10 ReAsoNs WhY iTz GrEaT To Be a GuY 
1. We dont have to wear heels. 
2. Waxing is optional. 
3. Guys night out. 
4. We eat as much as we want without worrying about gaining weight. 
5. We enjoy work. 
6. Dont we play more outdoor then girls? 
7. They(girls) wanna do everything we do! 
8. If someone calls us gross, we laugh. 
9. No plucking, no tweezers , ouch, ouch, ouch! 
10. No tampons. 



10 ReAsonS Why It'z GoOd To bE a ChiCk 
1) Ladys always come 1st 
2) We're smarter 
3) We don't have to worry about gettin' kicked in hurtful places 
4) When we go to a bar, we don't have to buy drinks 
5) We are more mature 
6) We can read the opposite sex's mind 
7) We have control ( If we want sex we'll get it, if we don't we won't) 
8) We know stuff about guyz before guyz know stuff about us (Girl talks) 
9) With one wink of an eye we can bring you guyz to your knees 
10) God picked the strongest sex to carry the babies and have periods (you guyz couldn't handle it) 





The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School 
10. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs, etc..School just sucks. 
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger. 
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to. 
5. Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress. 
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. 
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........ 
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.












GuYs ArE LiKe..

*Guys r like M&M's...Some have nuts and some don't!
*Guys are like mascara...They run at the first sight of emotion.
*Guys are like parking spaces...All the good ones are taken. 
*Guys are like lavalamps...Fun 2 look at but not very 
bright. 
*Guys are like roses...You gotta watch out 4 the pricks. 
*Guys are like slinkies...It's fun to watch 'em fall down stairs. 
*Guys are like stars...There's millions of them, but 
only 1 can make your wish come true.
*Guys are like beanie babies...They're cheap, their heads are full of stuffing and the really cute ones are hard to find.
*Guys are like diapers...They stick to your @$$ 
& are all full of $h!t. 
*Guys are like chocolate...They satisfy your craving 
But disappoint you in the end. 
*Guys are like recipes: They have all the right ingredients, But they never turn out good. 
*Guys are like dogs...You need to put them on a leash 
And hold on tight before they go barking up another tree.
*Guys are like old computers: They're slow, dependent on you, useless, don't comprehend with your needs, and makes funny noises. 
*Guys are like CD's, you use them over and over, but every time, you get the same thing. 
*Guys are like balloons: You like them for a while, then they get dull, and boring 
*Guys are like...Tissues. you blow them then you throw them away.
*Guys are like dogs, when you say "lay" they expect a 'treat' 
*Guys are like wine...They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp them in the dark until they get mature into something we'd like to have dinner with.
*Guys are like furbies...They L00K cute but are sure annoying!
*Guys are like blenders...You need one, but you're not sure why...
*Guys are like Floor tiles...If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
*Guys are like placemats, They only show up when there's food on the table.
*Guys are like high heels...They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. 
*Guys are like Curling Irons...They're always hot and always in your hair. 
*Guys are like...Computers....Hard to figure out and dont have enough memory
*Guys are like...Coolers. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
*Guys are like Mini skirts...If your not careful they'll creep up your legs. 
*Guys are like coffee...The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
*Guys are like Kleenx...Soft, strong and disposible...Throw the used ones away.
*Guys are like remote controls...Simple, Easy to use, And usually lying around the TV. 
*Guys are like government bonds. They take so long to mature. 
*Guys are like Horoscopes...They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. 
*Guys are like Commercials...You can't believe a word they say. 
*Guys are like Fingernails...They look a lot better when they're buffed.
*Guys are like Clowns...A few are cute and funny, but most are just creepy.
*Guys are like taxis...Whenever you need one they arent there and when you dont need one they are everywhere!
*Guys are like a piece of gum...When they lose they're flavor, you pop in a new one!
*Guys are like...pianos. What you get outta them depends on how you play them.
*Guys are like...newborn babies. they're cute at first but then you get tired of cleaning up they're crap
*Guys are like crystals...They look good but you can see right through them.
*Guys are like CD's, you use them over and over, but every time, you get the same thing 
*Guys are like dolls, you play with them for as long as you can, then someone else wants to play with YOU
*Guys r like Cell phones...You really only need one when your car breaks down.
*Guys are like...Calendars...Good for a few dates, but you'll need a new one next year.
*Guyz r lyke Miracle Bras: pushy, pushy, pushy!
*Guys are like...Diamonds: you like them big, cut, and wrapped around your finger 
*Guys are like light switches...even a 2 year old can turn them on!
*Guys are like laxitives: they irritate the crap out of you
*Boys are like bathroom stalls, some are full of crap and the good ones are taken 














Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. 
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. 
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. 
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. 
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. 
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. 
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. 
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. 
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. 
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47. 
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." 
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. 
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. 
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. 
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. 
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art. 
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. 
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. 
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. 
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven. 
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. 
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video. 
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. 
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. 
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. 
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. 
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. 
















English - He's cleaning his automobile: 
Chinese - Wa Shing Ka. 

English - This is a tow away zone: 
Chinese - No Pah King. 

English - Is there a fugitive here? 
Chinese - Hu Yu Hai Ding? 

English - Small Horse. 
Chinese - Tai Ni Po Ni. 

English - Your price is too high! 
Chinese - No Bai Nut Ding! 

English - Did you go to the beach? 
Chinese - Wai Yu So Tan? 

English - It's very dark in here. 
Chinese - Wai So Dim? 

English - I bumped into a coffee table: 
Chinese - Ai Bang Mai Ni. 

English - I thought you were on a diet? 
Chinese - Wai Yu Mun Ching? 

English - Your body odor is offensive. 
Chinese - Yu Stin Ki Pu. 

English - They have arrived. 
Chinese - Hia Dei Kum. 

English - You know lyrics to the Macarena? 
Chinese - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? 

English - I got this for free. 
Chinese - Ai No Pei. 

English - Phew! Does this bathroom stink! 
Chinese - Hu Flung Dung? 

English - Stay out of sight. 
Chinese - Lei Lo. 

English - You have a good sense of humor! 
Chinese - Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni! 

English - See me A.S.A.P. 
Chinese - Kum Hia Nao 

English -Stupid Man 
Chinese - Dum Gai 

English - I think you need a facelift. 
Chinese - Chin Tu Fat 

English - Has your flight been delayed? 
Chinese - Hao Long Wei Ting? 

English - That was an unauthorized execution. 
Chinese - Lin Ching 

English - Are you harboring a fugitive? 
Chinese - Hu Yu Hai Ding? 

English - I am not guilty. 
Chinese - Wai Hang Mi? 

English -Please, stay a while longer. 
Chinese - Wai Go Nao? 

English - Our meeting is next week. 
Chinese - Wai Yu Kum Nao? 

English - They have arrived. 
Chinese - Hia Dei Kum hum 











Answering Machine Messages 
1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. 
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message. 
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money. 
4. Hi. Now you say something. 
5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 
6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you? 
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I’ll call sooner! 
8. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call. 
11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you. 
12. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 
13. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message. 
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you. 






















Cards You Will Never See At a Hallmark Store 
1. So your daughter's a hooker, And it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, It's really good pay. 
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry! 
3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers, And a box of Depends. 
4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 
5. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it, She moved in with me 
6. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the HELL was I thinking?" 
7. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 
8. "How could people as beautiful as you two have such an ugly baby?" 
9. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 
10. "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." 
11. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am That you're not here to ruin it for me." 
12. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 
13. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 
14. "Thanks for being a part of my life ... I never knew what evil was before this!" 
15. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again." 
16. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 
17. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! 
18. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." 
19. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." 
20. "We have been friends for a very long time, Let's say we call it quits." 

















Solor-Powered Flashlight 
Inflatable Dart Board 
Sliding Doors on a Submarine 
The Macarena 
Dehydrated Water 
Pet Rock 
Plastic Firewood 
Soleless Shoes 
A Parachute that goes of on impact 
A book on how to read 
A flammable fire extinguisher 
A glass cricket bat 
Wooden soap 
A sugar surf board 
Plasticine wire cutters 
A lead balloon 
A water-proof tea bag 
A cubic ball-bearing 
A glass hammer 
Revolving basement restaurant 
Brail ATM machines 
A Chocolate tea pot 
Eject seats in helicopters 
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses 
Screen window for a submarine 
A tape on how to put together a vcr 
A dictionary index 
Powdered water 
Pedal-powered wheel chair 
Sliding Doors on a Submarine 
Dehydrated Water 
flammable fire extinguisher 
A glass cricket bat 




















A is for the automobile which he doesn't own. 
B is for BULLS---, which is what he was full of. 
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs. 
C is for the commitment that was never there. 
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had. 
D is also for "Damn the bad luck" which is what I have in Dating men. 
E is for everything he said we'd do, everything he said he was, and every- thing he's not. 
E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon. 
F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do. 
G is for GOD the one he thought he was and wanted to be worshipped as. 
G is also for the spot he could never find! 
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door. 
I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was. 
I is also for the inbreeding that occured in his podunk family. 
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever. 
K is for Key, the one that made the lovely designs on his truck. 
K is also for Kick in the balls which is what I'm gonna give him if I see him again. 
L is for Love in most cases, but exceptions have been made. 
L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH (he drank an awful lot). 
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are? 
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol. 
O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have. 
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL! 
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is. 
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless. 
R is also for the ring that he can't afford and will never buy. 
S is for the sugar they found in his gas tank. 
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel. 
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man. 
U is for umbilical cord which was never severed when his mother gave birth. 
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now. 
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him. Pins are inserted of course. 
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have. 
X is what he is to me now!!!! 
Y is for why the hell did I ever get involved with him. 
Z is for the zoloft that I had to start taking. 
. is for period, which is a good excuse that comes in handy once a month 

















The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a blonde woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F." 

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T." 

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F." 

I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T." 

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time. 

Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T." 

The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G -I - F, Thank God It's Friday.....get it?" 

I answered back, "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." 
















1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out" 

2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible? 

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? 

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 

9. Why does your OB- GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

11. What do you call male ballerinas? 

12. Why ARE Trix only for kids? 

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner? 

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 

16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

17. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 

18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 

20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? 















Player Poem 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Definition of a PLAYER: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He'll meet you and sweep you off your feet

He's nice and he's funny, so cute and so sweet

Surprisingly, he likes the same things as you

He does all the things that you love to do

He's the perfect guy, the one of your dreams

You belong together, or so it seems!

----------------------

He look into your eyes, and plays with your hair

He tells you that he'll always be there

His touch is so soft, his hold is so tight

His words are so soothing, his kiss is just right 

----------------------

You ditch all your friends for your new obsession

You don't realize your future is full of depression

You think that you love him, you give him your heart

Little do you know that he'll tear it apart

----------------------

You do what he wants, you know its not good

You told him slow down, and you think he understood

You let it slide by, hes just having fun

You'll learn to like it as time goes on

----------------------

He's taken your heart, and locked it away

And you see him with different girl the very next day

You cry and you grieve, but then you forgive,

He wont do it again for as long as he lives!

At this point you've fallen into his trap

He has all control when you're in his lap

You believe he's sorry, you're together again

You give him a chance, he's your only friend

Right where he wants you, he molds you like clay

and you see him with girl number 3 the very next day

----------------------

He got what he wanted, he accomplished his goal

He still has your heart, which he evilly stole!

He's taken your purity, you still can't believe

You feel hurt and cheap and extremely naive

If only your hair was blonde and straight

If only you looked like you lost some weight

If only you close were a little bit tighter

If only your teeth were a little bit whiter

You know he's an ass, but you still want him back

And you greive about all those qualities that you lack

All you wanted was to have some fun

Now you wish the whole thing never begun



  












Tongue Twisters 
Toy Boat

Greek grapes.

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

Unique New York.

Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.

Freshly-fried flying fish.

The epitome of femininity.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicing him hiccupping, and amicably welcoming him home.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie. 

Common Twisters

She sells seashells by the seashore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Tongue Twister Poems

Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

Betty Botter had some butter, "But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, It would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter, That would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter - Better than her bitter butter - And she baked it in her batter; And the batter was not bitter. So 'twas better Betty Botter Bought a bit of better butter.

Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, Or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, Then Shott was shot, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Nott.



Ever 
Solar-Powered Flashlight

Inflatable Dart Board

Sliding Doors on a Submarine

Reusable Condoms

The Macarena

Dehydrated Water

Pet Rock

Plastic Firewood

Soleless Shoes

Waterproof tea bag

A Parachute that goes of on impact

A book on how to read

A flammable fire extinguisher

A glass cricket bat

Wooden soap

A sugar surf board

Plasticine wire cutters

A lead balloon

A water-proof tea bag

A cubic ball-bearingv Dictionary index

Pedal-powered wheel chair

A glass hammer

Revolving basement restaurant

G-rated pornflick

Brail ATM machines

Sperm flavored condom

A Chocolate tea pot

Eject seats in helicopters

Waterproof towel




 












* The Lion King- In the part where big Simba, Timon, and Pumba are lying down at night looking at the stars, Simba gets up and walks away to a small cliff. He then plops down on the edge of the cliff and a whole bunch of dust flies away and in the cloud of dust you can see the word sëx.

And, what Rafiki really says is "Asante sana" -- Swahili for "Thank you very much" -- followed by "squashed banana." As the phrases repeat over and over, they run together and produce something that does sound somewhat like "Squashed bananas up your arse."

----------------

* Aladdin- In the part where Aladdin is on Jasmine's balcony being stalked by her tiger he is saying, "Good kitty, good kitty." You can hear him mumble, "Good teenagers, take off their clothes!"

----------------

* Toy Story- In Sid's room you can see that his wallpaper is a bunch of pictures of marijuana leaves.

----------------

* The Little Mermaid- In the part where the wedding is going on and Eric and Ursula are walking towards the preist, he bulging out of his robe.

----------------

* The Wizard Of Oz- In the part after the witch attacks the group right after they meet the tin man, while they are skipping away you can see a shadow in the trees. If you thought it was a shadow of a man hanging himself you are wrong! It is acctually a bird on the set, I think an ostrige, and it's moving it's head around. 

----------------

* The Rescuers- When Bianca and Birnard are taking off on the seagul, they are going really fast and u can see buildings going by really fast. With the naked eye, you can see 2 pictures of topless women on one of the buildings. It goes by so fast you can barely see it!

----------------

* HunchBack of Notredame- In one part where they show people walking by while Quasimoto is signing "Out There" you can see Belle from Beauty and the Beast as one of those people!

----------------











'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,

Not a homie was stirrin cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill,

And we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib,

In the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,

Had just gotten busy cuz my girlfriend is fine.

---------

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,

Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system be fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas',

'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!

---------

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!

She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.

---------

Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way,

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat,

I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"

---------

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,

"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,

We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

---------

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,

And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"

He said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

---------

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz,

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings,

A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

---------

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,

And busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"

He said, "You best get on up out my face!"

---------

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

---------

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof.

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,

To tap that booty waitin' at home.

---------

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,

Was a loud and hearty.....

"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!"




  









Commandments 
1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.... why wait??

2. Thou shall not do drugs.... alcohol lasts longer!

3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart.... Wal-mart has a better selection...

4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.... destruction has a bigger effect...

5. Thou shall not steal from thy parents.... everyone knows that grandma has more money!

6. Thou shall not get in fights.... just start them...

7. Thou shall not skip class... .just take the whole day off

8. Thou shall not strip in class.... hooters pays more...

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.... as nike says just do it...

10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.... just leave them in the middle




  
Learn Chinese 
English - See me A.S.A.P.

Chinese - Kum Hia Nao

---------

English -Stupid Man

Chinese - Dum Gai

---------

English -Small Horse

Chinese - Tai Ni Po Ni

---------

English - Did you go to the beach?

Chinese - Wai Yu So Tan?

---------

English - I bumped into a coffee table.

Chinese - Ai Bang Mai Ni

---------

English - I think you need a facelift.

Chinese - Chin Tu Fat

---------

English - It's very dark in here.

Chinese - Wai So Dim?

---------

English - Has your flight been delayed?

Chinese - Hao Long Wei Ting?

---------

English - That was an unauthorized execution.

Chinese - Lin Ching

---------

English - I thought you were on a diet.

Chinese - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

---------

English - This is a tow away zone.

Chinese - No Pah King

---------

English - Do you know the Macarena lyrics?

Chinese - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

---------

English - You are not very bright.

Chinese - Yu So Dum

---------

English - I got this for free.

Chinese - Ai No Pei

---------

English - Are you harboring a fugitive?

Chinese - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

---------

English - I am not guilty.

Chinese - Wai Hang Mi?

---------

English -Please, stay a while longer.

Chinese - Wai Go Nao?

---------

English - Our meeting is next week.

Chinese - Wai Yu Kum Nao? 

---------

English - They have arrived.

Chinese - Hia Dei Kum hum

---------

You didn't think that was actual Chinese you were learning there now, did you? If so, go back and read them again carefully.. maybe it'll make more sense now.. They're quite clever actually. lol.


  







Intelligence in the Wrong Hands 


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey 

"I haven't commited a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answwering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is 90% mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozarrk 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, former US Vice President 

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Al Gore, former US Vice President

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or the other." -- George Bush, former US President

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." -- George Bush, former US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Conttra testimony

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, former US Vice President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Dan Quayle, former US Vice President

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Dan Quayle, former US Vice President

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." -- Dan Quayle, former US Vice President

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -- Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman 


  














50 Reasons why Girls are better than Boys 


1.We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks 

2.Our friends dont say hello to us by punching us on the arm. 

3.Yea- PMS sucks,; But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate for a week. 

4.If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat 

5.We get the bigger apartment on Friends. 

6. Girl talk.You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff. 

7.We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us< 

8.Dark circles under the eyes? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. ( howdo guys live without that stuff?) 

9.We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt) 

10.We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance. 

11.Matt,Ward,Sean,Chris, pat, Shawn, JJ, John, Adam, Kris. Need i explain this one? hahhaha 

12.We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys!! 

13.We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough...lol 

14.That whole circumcision thing! 

15.When we get married; we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better. 

16.We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway? 

17.At least one girl always survives in horror flicks. 

18.We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!) 

19.Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it! 

20.We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are. 

21.We dont have to wear tuxedos to the prom. 

22.Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us. 

23.SLUMBER PARTIES! Guys just dont know how much fun those are. 

24.We dont have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there. 

25.That special bond we have with our moms-some day. 

26.We dont feel the need to slap our teammates butt when she makes a good play. 

27.Nobody makes fun of us for liking BSB or N'sync Well almost nobody. 

28.Pick up lines. They're not something we need to practice. 

29.We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy. 

30.We give really really good advice. 

31.On t.v. shows we're always the ones that have coolest supernatural powers. 

32.Dollhouse, Delia's, XOXO, Wet Seal,Deb,Rave,Charlotte Russe 

33.We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly. 

34.Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls. 

35.Bevis and Butt-Head arent funny. 

36.The coolest, sweetest songs and poems have been writen about you. 

37.We dont have to sit on our wallets. 

38.And our wallets have a place for change. 

39.Its entirely possible that we will marry Ben Affleck some day. 

40.Our lives do not revolve around ESPN Sports Center. 

41.We can wear dresses without getting really weird looks from people. 

42.Its not required that we learn how to spit when we are young. 

43.We are called tomboys, Boys are called girlie. 

44.Britney, Eve, Kathrine, Buffy, Josie and the Pussycats, Gwen. 

45.We have nicer handwriting than guys. Well its true. 46.Our magazines have Horoscopes. 

47.We dont have to stuff boxers in our jeans.(How can that be comfortable?) 

48.Female pro athletes arent overpaid egomaniacs.(yet) 

49.Girls with guy first names (like Alex or Ryan) sounds cool but guys named Amanda arent much of a turn on. 

50.We look great in tank tops. 



  







Only in America... 

.......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

.......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

.......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

.......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

.......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering 


  





Rules of Kissing 
The Lovers of the Heart.

In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.

Article 1 : Statement of Love: The Kiss

1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing 
6. Kiss anywhere else .. lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go

Article 2: The Three Steps

1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good 
3. Guy and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare

Article 3: The Commandments

1. Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.

**Remember**
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
so open up your mouth,
close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise!!!

WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls...

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. the way her hand always finds yours
13. the way they smile
14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt . (even though we don't admit it)!
23. the way they say "I miss you"
24. the way you miss them
25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart.

We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. 


  










True Love 
a girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its 2 scary!
Guy: Then tell me u love me.
Girl: Fine, I love u. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can u take my helmet off &put it on? Its buggin me.
In the paper the next day: A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. 2 ppl were on it but only 1 survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want 2 let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him &felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die

THATS TRU3 L0VE

  

















1. Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin? 

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 

4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 

5. Why is a boxing ring square? 

6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? 

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 

10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 

11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? 

15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 

16. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? 

17. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 

18. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 

20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 

21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 















1. Know how to make you smile when you are down. 
2. Try to secretly smell your hair BUT you always notice. 
3. Stick up for you but still be respectful of your independence. 
4. Give you the remote control during the game. 
5. Come up behind you, put his arms around you, squeeze you tightly against his chest, and whisper softly into your ear. 
6. Play with your hair. 
7. His hands will always find yours. 
8. Be cute when he really wants something. 
9. Offer you plenty of massages. 
10. Dance with you even if he feels like a dork. 
11. Never run out of love. 
12. Be funny, but knows when to be serious. 
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious. 
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready. 
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts. 
16. Smile alot. 
17. Plan a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally do just because he knows it means alot to you. 
18. Appreciate you. 
19. Help others out. 
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1. 
21. Always give you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each other's company- even when friends are watching. 
22. Sing even if he can't. 
23. Have a creative sense of humor. 
24. Stare at you. 
25. Call for no reason. 
26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs just because he loves you enough to quit!! 
























This Story Will Make You Cry...For Those Who Enjoy Moonlight Ridez:] 


Jenny was so happy about the house they had found. For once in her life 'twas on the right side of town. She unpacked her things with such great ease. As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze. How wonderful it was to have her own room. School would be starting; she'd have friends over soon. There'd be sleep-overs, and parties; she was so happy It's just the way she wanted her life to be. On the first day of school, everything went great. She made new friends and even got a date! She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be, Because I just got a date with the star of the team!" To be known in this school you had to have clout, And dating this guy would sure help her out. There was only one problem stopping her fate. Her parents had said she was too young to date. "Well I just won't tell them the entire truth. They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?" Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night. Her parents frowned but said, "All right." Excited, she got ready for the big event But as she rushed around like she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about all the lies, But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride? Well the pizza was good, and the party was great, But the moonlight ride would have to wait. For Dan was half drunk by this time. But he kissed her and said that he was just fine. Then the room filled with smoke and Dan took a puff. Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff. Now Dan was ready to ride to the point But only after he'd smoked another joint. They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride, Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive. They finally made it to the point at last, And Dan started trying to make a pass. A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all (and by a pass, I don't mean playing football.) "Perhaps my parents were right....maybe I am too young. Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb." With all of her might, she pushed Dan away: "Please take me home, I don't want to stay." Dan cranked up the engine and floored the gas. In a matter of seconds they were going too fast. As Dan drove on in a fit of wild anger, Jenny knew that her life was in danger. She begged and pleaded for him to slow down, But he just got faster as they neared the town. "Just let me get home! I'll confess that I lied. I really went out for a moonlight ride." Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash. "Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!" She doesn't remember the force of impact. Just that everything all of a sudden went black. She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble, And heard, "call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble! Voices she heard...a few words at best. But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck. Then wondered to herself if Dan was all right, And if the people in the other car was alive. She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad. "You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad." These voices echoed inside her head, As they gently told her that Dan was dead. They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do. But it looks as if we'll lose you too." "But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried. "We're sorry, Jenny, they also died." Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done I only wanted to have just one night of fun." "Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim, And wish I could return their families to them." "Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied, And that it's my fault so many have died. Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?" The nurse just stood there-she never agreed. But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes. And a few moments later Jenny died. A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do your best To bid that girl her one last request?" She looked at the man with eyes so sad. "Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad." 













Women are like apples: The best ones are at the top of the tree. Many men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...So, the apples on the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along--the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples--even those who have already been picked and remember...Men are like fine wine: They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. 












Girls’ English
“Yes” = No
“No” = Yes
“Maybe” = No
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now
“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later
“We need to talk” = I need to bitch
“Sure…go ahead” = I don’t want you to
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you stupid moron
“How much do you love me?” = I did something you’re not going to like me for
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful
“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me
“Are you listening to me?” = Too late, you’re dead

Guys’ English
“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry
“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy
“I’m tired” = I’m tired
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
“Can I take you to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage
“You look tensed, let me give you a massage” = I want to fondle you
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self inflicted physiological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you” = Let’s have sex right now
“I love you too” = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now
“Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I’m a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys










Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies in there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and the bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do

















1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.














1. You can have chocolate in front of your parents.
2. Nobody starts rumors about who you shared chocolate with.
3. People of the same sex can share chocolate without being called names.
4. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
5. Chocolate is satisfying even if it's gone soft.
6. No matter what kind of chocolate you like, it's legal.
7. You can have chocolate with a whole group of friends without being obscene.
8. If you have to pay for your chocolate, it's not too expensive.
9. Chocolate is just as attractive when you're sober.
10. A big piece of chocolate lasts longer, but even a small piece is satisfying.
11. You can have chocolate in the office without upsetting your co-workers.
12. It's easy to GET chocolate any time you want!!!












Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public. 
Dogs miss you when you're gone. 
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. 
Dogs admit it when they're jealous. 
Dogs prefer going out with you to going out on their own. 
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. 
You can train a dog. 
Dogs are good with kids. 
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. 
If they give you a nasty disease, you can kill them. 
Dogs understand what "no" means. 
Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house. 
Dogs appreciate your cooking. 
Dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. 
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. 
Dogs don't weigh down your handbag with their stuff. 
Dogs don't care whether you shave your legs. 
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. 
Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 
Dogs are nice to your relatives










A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask him.













John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"










Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office: 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

In a Laundromat: 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: 
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY 
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. 
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Sign at a Conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, 
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR 

Notice in a field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS 

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. 
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 

Notice on a restaurant window 
LUNCH SERVED DAY AND NIGHT 

Notice on a jammed type-writter: 
PENIS STUCK











There was this woman who lived all alone, actually, she wasn't all alone because she lived with her pet dog. Every night she would put the dog under her bed, where it slept. Each night it would lick her hand goodnight. One night, after getting a reassuring lick, she fell asleep. She woke several minutes later to a dripping sound. She checked the whole house and eventually found where the dripping was coming from. Her dog had been killed and was hanging from the shower curtain, its blood dripping into the drain. She ran back to her room and looked under the bed. There was a psychopath under there and he had licked her hand. 

One summer day in Southampton, New York, a woman pulled into a gas station. As the attendant pumped gas, the woman told the attendant she was in a hurry to pick up her daughter who had just finished an art class in East Hampton. A very well dressed man walked over to her car, and started talking to her. He explained that his rental car had died, and he needed a ride to East Hampton for an appointment. She said that she would be happy to give him a ride. He put his briefcase in the backseat and said he was going to the men's room quickly. The woman looked at her watch, and suddenly panicked. She drove off quickly, having forgotten that the man was coming back to the car for a ride. She thought nothing of him again until she and her daughter pulled into the driveway. She saw his briefcase and realized she had forgotten him! She opened the briefcase looking for some form of identifcation so she could notify him about his belongings. Inside she found nothing but a knife and a roll of duct tape! 

I heard about a girl who went back to her dorm room late one night to get her books before heading to her boyfriend's dorm room for the night. She entered, but did not turn on the light, knowing that her roommate was sleeping. She stumbled around the room in the dark for several minutes, gathering books, clothes, toothbrush, etc. before finally leaving. The next day, she came back to her room to find it surrounded by police. They asked if she lived there and she said yes. They took her into her room, and there, written in blood on the wall, were the words, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?" Her roommate was being murdered while she was getting her things. 

This didnt happen to me and it has nothing to do with MY grandfather. So what if I stole another story, you will probably steal all mine. Here is the story.... My great-great grandmother, ill for quite some time, finally passed away after laying in a coma for several days. My great-great grandfather was devastated beyond belief as she was his one true love and they had been married over 50 years. They were married so long that it seemed as if they knew each other's innermost thoughts. After the Doctor pronounced her dead, my great-great Grandfather insisted that she was not. They had to literally pry him away from his wife's body so they could ready her for burial. Now, back in those days they had backyard burial plots and did not drain the body of its fluids.They simply prepared a proper coffin and committed the body (in its coffin) to its permanent resting place. Throughout this process, my great-great grandfather protested so fiercely that he had to be sedated and put to bed. His wife was buried and that was that. That night he woke to a horrific vision of his wife hysterically trying to scratch her way out of the coffin. He phoned the doctor immediately and begged to have his wife's body exhumed. The doctor refused, but my great-great grandfather had this nightmare every night for a week, each time frantically begging to have his wife removed from the grave. Finally the doctor gave in and, together with local authorities, exhumed the body. The coffin was pried open and to everyone's horror and amazement, my great-great grandmother's nails were bent back and there were obvious scratches on the inside of the coffin. 

One night a young couple were driving home from a party. they didn't feel like heading straight home so the boyfriend said "Lets go for a drive so we can spend some time alone together." His girlfriend agreed so they set off down a lonely country road and were soon far away from any houses and got deeper into remote bushland. Suddenly the car hit a log fallen across the middle of the road. The couple were startled when the car jolted to a stop, they had not seen the log in time. The boyfriend said "I'd better take a look to see if theres any damage", the girlfriend shivered with apprehension as it was so dark outside. "Be careful" she murmured. After a while the boyfriend came around to the window. "The log we hit has damaged the car badly and we wont be able to drive it . I will need some help to fix it. I thought I saw a light on a few miles back so I will go and see if I can get help." "No its too dangerous." said his girlfriend. "Don't worry I'll be fine, anyway we have no choice ". The girl said, "I'm coming with you". "No you stay here and lock all the doors and no matter what, promise me you wont get out of the car".The girl felt very fearful but agreed to do as he said. More than an hour passed and the boyfriend had not returned. The girl began to worry and thought about getting out to go look for her boyfriend. Then she remembered the promise she made to him and decided to wait a bit longer. She put on the radio to try and take her mind off the rising fear she felt. The only station she could pick up was a was a boring local country station. She listened to a few songs and then a news broadcast came on. There was a story about an escapee form a local lunatic asylum. People were warned to lock all their doors as this deranged escapee was considered extremely dangerous. The girl became even more fearful but decided to stay put and wait for her boyfriend. She must have dozed off for she was awoken by a loud "tap tap tap" on the roof of the car. Startled she looked out the windows to see if it was her boyfriend returned, but she could see nothing but darkness. The sound came again tap....... tap.......... tap, and she wondered what could be causing it?. Too fearful from the events which had passed that evening she could not bring herself to get out to see what it was. The noise continued tap......... tap......... tap, this went on for some time. Suddenly she was blinded by harsh light and could see headlights shining through the front windscreen. She hesitated wondering if it was safe to get out when she heard a voice over a megaphone 'You in the car, I want you to listen very carefully. I want you to slowly get out of the car and come toward me. I am a police officer and it is very important that you do exactly what I say. You are in danger. You must get out of the car immediately and slowly walk over here but whatever you do don't turn around and don't look back!" She heard the noise again tap........... tap.......... tap. Shaking with terror she slowly opened the car door . She climbed out of the car, the policeman said "that's it, now walk towards me without any sudden movement and remember whatever you do don't look back!" She quickened her pace as she got closer to the police car and as she almost reached the officer she couldn't help herself and turned around. There on the roof of the car was a bent over figure of a man holding a stick, on the end of the stick she saw to her great horror her boyfriends severed head, the figure was banging it on the roof tap............ tap............. tap.















Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Drop a marble and say,"Whoops! My glass eye!" 
Say "Darn this water is cold." 
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 
Say, "Now how did that get there?" 
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 
Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
Say, "I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your bum cheeks. 
Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
















Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." 
























An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich." *POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly inagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered











Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" 

















Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?" 
Your best friend is someone you've never met. 
You see a beautiful sunset and you expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on the clouds. 
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links. 
You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day. 
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You frantically search for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button that doesn't do Anything" again and again and again. 
Your dog has his own Web page. 
So does your goldfish. 
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages. 
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor. 
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 
You start introducing yourself as "Mary at hotmail dot com" 
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 
All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. 
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html 
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. 
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^) 
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse. 
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
















There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!" So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork . The best is yet to come." The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep their fork." Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ... being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. Jenny was so happy about the house they had found. For once in her life 'twas on the right side of town. She unpacked her things with such great ease. As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze. How wonderful it was to have her own room. School would be starting; she'd have friends over soon. There'd be sleep-overs, and parties; she was so happy It's just the way she wanted her life to be. On the first day of school, everything went great. She made new friends and even got a date! She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be, Because I just got a date with the star of the team!" To be known in this school you had to have clout, And dating this guy would sure help her out. There was only one problem stopping her fate. Her parents had said she was too young to date. "Well I just won't tell them the entire truth. They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?" Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night. Her parents frowned but said, "All right." Excited, she got ready for the big event But as she rushed around like she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about all the lies, But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride? Well the pizza was good, and the party was great, But the moonlight ride would have to wait. For Dan was half drunk by this time. But he kissed her and said that he was just fine. Then the room filled with smoked and Dan took a puff. Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff. Now Dan was ready to ride to the point But only after he'd smoked another joint. They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride, Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive. They finally made it to the point at last, And Dan started trying to make a pass. A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all (and by a pass, I don't mean playing football.) "Perhaps my parents were right....maybe I am too young. Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb." With all of her might, she pushed Dan away: "Please take me home, I don't want to stay." Dan cranked up the engine and floored the gas. In a matter of seconds they were going too fast. As Dan drove on in a fit of wild anger, Jenny knew that her life was in danger. She begged and pleaded for him to slow down, But he just got faster as they neared the town. "Just let me get home! I'll confess that I lied. I really went out for a moonlight ride." Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash. "Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!" She doesn't remember the force of impact. Just that everything all of a sudden went black. She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble, And heard, "call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble! Voices she heard...a few words at best. But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck. Then wondered to herself if Dan was all right, And if the people in the other car was alive. She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad. "You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad." These voices echoed inside her head, As they gently told her that Dan was dead. They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do. But it looks as if we'll lose you too." "But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried. "We're sorry, Jenny, they also died." Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done I only wanted to have just one night of fun." "Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim, And wish I could return their families to them." "Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied, And that it's my fault so many have died. Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?" The nurse just stood there-she never agreed. But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes. And a few moments later Jenny died. A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do your best To bid that girl her one last request?" She looked at the man with eyes so sad. "Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad." This story is sad and unpleasant but true, So young people take heed, it could have been you.






































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