Well I say Josh today. Hmm did'nt argue FOR ONCE! Seem like we always argue lately. I dunno what to do. Sometimes I love him to death yet other times I am ready to just be like *GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU*. I don't know if it is me.. b/c i get bored really easily that we are fighting and it is always my fault or because simply he is being a dick. It is prolly both of us. Like when he flipped out at me at work the other night b/c I did'nt want to hang out. I am sorry I was tired. We hardly get to see each other anymore which was good at first b/c we just need a break but now it's just drawing us apart. Yet when he is around I am either hella happy or can not wait for him to go away. There really is no grey area any longer. I wish that there was someone that could tell me what I should do but I know that there really is'nt. I don't want to break up w/ him but in a way I do. LIke I just wish that we were seeing eacho ther I guess. That way, if we argue o well, not like we are going out or anything . We could do whatever we both wanted go whereever etc etc.. I dunno . I think it's mostly on my part tho. that things are starting to fall apart. I am a complete jerk and asshole and I know it. I mean maybe he does'nt think so but I feel like I have been just treating everyone around me like sit lately. There really isno excuse for it. And today I lied to Josh. I feel terrible about it but I figured that if I did hang out w/ him then at one point in time I was going to flip on him and say some shit that I particularly know that I wouldnot have meant or have done something that I would ave later regretted even tho. I do regret lying to him. It did'nt start off that way tho.. really! me and Jamie were goin to go to the mall today to pick up some shxt. Josh called and I told him that I was going to the mall. He got all upset and wanted to go too. So I was like FINE! Then Chris K. Called (a friend) and asked what I was doing . I said the mall and invited him he said nah and asked me to go to the Hawley fair w/ him. really I would have gone except I really did think that i was going to the mall... so I was like nah and besides I knew that I seen THE WHORE (not chris.. this one bitch that i know) I would have most certainly flipped out on her. So he said to give him a call later and we could go and do something . So I was all happy about that . Chris is my frien at whom in the beginning I did'nt think about further than a friend.. however now I am starting to see him in a whole new light which I know i know I am really not supposed to nor should. But sometimes, you can't really tell yourself what to do . i mean your mind. You can not control who you like and who you don't like. you just do or don't. You know what I mean? So there's problem number 40000 million and one. So anywayz back to my story. I was like Chris.. you gonna be home? he said yea *as usual but is he really going to? absolutely not. See.. that is the way that chris is. He can't help it I guess or anything. I dunno he is weird like that . I completely do not understand him sometimes ither. He is the type of person whom when you talk to will be all up and ready to go hang out but won't actually. well he will but once in a blue moon. So you make plans w/ him anywayz knowing that he won't keep them. Dunno even why I bother but hey. That's what friends are for... I GUESS. So where was I? yea so then I went to pick up Jamie and we went to mete josh. She knew how much I really did'nt particularly want to go and hang out w/ him. So we made up a terrible lie and got out of hanging out w/ him. GUYS OUT THERE! I AM A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND! DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET CLOSE TO ME BECAUSE I AM A BITCH AND I WILL BURN YOU! AND IF YOU THINK THAT I AM STARTING TO LIKE YOU.. PLEASE STAY AWAY.. b/c you will ither get sick of me really soon or i will turn completely around and be an asshole to you. So I am basiclaly not worth any time nor effort. ok? just a PRE-WARNING! So then me and Jamie did'nt go to the Mall b/c I thought taht someone had stolen my paycheck but anywayz, I found it and we went and got ice cream. then I tried to call CHris but some dude that picked up said he went out with some friend and he'd be back soon so i told him just to leave a message with chri that I called and that I'll prolly call back later. Then a few hours later I called back and I dunno who it was that picked up, prolly same dude i dunno said that Chris was still out b/c his friend got paid today and they were out boozing. So lookslike once again try and make plans and yes yes yes they fall through. Which does in a way kinda suck. But in a way it is good b/c I've bene thinking about him wayyy to much lately, and maybe not hanging out w/ him was a good thing. Ya know those times when you are so tempted to do something that you know is wrong? Well can't happen if that thing is'nt there right ? RIGHT! So perhaps in a way it was a good thing athta me and Chris did'nt hang out tonight. So me and jay (Jamie ) went and saw scary movie 2 again. I had already seen it w/ JOsh but Jamie did'nt see it so she went. I wonder who was on the phone? they were weird. I toldthem that i was w/ my friend Jamie and they were just like "are they as hot as you"? WEIRDOS! O yea! Troy was behind us when we were driving riding our ass coming from Hawley tonight. it was awesome we were playing car tag but it was a cool game this time.. I pulled over and then finally went around me and i followed him with my brights on. He turned on his flashers so i did too. Then he pulled over and i passed him and beeped the horn and then later turned on my flashers. he turned off his headlights and these weird like sparkley light on the front of his car turned on. But then he went home. So that was the end of that game. You don't get to play that around here w/ most people that you do not know b/c they are all old and dunno how to play and that kinda crud. I did'nt know who troy was but jay did. I think he was trying to get me to pull over again b/c he kept putting on his directional and slowing down but I did'nt think about it till afterwards so.. I kept going . O well he'll see my car again and vice versa. I mean everyone knows my car mainly b/c of the stickers. to not notice my car one would have to be blind. and yep yep yep I am once again leaking transmission fluid. I am about 95% sure that is the problem so when i get the chance b4 school starts on the 27th I'll have to get it checke dout. this friday coming p will make 5 months that me and JOsh have beentogether. (If we last that long) We'll see.