Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations
It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood
Crazy Randomness
-:*:- Date * September 20, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 3:08 pm * -:*:-

OMG I just realized how much I love CSS (cascading style sheets). Makes things SO much easier. I change one thing and all of my fonts are changed. Woohoo!

Anyway letís see, tonight is my Uncleís viewing. Iím not sure how Iím going to react. My family decided to have a closed casket so I think that will make things a lot easier on all of us. I was laying in bed today and I was starting to fall asleep and my mind kept focusing on the last few times I was around my uncle. How his voiced sounded and how his facial expressions were. Then of course I started to cry b/c I realized that I was never going to see those expressions again or hear his voice. I never wouldíve thought that his death would be so hard on me. I wished a thousand times that he would just go and now thatís heís gone itís so difficult to face.

Today Josh was in a pissy mood. He kept getting an attitude with me over the dumbest things. He kept yelling at me. Last night he was in the greatest mood. He was joking around and making me laugh. How can someone change over night? He said he was acting that way b/c he was tired. The last time he yelled at me I started to cry. Then I talked to him online and I told him he made me feel like shit and he asked why and I told him b/c he yelled at me. I told him that Iím really sensitive right now and he said ďI donít mean to be rude but youíre always sensitive.Ē And I said well ďIím EXTRA sensitive right now.Ē Normally I wouldíve yelled back at him but now I just donít have any fight in me. Iím getting so attached to him. Itís really scaring me. I donít like this feeling of helplessness. I know the only way to detach myself from him is to push him away but I donít want to do that. The only thing thatís keeping me half way sane is him. Heís helped me a lot this past week and a half. Heís been there for me when no one else was. Every time I was upset he was the first person I wanted to talk to. I'm incredibly thankful to him for being there for me but at the same time I wish I wasn't so dependent on him. I don't know what to do. Ugh I hate this.

-:*:- Feeling * Confused * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Christina Aguilera ~ I Turn to You * -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 18, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 6:04 pm * -:*:-

I redid the layout for my page. I dig it. Iím working on trying to make my own backgrounds and stuff. I trying to figure out Adobe Photoshop. Iíll probably devote my weekend to figuring that out. I get tired of using graphics from other people. I always feel like Iím ripping them off. I guess itís all in how you look at it. I took the background from someone else but I used it in my own way. Any who I was all pinked out so I decided to go red.

Funny how I start out talking about my web page when I have way more important things to worry about. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can get away from everything thatís bothering me is to get online and just get lost in the internet. Itís my anti-drug sorta.

Iím dealing with so much right now. I was talking to Josh the other day. I told him that sometimes I feel like I donít have anyone to turn to. He said ďyes you do.Ē He said that I always have myself to turn to. I guess heís right. I can always depend on myself to be there. I feel like Josh is the only person that is actually there for me. My supposed ďbest friendĒ hasnít attempted to contact me for a week. Last week when my uncle went into the hospital she was the first person I called. She was the first person that heard me cry. We havenít talked since Thursday. I just wish that she was there for me. I just wish that she wouldíve called me to see how I was doing or to see how my uncle was doing. My uncle died this morning. Death is so hard to deal with. I donít know what to do. Should I be stubborn and not call her? Or should I call her and swallow my pride? Right now Iím choosing to be stubborn. I know itís stupid but thatís what Iím choosing. This morning when my uncle Craig called to tell my mom my uncle Brian had passed away she seemed so calm. She turned to my dad and I and said he died. I asked her if she wanted me to go to the hospital with her and she said no. She told me to get ready and go to work. How am I supposed to go to work and put on a happy face when Iím hurting so bad inside? I was trying to get my stuff together at the table and I was wiping tears from my eyes and my dad said ďKasey itís ok to cry.Ē And I said ďeveryone acts like itís not.Ē Everyone acts like Iím not supposed to be upset. I said to my dad ďwhat am I supposed to do answer the phone Johns Hopkins Univ School of Nursing oh my uncle just died donít mind me.Ē Thatís how everyone treats me. Like Iím supposed to be ok about this. Pretend like nothing happened. Well Iím sorry I canít. I went up to my room got dressed and was planning on going to work. My mom told me to stay home but I decided to go. I was just going to stay long enough to go to the staff meeting that we had at 10. I was at work until about 9 and my boss came in and asked me what was wrong and I told her my uncle died. Itís really sad when I get comfort from a stranger then from my own family and friends. She hugged me and told me to go home and not to worry about missing time. And on top of everything my mom doesnít want to tell my brother that my uncle died b/c heís going to Florida tomorrow. She doesnít want to ďruinĒ his trip. It feels so wrong to keep that from him. He called a little bit ago and my mom told him my uncle was doing the same. I kinda understand why sheís doing it but I still think itís wrong.

There were so many things that couldíve been done to prevent this. We never knew how sick my uncle really was. We all thought the drugs were just taking over his life but it wasnít that at all. He was just really sick for a really long time. No one knew how sick he really was.

Iím happy he no longer has to be in pain. The hurt is gone and so is he.

-:*:- Feeling * Indescribable * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Michelle Branch ~ Good Bye to You* -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 15, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 10:25 pm * -:*:-

These past few days have been really crazy. My uncle went into the hospital on Wednesday. The doctors didnít think he was going to make it through the night but somehow he did. They had him in a ventilator which was the only thing keeping him alive. Yesterday my mom decided to take him off of the ventilator. The doctor said that he would only last a few hours. Some how he managed to hold on. Heís still alive but heís doing really bad. My mom had asked my uncle on Friday if I could come see him and he told her no. I guess he didnít want me to see him with the tube down his throat. It was so sad b/c on Wednesday I went to the hospital and my mom showed me all of these pictures he had in his wallet. There were a bunch of pictures of me and my mom and my other unclesí family. There were more of me than anyone. My uncle and I were really close at one time. Then he got all messed up on drugs and I stopped seeing him. But anytime I ever went to see him he would always tell me I was his favorite niece and that he loved me. Iím crying as I type this. This is such a tragedy b/c he was a really good person but the drugs and the lifestyle he lead took his life away. I finally saw him on Saturday. It took every ounce of strength that I had not to cry my eyes out. He looked so horrible. My mom asked the doctor to take a guess as to how much he weighed and the doctor said like 65 lbs. Heís nothing but a skeleton. My dog weighs 80 lbs. The doctor said that he hadnít eaten in weeks maybe months. He looked worse than a Holocaust victim. I saw him again today. I went to the hospital with my brother. My brother, my mom, and I were talking. My brother started crying. I went over to him and tried to hug him. It breaks my heart to see him cry. I thought he was going to start crying when he first saw my uncle but he didnít. My brotherís one of those guys who always tries to be strong and tough but heís not. I feel like such a horrible person b/c so many times I said that I wish he would just die. As a matter of fact last weekend when I was talking to my cousin I told her that I wish he would die. I only wanted him to be out of his misery. I was tired of seeing him suffer. The pain and angst he went through everyday is something no one should have to go through. I knew he would never change and that he would never be anything more than what he was. I wanted him to do good for himself but it was never going to happen. I love him very much and Iím happy that soon he wonít have to feel any of that pain ever again.

-:*:- Feeling * Sad * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Michelle Branch ~ All You Wanted * -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 9, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 9:21 pm * -:*:-

My life is so boring. The highlight of my weekend was going to the movies with my cousin. We initially went to see Fear Dot Com but they wanted to see my cousinís ID. It didnít really matter if she had one or not b/c sheís only 15. We ended up seeing Swimfan. It was pretty good. That girl in that movie was a crazy stalker. Anyway I stay around my cousins house til 3 am just talking with her. The next day my dad started running his mouth to my mom about me not coming home til 3. Wtf?! Last time I checked I was 20 yrs old. He better not start running his mouth to me b/c if he does Iím going to speak my mind. Every other time heís ever bossed me around I just took it but this time is going to be different. He doesnít have the same kinda control over me that he had before. I think that scares him.

My brother was renting this house from one of my moms supposed ďfriends.Ē Well the other day my brother gets this letter in the mail saying the house is being repossessed b/c of lack of payment. My brother was giving his landlord rent every month and she was spending the money rather then paying the bill on the house. What kinda fucked up shit is that? How can someone be so callous? The worse part of the whole situation is that my brother canít do anything about it b/c he didnít have a lease with the woman. Her and my mom have been friends since I was a little kid. Just goes to show you how friends will stab you in the back.

I was to Best Buy Saturday and bought Disturbed and Crossroads. The chick that rang me up was like ďDisturbed and Crossroad?!Ē Like wtf is someone that would listen to Disturbed doing buying Crossroads. What can I say, I like a variety of things. I watched Crossroads Sunday night. Itís a good movie. Disturbes cd The Sickness kicks major ass. I can just listen to that cd all the way through and not get bored. Usually with other cds I skip songs but not with this one.

Iím so annoyed. I still havenít talked to Josh. This is like 4 weeks now. He told Liana he needed a break. What kinda bullshit is that? He needs a break. Ha. Break my ass. Why do I put up with this shit? Someone please explain why. I guess I like negativity in some weird way. I just canít let go of things. I remember there was a time when he was all about talking to me. What happened to that? I fucking hate being ignored. I would rather him argue and fight with me and get all of his frustrations out then just totally ignore me. Iím so happy I have this job to distract me from all the bullshit in my life.

My Lugz came today. They are pretty cute. Canít wait to get my Nikes. It feels good to come home and have a package waiting. I have to start buying myself more stuff over the internet.

Iím going to go make myself Velvetta Shells and Cheese for lunch tomorrow. I have to starting eating something other then sandwiches everyday.

-:*:- Feeling * Blank * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Disturbed ~ Game * -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 4, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 10:25 pm * -:*:-

It's odd how you can work with a group of people and have them all be totally different. Some of the chicks I work are just straight out bitches to me. It pisses me off b/c I know I don't deserve that. I would go out of my way to help any of the people that I work with and all I get from them is attitude. I hate how those people radiate their negative energy onto me. I try to keep a positive attitude whenever possible. I think thatís the most difficult part of my job.

^ Trying to cover up my dorky picture ^
-:*:- Feeling * Stressed * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Sarah Mclachlan ~ Angel * -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 2, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 1:05 am * -:*:-

I watched Shallow Hal and A Walk to Remember. They were both good movies. A Walk to Remember made my cry. God damn sad movies.

I was such a lazy ass today. I was in my pj's all day. Until about 7:30 when I finally forced myself to take a shower.

I ordered 2 pairs of shoes today. The Nikes cost $39.99 and the Lugz cost $49.99. The Nikes were on sale. They were regularly $89.99 so I got them pretty cheap.

My mom and I are going shopping tomorrow. Woohoo I get to spend the rest pay check. Sounds like fun.

-:*:- Feeling * Evil * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Michelle Branch ~ Goodbye to You * -:*:-

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-:*:- Date * September 1, 2002 * -:*:- Time * 2:39 am * -:*:-

I got paid on Friday. Friday night my mom, dad and I went to the mall so I could get a new cell phone. My total was $93. Cost me $20 to activate the damn phone. What kinda bullshit it that? I get a $50 rebate on the phone so that definitely a good thing. The phone I got isnít fancy itís just nicer than the one I had.

The sales guy at Cingular was pretty damn hot. He didnít wait on me though . Today my mom called and upgraded my service plan. Now I get 400 daytime minutes and 3000 night and weekend minutes for $39.99. Plus I have 2 months of free text messaging. Now all I have to do is get the phone transferred into my name.

My dad and I went to Best Buy today. I bought a new dvd player, 3 dvds, and a cd. I bought American History X, Beaches, Steel Magnolias and Avril Lavignes cd. My dad bought me Jay and Silent Bob yesterday. That movie kicks ass.

Mary Ann and I went to Blockbuster and I rented 3 movies. Dragonfly, Shallow Hal, and A Walk to Remember. Mary Ann and I watched Dragonfly. It was a pretty good movie. Iíll probably watch the other 2 tomorrow.

I spent like $300 in 2 days. Thatís crazy. It goes so fast. At least I bought things worth while. My old dvd player sucked. It only played Goodfellas. A girl can only watch Goodfellas so many times before she starts wanting to kill somebody. Fagedaboudid.

My dad told me yesterday that they are come back out with Scarface. Iíve been wanting to get that movie for so long. It should be back out by the end of the year. Iím happy. I love that movie. I could watch it over and over again.

I havenít talked to Josh in like 3 weeks. Iíve left him 3 messages and he never called me back. There was a time when that wouldíve bothered me so much. I guess now I donít really have much time to think about things like that. It sorta saddens me to think that Iíve lost him but at the same time Iím willing to let him go.

Iím so happy I got this job. Iíve been less depressed lately. I havenít been dwelling on things the way I used to. I definitely get annoyed easier now but thatís b/c I havenít been sleeping much. Things will be different once my body adjusts to my new sleep schedule. Speaking of sleep schedule Iím screwing mine all up right now. I need to get some shut eye.

-:*:- Feeling * Drained * -:*:-
-:*:- Listening to * Avril Lavigne ~ Unwanted * -:*:-

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Old Entries
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