4/22/02

erica's profile. "I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons. Finally content with a past I regret. I've found you can find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame, been trapped in the past too long. I'm movin on." Rascal Flatts, 'I'm Movin On' "Thank you for being a friend. I traveled up the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant."

april 11, 2002

she broke my heart again today. i love her more than anybody else in this world could ever possibly match. she is the most amazing person i ever met and i would do anything to be with her. obviously there is no way that is ever happening, so there's no point in going on in this misery. if she had any idea how much she hurt me. i took some of my pills and should probably finish off the rest. i'm out. fuck this world.

3/26/02

god i love her. i talked to her again this morning online after lab. i was on my game again. she always calls me stud. she has no idea how fast i would stick it to her. at the concert sunday night i got all jealous cuz she was dancing with cogs, but jeff keeps telling me not to make a big deal out of it. i need to watch that fucker though. i know he's trying to get with her. i probably won't write on here for a while. i don't really feel the rage that i did when i wasn't talking to her as much. now i love her and don't really have anything to complain about. i'll still write when something monumental happens, but i don't know how oftent that will be. i'm out.

3/23/02

i love her. last night i went to her room and it was so much fun. we wrestled and watched her friends drink. i downed two really quick to help me relax a bit. we were all over each other. well, she was on me. i'm a wimp. this is what she said on IM today: have to apologize becuase last night I wanted nothing more than to just kiss you and I am deemed the wuss becuase I couldn't do it for some reason

3/19/02

"Always keep your source of motivation in mind." --Uncle Tim

"Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift."

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them but you know they are always there. (Laird, Landis, and White...I miss you guys)

"They say love hides behind every corner. Then I must be walking in circles."

this is what her profile says. i'm trying to decide what to think.

it's tuesday afternoon. i've been talking to erica. i'm seriously liking her a lot and am just hoping that i'm not the rebound guy or that she is regretting her decision. i think she likes me, but i'm just afraid that i need to be funny all the time. i like her a lot, and when we are together it is so much fun, but online it's hard to always be on your game because it's all words and you can't see how the other person is acting. i'm in love with this girl. i got some advice from my sister and she just said that i need to relax and seem like a fun person around her friends and not worry about trying to be funny all of the time. i'm going to do that now. i'm doing everything in my power to make this work. i'm just worried about that little fuck they call kogs. he is definitely flirting with her, and if she dumped her boyfriend before after a long committment, what is to stop her from just dumping me and going with him. i hope i'm just being paranoid, but it's hard to tell. i love her so much. i just want to hang out and watch movies with her. it's the best feeling in the world to have my arm aoround her and to hold her close. that's all for now.

3/17/02

holy fucking shit!!!! how the fucking tides have turned. it's 2:30am, sunday morning. i just walked erica back to her room. she called me up after having been out drinking and said that she wanted to hang out. she was pretty tipsy. we kind of broke the ice. she was all over me. it was unbelievable. i didn't want to try anything because i didn't want her to think that i took advantage of her while in that state. she kept asking why i was afraid to touch her. i didn't know what to say. i basically had a hard-on the entire time. i'm supposed to go to churchwith her and some other girl tomorrow morning. i wish i wouldn't have gotten myself into that. i'm so happy that things have turned out this way. i really love this girl.

3/16/02

well, there was an interesting change of events today. yesterday afternoon i talked to erica and we were having fun talking on IM. she asked me if i wanted to hang out today. i said of course, and might have said something funny. anywho. i went with gable to get 2 six packs of busch pounders for whenever. i had planned on just drinking them today. last night i was sitting in my room, watching basketball. i started to eat bryan's cheetos. i binged on them and had a beer. i felt all guilty and decided to run it off. well, i go down basically to the bridge and went up on the dyke. and who should i see. erica is sitting in the little gazebo thing on the dyke with her boyfriend. i thought it was her and kept on running because i wasn't sure that it was her. i went on for a ways and decided to turn back just to confirm. and it was her. we waved at each other. i went back to my room. my achilles was hurting. i downed a pounder, jumped in the shower and downed 1 1/2 more pounders. i was unbelievably upset and wrote this whole long profile message and away message. anyway, this morning i woke up. for some reason every time that i have drank recently i wake up in the middle of the night sweating my ass off. i went and ate at bentley at 10:00. came back here and got online at like 10:30. talked to some people, watched some b-ball, and started drinking again at 11:30. i put down 3 1/2 pounders by like 1:45 when me and plum went to the guys lacrosse game. it was horrible. came back here after halftime and started again. bought a huge bag of pretzels from bentley. i had another 3 1/2 pounders before dinner where i ate with chris and big jeff. by the way, erica called while plum was here and i was buzzing. i don't remember what she said exactly. while in downstairs bentley eating, we saw erica and her friends. erica came over and wanted to talk to me so we came back here. i was pretty much wrecked. she said that last night when i saw her with her boyfriend it was ironic because she was breaking up with her boyfriend when i ran by. i really didn't want to put her through all this. she said that she told him thatshe had met somebody up here and really liked me. i don't really remember if she said me or not, but i assume she did. i wish i wasn't so wrecked when this was happening. i'm trying to decide if i should try to apologize or not. she always tells me that i don't need to apologize. when she was getting ready to leave she said that she would either call me before she went out or i was supposed to call her. i can't remember. i tried calling her at like 9:30, but her roommate said that she had just left. now i'm just afraid that since she went out and is free now she is going to be all over some guy that is hitting on her. i went to the xc house for about an hour or so but wasn't feeling it so i'm back here. what the fuck. i hope this thing with erica works out. i'm just worried about what she's doing tonight.

3/15/02

it's morning. i pretty much failed my physiology test this morning and skipped psych. i don't have comp or bio today, so i'm off until cpr class. i think that i achieved inner peace last night. it just hit me after i took one of those pills that were supposed to be for my knee. i'm just tired of moping over things. i can't let things that i can't control torcher me anymore. like the situation with erica is devestating me, but right now i don't care anymore. i can't let that destroy my life. whatever happens, happens. i talked to her after physiology on the bench outside. everything seemed fine. i had her laughing. i feel totally relaxed. i think i might get wrecked this weekend. i'm supposed to be having fun, not stressing over every little thing. i'll probably write again later.

3/14/02

yesterday was an interesting day. i didn't make eye contact with erica. i know that what i said might have been a little harsh, but i'm glad i said it. i'm seriously tired of this shit. i talked to her online last night and apologized. she said that she accepted it, but i could tell she was still a little pissed off. she had sent me an email saying that she did have feelings for me but pushed them aside because she valued our friendship so much more. after apologizing, i said that i wasn't making excuses, and that it was just the frustration boiling over because i like her so much and there's nothing i can do about it. she then said that she was just going to bite her tongue. then she had to go for a run with her friend, but wasn't running out on the conversation. i was pretty pissed off, but pretty much gave up hope right there. obviously it's not going to happen, especially after this. after i talked to her, i went to a strip club in williamsport called club fred. it was pretty shady. next to a factory and behind a motel 8. all 20 of us walked in and there was only a few dirty old men in there with a black girl with braids dancing on the pole in the middle. we stayed for at least 90 minutes. the highlight of the night was getting big jeff handcuffed to the pole and watching this lady go to town on him. she was jumping on him, then cut his underwear off and poured ice down his pants. it was absolutely hilarious. it was a pretty good time, but started to get boring so we left. that was pretty much all that happened. i don't even care about my achilles anymore. it's not worth worrying about. i also got my midterm grade in bio. i have a 63.97% so far this semester. today i took care of the major change paper and just have to get cleared to register. i'm so relieved that this is happening. that's it for now. keep it real. actually, some people say "keep it real" as a joke, but i'm dead serious. that is basically my problem with people. they act fake because they worry too much about what other people think of them. that must be a miserable life to be that insecure. i'm insecure about my appearance because i can't get a girl, i could care less what most people think about me, and that's the truth.

3/12/02 today was very interesting. erica misunderstood something that i said today and got all pissed off, so i sent her an email say that i don't need this shit, and told her to go fuck her boyfriend, i have enough problems. i feel kind of bad about it now, but could care less. this is what happens when i open my mouth. no more socializing. i'm trying to decide whether or not to go to physiology tomorrow. she will be there and i'm sure that won't be awkward (sarcasm). i wouldn't go to bio either but we have a fucking quiz. also have a bitch of a lab report to work on. this whole erica situation is destroying me. fuck her. i hate my fucking life.

3/11/02

i've basically given up on life. spring break was fun, but came back to school and it's the same old shit. tomorrow i have a test in bio lab (fail), wednesday quiz in bio (fail), friday exam in physiology (fail), monday exam in psychology (straight) friday quiz in cpr (straight). that and i'm just pissed off with erica and the entire female population in general. they say that guys are shallow, but basically guys have low standards and will go after just about any girl. girls are picky and make guys do all this stupid shit just to talk to them. i don't even like erica anymore. i'm just not going to talk to her anymore and if she asks if i'm mad at her i'm gonna tell her the truth. i'm basically failing everything because i can't think of anything else except what i should say to her. i want to just put her out of my mind for good. pretty hard to do because i see her in classes every day. i'm also blocking her on my instant messenger. i'm seriously going to go off on her one day. just be like "i don't have time for this shit. go fuck your boyfriend." or something like that. she thinks of me as just one of the girls so it doesn't really matter what i say anyway. fuck her. i want to transfer so bad. i also decided that i want to major in journalism. i love writing but don't know how i'm going to go about doing this. once i change majors, some of the classes that i've taken will be pretty much useless, so if i transfer, i would be losing credits anyway. it should even out. i don't know if i would have to go to grad. school or not. i wouldn't think so. i hope not at least because i'm more than like going to be here for 5 years, or somewhere else for another 4 years. i don't even know if it is selective to get into the journalism major or what. the school website doesn't have a lot of information. lying in bed, just like brian wilson did. what an awesome song. my achilles is feeling a little better. i'm ready to give up on that too. i want to just drop out of school. i hate my fucking life. nothing goes right. i'm probably going to cry later. i feel so shitty about everything. i'm going to go back to being a hermit. if you don't try to get close to somebody then you never get hurt. fuck mankind. fucking insecure shallow bastards.

3/10/02

went to spring break in florida. read about it: Click Here

3/1/02

i went out last night. to duba's and then to kro. it was pretty fun. me and plum got to duba's and joe was pretty much wrecked. we had a fun time there. we actually went there, but the box had his old room number on it. so there was no answer at the door and we went to gable's. i saw in the directory that eagler was apt. #12, so me, plum, and gable went to kro. hardly anybody was there, so me and plum decided to go back and check apt. 12. sure enough, they were there. they were getting pretty messed up and i only had 2, so i was sober. we went back to kro at 10:30. i had one more and then they said that the keg was kicked. i smoked a cigar. i was trying to talk to this girl, and she seemed interested, but she was probably just being polite. some monkey looking guy with long hair came up and pretty much blocked me. i talked to her after she shot me with a squirt gun. i left shortly thereafter. i had been talking to erica beforehand and was on my game. i had her laughing her ass off. she is so unbelievable hot. anyway, she sent me an email saying that i was a good friend and shit. how fucked up is that? i knew that she thought of me as just one of the girls. i hate my fucking life. i might get trashed over break and send her an email telling her what i really want to say. i'm definitely staying up here. god i love her, and it's so depressing not being able to express myself to her. she's killing me. there was a little article in the paper that said that a girl on the marshal univ. softball team killed herself. i wonder if they would put my name in there if i did it too since i'm on a team. fuck it. i'm gonna go eat. how can she think of me as a friend? i fucking love her and would do anything for her, or just for the chance of being with her. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2/26/02

well, i made the decision today to change my major. i would just transfer, but i don't want to have wasted $12,000 because i don't know how many of my credits will transfer. i made a list of why i should and why i shouldn't transfer, and the results say that i should transfer. this came after my bio lab. the deusche bag wrote on the top of my lab report (that i have already redone 3 times) your inability to follow directions will hold you back in many efforts. i'm looking at the other majors offered at school, and a few look interesting. i also talked to my sister and mother about it, and they both think i should do what makes me happy. i also realized that i'm never going to run competitively again. there was something else i wanted to say but i can't remember. anyway, we had a drug meeting today and some guy came in and talked about drugs and alcohol. i don't think i'm gonna drink anymore. oh now i remember what i was going to say. i talked to my mother, and she asked if i thought i was depressed. i said that i didn't want to diagnose myself, and didn't want to say that i was because i didn't want to worry her. how would she react if i told her that i think of killing myself on a daily basis. i don't know if i'm gonna have to see a psychologist or what. i would almost rather do that so i would just know for sure, and maybe they could prescribe some drugs to brighten my mood. i would like to transfer and just start over somewhere. i would like to go to some huge school adn remain anonymous; just not talk to anybody. that would be great. i want to transfer but the main thing stopping me is the fact that i don't think i would ever have a chance with erica. not that i do now, but my chances would be shot, and i would miss her so much that i might just kill myself. i might just lay it on her that i'm thinking about transferring and see how she reacts. i don't want to tell her that i'm a headcase because she probably already realizes that, and if she doesn't, then she will after i tell her. spring break starts friday night. i'm pretty sure i'm staying at the xc house unless my parents want me to come home. i don't know what to fucking say. i'm out. i have some decisions to make. fuck me.

2/25/02

i knew it has been a while since i wrote, but i didn't realize it has been this long. it's monday night. this past weekend i went to the conference championships to help out. it sucked. it was depressing being there and not being able to run. my ankle got so much worse last week and they said that i have tendinitis. they don't fucking listen to me. it hurts directly on the bone, yet they say i don't need an x-ray or a bone scan or anything. erica is the level 1 trainer for track, so i've been seeing her in the training room. she is so hot. i think i'm getting over her for real though. i just don't care if i don't talk to her. last night (sunday) they had a post conference meet party that i went to. i got a little drunk, but not trashed. i only had 5 beers and a lot of vodka-gummy bears. i called erica after midnight but just talked to her real quick. i was a little drunk but didn't say anything drastic. she thought it was funny. and i still made it to my 8 o'clock class this morning. i got back to my dorm before 1 and went to bed, but woke up at 2:30 soaked in sweat. it was disgusting. i got up and took a shower and went back to bed by 2:45 or after, then was up at 7:25 for class. bryan got another bird. he is such a fucking asshole i don't even feel like talking about him. thursday erica came over and he stayed for pretty much the whole time and was pretty much trying to make me look bad. i hate him so much. also erica gave me a thankyou card for the movie i gave her on valentines day. she said that it meant a lot to her. maybe she should think about that. i'm trying to just say fuck it and not bother, but i have all these classes with her and then i see her in the training room. and i'll probably have classes with her for the rest of my time here at lock haven, so i don't want to do anything stupid and make things awkward. i'm pretty sure that i'm staying at the xc house over break, so i'll probably get drunk and write her an email or something. i would pay any amount of money for her to break up with her boyfriend. maybe it will happen over break. very doubtful, but we can only hope. that's all for now. keep it real.

2/16/02

i don't know what to fucking say. we had a beer mile this morning. it was hell. i finished in 17:55 apparently. i could have swore that it was faster than that. it was a lot harder than it sounds. the rest of the day i ate, watched some of the big east indoor championships on trackmeets.com, and went down to the house to play horseshoes. now it's saturday night. i talked to erica for like 2 minutes earlier. i don't know what her fucking problem is. after like 2 minutes, she just said "i'm gonna get going" then "ttyl." fuck her. i think i'm so fucking frustrated right now i'm gonna cry. why is she doing this shit to me. i think i might go get shit faced sometime and call her up and tell her off for good. well, it's not happening next week because i'm going to the psac championships to help out, then the weekend after that is spring break. i want to just stay up here, but i don't want to invite myself down to the house. if i'm there, i'll probably get drunk and write her a really nasty email or something. if she called me right now, i'd probably tell her to just fuck off. i'm sick of this shit. i'm sick of everything. my parents pounded me with questions again, and i'm just sick of everybody. fuck this world. my profile just says "fuck everybody." i'm not online right now. i just don't feel like talking to anybody. actually, i might get online just to see if the bitch is online. she has me whipped, but i'm not getting anything out of it. i have so much shit i want to say to her, but if i do go off, i probably won't be able to remember it. i should probably write it down, but i don't fucking feel like it. i just want to end my life right now. actually, i would really like to fight somebody. fuck this bullshit world we live in.

"I hate teachers, I hate school
I hate the cheerleaders, and anyone who's cool..."
"I hate the jocks and I hate the geeks
I hate the trendies but I also hate the freaks
I hate your band and I hate TV
I'm only happy when I'm in my misery..."
"I don't like nothing and I like that fine
Liking something's just a waste of time"
the offspring, cool to hate

2/15/02

i think that i'm finally over erica. i don't know what it is, but i'm just tired of worrying about it. i'm not gonna be just one of the girls or be how her gay friend is. fuck him. the more i talk to her, the more i want to be with her. there is a quote on megan johnson's profile that sums up how i've been feeling.

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them."

it's true. plus, she's gained a some weight since she's been up here. i can tell by looking at her picture on the top of this journal. i'm not gonna initiate conversation with her anymore. if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend, then maybe. but i don't see it happening. noelle mack IM'd me to find out who xxsandfishxx is. i told her it was steve bogdan, which i probably shouldn't have done. who knows what he's done now. well, it's friday night, and i don't feel like doing anything. bryan went to va. beach to bang some highschool chick. my ankle is killing me, and tomorrow i'm apparently participating in a beer mile. it's my first one, i just hope my ankle and hamstring don't start acting up. i'm out.

2/14/02

valentines day. the only point of this bullshit holiday is to remind people like me how nobody likes us. i don't know why i haven't written since monday. i guess i just didn't feel like it. i don't think i talked to erica at all on tuesday. wednesday was pretty much the same, but i sent her an email asking her to come over today so i could look at her bio lab since i have to redo mine. i only looked at hers for like 5 minutes, then she just hung out. she is so hot. i had to rub one out as soon as she left. she had on a real low cut shirt with a black bra. i'm getting a semi just thinking about it. anywho, i talked to her again a little while ago. i had decided to just not talk to her anymore. today is valentines day, and it's driving me crazy that i can't do anything with her, even though i did give her "it's a wonderful life" that i had originally bought for her for xmas. she was grateful. i don't want to talk to her because i don't know if i can handle getting too close and then getting devestated. this morning, i hiked up to the top of the hill with the power lines that i had originally done back on december 1st. i climbed a tree up top and put a bottle with a message up in it just saying that i was there on valentines day 2002, and that i love erica. i then took some pictures and came back to my dorm. that's basically it. i'm feeling tired and confused. i'm out.

2/11/02

i don't know where to start. i failed the shit out of my bio test today. the only good news was that i got a 79.5% on my physiology test. i was just in a bad mood all day. i hate that fucker art next door. when he laughs he yells and that keeps me awake at night. i was just tired all day. got online with erica a little bit this afternoon but wasn't really in the mood to talk. i told her that my medicine has been making me a little moody. i didn't want to tell her that i get depressed so often. then at practice i rolled my ankle. now it hurts even more and my hamstring was hurting from yesterday. i didn't talk to erica since this afternoon. maybe if i don't talk to her for a while then she will want to talk to me even more. i have a lab quiz tomorrow that i should fail so i might as well look at that shit some more. i'm out. fuck this world. fuck my language. why do i cuss so much?

2/10/02

it's now sunday night. just talked to erica for a little while. i just feel very depressed today. i don't know why. i noticed it and i remembered that i had taken a vioxx this morning and that i hadn't been feeling as depressed when i wasn't taking them. but i looked on the internet and nowhere did it say that side effects included depression so maybe it's just my imagination. i don't know if i messed up last night or what, but it was kind of weird talking to erica today. i try not to let on that i'm depressed, but i can never think of anything to say. and she's always apologizing for shit. i hope she doesn't think i'm a headcase. here i am saying i hope she doesn't think i'm a headcase after i just said how depressed i'm feeling. i don't know. i ran about 8 miles today which is way more than i was supposed to do so i'll probably be hurting later. i iced a little and should probably be doing that now. i have a big test in bio that i think i should do decent on. of course i always think that i know more than i do. i'm not talking to anybody anymore.

well, i talked to erica A LOT yesterday. online and then later i saw her in downstairs bentley. talked to her online for a long time afterwards and asked her to go to the movies. she said yes, and then i said that she could come down and hang out for a while before we left and she said yes again even though she was only here for a little while before we left. we went and saw orange county. i already saw it, but she hadn't seen it before. she laughed a lot. i didn't try to make a move or anything. after the movie i got her to come with me to the cross house thinking that we could stay and hang out but she really didn't want to. so we made a quick appearance and then left. she kept saying that she felt bad because she thought i wanted to stay there but i really wanted to be with her. fuck the people at the house. by this time it was close to 11:30 and we went back to my room and watched tv until 2:00 when she left. i felt bad because there was nothing to really do and there was nothing good on tv. saturday night live wasn't on because of the olympics. i think i may have messed up a little bit though. i kept making fun of nascar and rednecks and she seemed a little pissed off because her entire family is into nascar pretty much. then later i tried tickling her feet just messing around and i don't know if she thought i was flurting or what but she seemed kind of disturbed. she left and i wanted to kiss her so bad or do something but this whole boyfriend situation is hanging over us. she's driving me crazy. i have a feeling that she really likes me but can't do anything about it. and with fucking valentines day coming up, there's no way she'll break up with her boyfriend anytime soon. she bought me a mug from walmart because i told her i had been drinking hot chocolate out of dixie cups. it was really thoughtful. i payed for her movie ticket but she didn't want me to do that. i had a great time talking to her yesterday online but i think i kind of screwed up the in-person conversations. ah well. her friends from back home are supposed to come visit her next weekend and they want to meet me, so that should be awkward. they're gonna take one look at me and be like "look at this ugly fucker." actually i need to cut down on the language for now on. that is a resolution i made at new years and haven't been sticking to it. now i have to study for my bio test tomorrow. keep it real yo.

2/9/01

well, i went and ate (it's only 11:40am right now) came back and talked to erica online for a few minutes. she asked me if i wanted to hang out later!!!! i'm so pumped right now. i'm not trying to get my hopes too high, but i think she likes me. it could be purely platonic. that reminds me of a line in a beutiful mind. john nash was in a bar, and went up to this woman and said that he didn't know what he was supposed to say and asked if they could just skip straight to the intercourse. it was pretty funny. but he also said something about platonic in there somewhere. i don't know but it was funny. now i have to study for biology. we have a fucking unit test on monday and then a lab quiz on tuesday. what the fuck? i'm kind of nervous about eagler. he said something to me online yesterday and i didn't know who it was, but then i started talking shit and figured it out that it was indeed him. then he got pissed off and said something like "your gonna need all your niggas to get you out of this shit," or something like that. but i think i'm gonna lay low for a while. i hope he doesn't want to fight me. i'm not scared of him, it's just that he's a little thick and probably 23 years old or something. whatever. i'm just gonna avoid him. there aint no way in hell i'm going to the house tonight. now i have to study and try to get my mind off erica. bwahahaha

well, yesterday was a pretty good day. my classes dragged like you wouldn't believe. i had the biggest urge for ice cream since thursday night, so after dinner i went to the sub shop and got a pint of ben & jerry's. i went back to my room and devoured it. meanwhile i had been talking to erica online and found out that she was going to the movies with her friend erin. she invited me along. so we walked cuz she didn't want to get a ride because she said that she didn't know anybody. we met up with the team at the theatre. i sat next to my goddess. i didn't try to hold her hand or anything. we saw a beutiful mind. it sucked. i hated it. not only that, but for the first hour and a half of the movie i was debating how to make a move, so i wasn't really into the movie. the movie was depressing. a lot of it had to do with the relationship between john nash (russell crowe) and his wife. it was depressing because it showed them falling in love and of course i was thinking about erica and i assume she was thinking of her boyfriend. i don't want to mess this up. i'd rather have her as a friend than not have her in my life at all. i know that was a quote from american pie 2, but it's kind of true. i don't know what i would do without her. she said that next year she is trying to get into woolridge. i hope that she does. i don't know who i'm gonna room with next year. the only person on the team that i would like to room with is plum, but i don't know what he's gonna do. bryan, my douchbag roommate is gonna be living off campus instead of going to australia like he originally planned. what's funny is that i don't think he even has enough credits to move off campus and he's already signed the lease. what a fuck. i'm number 5 on the new moron list for my escapades last weekend. i'm not going out tonight. unless of course erica wants to do something; but that's probably wishful thinking. i always have her laughing when i talk to her online, but in person i guess i feel too self conscious about my appearance and never act like myself. and in front of erin last night i didn't really say anything. she's cooler that i thought she would be. i thought she would be a bitch like her friend megan. i can't stand that girl. cussing and everything. i went running this morning and my foot hurt so bad i was pretty much limping. i'm icing now and am a little worried about it. that's all for now. keep it real.

2/7/02

today was my day off. no classes. i talked to erica on AIM for a while last night, this morning, and then a little bit this afternoon. i had her cracking up. she told me that i'm hysterical. this is like the 5th time she's told me how funny i am. why can't she realize how happy i would make her if she would just give me the chance? valentines day is coming up in a week. the worst day of the year for people like me. it's just a reminder to everybody how repulsive i am. last night she asked how my cpr class went. i said that she needs to come down so i can practice my mouth-to-mouth on her as a joke. she said "don't tempt me." she's so cool about this whole situation. she knows i'll never stop liking her, and i think she is just teasing me right now. i hope we can do something this weekend. since the whole phone call situation we haven't hung out or anything. it's probably for the best. she probably just wants to make sure i don't try anything. if we went to a party or something and i've been drizzin , then i'd definitely try something, but that would probably piss her off something horrible. i guess i'll just have to be content with being her friend. i can't handle being thought of as just one of the girls though. but i might have to if i ever hope to have a chance with her. with valentines day coming up, there's no way in hell she'll be breaking up with her boyfriend any time soon. it's not really that depressing anymore. i guess you can only cry about the same thing for so many times and then it doesn't affect you anymore. for instance, i used to get all worked up whenever i heard the braveheart remix on my computer. but now i don't. well, i gotta go to practice. my hamstring is getting worse. fuck.

2/6/02

today really seemed to drag. talked to erica a little this morning. we had a test in physiology, and she got done before me and didn't wait for me. i think i did pretty good on the test. she apologized when i talked to her later because she said that she had another test at 9:00 to study for or something. i really didn't care. my fucking hamstring seems to be getting a little worse every day. i have a feeling that i'm never going to be able to run competitively again. there aint no way this injury is ever going to go away. everybody is always talking about what events they're running and what they want to run during outdoor, and it's fucking killing me. erica is killing me too. i just don't feel like dealing with anybody anymore. my mom sent me a fucking email again. i talk to them every fucking day. i wish people would just leave me alone. of course she asks if me and erika are still hanging out. everybody spells it wrong, and i've corrected everybody about it. why can't people just mind their own fucking business? brian is a douchbag too. i don't even feel like talking about him. he's so nosy. he pretty much looks over my should whenever i'm on instant messenger. he'll probably walk in while i'm typing this and look to see what i'm doing. and he plays with that stupid fucking bird, and has to go chasing it at least twice every time he gets the stupid fucker out. no words to describe how much i hate people. i'm just gonna start eating on my own too. paul hallman doesn't like me, and everybody is on fu's nuts. i don't feel like dealing with these people. they're just worried about being cool. rick is an asshole. dave is a stupid fuck. bullers is an asshole. walters is cool, but he kind of talks shit to me sometimes. plum is just worried about looking cool. he kind of gets on my nerves. everybody talks shit about everybody else, and probably about me when i'm not there. well, the douchbag just got back from the shower, so i'm gonnna go before he reads this. fucking asshole.

2/5/02

i really hate my fucking life. talked to erica again this morning after lab. we left at the same time. just bullshit for like 30 seconds then she left. i have a feeling that nothing is ever going to happen. it really is depressing, but i guess i have to move on with my life. i can't even comprehend what i'm going to do now. i can't handle getting hurt anymore. she really fucking killed me. i don't feel like talking to anybody anymore. fuck this world.

2/4/02

i was listening to this offspring cd that i haven't listened to in a while, and this song really personifies my view on life. i don't even know if personifies is the right word. fuck it. who am i trying to impress? here are the lyrics:

I hate a lot of things
I hate a lot of people that are lame
I like to hate stuff
Cause then I don't havae to try and make
A change
I hate teachers
I hate school
I hate the cheerleaders
And anyone who's cool
I hate the office
I hate the Quad
Don't wanna learn nothing
I want to be a slob

It's cool to hate
It's cool to hate
I don't like nothing and I like that fine
(Liking something's just a waste of time)
It's cool to hate
It's cool to hate
I don't like nothing and I like that fine
(Liking something's just a waste of time)
I don't like nothing and like that fine
(Liking something's just a waste of time)
Yeah I hate everything
I even hate you too
So fuck you

I'm always thinking bad
I never have nothing good to say
I'd rather tear things down
Than build them up
It's easier that way
I hate the jocks
And I hate the geeks
I hate the trendies
But I also hate the freaks
I hate Dr. Martens
And Muscle T's
I'm only happy when I'm in my misery
I'll cut you down and give you lip
Being positive's so unhip
I'll cut you down cause I'm a fool
Being positive's so uncool

I hate the jocks
And I hate the geeks
I hate the trendies
But I also hate the freaks
I hate your band
And I hate TV
I'm only happy when I'm in my misery

well, it's been a while since i wrote. i really just didn't feel like it to tell you the truth. friday night, i went to penn state with plum, fish, sven, morgan, and morgan's friend. we saw black hawk down, and then ate at hooters. saturday morning, i went for a walk. i walked tressle(sp?). i had every intention of going hiking up one of those mountains, but they were very steep and rocky. plus it was so unbelievably cold outside. i don't know what i did for the rest of the day. saturday night i went to the cross house and got shitfaced again. there was hardly anybody there so i was the entertainment. i slept there after puking a few times. sunday was hell. i felt worse as the day went on. threw up in bathroom here in the dorm, then slept for a long as time before eating and watching the superbowl. new england pulled the upset. i'm glad they won. always routing for the underdog. black hawk down was a hard movie. i liked it a lot. it was a little long, but pretty action packed. there wasn't much dialogue in it at all. we sat in front of these rednecks that were talking shit and cussing. it was pretty funny. that was basically my weekend. erica seemed a little down this morning in class. i wanted to ask her how the whole family situation worked out, but didn't want to pry. then i didn't even talk to her in biology. i've been sitting by myself. i guess i'll never have any chance with her. who's saying that if she did break up with her boyfriend that she would go out with me anyway? my life fucking sucks. i got a 74% on my psych test this morning, and i just failed the shit out of my bio quiz. she makes the questions all hard to understand. i changed some of my answers after she tried to explain some things, and made them wrong. i probably got a 4-5 out of 10. then i got a fucking email from my lab teacher cuz i sent him one asking about the lab report, and he said that i don't understand the fundamentals and need to see him. what a fucking tool. he grades like a nazi i bet. i'm really starting to worry about this school work. i don't know if i can handle it. i've heard that the shit gets harder every year. i'm gonna have to take chemistry and physics and pre-calculas and all that shit. i don't want to quit, but this is really starting to worry me. i'll probably write again later. god i hate my life. i didn't run all weekend cuz my fucking hamstring has been getting worse too. just what i need right now. fuck this world.

1/31/02

well, nothing really happened yesterday. i talked to her for a while on the instant messenger this morning. god i miss her. of course i was being an asshole and not saying anything cuz i'm pretty pissed off at the whole situation. then she started to get a little upset and apologized for annoying me. this really pissed me off cuz i've been dying to talk to her, and she said "same here." last night i made a little list of stuff i wanted to say to her if we started arguing, but i can't stay mad at her. i'm never gonna stop loving her. fuck it. this weekend she's going home cuz her sister slit her wrists, but is fine. i think it was a fake suicide attempt. a call for help. that's pretty much what i was going to do, except i wasn't gonna make it a call for help, i was gonna go through with it. i don't think i'll do anything drastic soon though, since this thing with her sister is pretty traumatic. anyways, this weekend i'm gonna go get lost in the woods somewhere. it's gonna be a survival mission. if i can't handle it, then who cares? nobody. exactly. i'm thinking of making it an overnight type thing. taking nothing but some water and maybe some fruit. it's probably gonna get cold as shit outside, so maybe i'll freeze to death or something. i'll take my knife of course. i don't know why i'm so worried about wild animals. they freak me out. they give you the stare down and shit. if i get attacked by something i'm gonna cut it's fucking head off. i'll probably leave tomorrow night, friday and make it an all-night trip. i'm gonna take my camera too so that i can get some pictures of the sunrise from the top of a mountain or something. i'll probably get lost and fall off a cliff or something. good. then i can go out as the nice guy. nobody gives me any respect. i want to fight somebody so bad. if somebody says something to me, just go off and start swinging. i'll write again tomorrow before i leave. i'm not leaving until after practice. i'm not showering. just coming back here after practice and putting on some warm clothes and then i'm off. according to weather.com, the high and low tomorrow is supposed to be 55 and 25. and on saturday, high 34 and low of 16. that's gonna be cold as shit. i can handle it. fuck this world if i don't. nobody will fucking miss me anyway. punks.

1/29/02

well, i had an easy biology lab today. i almost broke down when i saw erica. then i got back to my room, and we talked for a little while on the instant messenger. she's trying her best to act like nothing is wrong. there is nobody in this world that would treat her as good as i wold and would make her as happy as i would. i can guarantee that. since obviously i have no chance with her, i've made the decision to just go about my life not talking to anybody. i think i said this last night too, but when you try to get close to somebody, you end up getting hurt. i'm also starting to worry about my hamstring. it bothers me a little bit when i'm running, so i don't know how it's gonna react if i try to run more or try to run harder. i'll probably get on and write more shit later. i'm not going to get on instant messenger very often anymore either. i really don't feel like talking to anybody. i'm gonna be a hermit when i get older. fuck this world. i don't know if she thinks as me as just one of the girls or what, cuz she sent me some gay ass forward about nouns, and what men and women are represented by each. totally lame. fuck her.

1/28/02

ok, this is the third time that i've written on here today. you can tell what i've been thinking about. i saw her after i was done running. i was sitting there icing my hamstring and she walked in cuz she has basketball that she is the trainer for until the end of this week. she said hi and smiled. i wonder if she even read my email that i sent to her. i thought of a couple of things that i should have said after i already sent it, but i think i did pretty good. i would do anything to be her boyfriend. i'm not exaggerating either. i'd fight anybody anywhere, any time just to have a chance with her. it's so unfair. isn't that just common courtesy that you should break up with your boyfriend before you go away to college. it's not fair to anybody. i said that in the letter too. it's obvious that she liked me, but apparently it wasn't in that way. i wish she would just dump that creep she's going out with. i'm not joking, but if i ever saw him i would seriously beat the shit out of him. it's obvious that i don't have a chance in the world with her anymore, so really i would have nothing to lose. unless by some miracle she breaks up with him, which i don't see happening considering valentines day is coming up. they'll probably have such a romantic time together. fuck him. she's never gonna know the personal anguish and pain that she has put me throught for the last two months. we met on november 17th at that party, and she said that she didn't have a boyfriend even though one of her friends said that she did. i admit, she was a little under the influence, but i guess that was the little shred of hope that i was hanging on to. she would never dump him for me. she's too nice of a person to do that. that faggott probably listens to tim mcgraw too. too bad i'm not some redneck bitch, then maybe i'd have a chance. the saddest part is that she's probably the only person that i'm ever going to have a chance with. for now on, i'm just sitting in my room on weekends, and i'm gonna go through my day without talking to anybody. she has made my life a living hell. i'm probably gonna cry again later. in my email to her, i probably sounded a little desperate, and i laid a little bit of guilt on, but i tryed to come off as the nice guy that way if she ever does break up with that faggott, i might have a chance. whatever. fuck this world. i swear i'm gonna live by myself when i get older. don't have to worry about these bitches messing with your emotions and shit. ii realized today that i haven't been this upset about something since my grandfather died. goddamnit. i'm about to cry. fuck this world yo. fuck this world.

it's in the afternoon now. she sent me an email saying she didn't know that i thought of her that way basically. fuck her

well, i saw that bitch again this morning. she was almost trying to act like nothing had happened. fuck her. now, we've both been online for a while, and haven't said one word to each other. i wrote this long fucking letter to her last night after i got done crying. i'm debating on when i should send it to her. probably after i get back from biology. actually, i'll send it before bio that way she'll see it whenever she gets back. fuck my life. now she has as part of her profile, it says "Sometimes I really wish that I could rewind time and do things differently." goddamn her. i'm sitting here crying like a bitch. what the fuck does she mean by that? more than likely, she probably wishes that she never would have even started talking to me. there is no words to describe the pain that i'm feeling right now. now, i'll go out into this hell that i call my life. i'm seriously close to just ending it all, but i'm too much of a pussy to do that. not that i'm afraid to do it, it's just that there is so much stuff that i still want to do. i wish that i could just start over myself. go run off somewhere and not worry about anybody or anything. i could just run. even though i would still be hurting, i wouldn't have to worry about running competitively, just running cuz i love to do it. fuck this world yo.

1/27/02

well, it's sunday morning. i went to the little party at the cross house last night. i couldn't get erica to come. i left early cuz i really didn't feel like sitting in my room. i was drinking by 8:30. i think i had about 8 by 11:00, then maybe 1 after that. i called erica but there was no answer so i left a message. i was a little under the influence at the time. i knew what i wanted to say, but nothing was coming out right. i remember pretty much what i said. i know i told her that i liked her a lot, but i'm not sure if i asked if she had a boyfriend, or i just mentioned that i didn't know if she had one. fuck him if she does. i'm not hungover this morning. i guess getting less than 5 hours may have had something to do with that. but when i got back to my room last night, she had left a message on my instant messenger that she was gonna meet me somewhere last night, but i guess that got scratched. i hope things aren't awkward between us now that i told her (kind of) that i like her a lot. i guess i'll find out today. joe schaffer seemed interested that i like erica. i don't know if he likes her too or what. i hope not. there is just something about him that i can't stand. he's like a slightly toned down version of dave. what a fuck. anyway, i'll probably write more later depending on what happens today. i feel sick to my stomach right now. i almost puked on my run this morning. i almost wish that i would have, so i wouldn't feel this way right now. maybe it's just nerves. whatever. i'm out like the fat chick in dodgeball.

well, i'm back. it's now sunday night. i talked to erica on instant messenger for a long time today. just about normal stuff. it was kind of awkward at first, then we changed the subject. then, right as i was getting offline, i asked her if she had a boyfriend. she said that she did so i said "fuck" then "i'm out" and signed off. there is no words to describe the pain i'm feeling right now. it's not fucking fair. i can never catch a fucking break. i've never felt this way about anybody. why? after i got offline, i went for a walk on the dyke, and these two little white trash faggotts were making fun of my nose. if they weren't 10 years old, i would have beat the shit out of them. i was in tears pretty much the entire time. how can this world be this unfair? have i not paid my fucking dues? i'm in fucking tears right now. fuck. i wish i could just end it all right now. she just fucking called. asking if i was mad. what the fuck does she think? she just ripped my fucking heart apart, and wants to know if i'm fucking mad. of course i said that i wasn't. if she does for some reason ask again, i'm gonna go off. it's not fucking fair, especially on her part. goddamnit. i can't take this shit anymore. fuck her. why do i love her so much? now, i'm gonna go fucking cry like a little bitch.

1/26/02

well, i talked to her a little today. i got chris rogers to go with me to the girls basketball game cuz i knew that she would be there. afterwards, we sat together and watched the first half of the guys game. i had a good time and walked her back to her dorm. you won't change her mind about coming out with me tonight. she says that she promised her friends that she would go out with them, but that i should call her when i'm out, and maybe she will stop by. i don't think i'm even going to call her. it would be kind of awkward. i might just get shitfaced. there isn't going to be anybody at the cross house, but i don't like going to andy's house. it's always so crowded. i might just chill at the cross house, even if i am by myself. whatever. i would rather just stay with erica and watch a movie or something. fuck.

1/25/02

well, i talked to erica a little after class this morning, then again on instant messenger. i had her laughing and stuff, so i thought i was doing good. then i asked her to come to the party tomorrow night, and she said that she couldn't because she had a recruit coming, and then she promised her friends that she would hang out with them on saturday night. then i said, "damn. shot down again." and she was like "again?" and wanted to know what i meant. i didn't want to start bitching about the fact that she has shot me down no less than 5 times so far, so i just said that i didn't mean anything by it. of course i'm pissed off, but i didn't want her to know. i then saw her after practice, when she was there as the trainer for the girls basketball team. we just waved. fuck. i understand that we're not exactly going out or anything, as much as i wish we were, but you'd think if she had even the slightest interest she would try to do something with me. i don't know. she's probably fucking andy, or that fag with the cowboy hat. why is this girl making me go crazy. anyway, it's friday night, and the team has a meet tomorrow, but i'm not going cuz it's gonna be one of these 12 hour deals. nobody is really doing anything tonight. a couple of people are going to the movies, but i hate being the tag along guy considering that they will most likely have partners with them. so i'm sitting here, drawing, thuggin it. you know, the usual. tomorrow night, i may go to the house early and just get shit-faced before the rest of the team even arrives, cuz they probably won't get home until midnight or something. i may call erica from there, after i'm buzzing of course. i'll tell her how much i like her, and if i say something terribly wrong and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, i'll just blame it on the alcohol. isn't life swell. you can fuck up anything, but blame it on alcohol, and it's not quite so bad. that's it for now. i'm gonna go back to drawing. this picture looks hard. it's gonna say "thug life" in old english letters, with a picture of a gun and dice underneath it. damn. i really am thuggin it. keep it real.

1/24/02

well, erica came over and we hung out today. i finally got up the nerve to call her last night with the intention of just asking whether or not she had a boyfriend and to find out where we stand, but there was no answer. i woke up this morning, and she had sent me an email asking if i wanted to hang out today, so she came over, and i had a really good time. she seemed to enjoy herself a lot. i think i'm in love with her. i'm so happy when i talk to her, and my roommate says that i should try to kiss her, but i don't think i can take the rejection. i'm gonna try to get her to come to a party at the cross country house this saturday, and maybe i'll make my move. actually, i'll definitely make my move, that is if she even comes. well, it's in writing now, so i can't back out. i love her.

1/22/02

things always seem fine between erica and me when we're talking, but i don't know what the fuck is going on. today, i saw her sitting in lunch with her friend erin, who is a total snob, and sitting next to some faggot with a cowboy hat. he wasn't wearing the hat, how gentlemanly of him. what a fuck. this shit has to happen to me. i've never felt this way about anybody before, and as soon as i find somebody that i really like and want to spend time with, she has to have a fucking boyfriend. actually, i don't know for sure, but i'm 99% sure. fuck her. i don't need to talk about her anymore. tonight, i'm probably going to go out and steal this sign from the side of this shopping center. the only things that i am worried about are whether i'll be able to cut it down, and then, getting it back to the dorms. i'm gonna put it in my bag, but i don't want to get stopped and have the cops search my bag and find it. also, if i do it late enough, and come back all flushed from the cold, the people that monitor the doors of the dorm may want to check my bag to see if i have any alcohol or something. i don't even really care if i get locked up. i know my parents would be pissed. that's a good 3.5-4 hour drive up here, and since my dad works nightwork, you can imagine how happy he'll be. i sent an email to erica saying that there is something that i need to ask her about, but i'll probably puss out when it comes time to ask. i don't know why i'm so worried if i pretty much know the answer anyway. fuck this world. i don't need anybody. i'm just gonna go through without talking to anybody. what's the point. we're all gonna be dead eventually anyway, shouldn't we make the most out of our own life instead of worrying about what other people think of us? fuck them. i'll probably write some more later. this is almost like a kind of therapy for me. i can vent my hate and anger onto something. if i had a punching bag i would be going ballistic on that thing. maybe i'll go fight somebody. take out my hate on some punk that says something smart to me. fuck this world.

well, i talked to erica last night after i typed all that shit. then again this morning. i tried to get her to tell me something about who andy is, but to no avail. i want to just come straight out and ask if he is her boyfriend, but she seems so happy when we are talking, and i don't want to make things awkward. i think that is part of my problem. i am too much of a nice guy to people. i'm too considerate. this seems odd considering i really can't stand most people, but some reason, i don't want them to dislike me. bitch. you can hate me now. but i won't stop now. cuz i can't stop now. you can hate me now. that should be my philosiphy. whatever. i swear that if i find out that she has a boyfriend, i'm gonna flip shit. i'm gonna see her in biology in a little while. i like sitting by her, but her bitch ass friends are always there and make me feel even more self conscious than i really am. i know they are looking me up and down thinking, why is she talking to this ugly fuck. she could do so much better than that. or maybe they're looking at me in pity, cuz they know that she has a boyfriend and that she is just teasing me or something. i wish i could just come out and ask her, but whenever i want to, i get so nervous i feel like i'm gonna get sick. this is such torture. the very first night that i met her at that party, her friend kept saying that she had a boyfriend, but she said that she didn't, but she was also a little under the influence, so i don't know what the truth is. i'm thinking about just asking one of her friends, but i don't know how they would react to that. i'll come back later and tell what went down. probably nothing, cuz i'm not gonna have the nerve to ask her. i'm such a bitch.

1/20/02

well, the ravens lost today. it's not really that much of a surprise. grbac sucks. actually, you can't completely blame him. the offensive line isn't protecting him and the offensive coordinator is a moron. but that's not really what I want to talk about. it's only the end of the first week of the semester and i'm already stressing about all of the work. why do these professors think that they are the most important class that we have? i didn't want to talk about that either. i've been kind of in a funk lately. not nearly as depressed as i was last time that i wrote on here, but i'm still depressed. i know everybody is thinking "what does this little white suburbanite have to worry about to get depressed?" well, i can't help it. i try to snap out of it, as my dad would say. i don't know what's going on with erica. a couple of times she signed on and then signed off real quick, but then i said something to her about it, and she said she wasn't avoiding me. i think it's bullshit to tell you the truth. this past tuesday, i was trying to hang out with her, so i finally got up the nerve to call her (after my asshole roommate kept talking shit to me) and her roommate said that she wasn't there, but asked if i was andy. who the fuck is andy? she called me back, and i bitched out, saying that i was just calling to say hey, and mentioned that i had finished this thing we were supposed to do, and kind of invited her down. she said she would. after about 30min, she called and said she couldn't come down, but that i could come up if i wanted to. i did, but i don't know if i should have. she was probably avoiding me, but didn't want to shoot me down to my face. i went, and stayed for a while, but probably should have left sooner. things were better for the rest of the week, until friday. i asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with some people on the team to see vanilla sky, but she shot me down. it's not really surprising, but it was at the time, cuz i thought things were going good. saturday (yesterday), i went to see the track team at bucknell. there are no words to describe how much i wish i could run. i've been doing some running, but it still hurts like hell. we got a lot of snow, and the ride home with sven was horrible. the roads weren't plowed, and we couldn't see shit. i got home kind of late (9:15) and was gonna ask her to go to the party they were having at the cross country house. but she had up an away message that she was out to dinner with andy. i assume that he is the gay friend that she has from back home. if it's her boyfriend, i'm pretty sure that i'll lose it. so i sat in my room, and everybody wondered why i didn't come out. it's hard to get in the partying mood when the person you love is out with some other guy. today, i talked to her on the instant messenger for a little while during the ravens game. she said that she wanted to watch the game and would talk to me after the game, but she's had an away message up for the last 2.5 hours. she pretty much shit on me again. i just checked, and she signed off. she signed off without saying anything in the time that i wrote the last few sentences. why does she do this shit to me? i've been a perfect gentlemen. trying to be funny and have a good time with her as hard as it's been. i would probably be happier if she would have shot me down right away instead of stringing me along like this. she is all that i ever think about. my life fucking sucks. i bet if i wasn't such an ugly fuck, she would like me a lot more. she apparently thinks that i'm funny. i guess she can't see past the big fucking nose and the unbelievable height difference. she's just like all the other girls that i've ever met. and here i was all hopeful that she might be different. i'm such an idiot. fuck this world. actually there is something else i wanted to say. i was of course the tag-along guy when we went to see vanilla sky. everybody else had a date, or a partner, or whatever you want to call it, but i was there by myself. and the way tom cruise was in that movie reminded me a lot of myself. so ugly that no women even want to talk to him, especially the one that he loves. it almost brought me to tears in the movie theatre, but i told myself to suck it up and stop being a bitch. it was still hard to take. i think i'm just gonna go through the rest of my time not talking to anybody unless they talk to me first. i would love to talk to erica, but she would never dare call me or try to do something with me, i have to pretty much beg her, and she still shoots me down on a daily basis. fuck the world. i don't need you whores.

1/10/02

today i went to my old highschool track practice, and what i saw pissed me off so bad, it made me start thinking. to all of you people out there who are a member of a track/cross country team anywhere, here is my message: you fuckers don't know how good you have it. people are whining about feeling tired, or saying they don't feel like running, or even trying to get out of running the workout. why would you want to give anything less than your best? do you think it's fun going to track meets and getting your ass kicked? you're not only embarrassing yourself, but you're embarrassing the team that you are representing as well. i mean, why wouldn't you do everything in your power to get better? i know if i was running, i wouldn't be out partying on weekends or eating all that junk food from bentley. i may be doing that stuff now, but that's only because i can't run, so it doesn't really matter what i do. and the reason i'm in this situation right now is because i tried too hard. my hamstring would be hurting so bad over the summer that i couldn't even walk up steps without pain, but i was still running 65 miles a week through the pain, almost all of it on cement, because this so-called suburban shithole that i live is so congested that there isn't a decent size park for miles. how many other suburbs have areas that look like fucking west baltimore? that's the shit i deal with everyday that i try to run around here. and i'm still hurting right now. nobody really gives a shit though. everybody keeps asking when i'm gonna be running again. all of these doctors who supposedly know what they're talking about. all they really care about is getting you into and out of their office as fast as possible, but still take your fucking money. these doctors don't really give a shit what happens to the patient. dr. bailey put a fucking scope in my knee only to realize that the fucking mri turned out to be wrong. but we sure as hell still had to pay for it even though it wasn't our fault. maybe it's all of these fucking medicines i'm on right now or something, i don't know. but haven't you ever wanted to die, but be able to see how people would react, just to see if it was worth it? i know i've always wanted to go into a coma or something, but wake up with no brain damage, just to see how people really felt about me. with my luck, i would wake up and there wouldn't be any fucking cards or balloons or anything. or there would be a ton of stuff from people who were just being polite. these stupid people in this stupid fucking world. why do people have to do everything in their power to draw attention to theirself? they think they have to be so outgoing, or have to be so loud or else people won't like them. why do people feel like they have to be accepted by everybody, or they have to be so popular or whatever? fuck these people. if somebody doesn't like you for who you are, then fuck them. does the whole world have some deep down inferiority complex or something. one of the most insightful movies that i have ever seen is fight club. there is some deep shit in that movie. even though it is pretty violent and graphic at times, it really is a good movie, especially when you really listen to what they are saying all the time. i think it's safe to say that that is one of my favorite movies of all time. i would have said that i love that movie, but what the fuck does that mean? to love something, or somebody? the closest thing that i have ever felt to love is towards erica barkdoll. even though i only have known her for a short time, i think about her all the time and love talking to her. well, i used to feel this way, but you can only get shot down by the same person so many times before it starts to hurt. i thought she was different from all of those sluts back at north county. i thought that maybe for once somebody saw through my horrendous looks, and liked me for who i am. but i guess it didn't turn out that way. i'm not naive, i know that i'm one ugly guy, but is that all that really matters? fuck that. now i sound like a fucking wimp. i guess she really is a nice person. she was polite enough not to shoot me down all at once or embarrass me. i guess i could have handled that better than the way she fucking strung me along for all this time. like just now, as i'm typing this, she got online, then saw that i was online, and signed off real quick. why does she do this to me? i probably shouldn't feel this strongly about somebody if i've only known her for as short a time as this, but it's this obsessive behavior that has always led to my downfall. that's the reason i'm hurt right now too. i became obsessed with running. well, not exactly with the act of running, but the idea that the more you work, the better you will become. and there is nothing better in life than the feeling of a winning a race. anybody that has ever won a race knows exactly what i'm talking about. that's all for now. i'll type more some other time. i'm not gonna post the link to this yet. some people might get offended, even though it shouldn't offend anybody if you are out there busting your ass everyday. that's all for now. keep it real.