Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations
It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood
          Crazy Randomness          
-::- Date * April 22, 2002 * -::- Time * 1:23 am * -::-

I can't believe I could be such a liar. Finally I came clean to Jim. Basically he told me if I didn't tell him everything he was never going to talk to me again. I knew I couldn't lose him so I came clean. The crazy thing is he totally excepts everything I lied about. He told me those things didn't matter. He loved me for me. I always said that I wanted a guy who could see pass me exterior and see who I am on the inside and Jim is totally that guy. I'm so scared because I don't know how to react to my feelings. He just said to me that he was going to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world because I am. I don't know how he sees that. Me beautiful? I don't think so, actually far from it. But when he says it he means it so much that for that second or minute I actually believe it. When he tells me he loves me it sends shiver through my body straight to my heart. He told me everything he's ever had before with a girl didn't work out because he always felt like something was missing. He said he doesn't feel that way with me. He says he believes we were together in a former life. I'm not completely sure about that "former life" stuff. He told me if we weren't together now that we would be together in our next life. He even told me this story once about what happened to us in our past lives. It was really erie. He said it's a reocurring dream he's been having. When he tells me that stuff I believe he truly means it. I don't know what's going to happen between us but I have a good feeling he's going to an incredibly positive person in my life.

-::- Feeling * Happy * -::-

-::- Date * April 16, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:41 pm * -::-

Damn crazy ass weather. Doesn't make any sense. Partly Cloudy with a high of 89F and a low of 60F.

-::- Feeling * Hot * -::-

-::- Date * April 16, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:37 pm * -::-

Took another quiz. Results not nice:

take the death quiz.
-::- Feeling * Hot * -::-

-::- Date * April 16, 2002 * -::- Time * 2:28 pm * -::-

Jason took this quiz and showed me his results so I decided to take it. RESULTS:

what's your battle cry?
-::- Feeling * Hot * -::-

-::- Date * April 6, 2002 * -::- Time * 9:18 pm * -::-

I went to Walmart today. I wanted to buy an eye cream. I was watching this beauty show the other day and this guy said that once a female turns 18 she should start using an eye cream to avoid getting wrinkles when she gets older. I want to do whatever I can you help my skin. I also bought a pair of flip flops. $5.00 can't beat that. In a little bit I'm gonna go to Movie Time to rent Scarface. I can't get enough of that movie. I watch it constantly. I want to buy it but I can only find it for $70.00. That's way too much for me. I guess I'll just keep renting it until I get rich.

-::- Feeling * Lonely * -::-

-::- Date * April 04, 2002 * -::- Time * 4:43 pm * -::-

I went to A.C. Moores today. It's an arts and crafts store. I decided I wanted to do something creative. I bought like 6 sun catchers. I got this one I'm gonna paint for my mom, it's really pretty, and I bought a couple for myself. I've been so bored this week because I'm off for spring break. I've been looking forward to spring break since school started and now that it's finally here I'm kinda looking forward to going back to school. I got this letter today saying I'm failing 2 classes, one of which I dropped like 2 weeks ago. I tried calling the school but I think they're closed. I can't believe I'm failing keyboarding. How fucking dumb am I? Apparently really really dumb. I can still bring the grade up. I know I'm failing the class because I hardly ever go. But that class is just so boring I think I'd rather have my face tattooed then be in that class. I think getting a tattoo on my face would be incredibly painful but I'd rather be in pain then be in that class. Ahh well I can't do much about it. I'm kinda tired but I did get more sleep last night then the night before. I went to sleep around 4 am and woke up around 9 am. I think I'm gonna either go to sleep or paint the sun catchers. I'm not sure which yet. I'm gonna go to my room and see what happens. post comment

-::- Feeling * Moody * -::-

-::- Date * April 3, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:53 pm * -::-

Well I went to sleep at 6:30 am and woke up at 10:00 am. I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track because I go back to school on Monday. I bought Ashantis cd today. I only like one song but that's usually how it is. After that I went to make an appointment to finish getting my tattoo touched up. Last time Melissa was touching it up I got really sick and she had to stop. She only has one rose to do so it shouldn't take that long. Then I went to Old Navy. I love that store and I hate it. I love it because they always have bargins but I hate it because they always have bargins (if that makes any sense). I don't really have money to spend on things I don't need but their clothes are so damn cheap. I bought 2 shirts. One was $8.50 and the other was $6.50. They're really cute but like I said I don't need them. I need to learn how to say no.

-::- Feeling * Annoyed * -::-

-::- Date * April 3, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:03 am * -::-

I just got finished playing Wolfenstein. I love the game but it always messes with my stomach. I guess because it's 3D and you move around fast. Grr my head is hurting too. I think it's my bodies way of saying "GO THE F**K TO SLEEP!!!."

Why am I so stuck on Jason? I'm almost positive it's because he's has this hard to get type thing going for him. He's always busy and we don't talk much other then online. I always have to ask him to call me and most of the time when I ask him to call me he says he can't. Why do I do this to myself? I guess I feel this need for disappointment. What I really need is to shoot myself in the head for torturing myself the way I do. I'm gonna go to sleep now because being awake is depressing me.

-::- Feeling * Annoyed * -::-

-::- Date * April 2, 2002 * -::- Time * 10:47 pm * -::-

I went to the movies tonight with my Mom, Diane, and Kasey. It's odd being around someone with the same name as me. Anyway we saw Panic Room with Jodie Foster. It was really good. Now I'm watching the Osbournes. Funny ass show. Ozzi Osbourne is one crazy fugger. I'm tired. I'm gonna go watch tv until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

-::- Feeling * Blah * -::-

-::- Date * April 1, 2002 * -::- Time * 8:18 pm * -::-

I took the Geek Quiz. Results....

Your GQ (geek quotient) is....
Your GQ is below average - you must be cool as a cucumber!
-::- Feeling * Surprised * -::-

-::- Date * April 1, 2002 * -::- Time * 5:13 am * -::-

I'm looking through random journals and I come across and she has a link to this quiz so I decided to take it.

Take the What Sex Position Are You?
-::- Feeling * Tired * -::-

-::- Date * April 1, 2002 * -::- Time * 4:29 am * -::-

I watched the movie Lost Souls tonight. I thought it was a pretty good movie. I recommend it. Last night I watched the movie the Believer on showtime. Such a crazy movie. It's about a Nazi Jew. I highly recommend it.

-::- Feeling * Thirsty * -::-

-::- Date * April 1, 2002 * -::- Time * 3:45 am * -::-

My Aunt and Uncle and their kids didn't come over. It was strange because they always come over on holidays. My brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner. We were all sitting at the table and I looked at my brother and I thought "I wish that we were closer." But honestly I don't ever see that happening. I guess if I tried and tried to make it happen it might, but I'm tired of trying. It really makes me sad. Once or twice a week my brother comes over and he doesn't say a word to me. He'll talk to my parents but not to me. I don't understand that. It's like he hates me or something. Or like he doesn't have anything to say to me. Not even a "hello." Just complete silence. My brother and his gf just moved out in July but when they lived here me and my bros gf would talk a lot. She told me that he was jealous of me. Jealous of the way my parents treat me. I don't get that. It's not like they didn't give him the same opportunities that they're giving me. I know my mom stands up for me all the time but that's because my dad is really hard on me. My dad can be a real prick. I never feel good enough for him. In my dads eyes my brother and do no wrong and I can do no right and my mom sees how he treats us differently and so she sides with me. Sometimes I hate this family. I realize that a lot of families have the same problems as mine but still it's really hard to deal with it sometimes.

To completely change the subject, I was talking to Jason last night. I asked him why he didn't want a relationship and he told me because he wants to be single. He said that he has always been responsible to someone else and he just wants to be free. He said that he won't want to be single forever but probably for at least another year. From there I told him I was sad and he asked why of course. I told him I was sad because nobody wants to be with me (that sounds so pathedic). Anyway he told me I shouldn't worry about that. He said that I should just let things happen. So basically if something is meant to happen it will happen. Then he goes on the say "if it makes you feel any better if i hadn't made this promise to myself to stay single I would be with you." WTF!? Why would he say that? Then I ask him "be with me how?" and he says "in a relationship" This guy is really driving me nuts. It made me feel a little bit better but it also made me feel worse because he does want to be with me but he won't. Grrr I don't freakin know. I would have been just fine if he wouldn't have said that. This just supports my theory that men are confusing.

-::- Feeling * Confused * -::-
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