June, 2001!
June, 2001
Note:
English is written top to bottom, so you will have to scroll down to read the latest stuff! I cannot get used to adding stuff to the ‘top’, it’s just not *right* !! Also, you may need to hit your ‘reload/refresh’ button if you have visited this page before! *g*
Sunday, 17 June 2001
I know, I know. Half way through June already. Only 2 entries in May. Yes, yes, I am very slack. Saw Moulin Rouge yesterday, and loved it so much that Beany and I wanted to see it again, so we took Kate with us to a later session! I don’t think I’ve ever done that before- seen the same movie twice in one day! It was nothing short of brilliant! I loved it!
Am supposed to be getting organised for school tomorrow, but instead am writing this. 3 weeks to go until holidays and I am soooo desperate for them!! I worked my butt off this Term to catch up with my work from last Term and now I am just exhausted. I am going to be organised next Term, just wait and see. I am reading this book called “Organising from the Inside Out” or something like that. Beany actually bought me the “Time Management from the Inside Out” but I read the jacket and you need to be organised first before you can manage your time. So, she bought me the 1st one! *g* I am half way through it but had to stop for a few weeks to get my portfolios done. I am up to the “sort and purge” stage. That’s my plan for the holidays- sort and purge my study!! I have soooo much crap….but I am excited by the idea of getting rid of it all and being uncluttered and organised. I think I’m even getting a filing cabinet!!! (4 drawers of course!). Will have to save for that. Don’t mention money. Makes me feel sick. For 2 years we have had an excellent system….. not used our line of credit…. No ‘other’ debt (apart from Mortgage and Personal loan) and basically lived comfortably. Since we had our 2 week separation I insisted on being financially independent. Which is ideologically a good idea, but I earn 20 thousand a year less than Beany… so practically this does not work. I feel constantly stressed about the money. Beany says that I go straight for the negative (which is true) and that I am not destitute, nor am I in any danger of becoming so. I know this is true. I just wanted to prove (initially) that I could live without her, financially, if I had to. I don’t know what the solution is. Will have to think some more about that.
WW report. I have lost 7 and a half kilo’s!! (16.5 pounds, apparently!). I have been *very* good. In 7 weeks. Once a week, on Saturdays, Beany and I go out for lunch and I have a ‘normal’ (?! What is normal???) meal where I just have what I want. But then I go straight back to eating healthy. Sometimes I hate it, especially as Beany is not doing it too, and there have been times where she has eaten things that I have wanted and don’t allow myself to have. Mum visited today and I haven’t actually seen her since I started and she was amazed by how good I looked! I can’t *really* notice the changes- I live with it every day and it seems painfully slow to me! Some of my clothes seem a little looser. It was at about this point last time I was on WW that I got slack, but I am DETERMINED to achieve this time!!!
Things are OK with Beany and I. Her aggro behaviour has stopped. We are sharing the bedroom and even have had sex a couple of times. I am terrified of intimacy. Beany craves affection, kissing, cuddling and I just cannot provide it for her. I don’t know why, I don’t know what the solution is. I think it’s because of all the really bad, aggro fights where my primitive brain just said “this person is really DANGEROUS” and went into “flight” mode. That part of my brain still remembers the feelings and cannot trust that it will not be hurt again, so therefore cannot be ‘intimate’ (not as in sex-intimate). I guess we will have to work on that in Therapy.
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