Got any good clean jokes? Well e-mail them to me and I'll put them up :~) Here's a couple of jokes I've got.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
On a holiday flight a naughty little boy was running up and down the aisle of the plane and annoying all the passengers. His parents were watching the film and not talking any notice. Eventually one of the passengers got so cross he shouted, "Hey you! Little boy! Why don’t you go and play outside!"
Once there was a man who couldn’t get a job anywhere. He had been out of work for years. He’d been on all the courses. He’d been to all the job interviews. There was only one job left – a job at the zoo. So the next morning he went down to the zoo and asked the keeper if he had any jobs spare.
"I’m sorry, we haven’t… Oh actually I think we have. All our monkeys have run away. Could you dress up as a monkey for me?"
"Yes certainly," the man replied (as he was desperate for a job." So he put on the monkey suit and got into a cage next door to the loins.
It wasn’t too long before he noticed a large hole in the wire between his cage and the lions’. Then one of the lions noticed the hole in the wire too, and ambled through into the monkey cage.
The man in the monkey suit started shouting out, "Oh please, pleease, pleeease don’t eat me. I’m not a monkey; I’m a person. And I’m a very skinny person!"
And the lion replied: "Shut up! Keep your voice down or we’ll all be out of a job."
A LETTER FROM CAMP
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
From the bookshelf…
A Cliff-top Tragedy………………… by Eillen Dover
Moving Day…………………………by Ivor Newhouse
Drums and Trumpets……………… by Major Headache
My Most Embarrassing Moment..... by Lucy Lastick
The Return of the Prodigal Son……by Gladys Back
Stranded on the Motorway…………by Buster Tyre
