May, 2001!
May, 2001
Note:
English is written top to bottom, so you will have to scroll down to read the latest stuff! I cannot get used to adding stuff to the ‘top’, it’s just not *right* !! Also, you may need to hit your ‘reload/refresh’ button if you have visited this page before! *g*
Monday, May 7th
Hmmm. Start of week 2, Term 2. Panicking about portfolios. Need to do them, but find it so difficult to find the time to do it, on top of doing my ‘normal’ day-to-day schoolwork. This issue came up at therapy on Saturday. (First session!). This is an ongoing problem of ours- the amount of time I spend doing schoolwork. I cannot get the balance right. Beany thinks I do way too much, that I don’t spend any quality time with her or Kate because I am constantly doing school stuff. Which is, basically true. But I do NOT know how I would function if I did less? I *still* feel as though I don’t do enough. I constantly feel that black cloud of pressure hanging over my head. No idea how to solve that particular problem.
I have moved back into our bedroom. We re-arranged the room and it looks much better now. I made the decision to do it after therapy on Saturday, where we talked about our relationship being ‘in limbo’ until the end of this term when I was to make a ‘decision’ about whether I wanted to stay or not. I *do* want to stay and it was not going to help me achieve that by sleeping in separate rooms. I feel good about the decision- I think it was the right thing to do. I hope Beany feels the same way! We also re-negotiated the ‘guidelines’ to reflect the more permanent nature of our relationship, rather than the ‘temporary’ arrangement we had in place. I put my wedding ring back on. I am determined to make this work, do things differently, get help from therapy, be more positive. Yada Yada Yada.
WW report. Weighed in last Saturday and have lost point-eight of a kilo. Oh well, better than nothing, although I was expecting to have lost a lot more, since I had diarrhoea for most of the week! Have decided that Beany & I will have a ‘nice’ (ie: non-diet!) lunch on Saturdays after therapy and then I have a week to be ‘good’ again!
Tuesday, May 8th
Kate and I had a really nice few hours this evening. Cooked dinner, talked. Went through her science exam questions and talked about them. Then we had to go pick up Beany at 7:30 from school (she had a parent/teacher night) and it wasn’t the same them. Beany was walking up the stairs, and noticed that there was a squashed snail on the stairs. Kate said “You trod on the snail!” Beany said “I did not, it was already there”. Kate, instead of admitting she was wrong and apologising, says “You must have, because it wasn’t there before!”. Beany asks me to step in and ‘witness’ the conversation. Kate keeps re-iterating that Beany MUST have killed the snail. Kate is lying on the lounge with very defiant body language and says that maybe Beany needs her eyes checked. Beany calls on me to intervene. I just get really angry. I do not want to deal with this! I end up shouting at them both and slamming my study door, putting out my ‘do not disturb’ sign. I HATE it when it’s like this. I hate having to adjudicate because they both use me to get at each other and make me ‘take sides’. I think that they should sort it our for themselves. But then again, Beany has a mental illness. How much does this affect her thinking? What if she had laughed it off and made a joke of it? What if she backs Kate into a corner and Kate just keeps digging that hole deeper and deeper? What if we go with the theory that Beany is an adult and should set a better example? It makes me so depressed, angry and frustrated, especially in light of the fact that when Kate and I are together without Beany we get along so well. I know I behaved inappropriately. I do not know how to stop feeling angry about it.
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