Eventually I would like to tell all of my story here. This is going to be a long one. And I may be the only one who reads it. But it needs to be told. At this point though. I am not ready or able to begin this. Be patient though. And return soon. The time is drawing near.
August 19, 2003
Today is the day that I set some things straight, and it is also the day that I tell you where my story, and how my story began. If you have read even a fraction of my information you know that I was abused.. but how and why did that abuse start? I have found the answer. And even though I had some false hope that finding that answer would somehow make this all go away, I was severely miss led. Okay, okay... I'm getting to it. This all started with my great uncle Adrian (and believe me, he was not that great). That is what I was told. He abused my grandmother sexually, then she, out of rage and lack of control in her own childhood, abused my mother, and my aunts and uncles, and of course that leads to me.. my mother, because of what happened to her decided to abuse me and my sister, and my uncles decided it would be a great idea for them to join the fun. Okay.. so I'm being long winded and no one will probably understand this, but I needed to get this out. I need for someone to know the truth. That this could have all been prevented if only my uncle Adrian had some self control and some ability to control his sick urges that he felt towards his sister (my grandmother)... but now we must ask the question of why he was the way he was, was he abused as well.. that my friends is something that died with him, something he took to the grave so that we may not know the reasons why he was the way he was. Rambling again. I wonder even now what my life would have been like if he had never existed, if none of this happened. Who would I be then????
Okay. Since I'm not really ready to start telling most of my story
I will just share this letter with you. A confrontation letter
that I wrote to my mother.
2. This is how I felt about it at the time:
I was scared all the time...of the words, fists, insults, put downs, of dying and of living.
confused
alone
I felt hated, and I hated never knowing what would happen...on edge....
the walks home from school..flinching as I reach for the doorknob. I walked really
slowly even though I knew you would be angry about that....just so that I could
delay the pain.
I felt unwanted...you constantly told me how you should have given me up when you had
the chance..and that my daddy wanted to put me in an orphanage...you said no one
wanted me.
guilty (looked like Daddy, evil)
I didn't know what was safe to do (walking on glass).
You would punish me one day for the same thing you praised me for the day before.
I would rather lye in bed, having to pee than risk getting up, and waking you..or drawing
any attention to myself..
I was afraid to be who I was, to show who the different parts of me were.
I thought that dying would be better than living.
3. This is how it affected my life.
Depression (hated myself-thought it was my fault, shame)
suicide attemps and constantly being suicidal
wanted to hurt others because I thought that it is how to show love
scared of everyone (can't trust anyone so I set up boundaries)
angry all the time ( yell at others when I am really mad at you)
counseling forever
obsessed with death ( that was what you hated so much, but didn't realize it was caused by
you.)
always think everyone is against me.
Angry when holidays rolled around, because they were fake.
nightmares
flashbacks daily
feel sick, stomach, head, epilepsy
MPD
anxiety/panic attacks
self injury ( cutting, burning, hitting, biting, pulling hair out )
4. This is what I want from you now.
Take responsibility for your actions.
I want to be able to talk to you about what happened.
I want you to stop hiding and denying.
Quotes:
I will no longer accept the responsibility for the violence committed against me.
I have the right to tell the truth & I'm not responsible if other people can't deal with
it!