Ask My Mom!

Q: Ok. What kind of ketchup DO you use?
A: Heinz

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?
A: Depending on the length, width, density of your tongue and saliva production, somewhere between 144 and 441 licks.

Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Isn't that something your mother should have told you?

Q: How should i wash my favorite bondage pants?
A: In the washing machine, with cold water and soap. Air dry. It's simple.

Q: What is the average RMS power consumption of a 250 watt microwave per hour heating 1000 ml of water on a high energy level?
A: Ummm... 4 Ohms.

Q: How do you make cheese?
A: Take a hell of a lot of milk and cook it slowly on the stove. As the curds form, add a cube or two of rennet, found at most specialty stores. This will cause the curds to coagulate. Constantly stirring the curds at this point will give you something more like mozzerella, which will be great. Let the curds cook until you are satisfied with your yield, and then remove, placing them in cheese cloth and allowing them to drain. Then press into a mold.

Q: Is G.G. Allin still alive?
A: No, thank god.

Q: How do you spank a monkey?
A: Put monkey over knee, extend right hand over buttocks, release.

Q: What's the square route of 69??
A: 8.306623862

Q: I was thinking about getting piercings in places i should not. Do you think I should?
A: Go for it.

Q: Why does my penis look like its growing in more toward the right??
A: Lots of penis' aren't perfectly straight, nothing to worry about. Unless it's small AND bent, then that's just pathetic.

Q: Why are guys such assholes sometimes??
A: Inbreeding. If you find one that isn't, give me a call.

Q: Is it just me or is your daughter an awesome alcoholic?!
A: Yeah, she is, lucky for her the legal age in Canada is 18.

Q: My girlfriend is really ugly, what should I do to stop masturbating?
A: Get a new girlfriend or a garbage bag for her head. (Why would u wanna stop masturbating?)

Q: Where can I find the lyrics for Guns and Wankers song on the cd Fat Music for Fat People?
A: No idea, i looked long and hard for the lyrics to Skin Deep, but couldn't find em. Sorry.

Q: If you smoke three blunts in a row what will happen???
A: Depending on your tolerance, you will either have a really good time, or pass out.

Q: When i try to sew my patches on the stitching always come undone, what should i do?
A: Try using industrial strength thread and a shorter stitch.

Q: Ok mom, i was wondering like if larissa can go on tour with us and be our groupie....we would much like it alot?
A: YES, PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE HER AWAY, TAKE HER NOW!!

Q: My mom used to make great potato soup and i miss it...any good recipes?
A: Sure, Start some onions sauteeing in a little butter or oil. Maybe one large onion, chopped fine. Peel a few potatos and chop into small pieces. When the onions are done, add the potatos, and some salt to taste. Add 3-4 cups of chicken stock. Cook on low heat until the potatos are soft. Add 3 cups of milk, some cooked peas, carrots, any other vegetables, herbs (dill would be nice) and fresh pepper. Heat thoroughly and serve.

Q: Can you wash your hair with Tide?
A: Sure, go ahead.. if you like the bald look.

Q: What do you do when the guy you dated for two years and are madly in love with may like another girl?
A: He probably does like another girl, probably 100 of em, men are ruled by their penis'. That's just part of life. If you can't keep him interested, he'll look elsewhere. Only solution is to try castrating him.

Q: How do i wash my shoes and hat?
A: Use soap. Air dry or they'll shrink, and that would be bad.

Q: If your daughter is 18, then why is she still living with you?
A: She has no money, any money she gets she spends on music, beer and cigarettes. If you have extra room, she can live with you. Thankfully, she'll finally be moving out next spring, if she doesn't blow all her cash on a trip to tiajuana.

Q: What Color is your carpet?
A: Grey

Q: Why are ppl racist and prejudiced? If someone is around me do I have the right to beat them up?
A: Most people are dumb and ignorant, until we can educate them and all their offspring we will always have racists, bigots, homophobes.... If you encounter a racist the best thing to do is ignore them, violence only breeds more hate.

Q: Do you skateboard?
A: I don't, i have horrible balance. My daughter does though.

Q: Why are gurls who like punk called freaks and guys who like punk are not?
A: There will always be someone out there who thinks you're a freak, whether you're a guy, a girl, a nerd, a prep.. whatever. Ignore it.

Q: Why is my mom was always saying stuff like "don't you use that tone of voice with ME"?
A: Your mom's tryin to control you, but she knows that you don't respect her authority anymore so she's freaking out and trying to do anything she can to keep you in line. Don't worry, they all eventually just give up and let you do whatever the hell you want to! *

Q: Sometimes late at night my earlobes itch. I panicked and ate a radish.
A: Good for you!! Radishes 'll make you grow big and strong!

Q: Why am i writing this to your mom when the email addy is punk_chick? something's going on here...
A: My mom doesn't have an e-mail address, hell, she doesn't even know how to turn on the computer. Every couple of months i read her the Q's and she answers em. No conspiracies going on here, well..except for the, ummmm.. nevermind. *

Q: Why does your daugther think she's so punk if she says she likes all the 80's punk, but only knows of the Sex Pistols, Vandals, and the Misfits and all the other shit she listens to is from the 90's like Op Ivy, and NOFX (shit band)???
A: O.k, well, first of all, i never said that i was SO punk and besides that, you don't have to listen to 70's and 80's bands exclusively to be punk. Secondly, i don't have enough time to put up stuff on all the bands that i like, so i just chose a few of the more popular ones. And lastly, i don't even like NoFx... *

Q: I was just wondering, if you were stranded on a desert island and there was no hope of survival, which would you rather have? A gun with 1 bullet or A boat with a hole in it?
A: A boat with a hole in it, because i could probably find something on the island to fix it with.

Q: What colour should i dye my hair?
A: If you don't know, i can't tell you! Just dye it your favorite colour or something..?!? Anything goes...

Q: Will you adopt me? I'm 25 and unemployed.
A: Unless you come from royalty or have a large trust fund, no way !

Q: What is the meaning of life in 10 words or less?
A: I dunno, if you figure it out, let me know! (word count- 10)

Q: Did you plan to have such a cool kid?
A: Yes, i've been planning all of this ever since i was 2 and 1/2..

Q: Can you get ink off? If so, how?
A: Get ink off of what? Well, just try some hairspray, whatever it is.

Q: Where are my keys?
A: On your dresser, underneath the porno mag.

Q: Why the fuck are people so intolerant? People look at my spiked blue hair, studded leather jacket and my chain, and act like i'm gonna kill their kids and rape their daughters.
A: People will always be afraid of what they don't know.

Q: How would i go about creating a half man half monkey type creature?
A: Sleep with your sister.

Q: Hi. Just thought I'd say hello. Alan from England.
A: Hi Alan! I always said the british were the nicest people. Wanna marry my daughter?? She sure does like those british accents.

Q: Is being in an orgy so wrong?
A: If you think it's wrong, then it's wrong. If you think it's right, then it's right.

Q: What is your shoe size?
A: 7 1/2

Q: What do you do when your penis gets stuck in a dog's butt?
A: Rub some oil onto the dog's butt, then P-U-L-L.

Q: How should i tell my parents that i am bi-sexual?
A: Well, first you should just ask them what they think of bi-sexual's. You can bring it up while watching Springer. If their response is good, just sit them down and tell em. If it's not, don't tell them, hide your true identity for years and years, live a life full of shame, until one day they catch you in their bed with your best friend and her brother.

Q: If i was going to tame a wild elk and ride it to school how would i go about doing so??
A: First, go out and find yourself a nice and young wild she-elk. Bring her home and introduce her to your parents. Feed her a couple of carrots and give her some nice hay to sleep on. Eventually she'll let you ride whenever you want, but only in the privacy of your own barn. Be careful not to knock her up though, cuz then she'll wanna settle down and get married. And no one would wanna see that happen to a nice god-fearing guy like you.

Q: Do you know what 4:20 stands for?
A: The kids in my day were the ones to make it up, you know. For you little sXe's that don't know what it stands for, 4:20 is the time when most kids got outta school at the end of the day and went somewhere to get high. So now, 4:20 is synonymous for getting high.

Q: How The FUk did I get Here!!!!!!?
A: You took a left turn instead of a right, just go back to the intersection and you'll find your way back home.

Q: How can I get my mohawk to stand up nice and pointy?
A: Well, everyone uses something different, but most people suggest using egg whites, kid's glue (the kind that washes out) or some of the industrial strength hair gels (find these at your local italian corner store).

Q: Why is my girlfreind a slut?
A: I dunno, but isn't that why you got together with her in the first place??

Q: How do you you have sex in a zero gravity chamber?
A: I'd imagine that it would be virtually impossible, except maybe for the more experienced porn star.

Q: Why do you answer these questions? and when do you have time for it ?
A: I'm doing this as a favor for my daughter and also to gain some insight into teenagers sick and twisted minds. It doesn't really take me too long to do this. Once every 3 or 4 months, my daughter reads me the questions, i answer them and she types them out. It usually only takes about an hour. and it's pretty entertaining...

Q: Should i go see the Rollins Band play at Girations on Tuesday?
A: Most definitely not.

Q: Does size really matter?
A: Yeah, i'm sorry to break this to you guys, but size DOES matter.

Q: Why am i so ugly?
A: Inbreeding.

Q: Do I have to treat girls like crap to get them?
A: Nope, treating a girl like crap will get you nowhere. It might get you a date, but it'll never get you laid.

Q: I want to become vegan but my mom dosen't want me to...what should i do, listen to her or me?
A: Listen to yourself. You can try to explain to your mom why you want to become a vegan though, maybe give her some information on it to read. I'm sure she'll accept it eventually if you approach her in a calm and rational way.

Q: What do u do with a thong that u found of your brothers?
A: Ewwwwww. First take a picture of it, then burn it. *

Q: How do i get a chance to fuck your daughter?
A: Send all pictures, applications and cash bribes to punkchick_@hotmail.com

Q: If my two previous X's said I was such a great guy, then why did they cheat on me? Is it just me? Or do girls get a kick out of breaking a guy's heart?
A: People have a lot of trouble being faithful. They'll say your a great guy or girl when the times are good, but when things go bad, most people will run screaming. Eventually you'll find the right guy/girl who thinks you're a great person ALL the time. When you find them, marry em, quick!

Q: Is that cartoon thingie really what you look like???
A: No, my daughter was just too lazy to get a real picture or drawing scanned of me.

Q: Where can i get some Operation Ivy MP3s?
A: E-mail me, or just search for them on any search engine. *

Q: Why don't you ever give your daughter her phone messages?
A: Because she's hardly ever home and when she finally does get home i've forgetten who called. She should buy her own damn answering machine.

Q: Have you ever heard of the south african punk scene? Do you know where south africa is?
A: Yep, i know where South Africa is. Don't know much about the punk scene though. I've only heard of MS, Crossing Point and Crush. Is there anything else good coming outta there?? *

Q: Three men rent a Hotel room. The manager said the room cost $30, so each man payed $10. Later on the manager thought to himself that they payed 5 dollars too much, so he sent the bell boy up to give them the $5 back. The bellboy said that they were cheap men, cause they didn't give a tip so he took $2. Each man got one dollar back. So each man payed $9 for the room. 9 X 3 = 27, + the $2 the bell boy took = 29. What happened to the other dollar???
A: Ummm...yeah. *