There's no place like home
Yes, I know, it's been a while… I have survived my first week at school, it wasn't even a whole week at that. There is a possibility that I might get to have my class for a whole year! This thought terrifies me, even though I keep saying it's what I really want- a full-time job. I am absolutely paranoid that I am not good enough, that I don't know enough, that I don't have the resources, the knowledge, the information. But on the other hand, I am ecstatic that it might happen. I really like the class, they are great kids. I don't know if I will be disappointed or relieved if I don't get to keep them. I am feeling totally overwhelmed by the amount of information I have to teach.
Over the last few days I have been having this fantasy about getting back together with my ex-husband. OK, and all you lesbians out there reading this, DON'T PANIC! This is just what I said, a fantasy. It's not about 'him' or even gender. It's not even about sex. It is about wanting that kind of security that a relationship brings, and it involves him because we had a relationship before. I want someone to come home to, I want financial security. I am tired of struggling about money issues, I am tired of raising Kate on my own, I am tired of having no relief from responsibility. I would like someone to ask me how I am when I get home. I would like some support, I would like someone to say, "Hey, it's gonna be OK, you're doing a good job". I want a family- not just Kate and I. I want a house and a dog and friends over. I am so tired of being alone. However, I know this is not going to happen, not in the near future anyway, not with him, not with a woman either. That kind of relationship takes commitment and absolute dedication, and above all, time.
Maybe I'm just having an emotional time, what with all the stress about work. My hair seems to be falling out, and I think that's stress related.
Had a pretty good day today, even though I am very tired. I think my finances are going to work out OK, which is good, as I was a bit concerned about that.
Yesterday one of the kids bought a "Power Rangers" video. I turned it off after one episode & wouldn't let them put it on again. I honestly can't possibly see how this is made for children and supposed to be good? I mean- they solve all their problems with violence!! How can parents possibly let their children watch it? It horrifies me, it really does. After I turned it off, the kids all started 'pretending' to be power rangers, using the 'pretend' violence on each other. When I commented, they said, "We're only pretending, we're not really doing it". And it was only the boys that we're displaying this 'pretend' aggression. Very interesting.
I feel a little bit better today. Kate has been much better, and we actually had a civil discussion this morning about what to do about her behaviour. We have decided to do a chart of all the behaviours that are unacceptable and she is going to be responsible for putting a 'sad' face if she displays the behaviour or a 'star' if she goes the whole day without doing any of them. She has been really good with her room, and it works on the same principle, that she is responsible for her own behaviour. And as for the reasons "why"… I don't know. I asked her, and she said, "It's just because I am tired of waiting to be in Year 1". Who can possible understand that response?
I have had no chocolate today, and not likely to get any now!
On the way home from therapy, Kate and I were indulging our little fantasy about how we are going to get two dogs when we get a house, when I get a partner. This is my true dream… a house in the country, a loving partner… two dogs, Kate…a career that I'm happy with… friends, family… barbecues on the weekend… this is the stuff I yearn for.
Had a shocking day today. I felt like crying all day. A couple of kids at the centre were being particularly obnoxious and I just wanted to say, "I don't get paid enough for this" and walk out. I didn't, of course, and I have another 4 days to go. I think I'm still angry and upset with Kate from yesterday. Everyone justifies it and says, "Oh, but its holidays" or "she's an only child" or whatever other excuse there is for her behaviour, but they don't have to live with it. People are very good at dispensing 'you shoulds'.
I get so bewildered when I watch kids play. Why are the boys always, invariably violent and rough? I mean I know this topic's been done to death but it never fails to amaze me when I see it happening day after day. I can't comprehend why this happens. If it's a socialization thing, why don't we stop it? Why hasn't it changed if we know why it occurs? Why are cartoons, shows supposedly for children, so violent? And if TV is part of the problem, why aren't girls just as affected? Why are boys allowed to be like that? I cannot fathom it.
(Later) Kate came home with another display of rudeness and bad manners. I cannot tolerate this anymore. She has been behaving like this for over a week now, and I am so fucking angry that she can't seem to learn from it. I cancelled her party yesterday, and threw out her Spice girls poster, and she is still doing the same things. She does not seem capable of learning from previous experiences. It's 7:30 and I am going to sleep, I am too angry, stressed and frustrated to do anything else.
I am eating chocolate again. I have no idea why. I have no idea why I have no control. Why are some people Drug addicts? Alcoholics? Sex addicts? Speed freaks? I have no answers to these questions. I don't know why I get so stressed. I am good at pretending everything is OK when I am in company… it's just by myself that I have to face my fears.
I feel disgusted with myself today. We had McDonalds on the way home. I justify it by saying that I am too tired to cook, that we haven't anything at home to cook anyway, etc, etc. And all of these things are valid, but they are not excuses. I can't make excuses. I am feeling very tired, fat and depressed. One more day to go before the weekend. And a shocker of a day it's going to be, too.
I was going to ring Ed again this weekend to see if he'd help with my school stuff, but now I wonder if that's a bit rude. I mean, I really just want someone to tell me what to do, instead of just working it out for myself. I am avoiding the responsibility (surprise, surprise!).
I hate the DSS. That's all I am going to say about that.
Kate and I cleaned her room this afternoon. We threw out everything!. Well, I let her keep some things! *grin* It was very cleansing, and she is going to try & change her behaviour! Instead of me checking up on her, she is going to be responsible, and she gets to put her own 'tick' on her calendar every night when she goes to bed. I am hoping that this will help, putting the focus on her own behaviour and responsibilities, instead of making me that 'bad guy'. I think I will have to take a photo to remind her how beautiful her room can look!
Why is it that no matter how much Vegetables/Rice/Fruit, etc, I never feel full? I always feel empty and kind of craving afterwards. I always feel like I want to put something into my mouth…. Food, a cigarette when I'm smoking… that's about it, really. I can't explain it- Oh, I know, I know, the old Freudian oral-fixation thing, but really, I don't think it's a simple as that. And that Freud sounds like a real pig anyway.
I keep having dreams (nightmares, really!) that I am in a classroom with nothing prepared. It's really awful, I wake up feeling absolutely panicked. I know Celeste & I have talked about this before, about my fear of not being prepared, not having anything to offer anybody. I think these dreams are more to do with the fact that I still have no idea what I am going to teach my 4th graders in that first fortnight of term. I have 2 weeks left to prepare for that. Sheesh!
Wow. What a weird and full-on week I've had. I am tired from the simple lack of sleep!
Kate came home today and I am very happy about that (so far!). I really missed her, I think this is the longest she has been away.
I had a very stressful session with Celeste last Tuesday. I know I am keeping everything in… keeping everything inside so that it doesn't escape and get out of control. Although that sounds melodramatic, and plain psychotic! It's not… I guess I try to get through my life without feeling any of those sad, painful lonely feelings that I have, and most of the time I can manage to do this, to avoid dealing with things. But really, Christmas brings it all up for me, and I get so stressed at Christmas/ New Year time. That's why I put on four kilograms- that's how I kept it all down inside… I need to deal with it. I need to stop making excuses. I need to feel the feelings and stop pretending that I can just cover them up. It sounds worse written down, like some sort of American psychobabble… but it's much more difficult to explain it in words. I know what I mean anyway!
Home from my first day of fifteen days of hell. Actually, I am exaggerating. Hell couldn't be that bad! Seriously, though, it wasn't that bad. It's just boring! I hate standing around supervising… I tend to daydream and not pay attention. Oh well. Fourteen to go…. and counting!
Celeste day tomorrow. I will have to apologize to her for being so angry the last session before the break. Of course, I was angry that she was having the break… but she's the therapist so she should know that anyway. I just get nervous and anxious around Christmas time… Kate had already gone to mums… Sandra was working… Celeste was having a break… I just felt abandoned and lonely, and I expressed it as anger.
Actually, I don't feel so bad today. At least I'm working, and I always feel better when I'm working. I have met some really lovely people online lately, too… and that's kind of cheered me up a bit… given me something to look forward to.
I put on four kilograms over Christmas and I'm feeling a bit panicky about that. I'm trying to avoid dealing with it, but I know I will have to… and I know there's no easy way, like the million other times I've done it. It's my thing, my drug, my addiction, but unlike other drugs it's so difficult to separate from 'normal' life. I can't 'cold turkey' it and just not eat. I can't logically understand why I have (seemingly) no control over it. Oh well…. More employment for Celeste, I guess.
I am in a quandary about shaving my legs. On the one hand, I mostly like having hairy legs. I shouldn't have to shave them; I don't like shaving them. I think it's a waste of time and money. I like being "dykey"… I like the feeling of having a choice in the matter. And besides, I always wear long pants so it's hardly ever an issue. On the other hand, I went out in a pair of shorts today. I justified it by thinking it was OK, I was only going to Melissa's for a swim, it wasn't like I was going anywhere. (It was unfortunate that I had to stop for petrol on the way, but really, no one would've seen my furry legs!). On they way home, I thought that perhaps I would shave them after all. But then I remembered the "prickly legs" thing, and the expense of razors, moisturizers, etc, etc. Hairy legs are actually quite soft and silky. And then, I just thought, "Fuck it". I will not be pressured into doing it by some ridiculous "rule" that says women have to have shaved legs. I mean, really, how weird is it that women do this, when you think about it logically? And why should I conform to some Masculine (how many me do you know that like women with hairy legs?) ideal of what I should look like?
Then again, maybe I'm just lazy!
Well, well, well, that was interesting. Spent early New Years Eve with Paul McDermott, Mikey Robbins and Julie McCrossin (what a babe!), then later in the evening I was with Elle McFeast (another babe!), and after midnight, went to bed with Frank Moorhouse.
Now, really, what is the big deal about getting trashed & wasted on New Years Eve? Just about everyone online talked about how they were going to 'go out and get pissed of course!' Maybe I'm getting old. I mean, I just can't see the point in spending all that money just to feel sick/ throw up/ pass out. Three beers spaced over an afternoon/evening are about all I can cope with.
But then again, maybe I'm just jealous!
I spent yesterday afternoon/ evening drinking those three beers, with my sister and some 'new' friends. Actually, one of the guys is a work-mate of my sisters, the other was his partner, and another is a dyke friend of theirs. We had a really great time, just talking and laughing. It's been a while since I've done that!
Speaking of the word "Dyke", I had this strange message in my guestbook, implying that I was 'slapping myself in the face' using the word 'dyke', and 'saying bad things about people'. I mean, where is this person from, the '50's? (They were too gutless to leave their name or contact details). Obviously they just don't get the whole idea of taking words back- taking the 'bad' words and using them for positive, powerful purposes. I agree: the word used to be very derogatory, but I think we're beyond that. (Apart from those ignoramuses that still like to shout it out at you… which, by the way, are mostly teenage drunk boys in packs) I mean, make the word positive and it becomes positive- I love it! It's strength and power and means you're not gonna take any shit anymore. I am proud to wear the label and I am not scared of words.
There's no place like
home
October (15.10.97 to 31.10.97)
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November (16.11.97 to 30.11.97)
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