Hello.Most of the material below I found on the Internet, and some of them are " email forwards. Hopefully it will brighten your up day :) Have Fun and HOPEFULLY you are an open-minded person, who won't be offended by any of these :O
[11-1-99] You know you're ghetto when...1.Your drinking glasses used to be jelly jars 2.You still refer to your stereo as Hi-Fi 3.You don't think you're clean unless there is visible baby powder on your neck and chest. 4.You use black eyeliner to line your lips 5.You wear a showercap everywhere in the shower 6.You clean your teeth with a matchbook or a business card 7.The only art you own is your fingernails 8.Your baby has a bow or barrette on her one strand of hair 9.Your are known for rolling the follwing: neck,eyes,or wrist 10.You refer to the wind as the hawk ...for more go here
You might be a computer geek... 1.if (DEC 25 = OCT 31) means true to you. 2.when you're reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it. 3.you're grossly offended that anyone would want to make their Linux box work anything like Windows 95 4.your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights. 5.you salivate when you hear the word, "upgrade" 6.you use old CD-ROMs as coasters... ...and you've collected a matching set for every room in your house. ---from http://www.youmightbe.com
You might be a nurse if....1.your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's 2.you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work. 3.you think that caffeine should be available in IV form. 4.you have the bladder capacity of five people ---from http://www.youmightbe.com
You might be a "high-tech" redneck if... your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com" you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all" your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games ---from http://www.rdspecial.com/fun/index.html6 Reasons Tinky Winky can't be gay. 1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama. 2. He's kinda obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public figures) are in remarkable shape. 3. That headpiece. Where I rate it for its FABULOUS height, it really doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. A true gay person would have accessorized it with beads and/or something frilly. 4. He hangs out in a meadow... ummmm skip that one, George Michael in the park ruined that analogy for me 5. He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said. 6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that....HELLO, it screams "I'm small down there and I don't care who knows it". Sorry, Tinky can't be gay. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quail Language "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms Benign.............................. What you be after you be eight Artery.............................. The study of paintings Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die Cesarean Section.................... A neighborhood in Rome CAT scan............................ Searching for kitty (personal favorite) Cauterize........................... Made eye contact with her Colic............................... A sheep dog Coma................................ A punctuation mark D & C .............................. Where Washington is Dilate.............................. To live long Enema............................... Not a friend Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else Hangnail............................ What you hand your coat on Impotent............................ Distinguished, well known Labor Pain.......................... Getting hurt at work Medical Staff....................... A doctor's cane Morbid.............................. A higher offer than I bid Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates Node................................ I knew it Outpatient.......................... A person who has fainted Post Operative...................... A letter carrier Recovery Room....................... Place to do upholstery Secretion........................... Hiding something Seizure............................. Roman Emperor Tablet.............................. A small tablet Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport Tumor............................... More than one Urine............................... Opposite of you're out Varicose............................ Near by/close by Layman's Guide to Chinese Chinese Phrase English Translation -------------- ------------------- Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host Kum Hia Approach me Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island Lao Zi Not very good Lin Ching An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B. Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hickphonics Oakland tried to cash in with the Feds by labeling Black slang, "Ebonics," as a language. The southern states have decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this would be a Hickophone. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew." BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Lanner, and boy my arms are tarred." FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor? Go bah me that Dash Rip Rock tape" GUBMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmit boys shore are ignert." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" 51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes. 52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!" 53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament. 54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy. 55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part. 56. Make chalk drawings on the walls. 57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!" 58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on. 59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going. 60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FART CHART By an unknown author 1. A vain person: One who loves the smell of his own fart. 2. Amiable person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts. 3. Proud person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant. 4. Shy person: One who releases silent farts then blushes. 5. Impudent person: One who farts out loud then laughs. 6. Scientific person: One who farts regularly but is concerned with pollution. 7. Unfortunate person: One who tries to fart but shits instead. 8. Nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart. 9. Honest person: One who admits they farted but offers a good medical reason. 10. Dishonest person: One who farts and blames the dog. 11. Foolish person: One who suppresses a fart for hours. 12. Thrifty person: One who always has farts in reserve. 13. Anti-social person: One who excuses himself and farts in private. 14. Strategic person: One who conceals his farts by loud laughter. 15. Intellectual person: One who can determine the smell of his neighbor's fart. 16. Athletic person: One who farts at the slightest exertion. 17. Sadistic person: One who farts in bed, then fluffs the covers over his head. 18. Miserable person: One who farts then starts crying. 19. Aquatic person: One who farts in the bath and then bursts the bubble with his toes.
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