There's no place like home
He did arrive at 10:00 am, and Kate did say 'see, I told you'. I told him I wasn't very happy about it. I don't know what to do about my angry feelings. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to be walked over either. I don't want him to think he can take advantage of the situation.
I didn't do anything today- went to the shops and bought some lunch, got some videos, stayed at home. I guess it felt weird- I had all this free time but didn't really do anything. For 6 months I have complained that I never got a break, but when I got it, I didn't know what to do with my time.
Had dinner with dad and his new partner, and really, it wasn't that bad! Maybe I'm getting old! Or maybe I'm just getting softer and more forgiving. I'd honestly like to see more of dad than I do at the moment- I'd really like to have more or a relationship with him. It's not too late. I never understood what it was like for him when I was younger, and I'd really like to know more about his side of the family, before it really is too late. Although, neither of us seem to have time- he is rarely home now that he's seeing Leslie. Really, I ought to make more of an effort. Then there's always that fear that he doesn't want to see more of me: that old childhood rejection again. That feeling of not being good enough, the one that says he has more important things to do. The one Kate is going to be left with by her dad. He hasn't even called to make any arrangements about tomorrow, so I don't know whether he's coming or not. I asked Kate what she'd like to do if her dad doesn't come, and the look of heartbreak on her face was tragic. But in that way kids have of believing that shitty parents are great, she said: "Maybe he just forgot to ring. Can I get just get ready in the morning in case he comes?" Now the bastard will probably show up and I'll look like the bad one. ("See, Khyrin, I told you he would come").
Part of me wants to be out when (if) he turns up, and then I can say that he didn't call to arrange anything… he's been gone 6 months and expects everything to just go back to exactly how it was before. I get so fucking angry at his pathetic attempts. Sometimes I just wish he would go overseas for good and leave us alone. All he's going to give Kate is heartache (and therapy) because he really doesn't love her. Loving her means showing it. Loving her means finding enjoyment in her company and choosing to spend time with her over other things. He will lose out in the end.
Another really great, productive therapy session last night! This is becoming a habit. I no longer feel the need to argue with Celeste. However, there has been a definite 'shift' in the last few weeks or month, but I can't say what has actually changed or what the reason has been. I guess only more therapy will shed any light on that!
Today I went to North Sydney with Sandie. She had her medical, and it took longer than we thought it would. She didn't come out until after 2, and I had to pick Kate up at 3. I 'phoned Julie, and she said she'd pick her up, but then she said she'd take her back to her place. I didn't want her to do that. As it was, we just made it back in time, but I really lost it- I panic so much when I think I'm going to be late, and even more so when I have to pick her up. I was late yesterday when I was with Sandra (only by a few minutes) and I hated it. I really shouldn't have gone with her without knowing how long her appointment would take. And I assumed that it wouldn't take as long as it did. It was very tense in the car on the way home. I was really upset about the whole thing- not angry at Sandra, because it wasn't her fault, but angry with myself for allowing myself to get into that situation. I know Sandra thinks I'm an idiot for panicking, especially as we made it home (just) in time anyway, but, really, she doesn't understand how I feel about being late, especially for picking up Kate. She told me that she was a few minutes late picking her up one day last week, and Kate was really worried. Sandie said to her "It's only a few minutes, isn't your mum ever a few minutes late?" and she replied "no". And it's true, I am never "a few minutes late", apart from yesterday. I will never let this happen again. I tried to call Sandie but she wasn't home.
I haven't heard from L but I'm not going to worry this time, she'll be there when she gets a chance. See I am learning stuff!
Clance came home yesterday. I had a bad morning that started when my brain didn't register that my alarm was going until 15 minutes later. We were late for the airport, but it was OK, because we only ended up waiting for 10 minutes. On the way to his house he said that he would be seeing his friends 'tomorrow' night (tonight) because it was 'role-playing!' I made some remark along the lines of, "Oh, that's nice, you haven't seen your daughter for 6 months, but you're going to see your friends tomorrow…." To which he replied, "Well, I was planning to come & see her tonight". We went to his house, Kate played with some old toys, and I had a coffee with his mum, while he had a shower. Then we dropped him at the train station and he said "bye Kate- see you on the weekend, if not before". So, I don't know why I let myself get disappointed when he didn't show up. I mean, I should be used to being disappointed by him. I cannot understand how he can be like that. His friends and social life always come before she does. I hate how he pretends to care, when really, his actions shout out how much he doesn't. I feel so sad for Kate. I feel sad that it'll be years and years before she even realizes that she's not very important to him. I need to learn not to let myself get disappointed, not to expect that he'll want to do the right thing. I'm not even going to call him to arrange anything for the weekend; I'll leave that up to him.
Therapy again tonight- that came around so quick!
*Hee Hee*! I spoke to Linda yesterday! Everything is just fine! It seems to happen that way- when I don't see her for a while I think that it's not worth it- there's no point, etc, etc, and then when I actually talk to her, everything is just as it was, and we get along really well.
I rang Kez to see if she wanted to come stay over Sunday night and go to the airport with me on Monday, but I haven't heard from her. I get so envious of the whole 'group' thing. I wish I had a 'group' of friends to hang out with.
I'm feeling a bit anxious about Clance coming back. Half of me wants to make him have Kate more often, and the other half wants to do nothing- wait for him to contact me and 'beg' to have her. Then it won't be like he's doing me this big favor by having her and giving me time for myself. I want it to be like I'm doing him a favor by letting him see her.
Yesterday was my last day of work- today is the first whole day using my 'new' old name. On Monday, Kate's dad will be back. I will have to go to a new school & put my name down. All these changes happening at once.
I don't know what's going on with L. It seems pretty distant at the moment, in all senses of the word. We never seem to be on at the same time because of the daylight savings changes. I don't know what to do about this situation.
I think I will take my car to the car wash this weekend & get the full treatment!
Woo-Hoo! I did it! Officially changed my name! Well, on my drivers' license and at the bank anyway. AND I wrote the list of schools and the letter to the D.O.S.E to change my preferences & my name! I can't believe I've actually done it!
Yesterday, Sandie was over & she was watching Seinfeld, and Jerry was trying to get Elaine to buy the Orodent electric toothbrush. Elaine was saying that she was happy with the one she had, and Jerry was saying 'I don't understand, how can you not want to try this new thing when I'm saying it's better?' (Or words to that effect). Sandra looks at me & laughs and says: "that's you!" I was really paranoid last night that she was saying that I was pushy & bossy- but today she said that she just meant I was always trying new things and telling other people about them. Hmmm. I think this is what she meant. It's weird how you can do something and not even be aware that you are doing it.
Today I'm having a great day! I don't know why- I'm just on a bit of a high! One more day to go of work- and I'm going to have to teach, but, really, I'm feeling better and better about it. I think I've accepted that I just need to get over it. I've just got to do it, and believe that I am a good teacher and, really, I am a good teacher. I can be organized, I get along well with the kids, and I like doing programming and the behind the scenes stuff, which most teachers' hate. I like that it is a rewarding job, there's career opportunities. I like the school environment. I just need to put these things into practice, and get over my fear of not being good enough, because I am good enough, and I take it seriously. There are some really bad casual teachers and I'm not one of those.
I had another excellent therapy session last night! This is getting to be a habit! I like it! The thing I learned last night was that even though I'm terrified of going back to casual teaching, I'm just going to have to get over those fears and just do it. Really, anything else is just avoiding the issue, which I'm going to have to face eventually anyway. It makes me sick to think about it, though! And I don't think I want to go back to Penshurst either. Maybe I will go & speak to some people at Hurstville South, seeing as they 'phoned me the other day. They must've been desperate to want to get an unknown casual.
Had another dream that I remembered. It' too long to type out, but basically my two sisters were arrested for being drug dealers! The three of us were travelling to the police station unaccompanied and we were saying how absurd the arrest was and that we didn't know anything about it- but then it turned out that Julie knew something about it, and was in fact, the one they were looking for! Then I woke up! Weird!
I really have to do the name change thing this weekend- if I am going to go to another school, than I need to do it before that! Sheesh! If I go back to teaching it looks like I will have to keep the 4-week job in vacation care at Christmas. Oh well. I was going to do it anyway, but I think it'll be such a drag. Two weeks last time was bad enough.
I found the money! Yey! Well, I found it on paper- I thought one parent paid me for 2 weeks, but it was only one. I'm so relieved!
I remembered another dream, or part of one. I was in McDonalds in America and I wanted a Filet-O-Fish. When I looked on the menu board it was made with string beans instead of lettuce. Then I looked at the counter, and all along the front there were 3 shelves of underwear! The shelves were kind of on a 45 degree angle and some of the underwear had food crumbs spilt on them, because the top of the shelves was just a regular McDonald's counter. The counter stretched so far along I couldn't see the end of it. Now, this one I can't fathom. The oddest thing is that I remembered it at all.
Therapy tonight. I want to have a good session but I never really know how it's going to go until I get there, or until it's over, in which case it's too late!
I still haven't done the school thing. Maybe I could do that now.
I have 'lost' $40 cash from work and I have no idea how I did it. Late on Friday afternoon a parent gave me $56 in fees. I asked her to watch the kids for a minute while I went into the office. I recall throwing it on the desk, and then changing my mind and putting it somewhere- in the drawer or under something on the desk, I don't recall where now. After all the kids left, I wrote the receipt for her as well as the one for the top office. Now I can't remember whether I put the $56 in the container, then locked it up in the usual way, or whether I forgot to put it in the container. In any case, when 2 parents paid me this morning, I put all the cash in the container, after unlocking it. Later, when it didn't add up, I took out the money I had been paid this morning ($76 and $70) and was left with $16. So, that's $40 less than the $56. I searched everywhere for it and it just wasn't there. I have to take all the cash to the top office tomorrow after the morning shift. I will have to pay for the lost cash- it was my responsibility and it obviously wasn't stolen. What's worse is that it makes me look bad- they'll either think I took it or at the least that I was careless. I just don't know what happened to it.
Saw L today, and I think everything is OK, except that my bloody server crashed in the middle of our chat! Grrr!
Spoke to Pete again last night! It's almost like he never left! Well, not really, but I think this is the first time we have really talked since he left 3 years ago. I was up 'till midnight, which is way too late for a 5:30 alarm. Had to have a sleep when I got home from the morning shift, but it's just not the same.
I remembered two dreams that I had while I was having my nap this morning. In the dream I was dreaming I was having the nap, and a blowfly came into my room and landed on my clock radio. When I looked at it, it had laid a maggot where it sat. Then it flew over & landed on my blankets and laid another one, and when I looked down, there were quite a few maggots scattered over my bed. That was the end of that one. The next dream was that I hit Kate on the hip joint and I heard it pop, and knew that I'd dislocated her hip. She didn't cry or anything, but she couldn't walk properly. I knew I'd have to take her to the doctors and was paranoid about her being taken from me. I looked at her hip where I'd smacked her and her whole hip was a bruised black and red mess, bleeding under the skin. Then I woke up. I've never felt so relieved! The first dream about the fly was because I'd killed one that morning- the first one that I've seen this summer. The second one I don't really understand. I don't smack her, but maybe that's not the issue. Maybe dreams are just dreams and don't really mean anything. In the dream I remember thinking 'I didn't smack her hard!' but knowing that wasn't a justification for doing it, and then being surprised at how much damage there was. Hmmmm. It may not even be about Kate. The weirdest thing is that I very rarely remember my dreams at all, or if I do they're very vague, more like I can feel the effects of them rather than remember the dream in any clarity. These two were short, but crystal clear. Strange.
Well, well. It seems L had been sending me messages, but for some reason I didn't get them. I sent Julie an ICQ message yesterday and she never got it so there's 'something screwy going on'.
So, besides feeling bad about that whole situation, (which I hope can be resolved!), I had a pretty good day! I got into a cleaning frenzy today and finally did Kate's room! She said that she'd 'really try to keep it clean, not just try and then not do it'. Somehow, it seems I've heard that before! No, wait, that's the story of my life! Doh! I still haven't changed my school preferences- it's November already so I'm very close to the bone on this one. I really, really should do it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do it. I will also look into the actual name changing process- although I have started a list for that, so I don't feel too bad, and there's no rush.
I even cooked tonight. Kate was so surprised when I said we were having vegetable soup and I got out the peeler instead of the can opener! So, we actually had vegetables!
Today I found 3 new gray hairs. It's really weird because the whole strand of hair goes gray. I thought they'd grow out slowly like 'normal' hair. Not that it bothers me, I kinda like it, but it's fascinating from a scientific point of view. I'll have to email Dr. Karl.
I feel awful today. Woke up at 8:30 and should have got up then, but went back to sleep 'till nearly 11. Had a disturbing dream about my ex-husband/ ex-girlfriend, which was basically about rejection. The feeling is still with me from my sleep.
I am feeling angry with L for not even bothering to send a message in 3 days. I have got in too deep. It has caused me too much anxiety. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes last night. I was so tired. I didn't say that I was annoyed- I guess I should have. This long distance thing is too difficult. I don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know, though. Maybe my general mood over the past few days has made it seem worse. I think I am really anxious about what's going to happen to me work wise. I know I am really anxious.
Mum called to tell me that she's 'one step closer' to closing the deal on the shop. I'm jack of it. She can tell me when she's got the money.
My friend Kate wants to come over & 'see' the Internet. I haven't seen her for ages, so it should be good!
I have so much housework to do. There's nothing worse when you're already in a depressed mood.
Yesterday I went to lunch with my sisters. It's strange- no matter how they hurt me at times, the 'blood-is-thicker-than-water' theory always holds up. Maybe that's why they can hurt me. I love them with a fierceness that's different to anything else. They are my sisters.
Kate has gone from reading level 2 to reading level 8! I am being the proud mother! I have such a gifted and talented daughter! Still, I wish she'd develop talents in room cleaning…
There's no place like
home
October (15/10/97 to 31/10/97)
November (16/11/97 to 30/11/97)
