“I stand alone, I am the cheese.” This is my muse as I stand in BJ’s Wholesale Club sizing up the two pound smoked Gouda and one and a half pound block of Feta with Basil and sun-dried tomato, tossing them into the large, red, plastic shopping cart along side the ten pound bag of Cat Chow and twenty pound tub of Fresh Step kitty litter.
There is at home just my cat and I, yet I find it impossible to resist the lure of bulk shopping. In my freezer at home are two five-pound whole chickens and several multi-pound hunks of porcine flesh from my previous trip here. I think to myself, while placing the thirty-six-roll pack of toilet tissue in the cart, that I should stock up on beef and maybe lamb. En route to the meat section of the mammoth shopping haven, I pass and collect several eight-pack sets of various canned vegetables and soups, several three-pack sets of my favorite pasta sauce along with four pounds of pasta. This is followed by a twenty ounce, plastic bottle of olive oil.
The three pound bag of “Hint of Lime” tortilla chips is followed by the necessary twenty-four ounce jars of both salsa and cheese dip. I have no plans for any of these purchases but find it hard, no impossible, to resist such temptation. Maybe, I say to myself, I may decide to have a party and make a mental note to stop at the nearby discount liquor store for a case of my favorite Beaujolais.
I arrive at the meat section, my overloaded cart straining against the one uncooperative wheel that drags aggressively along the tiled floor. I take note of the aisles I’ve passed along the way for other things I may need. Standing among the shrink-wrapped carnage I gaze with wonder and gluttonous admiration at the carnivorous Mecca that lies before me. Like a ravenous beast, and with little thought to cost or my unpaid cellular phone bill, I toss a twelve pound pack of assorted beef into the cart along with a five pound leg of lamb, six pounds of pork loin and a five pound duck I think I’d like to make someday.
I am envisioning the great fete I will prepare for my friends. A complete brunch with champagne (I add this to my liquor store list) and a cheese and fruit tray. I’ll need assorted mustard and crackers and assorted fruits and breads to add to the list. Fortunately I can get these, en masse, right here at BJ’s, along with a one pound wedge of Stilton and two pound block of Sharp Aged Wisconsin Cheddar, which I meant to pick up earlier. A two-pound container of pistachios will be received well and they find a home next to the eight pack of assorted, fancy mustards in the shopping cart. I picture myself raising my glass in a toast to my good friends, for their long life and good health. I urge all attendees to enjoy the culinary delights I have prepared in their honor. I don’t know when I’ll be able to have such a soiree since most of my friends are on the busiest of schedules, and I have a lengthy commute to and from work, which affords me little time to prepare the things I so much love to buy, but I just know I will, someday.
In the end I present my goods upon the black, rubber conveyor belt and pay the two hundred plus dollars for the goods I have chosen. Grabbing some boxes, provided by the management for my use, I reorganize my purchases and struggle with the cart out to my car, where I stuff the trunk and back seat with everything, being careful to leave room for the spirits I will procure on my trip home.
Upon arriving home, I spend the first thirty minutes rearranging the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets to accommodate the edible newcomers. Reluctantly, I must discard my last journey’s supply of uneaten “veggie chips”, some freezer burned Italian sausage, an assortment of soggy herbs and vegetables and some various cheese products which have come to resemble a hazardous waste site. My freezer is packed to capacity and as I separate my meat purchases into smaller freezer storage bags, I wonder how it will all fit. Knowing I won’t be able to pack it all in, I call a friend and offer him some of my food bounty, telling him I shall visit after I’m done unpacking my provisions. He tells me that he needs to go to Target and then Home Depot and I agree to drive us there. I am looking forward to it because I need to pick up a few things.
