There's no place like home
I didn't get a call to work today! It felt really weird- the first day in 9 weeks that I haven't worked. I am a bit concerned, though, because financially I am now down two working days- as next week is only 4 days because of Easter. A bit scary.
Therapy again tonight. I had lunch with Melissa today, which was good. I haven't even seen her since the start of term!
Well, tomorrow I go back to being day-to-day casual, on call. Although I have got 5 days booked out of the 9 days left of term, so it's not too bad. I have to go to an inservice on Wednesday afternoon, whether I'm working or not.
I met a new friend for coffee on Saturday, and I think we got along quite well! I would really like to see her again, but it was a bit awkward to just say that. All those insecurities and 'what ifs' start clogging up my head. What if she thinks I'm weird? What if she just thinks I'm an idiot? What if she's wondering how to get rid of me? yada yada yada. Mind you, yesterday I was cool about it, it was only after a night's sleep that my mind started harassing me with all that stuff. Oh well. Whatever. I think she's nice and I hope we can be friends. Now this is pretty weird, because she'll possibly (probably?) read this. (Hi, B!). And then I'll just be really embarrassed. Oh well. I guess if I'm gonna have this online journal, it's gonna happen from time to time!
The other thing that happened is that I got invited to a 'How to Host a Murder' party. One of the teachers at school is having it in the holidays. At first I was horrified, but I'm slowly starting to think that it might be OK. But I'd like to know where the hell I'm going to get an EXTRA large baseball uniform!
It's Saturday morning, I have done most of my housework, Kate is gone, I have Ani DiFranco on the stereo, and it's therapy day today. I am in a pretty good mood!
Kate started crying this morning about having no friends. I know this was a tactic to avoid cleaning up her room, and I said that I would talk to her about it after her room was cleaned. (Which she did when she realized she wasn't going to get out of it!) I asked her about it later. She says that 'nobody' at school likes her and that she has no friends. I don't know what to say about this. I asked her if she did anything to make the other kids not like her (like teasing, for example) and she said she didn't. She said that she is nice to them and they just walk away. This is a tough one. I don't know how to deal with this. She has always been a loner, and preferred her own company. She has never been a child to have a 'best' friend. I don't know how much of what she is saying is true. I know that she corrects other kids when they are wrong, which may explain why some of the kids don't like her. (No-one likes to be told they are wrong!) But I also know that she is genuinely kind-hearted and giving. Last week she came home and told me that one of the boys had held her head down against a bench and wouldn't let her up, despite that she was repeatedly saying, "don't" and "let me up". I said that she had to tell the teacher straight away if someone keeps doing something after you have said no. She said, "Well how could I when I couldn't get up?". I got really angry then, with the boy. I told Kate to tell him that if he does it again, I will be coming to speak to him and his mother (whom I know). I wanted to go and get the boy and hold his head down and see if he liked it. What is the protocol here? How much do you let them fight their own battles? How much do you step in and protect them? She told me of another incident where she was standing in line and a boy started wiggling her glasses up and down. She scowled at him and said, "Don't do that, I don't like it!", and then he pinched her on the arm. She is perplexed and bewildered as to why he did either of these things to her. She can't comprehend why some kids are nasty and spiteful for no particular reason. Neither can I.
Kate and I had a really good day today, both before and after school. It always surprises the hell out of me when that happens, but I like it!
Wow! A friend of mine (hi Mox!) sent me The new Ani DiFranco CD and another one by a grrrl called Ember Swift. Excellent! I am so excited- no body ever sends me good stuff like that!
At work they are all talking about the end-of-term night out, and I'm feeling anxious already! I am torn between wanting to fit in and be a part of the school… and just wanting to stay home for a variety of reasons (too expensive/too nervous/too far away/too hard to get a babysitter). But, I'll probably go anyway.
This afternoon was a bad one. I spent the whole time being absolutely livid. I won't go into the details except to say that I didn't say a word to Kate for fear of saying something I would later regret.
I have a vague feeling that one of the other teachers I work with may possibly be a dyke. But I think it's probably just wishful thinking on my part!
School is OK at the moment, but I don't think I've ever looked forward to the holidays as much as I'm looking forward to these ones. It's currently the middle of week 8. Holidays start on the Friday of week 11. 16 school days to go, and counting! I can't wait! I am going to sleep the whole time.
Therapy was actually OK last night, which is a bit of a change! Maybe I'm getting somewhere… where ever that is….
Kate and I saw a picture of Xena on one of those Sunday paper magazines this morning. Although I have never seen the show, I always admired the whole Xena concept. The idea of a woman being powerful and strong and not needing to be helped or rescued is very attractive. Then Kate asked me why she had a sword and that other round thing she carries (I assume it's some king of weapon?) and it occurred to me that, like her male equivalents, she still uses violence to sort out her problems. Kind of like the whole Demi Moore thing in G.I Jane…. Does it make it 'right' just because a woman does it? I don't know what the answer is here. Still, if you're gonna be a princess, might as well be a warrior princess. (Thanks to Mary from my guestbook for that quote!).
So much to do- so little time. I haven't even marked my kids' homework books- let alone planned anything for tomorrow!
"Well it's full speed baby…. in the wrong direction…" Thanks, Alanis. Sometimes I feel like that and especially today. I don't know what's going on with therapy at the moment. I can't seem to get past this thing… even when I acknowledge that it's happening. I guess it'll just take time.
I've been having some good days and bad days at school. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a really good job and that I am a good teacher and the kids are actually learning something (which, after all, is the whole point). Other days I feel so dispensible and insecure, being a 'just a casual'. I can't afford to have opinions of my own yet. I am dreading next term when I will have to write a program and actually be responsible.
I went out with Sandy today, which was really good. It's so hard to get some time together now that she's working. I haven't even seen Melissa for about 7 weeks! We often used to have lunch when I wasn't full-time. It's weird that people spend such a large proportion of their time working. It's kind of an odd thing to do, when you think about it.
Well, so much for February. As you've probably noticed, I've been a little bit busy over the past month. I have been working full-time for the past six weeks, and I have three-week block starting tomorrow. I am supposed to be getting myself organized, but I am displaying classic avoidance behaviour, and writing this instead.
Therapy is becoming really heavy at the moment. I seem to be stuck on some issues that really need sorting out. I am still going twice a week, even though it's a real strain on my budget.
I have been contemplating taking Kate out of her school and taking her to school with me. The main reason for this is that it is costing me $120 a fortnight for before and after school care and the fees are about to go up when the centre loses their government funding in April. Fucking government. Typical that as a single mother I can't get adequate, affordable child care. It really makes me sick. I was better off financially last year on a pension and working a few days here and there than I am working full-time. That is so fucking illogical. Just another government ploy to keep women at home. At least I can say that I didn't bloody vote for the bastards.
There's no place like
home
October (15.10.97 to 31.10.97)
November (1.11.97 to 15.11.97)
November (16.11.97 to 30.11.97)
December (1.12.97 to 31.12.97)
