then this morning I called them, and the supervisor seemed to be so grateful that I wanted to work there! He said he'd call me really soon, and that there was plenty of work! Here I was thinking that they wouldn't want me. I asked if he'd like me to bring the letter and contact details over today and he said, no, don't worry about that! Just bring them on your first day! So, I am expecting a call tomorrow. I hope. I think. I'm scared to death, but I've just got to do it. Like Celeste says, maybe there's a third option, feel the anxiety and stress but learn to deal with it. The other options are not options anymore; they just avoid the issue.
I spoke to L today! I was very excited to hear from her, it's been so long since we've spoken. But in some way, it kinda makes it more special. It was only brief, as she had to sleep, and I had to pick up Kate, but it made me smile.
I find it weird that I felt really depressed on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but I was OK on Tuesday and today. Maybe it really is cyclical and I have never actually made that connection before. Or maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe I really do have a mental 'illness' called 'depression'. Maybe it's neither of these things and it doesn't relate to anything, it's just the way I react to certain situations.
I think this year will be a good Christmas. This is the first time in years that I have felt positive about Christmas. I need to change the way I think about it. I guess it does bring up those feelings of sadness and loss, but really, I need to accept that and just get over it. Make it a happy time, and not brood about stuff I can't change anyway. Make it magic for Kate. I am actually looking forward to it this year, and I'm glad we're going to mum's.
Yesterday I had my haircut for the first time in a year. I didn't really want to, but it feels good to be rid of all those split ends, even if it is a bit shorter now. And I bought some new clothes on Monday, too, which is pretty amazing for me! Maybe things are looking up.
I am fighting depression today. It seemed to sneak up on me from yesterday, and worm it's way under my skin. I can't shake it off. It such a horrible consuming feeling. I really should tell school that I am available again, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. It's been a week, though, and although the thought scares the hell out of me, I really have to do it. I need the money. I need to have some sort of continuity so that when I apply to other schools there's not a big gap in my work history.
I feel like I have no friends- and I am resentful of the fact that Clance still has 'the group' and I lost that. I miss Pete, even though we've been talking heaps online, it's not really the same. My other friends have their own lives, husbands and children and lives. Sandie says, 'don't worry about it- that's what I'm for', but I'm even going to lose her to her job soon.
Didn't see L all this weekend. She would've cheered me up, at least while I spoke to her. Oh well, that's not the point I guess. I've got to be able to get out of this hole by myself.
There's no place like home
