October 14th 00 I love you too Adam, but we've still got a lot to learn, beleive it or not, we aren't as perfect as we thought. But there is love.

October 13th 00 i was stupid to think that you felt nothing, and weren't hurt, just because you didn't show it...i should have known you better than that i was blinded..and i am sorry

October 12th 00 Reading yesterdays thoughts on you...yuck..i really am not that self assured! I can see your side of things, really! I know that i made mistakes, but you did too. We're both at fault. But better things could have come out of this...i am sure of that much. Things will turn around...

you're impossible. Don't you see that i don't care what you think of my life? Your opinion of me doesn';t really matter. No one's does. I'm the only one living my life and i don't care if you think i'm too free-spirited. Just because i don't want to settle into a career and do one thing my life, doesn't mean i'm going to suffer...it seems to me you have no confidence..you're living by the rules of the world. You have so much inside of you, but it has always seemed that you try and be some thing's you arent' for the sake of admiration. I've stopped that...it was a trap! You'll end up living a life that isn't your own! Don't let them run your life..even if you don't realise it, you don't want it! It's your insecurities that's telling you to try and convince me what is right! Don't you realise that i really don' care? I never asked if i should do what i'm doing, i told you!

i should have expected this....it was bound to happen..and now it shouldn't even concern me!..it isn't that i'n not over you..it's been months and i'm happy! I guess i'm just worried that once you're together with someone else, you'll be so wrapped up in them that our potential reunion as friends will be destroyed..you'll forget about everything we had and put everything into her! You'll make her your world, just like you did with me and see that what we had really wasn't that special...you're like that...you don't see the big picture....why does this bother me much..i'm so self-centered!

October 11th 00 You say you want to make things better? This is going to be interesting, except you're affecting me again. I dream about us being friends, and all day watch you for signs of reconsiliation..was that meant for me? Oh I can feel the vibes changing. But what are you really going to do about it? You've never been one for taking action. Telling me you hated me was the bravest thing i've ever seen you do, not that i respect you for it. I think you're pretty insensitive, but I can understand why you felt that need. You've never felt this way about a person, you've never had a TRUE friend before us, and you think i ruined that. Now you see that the only reason it became spoiled was because of your stubborness. Do you remember my weeping an heaving, moaning cries to you? How much hurt i was showing you? I made myself completely vulnerable and you just hung up the phone. It was like that point in the movie when the character reaches it's absolute low, and you are watching them from above. That final click is the sound of realisation, and the cries afterwards remoarse for the person you're being. In my eyes you have hurt me FAR worse than I have ever hurt you because you did it intentionally! I'm so grateful that I can look past everything and see our friendship. I don't want to walk around with hatred in my heart.

passion is like a strong scent that you smell from across the room. Use all of your power to find what's attached to it, and when you do, let it soak into your pores and absorb it into the depths of your mind and soul. I will spend my life bathing myself in that scent and smothering everything that is impure with the overwhelming fragrence of love, beauty and passion. I will wear it with pride and let it seep around corners and spill over onto others so that they too may feel the power that lies within this feeling. I live for my passion and I will die knowing that i sucked the bones of life dry, for everything that they are worth and i will take nothing with me to the grave, but the knowledge that it is in fact the truth.

August 18 oo wake up. go to work. 3 hours. go home. go to bed. wake up. go to work. go home. go to work. 2 hours. go home. go to bed. wake up. go to work. 4 hours. go home. wake up. go to work. go home. eat eat eat eat. go to bed. DAY OFF.eatswimdancesinglovekisshugdrinkphonecartrips friendsadamadamadamadamadamadamadam. go to bed. wake up. go to work...........i miss you so much...where did my freedom go?

July 11 00 i sat on the ledge and looked down...It was never a question of feeling safe..I just wanted to feel free. free and alive! i needed to unchain myself from my inhibitions. I knew the days behind me had gone...gone with the wind and with the dust kicked up by my own heels, and I was almost ready to tread a new path..but there was still something lingering...a faint something. Like the smoke that floats in the air after a gun has been fired...i'm not sure if it was something that would go away on it's own or if it needed convincing. All I knew is that in order to move on I had to get myself the hell away from it! I felt a draft against my bare feet as a dusty pick-up truck sailed by..I wonder if he could have even stopped if he tried..i watched him go over the hill and i watched the cloud of dust he left behind....I watched until it settled back into the dirt road..then there was no sign that the truck had ever even been there. I wondered if people could be forgotten that quickly........as i pulled myself up through the window i tripped on the hem of my dress and almost tumbled off the ledge......

i drink my green tea and look around the room. The walls were pale and, like me, appeared to have no confidence with their bare white surfaces. The cat brushed up against my left leg, and my right, and against my left again..he opened his mouth to let out a mew, but just closed his eyes and looked pained with his mouth struggling to make a sound. My hair blew out of my face as the fan blasted me with a shot of cool air..i tilted my shin and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze..and then it turned. My leg burned and my immediate instinct was to itch..i wasn't quite sure where the red rash had come from..I had dreams where it spread over my entire body before I did anything about it. And i still wouldn't. The only place it woulnd't attack is my face..I could cover everything else and no one would see it. I would wake up crying from those dreams...and having no one beside me....well...i would continue to cry, and realise nothing else but the fact that i woudl always be this pathetic. No one would ever see anything more than my face, and if my entre body was a reddened swelled mess no one would care....i sipped my tea and got some more. I turned on the t.v. to find one of those mid afternoon soaps on where no one cared if a woman decided to run off with her lover instead of showing up on time for her HIV test..she would go her entire life without knowing teh truth..and they woudl live happily togetehr forever in their tiny little diseased world until they died from it..but neither of them would see the difference because everyone would be affected..and it could be no other way.......i turned it off... everyone was living in a world like theirs....where everything they can see is more important than what they COULD be seeing....

April 4 00 "Nothing is either good or bad, only thinking makes it so." -William Shakespeare

March 29 00 I’ve always been one for excitement, so it only makes since that it would carry over into my romantic relationships. Being an actor may be part of it, I'm so dramatic. I get so lost in myself, and I sometimes can’t distinguish between who I am and whom I'm playing. It’s beginning to confuse me so much. Will I ever learn how to follow my heart? And know exactly what I want? Hopefully I will not always be a cheater. Or maybe I never was. Maybe I’m just following my heart, trying to make myself happy. It is really important to be happy, but I tend to forget other people in the process. People are right, I am greedy. I wish I could find the happy medium, but I’ve always been one to do what’s best for me. Living a boring life, full of…nothing has never appealed to me, so I’ve made a point to avoid getting stuck in a situation that wasn’t getting me where I want to be. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and they mostly appear to be the same. How do I manage to repeat the same one again and again without learning not to repeat it? I thought that I was becoming a new person. I thought that I had grown to change. But the way things are going I appear to be the same self-centered heart breaker I have been for so long…..

March 17 00 i'm so torn....i had such an incredible time i wish i could stay holed up in your room forever...oodilalie oodilalie golly what a day..and you knew, you understood..I didnt have to say a word..I was so amazed!! You made me feel so much better..and helped me be honest with you and with myself..but can I be honest with him? I can't stop thinking about you...where is this going to go? what am I doing?

March 16 00 I'm about to go meet you for the first time...i'm so nervous....but i'm lucky to have a friend like you.

March 05 00 Nov/22/99-"Without my dreams I would be lost..after a long day..after feeling everything start to crumble..all it takes is an evening of recluse...candles..soul music..a few words and a long nights sleep. These things intice my dreams.. I fall into my deep sleep and I enter my world. It isn't perfect and is completely believable. That is what's so mysterious about dreams. They are so real! and they come from somewhere real!..they HAVE to! How could something that wonderful not exist somewhere? My mind is full of beautiful things that should exist..and it's up to me to create this world! oh it's a good world. it's MY world and it will exist. I am determined..it is my PURPOSE! Oh sweet night come upon me and proclaim your intent! Tell me WHEN! oh and WHERE! Just assure me that it is going to COME!"

February 26 00 oh my god i'm so in love! you're my best friend, i just can't get enough of you! Life is so amazing..i look forward to every day we spend together..i look forward to the blizzards and photo booths...and all of the movies...and pb&j sandwhiches and the tree house...and the beach..and the stars..i'm just falling all over the place!

February 18 00 I lay out in the field, grass tickling my back, smoking a tightly rolled joint and looking up at the starry sky. The tiny diamonds seemed to wink at me and I felt like the entire night was laughing behind my back. I could hear the sound of the jazz band playing at the other end of the field and had one of those far away feelings. I closed my eyes and took a long drag, holding in the smoke, inhaling deeply for almost a full minute, until the smoke tickling the back of my throat made me choke. I could sense someone coming towards me, entering my space and saw a shadow cast across the pool of moonlight shining on my bare belly. You didn’t say a word, just lay down beside me. I offered you a hit from my joint but you sighed and waved it away. I shrugged and brought it up to my lips. The band began to play an old favorite and the drunken crowd began to holler. I could feel you looking at me, but I just stared straight up at the sky where there was always something new to look at. I knew that if I were to look over at you I would see the same blue eyes and feel the same breath on my skin that I was so used to. I took another drag and burned my fingers. “Holy SHIT!” I threw it down and looked over at your eyes. In the moonlight they almost looked green…..

February 3 00 my life is over my writing is all gone.....i'm numb i have no clue what to do.....my most most most most most prized posessions....erased...my whole fucking life history GONE....I can't face anything...i'm crying all over the place..

January 31 00 Elvis droned in the background....Costello not Presely...I lifted my eyes to the fan above my head...it shook the ceiling and was psychodelic in the candlelight....i took a drag and watched the smoke circle over my head.....i could smell the varnish on my freshly painted toenails...they sparkled irridescently..this was my favorite part in the song and i hummed along..not worrying about waking you. I figured you'd be awake by now anyway..the smell of the smoke was strong. "I won't refuse if you know how to use it Just stop playing that ugly drug music.." I chuckled as I flicked the butt out the open window onto the balcony..you stirred and i turned my attention towards your facial expression...while you slept you seemed to figure out everything that was wrong...that's why I trusted you...it seemed that you were sitting on top pf the world and If i followed you around long enough I would reach that very same place...I was beginning to lose hope that I would amount to anything..and maybe i'd spend my life crawling around patetically..getting high every night by myself....I did it to forget...because for a while it made me feel better about who I was becoming..i was comforted by the fact that I was still pretty enough to score a gram off the corner for under the average price..just my lifting up my dress a little..."So tonight I'm drinking to your health Because tonight I just can't stand myself" i smirked and scanned the floor looking for my Malboros..you opened one eye and pointed with your toes to the empty pack lying on the floor. "fuck" I said, reaching for my papers....

January 21 00 old thoughts tend to resemble new ones...a melding of false realities and masked dreams....digging through old papers i come across peices of notebook paper..they're filled with poems and thoughts and words that a girl who was me wrote a year ago...i wonder if i have really changed at all..or if i even resemble that girl............. "so i was wondering how you look at me..am i a girl on the street wearing red or an angel in the sky? Am I a soul that needsto be saved or a free spirit to admire and follow..how do you see me?" i don't beleive i am either one of those things..which proves that now i have learned that it is not important to be an exteme always...

"and when i turn around
I see a me so real
only I could ever beleive
the look on her face
describes the feelings I feel
and the warmth in my heart
shows that none was lost
completed
fitted
satisfied
is how i feel
almost overpowered by the contentment inside of me
but filled to the brim"

filled to the brim.....of what? this poem makes me sound like a lesbien, but somehow i don't think those are the feelings i had...i love that whole feeling you get at times like those...some things can't be described with words..
"i am always feeling this need to be the same. I have to have enough everything to have anything at all.. Up the ramp, two by two. all is lost if all does not match. Two souls, two smiles, even two feelings...so different yet all the same bullshit...it's all inside of me so it's all one and nothing matches....so why the need?"
i've come to realise that nothing ever matches on the inside.....and the only person I really need to please is myself.....the next one i found sounds a lot like the last...
"I feel this need to be admired. If I am not always the bright red rose amoungst all of the thorns than I may as well be a weed. I could never settle to become the proud poppy or the wild yellow daffodil. If I cannot always be the rose, I become a wild flower.."
this brings me to one conslusion...i am way to self-absorbed.........
"I think it's kind of incredible that I get a room all my own. It's mine. The world stops at my door and when I walk in I fall into a dream. A dream that is mine. The only solid secure thing I have is myself, and my creative thoughts and feelings are exhibited on my walls.A warm familiar feeling washes over the thresh-hold of my own kingdom. I am the ruler, wearing the crown. A sense of comfort and belonging is my own in my room. This is whats acceptable, the society of my own world proclaims that. I am the role model for the 'world'"
I write about the strangest things sometimes.....

"SpRaWlEd OuT oN mY bEd At NiGhT
iT sEeMs RaThEr FuNnY
tO lIe In OnE sPoT fOr So LoNg"

"People sleep so much differently than how they walk the day. They often lie there and, in their dreams, become all that they are afraid to be; overcome their greatest fears. Why do we call them fantasy, if there are real emotions. They aren't merely dreams, they are glimpses of ourselves; of our future should you decide to guard that hope that dreams bring."
this is one of my favorites...because i believe that in our dreams we become our true selves...when I wake up crying from one of my dreams it wakes me up to the world. They keep me living. I dream with all of my senses...and then some...

"Without shadow there would be no light"

-marg

January 03 00 Sometimes life is funny. Sometimes life works in strange ways. I ofetn wonder why I try and plan so many things, when what I initially imagine as perfect turns out to be second best. I envisioned 12 o'clock Jan 1 00 to be the most amazing, full minutes of my entire life. I imagined an amazing kiss and an adrenaline rush fast enough to make my heart leap through my chest. when I almost missed the midnight mark and then gave a clumsy misinterpreted kiss from which I felt shy and disappointed afterwards, my heart sank a little bit. But somehow then I realised that things don't always work out the way you plan them. If you could plan life the way you dream it to be, it wouldnt be so mysterious and exciting. Later, huddling in the cold we shared a moment, and a soft kiss. That was what was meant to happen.

December 27 99 It isn't right, how she treats me. She doesn't always do anything....she just hurts me everytime i see her. I wanted to be friends...or at least be truthful..i guess we could never be both, could we. When I came down and saw my poem sitting in front of you, I dind't look at you with accusing eyes. I didn't ask any questions. I just smiled politely and acted as though it wasn't even there. How did you get it? WHY was it there in front of you when it hadn't seen the light in months? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? do I ever wish i knew how to deal with this.....(pleeeassse don't make me angrryyyy)

December 11 99 Life is full of illusions. I look at a person, and the way they treat someone, and see only good. But then maybe with another, it's so easy to put them in a different light. I want to find the one who is perpetually basking in light. The one who doesnt change with it's scenary or company. Someday two faiths will collide and so much good will come from their meeting. One decision will be made and the two will bask eternally in eachothers light.

I sometimes find it difficult to understand why people are even different from me. We were all born into this world, and we all feel the same things; Fear, hatred, joy, love, sadness. Each person interprets the world and the people in it in entirely unique ways. I suppose it is what makes us all very different.

I wonder if many people are as proud as I am. I see all of the blessings around me and feel love and security in my own wisdom. I never fear that life will be worse, only better, because I am in total control. It would be ignorant of me to think that this could ever be a perfect world, but why can't we who were born with rights and free will decide for ourselves how life ought to be? why must we fall into formation? I choose to freestyle and find freedom a far better comfort than the security of being like all of those who beleive that life is a pattern to be repeated. It's not a stamp....it's a newly sharpened lead pencil..and paints! and colored ink....and a beautiful pure white sheet of freedom! I will produce a work of art with mine......

December 11 99 (November 22 99) Without my dreams I would be lost. After a long day, after feeling everything start to crumble, all it takes is an evening of release; candles, soft music, a few written words, some thoughts and a long nights sleep. These things entice my dreams to come out from their hiding places. I fall into a deep sleep and enter my worls. It isn't perfect but is completely beleivable. That's what's so mysterious about them. They are so real and they come from somewhere real..they have to! How could something that wonderful not exist somewhere? My mind is full of beautiful things that should exist, and it's up to me to create this world..oh it's a good world..it's MY world..and it will exist. I am determined and it is my purpose! Oh sweet night come upon me and proclain your intent! Tell me WHEN. Oh and WHERE! Just assure me that it is going to COME!

December 11 99 (November 19 99) Why is it that I feel most alone when I'm with someone? I think that by trying to fill a void makes you realise how big it really is and how impossibleit is to fill. Being in someones arms tonight meant little. He managed to coat myneck with an unecessary amount of saliva and ram his tongue down to the depths of my stomach, but as he leisurly ran his hands up and down my body I longed for the sweet tender kisses of the summer. The way he stood with his arms around me on my front porch those nights, gazing intently into my eyes. Those kisses were oh so sweet, soft...perfect. I long for him to come to me for just one kiss. Lying beside him, just being together, made me so happy. It meant the world at the time..and now I want to GIVE the world just to have it again...

December 1 99 the way she is about beauty....it isn't about the clothes...or even the way she smiles....her every movement is beauty.....the way she carelessly brushes her hair away from her eyes or just lets it fall over her bare shoulders.......her lips are like two pale blossoms.......every word spoken of pure poetry....she draws me in...and then draws me out....her words spike into my heart....some days i just find it difficult to be in her presence.......i want her to admire me as much as i admire her......i want her to look to me when she's alone....think about me when she's basking in light......i want to bask beside her.......she's so very beautiful..almost impossible beauty.....the way she treads lightly through the mud...not around it...the way she drinks her beer....the way she laughs and smiles even when nothing is funny.......the way she cares in that certain way...that no one woudl ever know....it isn't possible to get inside her head...know what she is thinking..she is sacred....she is beauty......she is my sister....

November 22 99 Tonight i just feel like i need her...someone in this world who seems to understand this fantasy world i often seep into. I know it seems crazy, but it isn't just her. I share some of her thoughts..some of her wants..and her needs. She may seem strange, but I think that deep down we can all relate to her...the boy in her head is exactly what i need..for me...my own boy..But when I look at her, I think..she'll always be alone..and that's what I see for myself..I can't think of one person who can live up to the boy in my head...maybe it's true...that our fantasy world is just that........

November 7 99 Intelligence...can be judged it so many ways..I look to the expression in your voice when you're strong. I float above the room and look deep inside my own mind...looking for reasons. Why would I ever choose to do soemthing that makes me so stupid?

November 4 99 I'm starting to fear that maybe they are threatened by my high expectations. I just want to be loved. I want someone who I can love. I need someone who isn't threatened by me. Ssomeone who is confident, alive, someone who wants what they go for. I am strong, but at the same time i have a weakness. I want to be kissed, I want shoulder. I don't want to feel like a stone anymore. Just because you can't figure me out doesn't mean i'm not human, or different from anyone else. I want to be taken..won't someone please step out of the crowd and take my hand?

October 26 99 Incoherent thoughts race around the depths of my brain. I go through that feeling of wondering what is real. The whole world spins away..I almost feel like i'm dead. Sometimes you just look around you and wonder if you're actually seeing everything that's around you. Maybe we're all just living in a dream. And we've been asleep so long that we can no longer tell what is real and waht we are dreaming. Life could be just creations of the subconsience mind....Just remember.."There is no spoon."

October 12 99 Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning out of my control.....

October 5 99 Smoke rimmed eyes, pointed nose, slightly to the east. Lips pursed, forming a tiny little ruby red bow. My neck, arched to the side. I take small deliberate steps, creeping to the corner and peeking 'round. I squint my eyes slightly, "I don't see anything!" I glance down at my careful attire, i spent the past three hours tearing apart my sisters closet, looking for the perfect outfit....i finally decided on tight black pants a blue sweater and a pink feathered boa. (for dramatic impact) I was hot, i felt a dribble of sweat fall onto my exposed foot. These heels were killing me. I heard a noise to my right and quickly raised the gun to a position in which i felt safe to fire. "Freeze!," i shouted, loud enough fo rthe entire building to hear.....

October 3 99 Sometimes, i feel so afraid that I am going to fall into a trap. This trap is rampid with impurities. You, the people who I have known for so long, see a very real me. There is no mistake when it comes to pointing out who I am. But for me it feels so much harder. I'm finding it hard to recongnize what is real. It has been said to me that everything i know is real, and nothing is ficticious. And i can belive that......If reality often feels like strange darkness. Now that everything is starting to feel real and true, i question weather THOSE are real feelings? It all seems like a long game of paddle ball! i'm being pushed back and forth....around and around...........sometimes i'm going at lightning speeds , and often as slow as lead....when will things steady to a pace in which i can BE and fall in LOVE. it's all about love, in the end.

September 14 99 silly me...i'm all choked up..and i have nothing to write to you poor folks. =oP sorry bout the disappontment..hehehe -sarcasm-

July 29 99 I went to this page earlier to see what i was thinking, and for some reason was surprised to find I had nothing written for today. I go here to sort things out sometimes. I find comfort in my own words. -laughs- it's strange. I trust my own advice, and am surprised when it all works out for me. I mean shit. When I go back a read the oldest thoughts I laugh and think 'bullshit'. But I guess that's one thing you have to live with in life. You're not going to like everything that you said. And worse. Other people are gonna like it and gonna quote it as yours. TruTh: ReMaIn AnOnyMouS

July 27 99 The road ahead is looking so bright. Everything is in my hands. But my fingers are wrapped so tightly around the things I have that I'm having trouble letting go. Oh these fingers, grasping in the dark for things that may not exist. But on each one hooked a little memory...a sentimental thing. I just can't leave it behind me. It is so hard. But when I think about what I really want, what my heart wants, It is so clear, and nothing else matters to me. BUT..........etc.etc etc.

July 24 99 I could crawl into my little space and be alone. Just for a while, be at peace. I could tell myself about all of the happy things to come, and not to be afraid of anything as long as I've got myself. Where does death and murder fit in? No where. It isn't a part of my tiny little space. Death is something I read about in books and dream about in foreign lands. Death is a fantasy..people dream about going to a different place. But it is never dramatized or turned into something glamorous. It is something you face at the end of your life, never before. Why must anyone face it before their time?

July 19 99 I feel alone right now. I just want a friend to hold my hand. I jsut don't want to be pushed away..and i don't want to be sucked in. I want to melt and mold against someone who fits. Please hold my hand. Please be there..just understand. YOU don't understand. you try, and i know it's frustrating that i won't explain. But i don't want to explain it to you. Aww i can't hurt you...it's been far too long..I know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know. i just know you're not the one. i need one that I at least think is the one for now. these are shit thoughts. crappy writing.

July 12 99 I'm changing so much before my own eyes. What I want is so different now...All i seem to want now are people who make me laugh. I want to have a good time, because a good time is so much better than a good kiss. Not that those exist. laugh, hang out.....chill.....why can't we all just be friends?

June 29 99 Sometimes the only thing someone needs to hear is 'you are beautiful' there is far more to beauty than the smile on your face or even the sound of your voice. Beauty is so deep. To me, beauty is more like a feeling. Beauty is the feeling I get when I feel a beautiful sunrise, or hear the racing thoughts of another. The way that people express themselves is what makes them beautiful. I would fall deeply in love with somone who expressed their beauty in ways that made other people feel good. Someone who would completely selflessly take the time out of their life to tell someone else why they are so beautiful. It takes courage to show your true beauty. It isn't something that you are born with, it is something that you find. I have been blesses in ways that help me feel my beauty. I found it by seeing other people kind hearts and without all of those gestures I would not be as happy as I am this day. It hurts me to see other people, wonderful people, feel ugly. I am deeply troubled to see that the people who have these negative feelings are often the ones who have the most inside of them, but don't realise it. I think that people who feel pain must truly be blessed to feel something this profound. People who are sad have opportunities to change! Others, who see themselves as perfect leave no room for self improvement and soul searching, but those other people have giant windows of oppourtinity to become the most beautiful people. The only difficulty is getting them to leap through that giant window. Whenever I am sad It helps me realise how precious life is because I have been given these deep deep feelings. I don't need anything but myself to experience life. I have the power to change anything I want, and if I believe in myself no one can stand in my way.

June 20 99

October 19 98

October 08 98

October 07 98